[Insomnia and Cigarettes]

dream ...456.....8425545.........1

2012-01-26T11:48:00.003-06:00

i'm not sure what inspired this one... many things. maybe the want of something familiar and comforting. i don't know.

anyway. i'm in an heb, but it's not just any heb. besides being a grocery store i know this is also a school, and it's my school. i'm standing near the makeup and the registers, lusting over eye shadows and brushes, and i get the feeling that i am with my parents, although i don't recognize the people near me. a woman and a tall man turn and talk to me, they are nice and the woman hands me white shiny beads and says come on lets get in the car. i want to walk around first, so i tell her one sec and head towards the floral section. just across from the lilies and carnations i see a glass encased classroom with chairs and a chalkboard. the back row of desks are dusty and old, some knocked over. i notice the back of the store doesn't seem to have its lights on, giving the whole place an eerie feeling... i head back up. in my head thoughts are flying, i'm thinking about a boy i'm dating, and i realize that i am in high school. i have a letter in my pocket for someone and he was supposed to meet me here but hes not here.... i look up and over the registers at the checkout are little tvs showing a gym where boys are running at each other with pads and giant q tips. i leave with my "parents". as we walk out into the dim parking lot i see its covered with ice and a slight fog. cars are speeding through the lot, slipping and screeching and i'm a little scared. my rents walk confidently ahead of me, chatting and holding hands. an image flashes in my head of a doll atop a bell tower, with blonde hair and reaching arms, near her feet, broken pieces of smaller dolls. in the image a hand comes in with a towel and begins to wipe dirt from her face and the dead doll eyes stare. i snap back to reality and now it's daylight somehow. we are still outside of this heb. my mom shows me where the doll is, pointing up and into the glare. i blink and find myself standing next to it. the doll is about 3 ft tall, hair clumping together from weather, eyes glass and deeply brown. she wears a pale yellow dress. around her feet are the pieces i saw, legs and arms, heads and bodies. but there is more- small glass dishes with crystal clear water in them spot the tiny rooftop. i want to get out. behind me is a small square exit to a spiral staircase. the stair case is small, i'm bent over most of the way down. the sunlight is coming in through small openings covered with white bars, and the whole place takes on a buttery yellow glow. i start to notice glittery objects on the ground and lean in to examine them, its jewelry, some of it is beautiful, and some of it is broken. i feel pangs of guilt as i gather it up, especially when i see a gorgeous glass rosary. i'm calling for my mom now, unsure of how to get out. i've reached the bottom and there is no door. she comes and tells me to look up, as i do a larger hole opens just above my head, and the bar melt back from the opening. i climb out into the arms of my not real parents. i'm wearing a black dress suddenly. they tell me we should go sell what we found, but i'm gripping it so tight i don't think i'll ever let it go. as we walk to the car i think of the boy who stood me up and something interjects with: i'm in high school, who cares about boys? i smile at this thought and get to the car, happy with the jewelry resting heavy in my lap.

and i wake up.

ugh typing while groggy is ... challenging.

zzzzzzzzzzzzz

dream (waking up and running to the com)

2012-01-19T11:14:00.005-06:00

Im working at some dimly lit, maroon themed restaurant/bar. Ive been here a while, and im familiar with most of my co workers. i get the sense, like that dream sort of feeling, that i am in a gang. i have more tats and my hair is deep red. we are bustling around and a show begins in the dining room... lights and music and two people hanging from hooks from the ceiling. a couple, they work here, and they are in love. they hang from hooks in their backs, suspension. swinging from their ropes, they seem to dance in air. i cant stop staring. they call for another, someone to help them complete a trick and i step forward, but am brushed aside by a statuesque, gorgeous woman who smells amazing. her black hair is pushed back from her white face and she wears a skintight black dress. she laughs as they push the hooks into her and she almost jumps into the pain. in my head a small bio plays, that she doesn't feel it, she loves to hang and shes as tough inside as out. i move on with my work.
it gets fuzzy.
the restaurant is closed now, but all of us workers are inside. we walk around and talk, and a tall black boy meets me in the hallway and starts telling me about our rivals. he says that we should be careful, that they can sneak n and hurt us and we have to be prepared. the government should have never taken our ability to teleport (i know, but it was a dead serious conversation in my dream) i agree, and we grasp hands, he says the others, they are planning something. and i tell him to stay alert. im tired and i need to go to the bathroom so i duck into the nearest one. i try to flip the switch but nothing happens, but i shrug it off and think there is enough light coming in through the bottom of the door. in the dark bathroom i begin to lay out glowing beads around the sink and quarters from my pocket when i get a very strange feeling. i look up into the mirror to see the closet door behind me appear to open, i can barely tell in the sparse light... but it is! so i turn just as a man jumps from the closet, but he doesn't know who i am and he gets a punch in the nose as i react to the shock, he falls against the bathtub and i start to pummel him, screaming for help. the door is bashed in and he is pulled into the hallway and i am pulled to my feet.people are yelling, there is blood on my knuckles. now there are representatives from the other gang somehow, its all happening so fast but there is an argument and somehow no one believes me that i was attacked in the bathroom. im shock. i grab my purse and phone and run out into the night.
fuzz... and in it i am texting someone, it feels like i met him in my dreams, i am deeply in love with him, but not so much in a romantic way, i dont know very hard to describe this. but i barely know his face, but i definitely know his words.
im approaching a warehouse (my favorite theme) and i need to be reminded that i can be happy...
he used to stay here. he is a collector and he used to bring his things here. he always used to tell me that i should go and pick a few things out that he always thinks of me when he gets them. i wander up a maze of stairs to the top open floor. its massive and it gives me that tingly feeling in my stomach, butterflies and nervousness. there are rows and rows of stuff, organized strangely. i walk by a row of mattresses with stuffed animals sitting on the edge with their heads wrapped in barb wire strung like a clothes line from one bed post to another. clothes and shoes, and trinkets. lamps shaped like women and elephants, but so realistic and correct i have to blush. he's left me pictures, of me that he took at one time, Photoshopped with wings and soft edges, and i am looking away from the camera in all of them. the captions tell me that he sees me in a clear strong light. i feel like im floating. as i walk through the warehouse it starts to change around me.
i start seeing people in the distance down some of the aisles and the racks morph into something more professional. a worker walks by and i realize the collection area is becoming an actual store right before my eyes. i start shopping and find a few things. hes texting me, leading me on hunts to find things that he has picked just for me, and i find some of the most beautiful clothes ever. they all fit perfect. soon enough i look down at the phone ad it just says
wake up.
so i do.

aaaaaahhhhhh that felt good.

zzzzzzZzzzz

monsters and quitting smoking

2012-01-11T19:34:00.002-06:00

quitting smoking was supposed to be harder than this but i think i found the key... pressure. there is no lacking of it here and now, as i try to please adrians family and seem good enough for their son. haha, seems ridiculous. not having a drink on the weekends, not grabbing a smoke in this absolutely amazing weather. (it snowed today, so beautiful) but i guess it's good for me..... right?
[blah]
chugging energy drinks, making another pot of coffee. tell me caffeine is better than nicotine. one vice for another.

sometimes i wake up scared in the night because i don't know where i am.

and the nightmares are back, i think. all i know is i'm waking up sweating and out of breath.
i'm going to start logging again, they are starting to flee as soon as i wake up, and it's taking it's toll on me. i miss my dreams.

my goals for the immediate:

-drink more tea, green preferably
-craft, craft, craft
-learn spanish so i can actually have a conversation with the people here
-get a JOB
-smile more
-establish myself, maybe meet some new people
-get over this damn homesickness...

let's do it.

off and away

2012-01-07T12:54:00.004-06:00

i tried to make a "family friendly" "somewhat normal" blog and i failed...

whatever.

i moved. to nebraska. just up and left. my whole life fit into less than half of the space of a small trucks bed. i followed a man, to his families home here. and so far its been something else. nice. cold. calm.
texas was starting to make me itch. maybe it was something else. my friends branching out and becoming people i knew less and less, family growing and expanding with me a footnote and a fleeting thought. driving away from it all was heartbreaking and exciting at the same time. the sun came up as we were passing through austin and i was breathing heavy. sleepy and wondering just what the hell i was doing. i havent had a cigarette in about a week. funny the resolutions we always go back to around new years.
[drunk and alive downtown and he says ive been thinking about what you said, lets just go]
[yes, i said yes]
my parents came over while we were packing and my mom was sad but my dad was strong and they pressed some cash into my hand and hugged me goodbye, saying be careful we love you do what you need to. support like that gives me strength, and its hard to find. only parents i guess. she came over too, but more so to tell me that once i realize my mistake i can always come back. pig says have fun, enjoy. i'll miss him the most of the friends i left behind...
starting a new life is something i have never done before. and with a man who still hasnt even said he loves me.
yep.
i am strangely unafraid now that im actually sitting here in the bedroom his family is letting us use. i walk outside and marvel, absolutely stare, at the amazing sunsets that happen here. the sky is so DIFFERENT.

[break]

ok its days later from the first part. i have a small, centered headache near my eyes, and im a little strange right now. omaha is weird, and the general color of the city is brown. trees are all dead or bright green, yes i know, weird. i have a tight feeling of homesick in my stomach and im sleeping off and on, and not working out. no smoking, no drinking. i am a shadow of my former self to make a good impression on this new family.

so much to say. but im shaky from all the caffeine. just time to post.

awake

2011-12-21T02:44:00.001-06:00

i miss dreams. i want them fiercely. real life is something confusing and complicated, dreams never lie. please come back, friends. i'm ready to write again.

stasis [part 4]

2011-09-29T17:49:00.004-05:00

i talk too much.
i should never, ever, talk about whats happened to me in my life to anyone who doesn't already know the details.
pity party me, sad sack of facts.
...
changes happen. but i'm ill prepared.

:/

in the middle of the night he's holding me in his arms and the confessions stumble out of my mouth like a clumsy elephant into the room. lingering over our heads.
then he keeps holding me and i'm breathing again.
but what now. what is ticking in his head. neurotic. twitchy. yes all of that i'm breaking down the looks he gives me into points and bullets.... scared of repeat, doing it all over again.
i should have left him alone.
but i couldn't.

i hope he doesn't pay a price. i can cover it, i have credit when it comes to heartbreak and confusion.

we'll see.

everything else is going amazing, beyond social things i am excelling. happy, pure. it's such a dramatic change from the end of last year. and i'm FLYING. i want this to pause so i can enjoy it if even for a few weeks.... it's amazing.
more on this later.
cleaning time now.

apple soda, marty snoring, and i'm wide awake and completely exhausted.

2011-08-03T00:03:00.003-05:00

[stop it, girl, you are doing it again.]
picking at your nails and chewing chewing chewing.

blasting music and singing in the shower i am free for my favorite 15 minutes of the day. voice cracking, wet hair in my face, sticking to my cheeks. becoming clean. water meets body and i just throw my face up in the spray. besides dreaming, i could live in a shower.

weird, i know...

i've been thinking about medication again. i think its time to find out what my options are. i've been needing the cutting more and more lately. it usually happens this way, when i become unhappy with my current relationships, i start work, or i need my privacy and space and have none.
all of those things are happening right now.
i'm anxious and unsettled. it's like my lovely last blog explains. havoc.
so i think it's time to try one more time, to go out on my own.
i'm terrified and i don't know maybe i'll just wait for [] to leave to the navy and come back. but something needs to change NOW.

aaahhh my stomach is twisting. viciously.

my brains laughs softly at my feeble attempts to maintain composure :/

furrow [part 2 maybe]

2011-07-27T00:08:00.002-05:00

i have no idea what i am doing here. my eyes touch over things and quickly pass on.
i step back even a foot and think shit what the fuck is going on, i must be crazy.
but we're standing face to face promising each other that this isn't what it look like, hands up palms out trying to prove our sincerity while still hiding behind sarcasm and defense mechanisms. the question hangs heavy: what are we? and i don't have an answer, i would prefer we were nothing. simple flesh and blood beings in a state of existence, in close proximity.
hah. right.
anxiety, paranoia, all the wonderful emotions that wreck you when you have something bright in your eyes rolls over me in waves.
all i want in this world is something that i can have, just for a moment, that wont crash and burn explode in flames die in my arms.
i want to keep something when it feels like everything has slipped away.
lately i'm walking head up again, engaging people at work, laughing and dyeing my hair.
but its all a wonderful show, a type of game i've created, to see how much i can forget by focusing on this smile i've been putting out. smile stephanie, big. the people at work tell me i'm happy, calm, nice. inside i'm raging sometimes, crying all the time, wondering why i get out of bed at all. the depression lingers but is made sweeter and a touch delightful by the secrecy and intimacy.
no ones wants to know the other me, not anymore. i've run out of time for sugar coating and gentle whispers.
back to this though.
i'm tired of men. so tired. the interaction- burning passion in the beginning, tearing at each other, needing and seeking and warm only for it all to turn to turn cold in time. nothing like the smoldering growing love and friendship i read about in books, see in movies. i'm so tired. i've already been robbed of my womanly abilities, the rest seems ridiculous now.
i'm so bitter. lost.
so what am i doing here?
i want him to stay arms length, just far enough to hear me talk. just close enough to smell my hair and skin and want me. i need him to want me. as much as i don't want him to love me, i want him to still want me.
it doesn't make sense i know.
but its not one sided.
all his hurt i want to feed on it, i want his stories to come to my ears too, i want to keep him to myself.
it is nothing short of ridiculous.

i have to stop thinking about it and just go with it.
it never works. but the few delicious moments it does seem worth it.
touch now, fall apart later. i have been through it enough to know ill survive at least.

sigh. unfinished thoughts.

dream

2011-07-15T10:55:00.003-05:00

one of the best ive ever felt... colors were mostly browns and copper.

im in a large open building. it resembles and old mall, shaped in a star almost with tall ceilings and small doors leading to other rooms stemming from the large halls. im walking alone, and trying to find someone. im coming to a busy corner of the building, i see people milling around one of the doors. i look inside and see what appears to be a tiny museum, small items in cases of glass sit on white pedestals and people sit in chairs watching a large screen at the back of the room. i walk past this room and go further down the large hall, which is getting darker. now i have people beside me, walking near me. they feel familiar ans safe, so i never look back. we come to a door at the very end of the hallway and it is partially boarded up. slipping past the boards we enter a cool, darkish, large room. it is covered in cobwebs, but scattered all over are statues and figures, carved from stone or set in brass and copper. they are breathtaking, reminiscent of spanish and italian masters, i gasp and try not to touch them. the people i bring in are talking fast, weve just made a discovery, and it feels so good
[blank]
in and out i come back in and im sitting in a circle next to a man who seems to be a cowboy. hes dusty and strong, mustached and wearing boots and good leather. he smells amazing, like a man. we are sitting indian style in the center of a museum style lit room. low and soft. people are all around us, sitting or standing, some are drinking or smoking, talking. in front of this man and me there is a copper antique cup, sitting on a bed of brass beads in a bowl. its old and i feel pulled to it. scattered around near the others feet and legs are other antique pieces, but these are tarnished horribly with white and blue sludge. its weird. a man comes up and tries to touch the cup in front of us. i lean over and whisper to my cowboy "its their skin, their oils, they are ruining our things"... so the cowboy pulls his gun and start shooting everyone in the room. i try to yell and tell them to run, but none of them do.
[blank]
standing in front of an older empty house. from the street it looks sad, yellow and white. im with turkey and im not sure where he came from. we go into the house and start looking through all the rooms. hes standing very close to me and im just talking, asking him questions and telling him i have missed him in my life so much. im in a closet reaching up to the top shelf and pulling down boxes full of comforting things that belong to other people. boxes of yarn, sweaters, vases and tiny vials. they all smell slightly musky sweet. turkey takes my hand and i never look at him. i walk into the closet and push aside the hanging clothes and find myself in a small bedroom of sorts, with thick beige carpeting and no furniture. the room is dark and only lit by a small high window near the ceiling of the this tiny place. there is a white board nailed to the lower part of the back wall and something is written on it, but i cant read it. there is a hole in the center of the white board. it makes me nervous. turkey is telling me we need to find some coloring books. i agree.
[blank]

waking up is harder and harder.

[HMIMIH]

2011-06-30T20:25:00.003-05:00

[In my dream I was almost there
Then you pulled me aside and said, "You're going nowhere."
I know we are the chosen few but we're wasted
And that's why we're still waiting]

ick. sick with emotion, i'm roaming the quiet rooms of the semi empty house. one is sleeping, one is at work, the other is off doing whatever. i am deeply lonely, dropping onto the living room couch for less than a second, then up and walking again. bathroom- touch my face in the mirror, sigh and weigh myself, kitchen - half clean, smelling of bleach and dog food and something sweetly rotten, bedroom- cool air, my dog, and tv. but i'm twitching in the chair. picking at my skin. falling into myself. someone needs to be here. i want to meet a new person. not to love or touch, but to talk to. someone who could forget the awkward phases of lust and want. someone who won't fuddle it all up with like and hand holding. this person does not exist of course. it doesn't matter.
it's never their fault anyway. say one thing nice to me and i need you in a way that is unheard of, you shine with golden light, you are soft and tempting.
touch me right and i'm a puppy dog, following and forgetting to eat and sleep.
[it's ... hard to explain why]
but it's how i am. i feel the warm feeling welling over and it's so not the right thing for me and you but i let it happen. if i can even stop it, i don't know, i've honestly never tried.
as it spills over the edge inside i wonder how you can change my life. our friendship is maybe 5 minutes in. you've already sold me. maybe i love you.
this intense terrible dizzying need. it literally makes me sway on my feet. i roll in bed, eyes open and heart racing. why do i do this?! i can't breath. don't get close to me, unless you want to just ignore the greedy look in my eyes as i follow the lines of your body, and cling to your words.
needy.
desperate.
don't leave me.
i watch it all happen. completely aware. that's the shitty fun part. i see it. and it makes me laugh and cry and cringe.
to make it all crazier, right, i'm about to tell you i watch myself fall hard. like a second separate person. fuuuuuck. how is it i am out in the general population? whatever.
that's the usual.... i ask for something, knowing it's not in reach, because i am incapable of normal human relations.
wee.

i need to get off the damn computer. i can't look into myself for too long. :/

wishes

2011-06-27T15:12:00.002-05:00

-tacos and a big red
-carpet in my room
-better skin
-more energy
-paint and canvas
-a new brain
-strong control over my moods
-to be kissed
-to sleep soundly next to someone
-clay
-my parents back in the us
-to not think for two minutes, just rest
-a cat
-coffee
-a child
-a plane ticket to anywhere
-a random letter in the mail
-a better job
-books and tuition for the fall semester
-motivation
-water

quick! dream

2011-06-25T10:23:00.002-05:00

last night i dreamt i was in a big city, hidden away at some clinic for crazies. an old lady comes in i think i'm related to her and she tells me my great grandma has died. she starts to explain whats going on and as she does she starts to get younger. she draws little pictures on paper, and then she sticks her hands in my mouth and feels around my teeth and tongue, then she draws them out and points out all the cracks and cavities, telling me life is is hard and short. the nurse comes in and takes her away. then several others are in the room. a few girls and a small black man, who is my case worker, he brings me folders and papers that i dont understand and he tries to talk to me but i cant hear him through the sadness im feeling. some of the girls are talking close to us, i see that one of them is wearing a flowing red shirt and she has deep dark scars marching up her arm, im drawn to them like art. i envy her. she has fresh scratches on her elbows. i need those. i covet and lay back in the huge couch im on. the black man continues to talk but now im floating off.

i wake up slowly and softly... like cotton is in my head.

hrm. [typing too fast, punctuation is actually bothering me today]

pills, please (that same old diseased feeling)

2011-06-21T23:10:00.007-05:00

you can always tell when i'm off meds.

i miss them.

i need them? shit. i'm reading blogs/articles/books/anything. hand over my face sometimes. drunk sometimes. cigarettes back in my life again. where is that elusive a ha moment.

hm... everything is ok right now. hands out in front of me as i move forward, waiting for obstacles to touch my fingers, but so far there is only air. still. calm before the storm and all that right?

sigh. quick fast lungs full of air sigh.

it is impossible to self medicate this feeling. i don't think i have it in me to sell my body for drugs and i like the soft buzz from drinking like a normal person. my other addiction is so taboo i get anxiety just thinking about the screaming consequences of it so i think i should steer clear of it for a while.
[oh how i would love to take a tv, the internet, a bag full of clothes, razors, candy, and marty and just move into a sweet, cold cave]
whatever.
the past few months i've been admitted twice. called begging in the middle of the night, considerably belligerent, sad, crying, talking to the woman on the other end of 911 and telling her i just can't fucking do this. thinking of that deep blackness inside of me at those moments. it makes me cringe. it felt like i could actually do it. and it frightened me so much that like a small child i reached out. pressed the 3 numbers and hoped for the best. both times ending up in handcuffs in the back of police cars.
medicated and trying to talk to doctors while they try to shuffle me out.
health insurance.
god bless america.
i can barely function when i'm crashing. and i have to get health insurance for anyone to give me more than two days worth of help.
i remember the doctor telling me "haven't we seen you before" and i just let my mouth curl.

and now i'm thinking of all this... father's day and whatnot.
that fucking anxiety ripping through me because i just HAD to call and hear his voice.
[what's wrong with me.]
this person, this boy, father of my [ ] child.
look, i'm trying to move on here. i don't even know why i'm trying to explain, i don't have to. i'm just saying. this isn't some tiny thing that happened and now i can't get over it. this is the fault line of life wrenching and twisting apart.
i repeat, whatever.
it could be any situation though. all i know is that i'm dizzy and sick with anxiety and a rushing brain. and all i want is some goddamn pills to make it just STOP for two seconds.

no money.... no sweet calm.

awesome.

it's ok, i'm working again, reading, painting, i have these people in my house who watch me. like a small masochistic toddler.

it's ok. it's ok. it better be ok.

passion in violent acts [in dreams]

2011-06-14T00:02:00.006-05:00

i killed someone in my dream the other night, it was terrible and ferocious and i was shocked at how fast and intense the whole thing was.
something was happening in a store with a huge glass front. an argument, some accusation, i dont know...

i remember-

-everyone was wearing white and khaki at one point, as though we were in school, in uniform.
-shelves with little statues and jewelry.
-the person [male?] i was confronting was standing in front of me and i was so angry. we were circling each other and the people around us were yelling for us to stop. i yelled "he skinned that boy alive he has to pay!" then i lunged and stabbed.
-after people started to leave. they walked around the dead body. i laid down with another person and we put our legs up against the wall. he hands me a bubble wrap skirt and i pull it on. he says his assistant got it for me. mari.
-i look out the window, all the people leaving are covered in blood. i can feel the sticky warmth on me, but i cant see it.

in fact all of my dreams are becoming overtly sexual and violent. i dont know why, these phases happen in my sleep.

last night in fact there was a murder and sex. ???

points:

-i had moved into a dorm like apt complex that was tall and square spare on side, which slanted down steeply. it was futuristic in that the architecture was smooth and mono colored, with beautiful balconies and plants all over. small efficient rooms, and elevators. tvs in the hallway. it was very interesting.
-it felt like i was moving in with a family, but i could never really see them. most of the people living in the dorm were young and attractive.
-i wake up in the dream and go to my balcony, its dark and there are cops cars surrounding the lower floor. a man is behind me telling there has been a murder. i get the chills, seeing images of a strangled woman in my head. i go back inside.
-later im on the balcony taking pictures of it with a camera i have to hold up to my eye. its still very dark out. i'm taking a picture of a tree limb that leans into the balcony when the zoom begins to act up. as the camera flashes i see a mans face looking at me from over the limb. i freak out and run inside.
-now we're leaving me and a small group of people, we walk to a house a mile or so away and i look back and take in the image of the tall geometrical building i live in. we get to the little house and go upstairs. everything is cream carpet and buttery furniture. men and women talk to me. i go into the bathroom and put on a lacy very revealing dress and everyone is fucking outside of the bathroom i can hear them, so i sit on the toilet and play with some makeup ive found.
-later i walk out everyone is gone and a man walks up to me and tells me i look amazing and we walk home, crawl into bed and i fall into sleep in the dream and awaken in real life.

i miss my dreams. deeply. my stomach aches when i think about them. nothing could feel look like flow so smoothly be so colorful in real life.

sigh.

if only i could stay.

DOORMAT

2011-06-11T03:05:00.002-05:00

i never understand what's happening... the next second i'm furious and you're the same only a shade redder.

how do you think you can get away with it????

fuck. i'm positive i'm not THAT crazy.

idiot.

just shut the fuck up and get on with it.

sensation

2011-06-07T21:17:00.000-05:00

is returning to my limbs, and the color to my eyes.

FUCK

2011-06-06T15:52:00.002-05:00

all day i put on that fake smile and act like i like the things coming out of your mouth and nodding and laughing and touching and hahahahaha o shit that so funny have another drink, but in reality im fucking SEETHING and cringing and crying and still laughing but hysterically and harshly and it all just simmers underneath it all. i just steam inside myself. waiting for the door to close between me and you so i can throw things from across the room fling glass and jewelry, clothes and my anger, get it out of me, tears everywhere. i can only handle hiding it for so long.
its just so unfuckingfair.
i dont understand what i was supposed to learn i dont care how many times i say it its fucking true, was i such i a bad person that you had to take EVERYTHING from me and in such a terrible fucking way? did i need to be punished that bad??
the huge ugly angry red scar n my stomach i have to see it everyday i shower change do anything self conscious when i have sex its all i can think about it burns and i twist inside. hah inside there is nothing inside they took half of me out, there are no more chances. nothing.

im sick with grief still but playing masterfully a role of recovery.

i should win an award.

everyone around me is celebrating the milestone again or for the first time. no matter how shitty they are, or the circumstances i know they will have a healthy happy ending. good for fucking them. yep, there goes the crying again. i cant help it when i cant physically feel my soul shriveling into a black useless mass. slowly and surely.

take what you want, all that you can carry

2011-05-31T23:05:00.005-05:00

points of a dream:
it was so hot when i fell back asleep this morning. it was deep and unmoving.
i can't remember the dream straight out, bits and pieces come back.
-there was a house, large and dark, almost windowless and with stone walls. there was a bed in my room and it was thick with blankets and pillows, just like i like it. a man has bought me things and they lay in boxes strewn about the room. i fall on the bed and wish the boxes would go away. i feel guilty.
-there was a school with a huge parking lot full of people, some kind of festival. it's night time. dark spare the lights from the booths and people milling with candles and glow sticks. it reminds me of the first school my father taught at. we're trying to walk up to the school but it feels like it just keeps getting farther and farther away.
-i have a different body, the one i really want i suppose. all the people in my dream are stylized and beautiful. cut and made up. i look in the mirror and i'm blond and bed headed. i throw on a flimsy sweater and a short skirt. i don't care who sees me, i like the dominance that comes with being sexy. i have the keen understanding that this isn't real, it does make me sad inside.
-the huge grocery store we all went to. a giant heb. the makeup section is massive, i linger at the nail polish. this dream gets a little toooooo sexual here. i'll move on.

i loved the way the blankets on that bed felt. it's a bed for me, perfect and soft and hidden in the back of a dark cool house.

meanwhile i'm here. numb again. it comes in waves. huge flowing salty waves.
i'm just so tired. always. working out and trying to find energy i'm desperately trying to find balance and normality.

i think i've lost the ability to connect to here and now.
i miss and love the dreams more that the physical around me.

whatever.

we'll see if the fog clears, it does sometimes and i'm sane again. for now i'm rolling with the crazy.

weeee.

eat

2011-05-22T13:30:00.008-05:00

i am starving. thinking in my head, as my refrigerator dies in the kitchen, what am i going to do?

i want:

something sweet, oh something strong... never mind. the food we buy normally is... boring. i've been eating nothing but rice and protein. watching the food network. going crazy with envy.

my stomach is crying i think. i keep trying to look for new art online, but keep ending up on foodie sites. damnit.

if i was rich i would waste days out with people, at lunch, dinner, whenever, oh you've never tried that get it, get three, what do you think, open your mouth and eat THIS.

it would be fulfilling and slightly frustrating when i start to get bigger. more running maybe.

whatever. i am off in search of something now. to put. into my face.

shut up, stomach.

i just decided

2011-05-20T13:38:00.004-05:00

every time i go to the park i feel different. running was impossible before, something i always dreamed about. in dreams i would push harder, throw my arms out, laugh. in real life i'm lip synching, aching, enjoying the wind and sunset, and shocked. miles go by, i'm feeling leaner, stronger and less anxious. some times anyway. it was time to stop thinking about it. nothing was happening.

now. i'm electric.

i try to shake the the voice that keeps repeating mania, i need to believe this is me.

right

2011-04-27T14:19:00.002-05:00

surprising conversations with people i covet are enough for me to twist in thought. following the lines of their bodies, not meeting their eyes, yet moved by how they react and adapt. the words coming from them, i wonder how they keep their tone steady, unwavering. i am jealous. across the room, across the table. i sit twisting my hair and nodding. trying to talk, but pausing and breaking too much. these people think i have it all figured out. but really i am just in a constant state of want.
[i shake my head to clear it as i walk away]
[it doesn't work]
sometimes painting turns against me. i sit in the hot living room, with the windows open, air pouring in and not helping, radio loud. mostly not even painting, head in my hands, singing to myself. sounds crazy. but it feels so good. i feel alone in the city, the house is still. i walk through the rooms, smelling the other people who live here, my closest friends, comfort. there is water and color everywhere and i just let it dry on my skin. peeling it off gives pleasure.
after the initial enjoyment i wish people were with me. the loneliness comes back. and i get a stomachache.
every which way i can't just have a straight line type of moment.
one second is this, next second i want to go to india. sheesh.
i need to stop with the indulging.
the need.
that strong ugly warm desperate inviting need.
like cancer.

sigh.

what do you do...

tracking time

2011-04-21T15:56:00.005-05:00

dreams. in and out:
in a huge hotel of some kind, there is something like a convention, fiesta, maybe a party going on. there are people milling everywhere, talking and gathering in groups. i'm on an escalator going to a room in the hotel. when i get there i see that its not really a hotel room, but a small blue apartment, where i know d[] and a[] live. i wander through it wondering where they are. as i go to the kitchen i sit on a bar stool and notice that i can see through the floor, which is glass. there is pretty clear blue green water under there, with small orange glass fish flittering back and forth. these fish are a familiar motif in many of my dreams where a shock, trauma or death happens. i don't make the connection at the time. the kitchen is lonely and partially dark in the area back near the stove and fridge. i think of ice cream and candy, then leave. when i exit the apartment i come into a large courtyard/mall. its fall colored, browns and oranges. escalators take people up to huge balconies and leaves sway from the ivy trailing from them. i go through a small door to my left and come into a large square room with a very tall ceiling. its an auditorium, with wooden seating like i had in elementary school and a wooden stage. it smells like cherry jolly ranchers, like the wax they used to use. there is a small group of people here. a bald man is talking, telling us we should buckle down and spend the night, that we can see spirits and share the experience. i see dark shadows floating above us near the rafters. i get chills. the bald man brings in another group of people but our group is enraged, yelling "who are they!" "you lied" and other things i don't catch. the new guys come and sit with us in the chairs, one of them is my cousin and he asks me what we're doing here. i'm painting my nails all of a sudden and as i put the pretty green on i nonchalantly say "nothing. we're going to die here." no sooner the words come out of my mouth that i believe them fully, and i turn to see the man locking the gate where the door is. i run to it and push my way out, screaming. in the hallway i catch my breath, and behind me i feel heat and smell burning hair. i don't turn around to see. people i know are walking by but i'm frozen.
he moves in his sleep, and i wake up.

all things matte can sometimes glitter

2011-02-19T04:17:00.003-06:00

i may or may not be a little intoxicated.

sometimes i wonder what life will be like if i was still in 2007.

i think that was one of the best times of my life.

i worry now, about me. i still get dark, lost, fallen,

i miss her.

things are different now. things have changed.

what should i do?

pls tell me. advise. suggest.

pls?

hello paranoia

2011-01-15T19:10:00.004-06:00

i've lost 6 pounds in two days.
i can't stop moving, my heart is beating too fast too hard.
gotta admit, i kinda like the dizziness.
wee.
this house. it isn't clean. but i've been scrubbing all day.
i haven't had a full cigarette, it tastes like i'm pregnant again.
[impossible]
its a side effect, an actual welcomed one.
[acrid nostalgia]

i need coffee.

and better sleep.

i feel like she blew me off this weekend and i wonder if she has reached her level of acceptance with me. everyone has a ceiling. she's still trying to be nice.

i'm angry, but contained.
hurt, but i can see why it is the way it is.

sigh.

large white pill small tan pill

2011-01-13T13:41:00.004-06:00

life cycles.

snap.

brain dead.

at least till these meds kick in.

i am so tired. i could sleep for days. and days. please brain, cant you just try with me? im always trying so hard to make you happy but you simply refuse. :(

i feel disgusting in my own body.

dear god, send some changes.

singing under my breath, lost in cheap beer i pray

2011-01-09T01:28:00.002-06:00

i find so many truths here, analyze myself and come to understandings. but i'm so weak. i never stick to it. fitting, its the new year. the time for discarded good intentions and resolutions.
all year with me.
but whatever right? it happens in sequence.
death.
heartbreak.
within a few months, i'll cycle again.
again.
again.
stop telling me its going to be ok, stop trying to make me look up and forward. im sorry but im done with all that bullshit.
lies.
im pretty sure he left me last night. i dont see how we could recover from that.
he laid there in bed and told me im no help to him, he wont come live with me, and when i walked out into the cold night on this bad side of town he just let me go. i walked home. into the warm arms of my best friend and dog. and i slept for hours, leaving my phone off and dead. i slept, envious. im so tired of the struggle that is human interaction. this crap called love, this lie that is friendship. im too demanding, expectant. i believe we should give as we get, but that would mean i should start telling everyone im busy and stop talking to people who arent cool enough to be seen with me. i should start flaking out and calling it off. i should just stop. everyone but one person is pissing me off, disappointing, repetitive in their apologies and false statements.

i sound ridiculous! how does anyone complain when it sounds so fucking stupid!

ugh ugh ugh.

stomp foot, walk away.

the things i want to tell you

2011-01-06T00:27:00.002-06:00

are really easy sentences to make. impossible to say, apparently.

i throw up my arms and walk away, tell you to get out, i'm not in the mood, why do you come over? you make me so mad.
inside i'm this stupid girl, pontificating all the reasons you're bothering the hell out of me.
really i just want to tell you
that i need you to be more than what you are right now. that i seem to have put you up on this pedestal, that sometimes i may or may not let your looks sway and charm me and in my head i'm creating a personality behind it that doesn't match the man i'm looking at intently. sometimes you can be stupid. there i said it. but it's true. i throw hints and tips like daggers and they miss you as you're too busy messing with your phone or music. head bent. miles away.
i need to tell you
that sometimes you make me feel lonely. and isn't that the opposite of what i should feel?

i wish i could talk.

everyone i know has this little conversation stored inside my head. they'll never hear the words in the jar with their name on it.

instead i'll just pout some more.

everything is fine.

right?

i think tonight

2011-01-04T23:17:00.002-06:00

im going to stay up again. ride that insomnia feeling, embrace the almost insanity in the early morning hours. clean clean clean. just scrub at everything, wipe it all down, disinfect. by morning ill have a headache and ill fall into the arms of things i feel most comfortable with, dreams and exhaustion.
[fantastic]
really im starting to think that i may be thinking too much about things. i really need to find a nice quiet spot and turn off the caring, the analysis, and the effort. this uphill battle, this comparing my stupid shitty life to others, well, obviously its not working out. im miserable. all the time, i wonder why things fall into their laps and i cant even get my fucking financial aid to go through.... or stop my loved ones from falling dead around me.
i mean
i paint, i read, i talk to the dog, i try oh so very hard to just function, but i hate it. i am so jealous of everyone. but i think i can stop it. im sure i can help myself. there has to be a space for me here. and im sure i can find it.
[are you there?]
stopping the film reel [reference] is very hard. if not impossible. its so loud sometimes, its almost like people standing near me can hear it. every second is a new scenario, [tick tick tick] a memory, [tick tick tick] a fantasy... [tick] something. its maddening, it really is. it makes leading a normal life seem laughable. people talk to me and paranoia sets in or i focus too much on their lips, their bodies, their voices. i cant keep things from turning fuzzy behind these things. its so hard to explain to someone that you're broken. ive heard others use this term for themselves, but it usually fixes itself pretty quickly and the normality continues for them. im stuck in a world that i love but can't maintain. a made up section of life that doesn't produce anything, that just is. watching people from a very bitter place. they try so hard to be supportive. but when its 6 in the morning and im in the back of a cop car on my way to the hospital AGAIN all i fear comes to the surface and i instantly hide. i want to just open up to them, the doctors my friends, family, i want to stand up and say this is whats going on please listen. this last time i went in, days before new years, yes in the back of that cop car, i waited for ten hours in the waiting room of the er, with just a gown and my thoughts.
[watching people filter in and out. stretchers and blood. children and men.]
i was already planning my escape. thinking of things to say to the doctor to get him to let me go. even though i had called for help, even though i wanted to fix it, i was already working on ways to weasel out. and i was aware, totally watching myself, listening to the fear, the urge to run. i was finally called back to the psych unit and put into a room connecting to the general room with the other crazies. there was this girl in there, she was a skinny blond thing, talking to the nurses asking them when she could go home. when they told her she would have to go to the state hospital she snapped, got on the phone screamed at someone about her baby then bashed the phone and her head against the wall. she stalked back and forth in that room, bleeding and screaming while i watched from my little room, through that big window. she looked in at me then walked off. the nurses tried to calm her, talking to her, asking her about her baby but she was gone. screaming no no my baby he needs me i need him please please what the fuck are you staring at do something help me please help me help me. screaming so loud i blinked, just listening to her lost in her madness. lost to where no one could reach her, she was drowning. and my heart broke for her. i thanked god i wasn't THAT fucked up, although i could understand perfectly what she was feeling and that's what hurt the most.
[i wanted to reach out to her, but she wouldn't see me standing there.]
[demons inside her head she said]
the doctor came in a little after that and we talked. i was honest, i showed him my arm, and he said i could go home. the end for me. he says to get a psychiatrist, i know i wont, its too much trouble, its too much effort, i cant. i wont. i knew it walking out. just the thought of health insurance makes me think of the unopened letters at home from them with my little baby's name on them. just the word medicaid makes me want to throw up. i don't want to touch the tangled mess that is my benefits, im done with that. and since no good soul is going to work for free on the level i need them too i guess im stuck with this 3/4 full bottle of lithium from 9 months ago. i haven't taken one, im still debating. im not an idiot, but i will admit the thought of faulty self medication is still more appealing that blind chaos.
whatever.
i left the hospital and i immediately went back into hiding. the thoughts and torment, pushed away for the sake of my loved ones. i cant ever really talk to them anyway, they have all their own shit going on and how needy am i that i need to bring them down with this bullshit right???
[haaahaaaaaaa]
yep thats where i go, everytime i feel bad, put out, jealous, i laugh it off
WHAT I SAY: its all good, im fine, don't worry sure tell me that story again, no it's ok i don't need you to come over if its that much trouble, yea yea im happy for you, yea everything is looking up, yea that chick was crazy, hahahaha. etc etc.
TRANSLATION: nothing is ok, i want sharp things, i miss my baby i want my baby i cant even look at pregnant people anymore baby laughter makes me dizzy with grief, im broke and useless, im jealous of you're new relationship because even though you promised you would leave me you already are, i needed you more than anything last night but i couldn't call you, i know you have to work but i need you more, im so sorry, im trying to be better, im trying.

[pssssshhhhhh]

my goodness. what the fuck is going on.

i haven't written this much in a long time. im so ready for everything to settle down, but then i go back and read the blogs, ready my own words and i break down a little. whats changed? im still this bipolar spectacle on a little known blog site. almost completely honest with strangers but not with the ones around me. its been a long time. how am i still alive? maybe i just need to get used to this. being stepped on. after November nothing could hurt. i thought it would make me string but im still unsteady and baffled at the unfairness of everything. and i cant take the everything happens for a reason bullshit anymore, make me a t shirt and get it over with. blah.
[yeesh there's that rage... ]
its ok, breath, somethings going to happen im sure, something has to change. i say it every time out of blind ignorant optimism. but maybe that's the key. close your eyes fold your arms step back and let yourself fall. its either ground or giant balloon. we'll see.

im no good at closing these things. usually i start then ramble on about something else. yay. and in truth, little blog, i feel close to you. you've been here for me for a long time. i remember coming to you with everything, after drunk nights lost in lights and music, talking to you about touching people, swimming in the middle of the night, existential breaks, psychotic breaks, outings with new people, fights with them later. i just. feel like my life has more meaning here than in the real world that seems hardly healthy.

i really don't know what im saying. i put music on and now im completely useless.

wonderful.

maybe if people actually read this it wouldn't be so hard to understand me. probably not. ehhh.

i know

2010-12-29T05:19:00.000-06:00

what i am.

the things i miss

2010-12-29T01:15:00.005-06:00

are many. a lot of it is people, sure. some are dreams. some places. hidden and warm. i yearn so much more for the past than the present. mostly because i can remember good feelings, passion, excitement. the future only seems to bring pain, anger. i don't want to continue, i would much rather run back, and hide in the soft crevasses of the familiar. been there done that is not a bad thing to me. i wish life was choice instead of constant forward movement.
but then i wish a lot of things. and somehow the opposite happens.

sooo it's the new year. and i can't really tell you how i'm feeling. i've been reading the old blogs and i miss that person. that girl who seemed so effortless and careless, winning and running and singing and dancing, oh so much dancing. i miss the person i used to be. and i would like to go there again. all the recent painting has really inspired me to be thing i want. i feel like lately i've been shelled up, cold, introverted.

time to make a change i think. maybe i'll grow my hair. maybe i won't stop smoking. i am pretty tired of expecting things, and willing things and trying to be good, when nothing i do is met with reward. i've always been happier with a taste of destruction.

we'll see how it goes i guess.

cheers. read up next year.

brain vacay

2010-12-07T19:29:00.002-06:00

i feel... pretty numb. which is lovely.

there really is nothing i want more, if i could stay like this forever i would embrace it. its this, or the rage, the sadness, the desperation. all that fun stuff. all those old friends.
[hello guys, yes i remember ya'll. sure invade my head and body. its all good. im sure you remember where everything is.]
whatever, being dramatic is a neat little distraction.

alone in other people's houses [caff version 2.0]

2010-11-29T13:08:00.003-06:00

the world resumed. im catching up.

sneaking around this room and house, i think about time. time has been creeping. usually by now its oh snap hello 2012 and im thinking oh shit i dont have time to prepare for the apocalypse. usually its been years and ive been in a coma lost in drink fallen in and out of relationships and somehow in another home. changes. they slip by me. really i dont care enough to pay attention. usually i can be ok with this. ive had a lot of time to think about things. and boy oh boy there has been a lot to think about. in between cigarette cravings and coffee breaks i embrace the trigger. fall back to the day, when i sat clutching my chest, grabbing blindly for his hand, and walking upstairs to grow old in 45 minutes. there is always a trigger.
here i pause and wipe dust from this computer screen. turn to the tv, think about the other universe/dimension where this is not what im doing. where this person is me but not me. maybe i have long hair, maybe i dont have freckles, maybe i dont have this dull nagging pain in my lower stomach. maybe im talking to her right now. its hard to convince yourself that insanity is bad, when you can grab the world and shake it there, change it, find what you need and without hesitating you can give in. crazy people, really crazy people blink in and out of reality. maybe im jealous. maybe im done with all this stability. for all 7 months i had it, it was all for nothing. maybe. i dont know. this may just be one of my not so good days. the other night the boy i love leaned me against a car and begged me to come back, wake up, realize that all is not lost and for the life of me i couldnt even nod. i looked up into his face and wanted to be asleep. still with him, but not really.
there is so much to live for. so much to stay for. i just have to hold onto those things. its been exactly 20 days. maybe its just too early.
you dont want to be a crazy person steph. with your luck youll end up one of those trapped in their head in a little room with windows and no doors. womp.
i laugh, i touch, i talk, i sleep, and i have goals.
that cant be as bad as it feels, i cant be guilty for living for the rest of my life. she would probably be frustrated, watching me run in circles and talking myself out of things. i just wish i could hear her voice... just once.
aaaahhh impossible things we need so deeply. impossible.
up and down, this blog is brain vomit.
i need to finish cleaning.
need to move.
pfffffff........ thanks monday.

need

2010-11-23T14:39:00.002-06:00

i have much of it.

when does everything stop hurting, for real.

i need so much for a few quiet moments. but there is so much static and crackling im sure its too late. must have missed the window.

and the world started to break apart

2010-11-12T10:33:00.003-06:00

everything hurts. i need to do this. writing has always created something special in me, maybe taken away from the physical social thing, but something.
but right now im not sure, im not sure what will help.
im shaking loose, my mind is literally falling out of my eyes and nose, my heart... my poor fucking heart is beating a thousand times per second, too hard too fast. i went into the hospital last thurs day via an ambulance, excited and a little scared. water broken, pain coming, baby coming. i was praying on the hightway, EMTs talking to the back of my head. i thought everything was going to be ok. now. im at my sisters house. and i dont have a baby. i have a crooked painful cut on my stomach staples marching downward, i have a sore back, i have a hysterectomy, i have a cracked mind. i have a bag full of tiny blankets, knitted tiny beanies, tiny shoes, tiny everything. and still i have nothing. my arms have nothing.
my baby was tiny. she was barely there. she was mostly tubes, laying in a plastic box. and everything was wrong.
the doctors said she was sick. alot of words, but once he said the word 'fatal' i shut down. i reached for her fathers hands and let go of whatever sanity and hope i had left.
these things happen in the world everyday. but i dont care or give a crap about that. the things i would say to someone if the situation was reversed are meaningless. they bounce off me. the hole in my chest doesnt want to be filled. im so angry. my family calls and i dont answer. i dont want them to be sad for me or offer comfort. its almost like the nails waiting for me to decide im ready to start in with the hammer. it would be a tiny coffin. i dont think im ever going to be ready. i had a daughter, me, i was so ready for this little girl. my whole being was being poured into her growth, her happiness.. her life. and i had her for 5 days.
i honestly dont know what to do.
i try to go out, and i wake up heavy with guilt.
when i laugh something twitches as if to say, thats not fair.
i kiss my man and i think about what it would have been like to giggle with her about boys.
i repeat, everything hurts.
grief is a funny thing. sadness, anger, and other steps that seem much less prominent or important right now. i want my friends to be there, but i feel like a burden, a crying mess, a wreck.
nothing is working right. losing a child was not in my plans, my life has been this feeling over and over and ill be honest im fucking tired. i cant lose anyone else! where is the lesson? what was i supposed to learn? that i am strong enough to take my tiny baby off life support, let her father hold her while she died, wait in a little well decorated room for the nurse to bring her in after, so i could actually hold her? i wanted to feel her warmth, smell her skin, talk to her so she would look at me. not hold a small dead child wrapped in beautiful blankets and stumble through a cracked and difficult goodbye. this wasnt fair this wasnt fair this wasnt fair. oh, and they took my uterus too so i cant ever carry a child again mid C section? awesome, whats the lesson there? that i should buy some slamming jeans? my baby and my chances to do it again are basically gone. my sister tells me she'll carry my future children, but i miss my stomach, looking down and touching it, looking funny but womanly in my clothes.
fuck. this is something else man. i tell you im just not sure what happened.
pouring out feels better. i need it, since i cant really talk to people right now. the small group im hiding in, well they protect me, watch me, love me. but i want to sneak away and punch something, draw blood, scream.
psh. for now all i can do is write this and chug coffee. her blanket is here, i touch it often. it smells like the hospital, i wish it would hold the smell forever.

i miss you, baby. Alastair. piece of me.

back to the chaos. a little lighter though, thankfully.

the efforts

2010-11-03T01:44:00.000-05:00

I'm laying in bed with my cell phone pouring data and my brain is flying. Everything is too fast right now. Why can't I just take a pause and settle in some sweet quiet black for a while? I want it. Please?

probably

2010-10-24T13:40:00.002-05:00

i am crawling out of my skin.

adjusting? resigning?

i dont know. im just plain annoyed with myself.
i cant entertain, help, support, or do anything for myself.

i almost want to have the baby, sign some papers, walk out alone and crawl into a cardboard box to sleep off the next 20 years.

a serious though never happens when despair settles in first.

waiting, mostly

2010-10-13T21:07:00.002-05:00

i need to get back to this.
everything seems steady. moving. soft. stable.
im waiting for this little flutter to become a person. 6 months now and i feel tired, huge, and womanly. but im still stressed.
money, time constraints, decisions, blurs on an ultrasound.
how much can one brain stand?
creeping around the house, alone most times, thinking. thats never been a good combination. for me.

make it.

im trying.

miss

2010-08-30T14:40:00.002-05:00

ive made a few wrong decisions down the line, alot of them staring me in the face, ghosts back to remind me forever. but ive learned to ignore them mostly. maybe im not interested in lessons.
but this time around im a little shell shocked. i chose wrong, way wrong. i let the voices of others kill something and mix anger and i stormed out on the thing i want now more than ever. people dont usually get to me like this, its been years since the last time. im concerned. maybe ill get over it, but as with all human relationships pertaining to me i dont give it time to heal, i dont want to know what it would be like if i got over it i just want it back, and its burning in my head. wait wait wait i DID give it time, i gave it space, i ran away for months, moved, got involved elsewhere, and fuck - got pregnant - so i mean, that is time, that is distance, and while it is also blatant masochism without the shiny razors its evidence. i tried. true, when he came back and smiled at me i decided right there i had given up on fighting but i was sure, ready for, convinced that i had a life of single mom, no time for dating, time to focus joy ahead of me. he tells me the belly breaks his heart, that he loves me. but i hear whats underneath. he doesnt want me anymore and im sure i can be ok with that. i just miss my old life. everyday. i love my baby, and im sure when i see it nothing will matter but him/her. and all this maybe doesnt have anything to do with a person, maybe alot this is just the endless amount of lonely i have inside of me. burning. the disappointing result of my last relationship, the let down. the anger. i just need something. i swear at one time there were men on this planet. not the playthings and boys i see today. there has to be hope for the women out there.
even the broken ones like me. doing this alone is breaking my heart. as not to say i dont have friends, wonderful friends, who take care of me night and day. but its a different feeling when someone kisses you, runs his hands through your hair and down your face and says im here, go to sleep.
eeeeh enough of this.

i find comfort

2010-08-17T22:12:00.003-05:00

in the arms of people.

i swear i get rushes, blood to the head, woozy stints of yes this is perfect when i feel needed, wanted and desired.
the lows disappear.
its like im high.
and right now its the necessary.

uncomfortable silences

2010-08-13T15:39:00.002-05:00

generally awkward, i tend to stay away from situations that make me uncomfortable. this leads to lack of closure in fighting instances, people think i dont care, and sometimes i forget who my family is. i just dont like it when my heart beats that hard, when i cant breathe, when i get the twitches in my chest.
and these people come in and out.
reminding me im a coward.

slow

2010-08-12T19:00:00.001-05:00

the days blur.

brainismushhandsarereaching

2010-08-12T15:01:00.001-05:00

self pressure

2010-08-11T13:29:00.003-05:00

i see myself differently today. lately ive been feeling frantic and burdening. today i wake from dreams full of houses, guns, my grandmother, and hamburgers and i am absolutely IN LOVE with my mind. wired. on fire. the days that i can remember the details...
those are the few times i can appreciate the way i tick.
i go through old pictures, see all the art that i made, created with my own hands on the walls of my old houses. ive since given them away, i never ask for payment, i only ask they hang, proud and strong in someone elses space. parts of me. still, i miss them like children. their texture, their feeling, the colors.
i know that there is a person worth saving in here.
its just.
i bend to people. they look at me and i get anxious and guilty. sometimes for no reason.
i wish i could live in dreams. live in paint. go away and stay in a room that only i know about. (heh thought of harry potter)

maybe today is the day, where one of my mini empowerment phases where i am strong and sure begins. i hope so. im tired of being sad. i love it so, yes, but its exhausting.

well see.

baby carrots and the familiar feeling

2010-08-10T21:25:00.002-05:00

it feels like the same thing all the time right? like i live in circles, like i could never learn. ive tried to come to terms. all the times i maybe could have changed course and of course chose the blackout bruising hard way. the only thing that really changes is the people. they blink in and out. sometimes they wander into my path, unaware. they get drawn in, blinded, fucked maybe, drunk usually, angry most times. sometimes they stay, whether or not its for the best, their best, is usually not important. these are the ones i want the most. need maybe. they are complex unnatural friends, who i hurt repeatedly, love deeply, and get the most invested in. it grays sometimes, this category and the lovers category. some of these are the same thing though. its all very complicated and intricate. everyone has a place. i think. sometimes im so sure that its all been planned. like somehow im two people and one side is the planner and only that, she gets up while the majority of me is sleeping and adjusts things slightly in my life, putting people into crannies in my head, setting up the situation for pass or fail or fights or sex or dinner or.. you get it.
i really have no idea.
losing people is something ive come to know. whether its death or the huge blowout at the end of the passionate whirlwind of a friendship/relationship. but i dont like losing the foundations. im not giving them an official name or anything but thats just what they are, foundations. i only really have maybe 4 people who fit this. 2 of which are extremely important. necessary, even. after losing my brother i latched onto them fiercely. but its never been easy. apparently im a pretty big basket case. the bipolar tears through me and i go red in all aspects. i get it alot. i try to explain it, to doctors, to family, to my friends. its hard for them to understand what it is like to have to endure these bouts with rage, lust, indifference, and masochism. i change and i cant fight it. most times its rushing and overwhelming. i want this or that now, and i dont care about feelings, repercussions, or safety. i get hysterical and aggressive, sometimes quiet and withdrawn, seething with passive aggressive tendencies. i mean what kind of a person sits and thinks about how she can sneak injuries onto parts of her skin that she hasnt gotten to yet. i change moods so often i swear im in fog most of the day. i see myself being an asshole but i cant break out.
but still. im completely human. i need things. i feel neglected when i am. and on top of all this ive been going through for over a decade, now im fucking pregnant. im tired of hearing about my fucking hormones, tired of everyone waving me off as BITCHY. i am SCARED. i may have bipolar, but lately the baby has been calming it. now for the other gleam in my eyes, the one that gives bite to my words, thats the wonderful glint of quiet desperation that only a woman having a baby when she has nothing but a man that wont step up to his responsibilities could have. im struggling to see the good parts. the up side as they call it. my friends are good to me. the close ones. buying me food, letting me stay in their homes. but i sit and watch them work for their money, go out and get drunk and come back laughing, not have to worry about taking care of something that is loved but wasnt planned. it hurts. im jealous. and its tearing apart my relationships. i finally got to go out for 45 minutes this last friday. but it was rushed, they drank and smoked on a bar patio most of the time while i sat feet away. then apparently the friends i met up with deserved to be bashed. it was shit. so we went home and they left to a bar. im sorry but i was not happy. the weekend fell apart in my hands but again i was bitchy, cranky, impossible. it is always my fault. im so frustrated. even now after ive sent out apologies that im not sure were deserved no one is asking what is wrong.
what do i do?
i want to go back.
i want my old life back.
im terrified and sad all the time again, the dark wants me because it knows im vulnerable. it tells me werent you happy with me stephanie? the cutting felt so good, crying helps, dark rooms. they dont understand you. you burden these people. they WILL get tired of your shit. they may be too polite to tell you. but you have nothing to give them and they give you everything. useless girl. carrying something you wont ever be able to take care of. are you happy? of course not. come here.

im not sure ill say no.

ive always been so comfortable being unhappy.

fuck.

dreams, silence, home alone mostly, nothing

2010-08-06T23:19:00.002-05:00

living for bright beams of friends i havent seen in a while, i run into their arms as i smile too wide, compliment recklessly, and linger at goodbyes.
its like i had a life ages ago.
im sure i did.
there had to be times out in the "country" where we had a home and people filled it often. drinks, smoke in the air, games, sex, long long talks, and support.
it feels like forever ago. i feel so different now......... [empty stare]

[daze]

i shake this out of my head and look over at the hot cheetohs and lemon to my left.

tonight, i'll take heartburn over deep thought.

yeah.

blood like oil

2010-08-05T16:32:00.003-05:00

what is this, slow motion? everything feels dripping slow now.
its the point when i need the answers, your answers, his answers, facts, comforts, knowledge, give it to me why are you being so difficult when are the tests due back oh i could just fucking PUNCH something. its enraging.
finally im ready for it to be given straight as they say and now im dancing out of tune with nothing solid. holding myself up. fingers slipping through fog. there are few things real right now. i have two people beside me, one little person inside of me and 3 pets who mostly sleep and eat all day. i have no assets, nothing of my own to speak of spare random thrift store baubles, shoeboxes full of makeup, bobby pins, and plastic dinosaurs, and hair.
im far from derelict but im tripping ever closer. if it wasnt for the two angels i have protecting me on the weekends i might have already jumped texas and disappeared into unsolved mysteries status. i probably wouldnt care.
its so hard to think of others. that dark part of my brain twitches and im convinced im better off.
i could SWEAR i dont care.
[burning out inside]
its the point, you see.
i need to know, i need answers. remember. but at this point its mostly realization. that i may have to raise a child alone. that i have no job. that i can paint, but really i cant afford to anymore. that this was supposed to make me feel taken care of. but now i only fear for myself and my tiny parasite.
people like me never win the lottery, we get struck by lightening.
how long can i live in their homes before my angels throw up their hands and say snap the fuck out of it.
i feel a little useless today, that may be all.
its happened before.
ill surface soon.

right.

poster child. (it's not desired)

2010-07-07T13:33:00.003-05:00

i am trying to be excited again.

there just never seems to be enough time. we live for a short spark, then it is curtains for the single human. must be why we are always fussing, kissing, dancing, studying, fighting, making sharp stabbing attempts at loving.

maybe its because ive done too much in my 25 years. i mustve seen the end, a flag waving in the distance marking pencils down, when i was young. so i fell into hurricane. even my parents helped. foreign countries, living in a jungle, exorcisms, strange ice cream, then here. america. school, books, adventures over canyons, nintendo, boys, girls, running away, cutting, death, despair, joy, bloody knuckles. all of it jut swirling together to where i can barely pick it apart now.

its all stopped. its all behind me. ive done so much for myself. taken so much from others. demanded it. sure the boys in that department have left me wanting, empty. but its only a slightly annoying afterthought. boys. pssh. everything else has been a hell of a ride.

now. i have something else to live for. even though its precarious and i could lose it at any time. i hold onto the bond already formed.

i just want it to make it. want the little heart to keep beating so i can put all the experience and hurt and happy to good use.

i would make a wonderful mother i think.

i guess we'll have to wait and see.

admission

2010-06-16T22:40:00.004-05:00

this year has become a listing. a series of events. several colors. unexpected. the usual up and down broken by an attempt to change, creativity faltering around tiny pink cased heavy metals, and im used up, quiet, awake.

i write it all out and delete it.

a list

-i checked myself into a clinic this year. the bipolar cannot win. they put me on lithium. im not taking it anymore. i know, i know.
-my engagement falling apart led me to jaymes. im on board. i hope he can manage to keep up. i kick. and i am damaged in ways that cannot be undone or understood.
-this year made me believe that shit can happen for a reason. maybe the chaotic twirling i had imagined was just me trying to make excuses for a life im not in control of.
-politics have been making me sick.
-i quit smoking. im serious.
-i have a really good reason for the last line.
-i am still exhausted. i cant keep my eyes open, i want bed all the time.
-i stopped then started painting again.
-i miss blogging.

-cupcakes?

bear with me.

rebooting in process.

growth expected.

hearty handshake.

this maybe is real

2010-06-16T00:07:00.001-05:00

what a terrifying few months.

im ok. no worries. well some worries. high fives? no no no, not yet.

ugh i cant tell you yet. stop asking.

ill be back soon.

out of sight

2010-04-05T23:53:00.002-05:00

im a little lost, always jealous, fighting crime in my brains, nothing without a touch, friendly when i hate you, vicious when i love you, writing a book, hugging myself, single, fighting, crying, failing like my kidneys, going to work almost all the time, light headed.

ive tried several times.

just cant come back to this yet. state of down commences. these periods where i disappear. take everything and leave merely scent. and come back and expect you to have died a little without me. sigh.

particles in the air, and still i can breathe around them.

alone in other peoples houses

2010-03-02T14:16:00.004-06:00

i never quite feel right. here, in their things, in their rooms. trying to pretend they are mine. i dont eat, dont touch anything. hide in my blankets, in a room we made haphazardly. the tiny space full of our smell, and my dog sitting in the middle saying with a cocked head, "and just where are we?". we had to flee our home because of worthless people. i hate this feeling, its like weve given up. its like they won. and it makes me a bunch of different feelings at the same time. too much. this week was almost too much. there were happy points sure, there were times when it was all ok. but then at night the tv clicks off by itself and im in the dark eyes wide and questioning the whole fucked up puppet show of this vacation. he tells me to just forget about it, move on, look at my ring, know that he loves me, and i do. i do. but people in the world other than those in our warm inner circle scare me more than monsters, more than cockroaches, more than death. they bite and yell, they snatch things and break windows, they are always looking cockeyed at the others shaping and sizing them up, comparing the faults, feeling superior. i hate them. they smell like sulfur and expensive perfume, oils, tar, and slick greasy charm. i have panic attacks. i have to struggle to breath. lately ive been indoors almost constantly. i live to see small bursts of night and friends that dont have aggression in their voices. but im a little misguided in thinking that this will stay. i cant just ignore all the things that i feel. the fear is bad now, ive fed it and let it grow. the cutting i thought it was over i hoped it was but even when im strong im weak. my love for this person he sleeps next to me, he holds me when im screaming or crying or punching, i want it to stay. but the little backwards doubt i have is enough to make me hate my brain. all these things are constant, over the years ive been fooled into thinking this meant they were comfort. breaking from this has been a battle. too many pills and cold toned doctors have told me i am too sick to be normal. but ive been doing well. ive been working hard. im sure i can make it through this dark part, i have before. yea? he holds my hand. my dog kicks in his sleep. the peoples court comes on. i have paints. i have parents. i have a roof. i have everything i need.
right here. just breathe, woman. its ok. its ok. its ok.

yes

2010-02-23T17:19:00.003-06:00

the last few days:

-i went out with friends and had some strange talks.
-my car got stolen.
-i've gotten into a screaming drag out fist throwing fight.
-i've been given an engagement ring.
-i accepted said ring.
-the police found my car.
-im moving.
-im warm.
-i'll catch up later.

heathens to heroes (almost yelling)

2010-02-19T01:24:00.003-06:00

its the American way. my face burns hot with embarrassment and disbelief. how people can think they are being brave and heroic when all they are is ignorant, stupid, shameless. you fail and you need someone to blame. you fail, sorry tough luck, you know what? stop complaining and get of your fucking ass and get moving again. dont point fingers and cry foul! DONT CRASH PLANES INTO FUCKING BUILDINGS. and you, you filthy idiots squealing and writhing, fans of all this, throwing up fan pages around the pain and burning. you are the worst of all. at least the man in the plane is dead, but we still have to live in the same country and i dont know how i feel about that. seriously, how could you make this a GOOD thing? how could you make this sick man a HERO? like i said, anarchy is high school, wearing black, the world is against you, youre too young to take care of yourself, its ok to be so off base. but we are grown now. we are part of this, cogs in a country that we need, we are supposed to be smart, quick, educated, free. we should be rational and fair. we should know better than this. and yes i understand there is a percentage of retardation but just cause your mom smoked a little rock while you were in the womb doesnt excuse your dim witted half assed yells in support of something that is setting us back so far in our attempt to be taken seriously.

i am so baffled.

almost laughing.

this is ridiculous.

gotta get out of here.

shut up

2010-02-17T15:21:00.004-06:00

honestly i get it, everyone can talk, can have an opinion, we have rights here and it is a blessing blah blah blah.
but for fucks sake why do we let the people we know are reaching for fame, straining for a camera, just trying to keep a wary and sometimes too dramatic existence going. get up there and get their word in?

ok ill start with peta. and you know what i dont respect peta. some of you are going to say hey they save animals they fight for their rights and so on, and you know what ill laugh in your face. a few years ago when i was young they were nothing more than COOL. they had t shirts and flyers and sad videos on the internet. and i went veg i paid dues, i picketed in front of labs, the whole nine yards. THEN they started drowning puppies in sewage, they started recording videos that were peta members killing animals on farms, to gain sympathy, they started "losing money". i was heartbroken but realized yes this is America everything is a business. and i moved on. so when these two women disrupt the Westminster dog show i smile a little and wonder what the hell these people are thinking. signs that say "Mutts rule" and "Purebreds kill shelter Dogs" flash for a second then the women are escorted out. i stop and think wait, all through this incredible dog show ive see tons of commercials singing praises of shelter dogs, heart wrenching tear jerking little dogs looking out from bars while the announcer says "i am strong i am wise you dont need to feel sorry for me you need to adopt me." my own dog is rescued, hes the light of my life, i love to watch these shows to see the exotic and the working, the purest of dogs, they are really amazing to see, and its a show of all the hard work and dedication the people who show t hem have. they love these dogs, they care for them immensely and all because they can. they should be able to show them. its like cars and horses. and the show took every opportunity to call back on the dogs that are lost and in need of homes, they were sponsored by several companies that send proceeds to shelters. so come on peta. fucking chill out. and try to fix your company so you dont need the publicity stunts and you can actually do some good instead of being just another blip in the news the next day.

and you sarah palin. all i really want to say to you is shut up. you are the title track of this blog. who do you think you are that you think you have all this pull? if you dont like family guy DON'T WATCH IT. you must already know they dont give a shit at fox and yea theyre gonna take shots at you all they can, after all its hilarious. and youre an easy target. but your just making it worse. all you do is BITCH, my god! why cant you read more? no, cause then there would be a book burning probably. shit. im out of ideas. its just, we GET that you have a disabled son. and we are sorry. even those of us who hate your politics. i had a disabled brother who got shot by cops. he was charged with attempted capital murder when he shot a bebe gun at cops in a rage due to huntingtons. he went to jail. why dont you do some good and stop focusing on comedy media and start with that? help us that have had family with disability and and have had horrible prejudice forced upon us, for we are helpless in ourselves. we're just people. by some grace you have gained power god knows how, but you could do some good sarah, and if you are really passionate about the cause you could really help us. dont waste your time on THIS. seriously.

im in a way today. i just want everyone to be content for once. i know there is bad shit. i know there are things you dont agree with i am the same way. i feel it all the time. but why waste all this breath and energy to complain when you could be doing something about it or focusing on real issues. you cant depend on the masses to help you. if its your belief your passion to make change youll find a way. it just doesnt have to be a tantrum or a petulant whining.

work, being on an island (in a sense), and austrians

2010-02-15T13:14:00.003-06:00

mmmm ice cream for breakfast.

all day yesterday i thought about people in psych wards. i couldnt help it and i actually think of them everyday as i speak to them everyday. i mean, i understand the need for communication to be available to all peoples but kick me in the face if i dont agree with putting pay phones in those places. their voices hurt me. and they call all day over and over again most times to the same numbers and almost always hitting a dead end. answering machine, someone picking up the phone and immediately hanging up, disconnect messages. i have their names, our repeat offenders, in my head. i remember what i saw when i was in one of those places, state hospitals, mental and behavioral health wings, and i shiver a little and my heart breaks a little for these people that dont seem to understand that no one wants to talk to them and no no im sorry i cant try another number for you. isnt it only hurting them to give them a chance to be rejected so many times in one day? they should just regulate a phone call during a checkup or individual therapy. but i think thats a privilege set aside for more lucid and stable people. when i was at san antonio state the nurse let me use her cell phone and sneak a cigarette telling me, youre not retarded like the rest, you just cut yourself, your basically normal, right? nice to know these people watch the lost. but i kept my mouth closed and called my dad to come get me as soon as fucking possible. its terribly screwed up, the joke of the mind and body that is mental disorder and handicap. these people are prisoners in their own skin, they become more like pets you see on the ghetto side of town - on a short leash with food and water bowls tossed in, not deadly enough to be put down but not safe enough to be let loose in the yard. i gotta stop thinking about this.

i committed a somewhat crime the other day. we were driving through the side of town you roll up your windows in and i saw this little dachshund walking around by itself. it was too thin and it didnt have a collar. so using some bill millers and the interesting driving of joses sister i stole the dog. im pretty sure it didnt belong to anyone but if it did shame on those people for letting the little guy nearly starve to death. :/ marty loved him but he was a handful so mom and dad took him to use as a little indoor alarm system, haha. and we named him maximum damage panchito. i would do it again too. i hate it when people dont take the responsibility of taking care of a pet seriously. they need us.

my uncle was in town this weekend. he is couch surfing with a group of austrians and they are breezing through texas. so sat night we all went out and hit downtown. it was fun, freezing, and blurry at the end. the whole group of us walking the city was a nice getaway from the hermit style ive adapted. getting OUT and talking with new faces, laughing and yes getting absolutely shit faced was amazing. thomas took a shining to one of the austrian girls and struck out, bg and jose played a game of pool with a random shark and won, dawnelle said something in german that made the whole austrian group yell and throw up their hands (im a little bitch, i think, hah) and then we came back to our house and talked government, queer culture, travel, how cute the euro is, and what time the bars close over there. plus catching up with mike (uncle) was nice too. i feel like im not close enough to my family. ive been doing the pulling thing too long now. anyway i think we decided that me and dawnelle are gonna couch surf europe and totally stop over in austria to visit our new friends. i think one of them likes her, hah. but yea im thinking this is a long term goal. haha. its a daunting and scary task you really have to prepare for to go to another country with just your best girl. anyway sat was interesting. the only bad part was waking up the next day feeling like a piece of beef jerky that had been eaten and pooped out again by a rabid mountain lion. yay.

i have been dreaming. ALOT. thing is i remember them for ten minutes, then try to walk through to write them down and they leave. its been MADDENING. i dont know why this is happening. it makes me feel normal and useless. harumph.

woof, what a weekend. im exhausted.

smoke signals

2010-02-10T15:21:00.002-06:00

wellllll, no mas cell phone.

i woke up and reached for her this morning, to check my twitter, to see who needs me, to tell someone i need them, to click away. let it ring. talk.

and she wasn't there.

i suppose i'll manage.

hard to explain

2010-02-09T14:34:00.007-06:00

woof, i just woke up in a semi frenzy. what a weird ass dream, im sure i thought i was drunk and suffocating at the end there, even though i went for a run last night, drank water and tried to lay down as early as i could (2am). its like my body and mind love the chaos. they have tasted it and they miss it as far as they are concerned im a boring fuck and a little terrifying stimulation wont hurt anybody.

i swear my hands are shaking.

last night:

so im living in a huge house. its massive and it actually breaks into a courtyard in the center so its more of a complex maybe than a whole house. i live with ivan and sep and they have a massive wing to themselves that opens to the living room. the house is full of furniture from my life, the dark tall entertainment center that i used to love when i was young, the couches, tiny glass things on every shelf. im wandering through the house and its pieces of all my other houses ive ever lived in, the Philippines, san diego, here in san antonio. im touching everything. these things, these houses play deep resonating roles in the massive chain of events that made me stephanie so i take in every detail and laugh at the red and black shag carpet under my feet. (we got that here in our first house in texas) i come to ivans room and walk in its more of a large closet and its wall are like a drug store, full of makeup, creams, powders and cotten balls. i browse. im reaching for a bottle of pills when i hear movement outside, i ignore it and open the bottle. the pills are multicolored and multishaped, they are beautiful like little jewels and they smell like berries. they are vitamins? pain pills? diet pills? i cant read the label, i pour some of them into my hand and look at them closely, tiny powdery horses, glittery hearts that are anatomically correct, blue babies with umbilical cords still attached, yellow regular vicodan shapes. im about to try a fist full when ivan appears at the door, i stutter that i was just looking for some foundation and as im walking out he takes the bottle from my hands and gently tells me these are poison. like i am a small child. i flee.

[parts missing fuzzy frustrating]
-somewhere in here there was a grassy hill and a college campus and then an east side vacant lot. i cant grab it.
-there was also a part where we bring my grandmother a bright red picnic table and we sit and talk with her. her two dogs are tied up to a fence near us and i notice they arent barking. i look closely and their mouths are sealed shut. they are deathly thin. i want to cry.

finally i come back into full remembering with me and thomas going to a digital strip club. the women are not real they are like video game women. there is a massive stage and the girls crawl all over it. at one point they shut off the music and i slow dance on the stage with ha bountiful red head. she sighs and puts her head on my shoulder and i feel her thighs on mine and yes i am turned on but then i smell plastic and smoke and i remember shes not a real woman so i walk from her and she starts to yell at me, but it sounds like autotune and i run out the door. now i feel drunk im swaying on my feet and im in an alley. im slammed from behind by a familiar face - jaymes - hes standing there a little breathless and he shakes a bottle in my face and says,
"wake up! you were waiting for me then?"
and i say, "no i just knew you'd show up, where are we going?"
he said, "we can find things where our souls live, we can find what we need in moments, right now we are a second, we are ticking, we are walking, and you should arm up."
and he extends his arm and i take it and off we run! i am vaguely aware that there were two cop cars at the other end of the alley and as we reach our end and the street i hear their engines start and i stumble and fall. jaymes drags me and i find my feet, we are running towards a huge church, i fall two more times before we are ushered into the church by a cute girl with glasses. she walks us through the halls of it and we find a dimly lit living room, i hear whispers and turn to look down the hallways where i see small old women huddled around corners. creepy. the girl in the glasses sits me and jyames down and offers us cigarettes. her and jaymes drink deeply from the bottle he has and i feel faint. i look at the walls, they are covered in painting, strange beautiful works, with vibrant colors and crazy themes. im not doing too well and i fall out of my chair.

and wake up on my floor at home. shaking and kicking and out of breath.

yep.

i need some fucking coffee.

headsore

2010-02-04T02:29:00.003-06:00

sometimes

-i just really want some fucking candy.
-i think i should go vegetarian.
-i wonder why i hurt everywhere.
-i smile at strangers on the street, kinda.
-i just need the good, strong, slightly acidic kind of coffee.
-things work out.
-the bed feels like its full of needles. why can't i just sleep?
-my dreams aren't for me, the messages i mean.
-i wonder what it would be like right now if i had just skipped 2006. [travesty]
-my head head feels like its going to break open in an unexpected place.
-i cut off all my hair.
-i trust.

im in a weird way. its been a long time since, well, since there have been marks to explain. its been hard, i think about it everyday. he tells me its not worth it. i tell him he doesnt understand. he just smiles and say im too beautiful to be doing that shit. he gives me butterflies and i focus on the fluttery feeling rather than the itchy finger one. im lucky. but im also weak. i dont want to think about relapse i dont want to relive or even remember the alcohol burn of a white hospital. cream colored dapakote, tiny pink seroquel. twitch. but its ok. im sure im stronger than i give myself credit for. but nights when im all alone wide awake and thinking too much all too fast well those are the perfect nights for bad decisions.

its ok.

the down always leads back to ups.

hang on. hang on. hang on.

being in a coma - easier than you think kids

2010-02-02T16:31:00.009-06:00

i sleep like the dead. waking up in the morning is like dragging myself out wet cement. my head is a thousand pounds, my brain is screaming at my limbs to keep me still, [she prefers dreaming to reality], and i have to think really hard to figure out where i am exactly and why is it so dark if its daytime?

anyway. i dream.
and i am frustrated because the one last night is getting away from me. with the dog needing to go out, and me being distracted by the weather, then jose comes home for lunch and all the damn little tidbits are slipping. i remember:

-the ocean with all the people floating in it. some were dead and some weren't. apparently thats how people would travel. they would lay in the water and float to another place. anchored to their legs were cabinets and suitcases. i remember floating around and hearing a family cry because their father was dead and they were clinging to his bobbing body for dear life.
-back on land trying to get my family to pack so they could leave the island they were on. there was a huge cabinet and i watched my mom and dad crawl into the impossibly small drawers and settle in for the journey. i was shoveling in jewelry telling the person helping me dont steal any of this, she has it all weighed she will know and the wedding ring is the most important. i look at all the jewelry and keep pushing into the drawers.
-the diner. there was a diner that was more like a jail? you would go into the first part of it, like a capsule, and feel air whooshing around you. then you went into the main part where you sat at a table with another person. the tables would decide who to keep. both time i was in the diner the chains wrapped around the other person and i walked out. it was terrifying.

shit. i cant remember much else of it. it was another dream i had the homesickness for. i swear it hurts like real life. i wake up and throughout the day ill get these pangs of sadness, like ive lost a good friend, or ive moved a million miles away from a warm comforting place. its the damndest thing.

its been a real financial struggle lately. money has a way of aging you slash killing you a little inside. sigh.

i started painting the big giant piece yesterday. its coming along.

its a rough draft as of now. the rabbit will be filled and detailed. the clouds will be thicker and more colors will be used at the bottom. from where the pink clouds top is and up i will be spray painting the entire upper part a patent leather black frame and all. then using butcher paper ill create stars by punching holes and using a stark white. on top of THAT ill be painting out solar system planets. the planets themselves wont go onto the frame theyll be contained. i think ill love that contrast and the whole fucking with perspective. i gotta tell you. im really loving this one.

work has been mind numbing. if it wasnt for the weirdos i know and love there i would paint the walls with my brains. leash yells at callers, navi makes crack coffee and jaymes makes me want to punch him in the face. saviors.

mostly its this

the dog is staring at me. fine we'll go walk in this pea soup travesty of bipolar weather that is san antonio tonight.

[grump]

was i sleeping

2010-02-02T05:15:00.000-06:00

have i slept

dream 867295756.9678472

2010-01-28T13:07:00.003-06:00

last nights dream was short and packed in with very confusing shit, let me tell you, dont know what was wrong with the brain but she was moving.
i cant even grab all of it.
i swear i was only asleep for an hour...

and here:

the part i can remember is the last part. but in the beginning im sure i faintly remember
-the ocean
-boats, HUGE boats, and a town floating out in the middle of nowhere
-a child bartender
-fish tanks full of goldfish
-jellyfish bites

the ending was a little more grounded, hah, i guess. i was in my first house here in san antonio, the house we moved in when we first got here when i was young. but now im a grown woman, much older than i am now i think. and i have children. (shudder) so i know ive been walking for the last few hours i feel memories, dream memories, of a campus of some kind, with alot of ivy. i also see a mans face, hes angry. im in the house now and i hear a banging on the front door its the man i know it i start to shake and try to find places to hide while grabbing up my children, who i really cant see clearly. hmp. now the banging is getting louder and im building a wall down the middle of the house cutting off the back from the front, working mind blowingly fast. i think i have a husband he must be near me somewhere holding the kids. just as im getting to the the last upper left corner i hear the man get through the door just as my youngest child throws herself into my arms. the mans upper body thrusts through the unfinished part of the wall and hes screaming. i start to tell him please i tried, i did what you asked please dont i have a family. he is still screaming when he shoots me in the head twice and then unloads into the room wildy. i dont lose consciousness, im on the floor, i dont feel my child moving. i look over and see a man in the floor near me. i blink and now we are all laying in the porch of this house. still bleeding, waiting to die. but now there is movement, everywhere. in the street facing the house cars are piling in parking. people are getting out, its almost like a party. directly across the street is my grandmothers house (in real life too) and i look for her. i feel dull pain all over and still, the tiny thing in my arm doesnt move. i see people coming out of my grandmas house, women who look mannish. short hair, cutoff sleeves, etc. i call to her, where is she i need help. please. im sleepy. finally i see an ambulance. a large man steps up to us. he says let me have her, i need to help her. and now im saying ive been stabbed. im so confused none of this makes sense. as im saying ive been stabbed i see the baby he pulls away from me, i thought she was older, shes tiny, with a hole dripping blood and gaping on her side. i start to scream. now my grandma walks up, dressed in a beautiful lace dress, stark white. shes laughing and she touches my hand and tells me to stand up. i say im hurt. shes says its not so bad. so i get up and walk to the ambulance. inside i see a small plastic tub full of blankets and what i think is my baby. the man says how old is she i say 1 to 2 years i dont know shes small. i look in the tub and start to reach for her but now shes not a baby shes a puppy. (??!!HUH??!!) i pet the puppy and see there is tape wrapped around parts of it body. i look down and see holes in mine. i start to pass out and wake up.
jose is telling me goodbye i love you text me.

and im left in bed wide eyed and breathing hard and reaching for where i think my spleen is.

woof.

THAT was fucking weird.

i honestly dont know.

gonna think it over today.

and marty just stares at me

2010-01-26T16:41:00.003-06:00

finally. day off.
psssh. like i don't have months off every year or anything. i am greedy when it comes to time.

i've been in a very good mood lately. think its because of the boy. i don't know what is different this time or why it's working all of a sudden but damn it i'm very much in love. hm. i'm thankful to have someone who takes care of me and loves me like him. it hasn't been easy by any means, i mean try having an angry bipolar artist/lazy bum for a girlfriend. i'm very complicated. and so is he. the beginning was crazy rocky. i left him for a while. but i couldn't not see him, i was connected already by then he was all i saw when i thought of love, holding hands, sex, and friendship. and now we have our little home, our dog, our life. and he brings balance. he brings happiness. he kisses me and tells me that im beautiful when im caught in manic anxiety or crying and useless in bed. he drags me outside, to parks, on walks with the dog, to his moms house, to dinner. he knows just how to make me feel whole, and productive. he encourages my art, says he is inspired by it. and i love watching him on his bike. he has a warm soul. and i love him. last night he said his love for me is like the universe - expanding endlessly. i was 14 again except this time i found the prince charming i never found then.
its all so nice.

strange.

now if only i could address my fear of other people. haha. he still gets confused when i kick and scream at the mention of shopping malls.

my new dog is amazing. marty. he is the coolest little dropped dog ever. i swear he has a voice like morgan freeman. and he is staring at me right now. we have been spoiling the living shit out of this creature, he eats like every hour. and he always tries to sneak into bed. sweetheart. he hates cats but i can get past that.

heh.

[i keep messing with the gaping hole in my mouth. gross]

it's been whirl windy. i swear i don't recognize me. i'm sure i'll be someone else tomorrow. but today is my day off so i'm easy.

time to watch nat geo with the dog.

goodbye tooth, hello hole in head

2010-01-23T19:59:00.002-06:00

last night i had an emergency extraction for a wicked tooth with a helluva cavity. i was in so much pain i was sure my head was gonna give birth to an elephant. instead this little guy came out with a nice young dentist grunting over pliers and his assistant holding my jaw while i tried not to laugh. after swallowing blood all night im feeling much better. the tooth misses me though. heh.

something something something and then i smacked it as hard as i could....

2010-01-22T03:00:00.001-06:00

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

i just dont know

2010-01-17T01:57:00.003-06:00

about all of this sometimes. today im all tears and frantic motions. hold it together. cant you breathe. huff huff huff huff. gasp.

im no good at talking to you face to face. im all quivers when i have to take a stand its too hard to deal with these adult situations its too much to tell you what youre doing wrong im too scared of all the repercussions im a coward ok? happy now?

and i ran away from there so fast i swear my shadow stayed behind.

its no one specific, its EVERYONE. every other breathing soft thing. ugh i kick myself when im safe at home, practicing what i should have said in the bathroom, saying you are 24 what the hell is this shit. youre so strong here what happens outside? and i stop and look at my own face in the mirror and the bewildered dog at my feet and sigh.

i need bed. and national geographic. and tea. and him.

goodnight internet.

why yes

2010-01-15T14:19:00.002-06:00

i did notice its friday.

tales of destruction will be here soon.

do you have a guest bedroom?

fuck it, he'll sleep under my feet.

dream, sleep erratic, cup a soup, and dogcouch

2010-01-13T15:42:00.003-06:00

last night was pretty smooth going. fight club, actually getting picked up, advice on the highway, getting in late. the damn dog was on the couch again, i make a mental note to wash the covers, hes still up, he seems distant, i try not to think about it.

sleep came pretty easy.

dream:

its halloween. and im in a wheel chair. am i paralyzed? i can hardly tell im not moving much and if i am i cant feel it. we're by a huge indoor swimming pool with slides all around it. there are people everywhere, some are like me, in chairs, some stand. its a camp of some kind, for people with fear. i think. i wheel to the edge of the pool and look up. the slides around the edges are massive, so tall. and multi layered. people are sliding off of them at alarming speeds nearly meeting in air before crashing into the water. its almost beautiful. i hear crying to my right and see a man in a chair holding his face. i go to him and tell him its ok, ill go with you, well go to the top, well fly. so he follows me to the ladder and we have to pull ourselves up with only our arms. we finally get to the top and clamber onto the slide, i tell him im right here. were so high up, im a little dizzy. i see him go he tries to stop at the end he must be terrified but he falls over the edge less than gracefully and hes gone. i know i cant go back on a promise so i push off. towards the end i get scared and try to stop myself too. i lean over and look down, sweet jesus its far, no no no, but now i feel the whole slide tipping with me on it, and we fall. i get the flutter in the stomach and the water is coming and then black.
[i dont quite wake up]
now im in a school. again, full of people. in costume, they mill everywhere. i walk around looking at everyone. the costumes are great, the eggs from yoshis island, crazy monsters, ninjas, darwin. im getting a little panicked so i duck through a door to my left to get some peace and find myself tumbling off a 2 story ledge into a soft mound of cut grass outside. i shake myself off and stand up to look around. im at the side of the school, its massive [why is everything so BIG in this dream], at least 5 stories. im in a little side field that is full of bones. yep. bones. skeletons whole and in pieces lay all around me. crap i gotta get back inside so i start to make my way over the soft ground. i hear shifting behind me and look back. a skeleton is trying to stand. shit! im done. i start to run. i finally find a door back into the building and i run head first into dawnelle. shes trailing a group of boys behind her. shes says we have to get to the top. the library. well be safe there. animals and children live there. im confused. she drags me into a stairwell and we try to make our way up through the flow of people trying to get down. i tell everyone i can that the skeletons are coming to life. they laugh and say its halloween of course they are. finally we get to the top floor and manage to get through the door. the whole floor is open. no walls only bookshelves that only come up about 3 feet. there is a soft orange glow in the room, like sunset. animals of all kinds run through the aisles, and i see children playing games and reading in their costumes all about. dawnelle says look what i brought and i look at her in time to see her disappear through the door, grabbed and dragged out by hands grasping every part of her. i turn back to the room and now theres nothing. books lay open, fur clings to walls. and im alone.

i wake up.

and its fucking 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

fantastic.

i start work again tomorrow. gotta get out of this sleeping death state.

time to wash the dog. he smells terrible. maybe i can also hunt down a cigarette.

strays, paintings (finally), and a dream

2010-01-12T14:35:00.005-06:00

firstly ill get this to you. ive been meaning to share as it is. these are my most recent along with one of toms. (very talented) on the black one, jupiter complex, there have been additions and revisions but that will be posted later. so yea. go on.

PAINTINGS

last night was monday. right? think so. we went to the boys brothers house and had a pretty interesting conversation on the porch, all the while being accosted by neighborhood cats and small children. eventually it was getting down to pretty rough deep talk and me well i wasnt up for it. these people were strangers! i was curling up. we left. i felt like i had failed. all the gusto i had earlier in the day i was so ready to get out and talk to people and be just there. ehhh. bed and the late night tv curse were a little more appealing. i had the longest deepest dream ever.

so.

im definitely a boy. in the dream. ahem. im younger like 15. something is wrong, i think ive lost someone close to me. i have a little group of friends with me. were in this huge house massive mansion something. i hear voices in the other room so i follow them and my friends follow me. as i walk into this massive ballroom i see that the room is actually split down the middle by this shimmering wall almost like water. i walk up to it. people are standing in front of the wall and talking in hushed tones, hurried and a little upset. i see movement behind the moving surface and a girl appears. shes beautiful, blond tiny waist completely stylized but so very appealing. i reach through the surface and dont even think i just grab her and pull her through shes falling into my arms crying a little shes says im so happy to see you, i hate being stuck there and its all coming back to me. shes mine we are in love and totally and utterly cursed. shes banished from my world or some shit and im trying to get her back. but i think shes here now, ive got her and we kiss. shes so small and she smells amazing. but then she starts to scream my fingers! i look and her nails are falling off turning into dust. the tips of her hair blow away, shes buckling. i push her back through the surface and im flung into it too. she falls to the ground, back to normal, and i dont feel good. she pushes a flower into my hand then me back through the wall. we look at each other and she cries. she has bright purple eye makeup. it strikes me that theres no time to waste. a woman behind me tells me that im changing the future and she hands me a pile of books and sketch pads. me and my friends leave. were on a grassy hill. i get the feeling that everyone is leaving in my family, on a trip. i tell my friends we have the house to ourselves. we should go there, have a party.
[something fuzzy happens here..]
instead we end up on a roller coaster, trying to read the journals and pretending like detective work is this. when the coaster stops we hold open the book and i see names and lines and lines of writing, done neatly and in female hand. the lines all say the same thing - my name is ______. i cant quite read the name, its written a thousand times. the roller coaster starts up and i let go of the journal. in my head im thinking whats love anyway. ill find another. this is too hard.
[something else happens]

and i wake up to the boy kissing me goodbye.

confused and shaken, i demand to know what the hell my brain is thinking.

i always fall in love in my dream. and i cant ever stand straight after the ones that break my heart. this one was too real. ive never felt the want so deep. but at the end the seperation was too easy. and thats what scared me the most.

gotta try to salvage today. ill walk the dog for now.

strangers, grasping, cigarettes, and a need to make changes

2010-01-11T16:43:00.003-06:00

sometimes i disappear.

usually its due to indifference, resignation, i dont see a need to participate when the crap of the world is in the air, thick and choking. its better to stay in, stay away from outlets, computers, radio, voices. i dive into books, i touch and i write on paper, real paper. i become obsessed with pens, i throw energy into physical altercations like fighting or sex. everything needs to be proven suddenly. the internet and television is too easy, it gives you the feeling the story the colors. real life is harder you have to go out and get it. so i venture out. finally after weeks of being locked in, and once im out im out. the car gets filled up i get in it and i call every number in my contacts trying to find an accomplice. someone please come with me. its lonely now, after all that pushing i need you finally, are you there. im on my way. its so strange some of my friends have the weirdest looks on their faces, like who are you? this smiling warm stranger, she swears she knows me but i dont remember the color of her hair or the ways her eyes dont hold mine. but her voice is clear now and she wants to pay for everything. i come in small bursts, flaming, burning. i feel the mood swings coming and try to ignore them. sometimes it works. after a time i wear out. i stop calling. stop moving. now your pulling me and im pushing back, its all so familiar. a strange cycle like seasons eating my brain. i swear its like sedation. i want to do things. i want to get on and talk to you but i cant find it in me. i think im coming out right now. the winter weather and the ice and the dog and all the sketches filling up and overflowing in my head its time to actually get things started again. and all the things i want to do cant wait. i dont have alot of time remember eventually the proverbial leaves will turn and the locks will click black and ill be in full fetal mode. but for right now im shaking off the sheets and getting a little excited. ive been away.

i need a cigarette and some paint and i need to get going already.

hm.

back.

2010-01-07T23:03:00.001-06:00

im here again.

and this time im in a writing way.

ive had my nyquil and a beer and im ready for later to be here already so i can post those damn paintings and write your hearts out.

still be there.

are you?

overload[ing]

2009-12-15T16:08:00.003-06:00

woof, what a couple of weeks.
everything is packed in pretty tight. cracking almost.

i feel like ive been driving EVERYWHERE. my car is racking up miles and adjusting to having a person in her constantly. we know each other by touch now, she turns with a thought, and i feed her and feed her and feed her till my pockets rip and the gas station attendant knows my full name and social security number. its not a terrible thing. its the restless i need out now what are you doing oh you need a ride sure kinda thing i get when im feeling needy and anxious. my back is sore but ive learned that stopping just right is a back stretch inertia style. trips across town are always exciting. in case you dont know i am stephanie proud owner of a car but not of a license. (riding durty) breaking the law is easier when you have a car full of people and a city full of cops. vroom.

painting has been frustrating. ive been knocking out pieces but a week ago i stopped. the flow stopped. i have sketches and fancy tools i want to try out but my brain seems crippled under stress, or the coffee the constant coffee, or the fact that the insomnia is back. all night i watch law and order SVU and read and walk by the leaning canvasses and brushes but when i sit and set up and decide im going to do this it just fails. blah ive never been so frantic to just have an idea. but something in there tells me its all been done, and how creative can you be on an art budget not fit for a kindergarten class, etc. this better pass.... yes?

the boy i live with is an alien. hes the hardest person to understand in the entire world. ive never met someone who loves to be with me so much but hates to be around the people i know. he just clams up, closes down, pulls away and its a terrible feeling to watch him fail every first impression when it comes to the others i hold dear in my life. like a double life its just too much to cottle everyone. thats the overall feeling i guess when it comes to people right now. i mean friends are nice but seriously needy. more so than me. i find myself wandering through them week to week throwing myself around the city and calling and calling to schedule and confirm. im exhausted. and the days are far and few that i can just sit and have someone come to me. someone visit me here, and ask me how im doing. its not terrible work though, loving them. they are a great group. but i want to be needy too. im so good at it.

i miss my mom, she should come home already.

i really wish i had a small dog. like a weenie or a little orange terrier (hah like the one next door i sneak treats to) i need a cuddle buddy.

everything else is cake. right. no, its a massive overdose of what the fuck.

i just want to move to california, show my art in the city, live in the mountains, take a pretty girl as a lover and retire.

perfection. [want]

gotta go.

dear joey

2009-12-03T01:35:00.003-06:00

hey honey, its me again, big sister, confidante, stephanie.

happy birthday. today you would have been 23.

i miss you, duh. i think about you everyday.
ive written you four of these letters. funny it feels like you just left yesterday. i love you. being here and working through life and dealing with mom and dad is so much harder without you, and as strong as i was for you, im hardly that strong for myself. but im making it. im doing what i can. im still unsteady but at least im standing. i think about what it would be like had you stayed all the time. how different things would have been. but its tough to play with that in my head. in the end i just miss you terrible and deeply, and i make myself sad.

i know you wouldnt want that.

im scared sometimes. that ill wake up and it wont hurt though. that i wont remember your laugh, your face, or the way you talked. i dont want to forget the way you were soo ticklish and the look on your face when you were playing with the dogs or watching a movie. we did everything together i dont want to forget what that felt like. your friendship and your love. i dont have anyone to watch anymore. i want my little brother back.

i miss you sooo much. you cant know what this is like. and it been years since we said goodbye, even though we didnt, and time isnt helping the loss much. friends are sure, mom and dad crazy as they are help too, but its not you.

but i know you are in a better place and im sure you have alot to do up there.

i love you. i love you i love you.

happy birthday.

dont forget me.

always with you,
steph

there are so many opportunities

2009-12-01T03:37:00.002-06:00

to fight oneself.

sometimes i catch myself. but most times i just go with it. heh. is there some kind of pull when it comes to violence, am i greedily eating up the the rush of this addiction? i think so.

im not scared.

its fun, sometimes.

im done with the social parts, maybe im through with the family aspect of friends. im fighting the urge to hole up and run away.

ill change opinions by the morning. im lost in an existential daze for the time being.

the soreness, the scratches, the bruises, the reminders.

back.

manic.

flowing.

away.

in an moment

2009-11-28T05:15:00.001-06:00

i lost myself.

im pretty sure i just slapped someone in the face.

closed doors.

locked them.

and i dont care.

me again

2009-11-21T03:31:00.001-06:00

the lost angry simple stand alone girl you always loved to watch crash.

im too tired for this.

but it doesnt seem to click.

doesnt come to the surface.

im gonna give you everything. since after all its nothing.

right?

ps

2009-11-13T03:15:00.002-06:00

i am now selling my work. pictures soon. cash accepted. but if you write me something moving ill give it to you for free.

promise.

im not a hack, and ill make you think and stare. with paint. ooooooh. hah.

coma time.

i lied

2009-11-13T02:51:00.001-06:00

still smoking.

not caring though. so i guess it works out.

#bodyfail

2009-11-10T14:41:00.004-06:00

my whole body hurts. its been the mood lately. the down. it hasnt been so bad.
i just quit smoking, again.
maybe ill go for a run tomorrow.
its been a while. im getting too soft again.

last night the dream was in and out. i couldnt stay asleep for longer than a few minutes. and even then i was restless. i only remember
jogging
a bus
streets and a man following me
the bar i found when i got lost
a girl pouring orange juice on her self
and finally being found
huh i could swear there was something more. i have the residual dream homesickness i always have when something was really good. but i dont have any images to back this up. maybe it was nothing.

im not looking forward to work today. something about the last few days has made me pull in to myself. how do you explain that to people you really just barely know? answer: you dont. although tonight is one of my favorite nights now. a now familiar and comforting gorup, even that one grumpy one. well see. maybe after i just wont come home. i did promise a visit to someone. jose is very understanding of my runaways. i should remember this. not take it too far. jumping ahead now.

sore and still half asleep i must get ready for work.

urg.

oooh check me out

2009-11-10T03:05:00.003-06:00

[what could i want]
to say maybe to just say
i live in florence
ive kissed an accent
im willing to tackle puzzles
ive been to rome
ive touched a saint
ive eaten food that costs more than a hundred dollars
ive painted in blood
i can walk to a church, i have walked to a church
i can break this with one hand
im never late
im always waiting
[the last one is true already]

time doesnt tick by me, it crashes
nothing makes me blink, only shudder
there isnt room left, except for the ashes
there wont be me, but there will be another

all the things there are to have faith in to say i want to do to dream about and fall all over how can they be achieved when to me they arent real goals but simple poetry and pretty words? can i bring them to the physical? dominate my never land and say this is real, this ticket is paid in cash, my plane is leaving this gate, why am i standing still... move girl move.

something will trigger. i pray im a sleeper cell.

sleep time. whether i choose to fight or not.

animalistic and the previous thought

2009-11-09T12:54:00.004-06:00

im pretty sure i paced all morning. i dont remember the time but im sure it was early. laying down hurt. trying to get comfortable was annoying and i didnt want to sleep.

stubborn me drifted off anyway.

dream.

in someones backyard. its pretty big. rolling. very grassy and nice smelling. the house stands to the right of me, and a group of people to the left and milling. there is a weird metal pipe structure in the center of the yard. nothing functional, just there. some people are working on the house or renovations are in progress. something. at the very end of the yard i hear water so i walk to it. a small river whooshes there, but i see the other side isnt a bank but a white blue wall. i look up. huh. were in a seemingly gigantic box. this doesnt bother me much i look at the water again. the moss growing up on the plaster wall and the tiny snails embedded there. i walk back to the group. some people reach and grab my hands, and as i curl fingers i hear a crashing. looking up at the house i see a woman rolling on the roof, towards the edge. last second she grabs the gutter and half of the whole house comes down. she starts laughing. i look over to the right handed corner of the yard and now there are huge plastic dinosaurs standing there. i walk to them but im pulled back by tugging hands and words i dont quite hear. so now in the center of the yard im wearing a human sweater. arms are here and there, i dont know who is touching and holding me. but its comforting. and i stand there. eventually they lt go. and now im alone in the yard. i walk to the house and look inside one of the dusty windows. a dog is dead on the floor in the center of the room. his insides are pushed out (alot of viscera in the dreams as of late. hrmph) and in the blood and mush i see something glint in the sun. the window is locked and curiosity burns. then its like the dog takes a shuddering terrible breath and im going to throw up and then im awake and its god awful early for this coma girl.

i dont want innards in my dreams anymore. sigh.

its almost time to start in on the ideas i have sketched out in actual paint and canvas. thomas has some great things planned too. updates soon.
then theres this: http://downtownsanantonio.org/main/events/u11
ARTS AND EATS ARTS AND EATS ARTS AND EATS ARTS AND EATS weeee.
so many things to plan and get on. im exhausted.

need to quit smoking but dont want to.

ive heard the word sodomy about 3 times in the last hours. huh.

mom leaves to the Philippines this weekend. let operation babysit dad and keep him from falling out the tree house and be eaten by cats begin. should be fun.
ive always wanted to drive to floresville every other day. why would they move out there?!

time to go to work. hello this is stephanie, no i dont want to do that, ew sir please, thats it, operator taking down your number to hunt you down and kick you in the taint.

enough.

early morning

2009-11-09T04:45:00.004-06:00

i havent been to bed. be worried. i am.
sssseveral days to go before relaxing.

i knew i shouldnt have brought philosophy books to work with the weather like this. perfect existential mess. is what i am. you see.

and all i can think about is fire, cell phones, boys, and paint.

all in various stages of oh my god.

twitchy. and i still want coffee. insecure. im so weird in general. misshapen and odd and clumsy. still i walk chin up. wondering deeeeeeply why i bother. then i catch someone and smile and they smile back and im sure im quite a charmer and then my brain turns fourteen and its to sex and foul thought.

all this is an instant.

walking through the desert with gold bars, you wouldnt even trade them for a sip of water. and its your own fault.

i think i may be sleep blogging. if i wake up and this isnt here then ill be sad. im enjoying this.

why do boys fart in their sleep. i cant find something like that endearing. i tried.

tomorrow is another chance. for what who knows. but im sure its not going to be fun or easy, just satisfying afterward.

will i be sore?

hope not.

getting darker

2009-11-07T13:40:00.004-06:00

what the hell is up with my dreams lately? theyve been kind of...

so last nights dream right?

right.

im taking my grandmother somewhere. she has to find this bank somewhere in the city so were going. the whole thing is off, im supposed to be driving, but instead we are running next to each other. but we still act like we are in a car. i even have a piece of paper with a gas gauge drawn on it that is moving i swear. huh. so were on highways and were running all around us people are running too, but driving really. understand? yea dont worry. as we run i look around and swear i see a body on the ground but i keep on with my grandmother. then we run up on a group, a very large group cluttering the road ahead and huddled around something. this time i know its a body and its a man. hes splayed out on the high way, basically, squished. we try to move to the right and i almost step in his brains which are everywhere. a man is kneeling over him rubbing his body and moving him to his side. im confused by that. the man flails the dead squished man, and now they are both bloody. i grab my grandmas hand and drag her away. there is a type of exit ramp nearby that feeds into a large building and i gladly follow it. the ramp leads to a type of balcony on top of the building and i look down and watch the blood trail from people who have stepped in bloodied man and made hasty retreat. im a little sick. there are strange red pipe statues and sculptures littered on the balcony, i push through glass doors and make sure shes still with me. its a business office, people walk around and hardly look at us, we follow stairs down and now were out on the smaller more comfortable streets. from here i run on but not with her, now im with a boy i think i cant tell. were hitting back streets and alley ways, just running. i remember feeling exhausted. the boy and i talk while we sprint, its fun almost. we turn down a small alley and i have a hit of memories that ive lived here before or someone i know lived here. i tell him we have to get out of this alley and we run further down the street. then i realize im not wearing shoes. weird. we run towards an open warehouse but stop at the door. i yell this is the coal miners place we have to leave! the ground is wet and the place stinks like smoke and gas. then an engine starts somewhere, loud and terrifying and we run back to the alley. im still leading this boy and i push into a sad looking blue duplex, i know that this is the only way to get through to the other side. the house is near empty, there is a curtain in the corner hanging and hiding what i think is a small bed. i tell the boy this used to be nicer. there used to be things here and i walk on to the back screen door and open it. there is a family there on the porch, alot of little girls and a mom and dad and i say excuse me as i try to slip by. the little girls are laughing and grabbing at my hands and as i walk by the last one she kisses me on the cheek. the mom starts to laugh. now were in the next part of the duplex. its a little nicer than the last one. carpet, furniture and tons of animals. strange colored cats, dogs with paint crusted on their fur, and i think i saw a monkey.... weird we work our way to the back porch but when we open the screen a woman stands there with a scarf over her head at the edge of where the porch drops off about 50 feet. she says oh its you again, do you remember me? you used to come around all the time. i sell blow up mattresses, i sell chanel. you want? im tired now i just want to get out. so i jump. after landing in some bushes and making sure nothing is broken i stand up and now im face to face with the boy following me for the first time. (i recognized him instantly, kinda knew it was you.) i tell him to come on and were running again. this time the dream fuzzes out. and im waking up to 25 tweets (damn you neil and amanda) and jose telling me hes off to work.

i woke up EXHAUSTED.

like DEAD tired. all that running. it was fun to pretend. me the smoker could never do that in real life. maybe i should quit and try. it was quite awesome.

right now im watching a show about prison on discovery. its not very comforting. in fact im sitting here with mingled rage and disgust. ill never understand what makes people so damn violent. so fucked up. look whos talking but i would never hurt another person. ever. not like that. im gonna change it to the food channel....

thats better....

i am in love

2009-11-07T03:08:00.003-06:00

with all that this is. is there hope? is there wonder? yes im sure. im positive. im enlightened. i pure and full.

its all that there is, hope and freedom.

its you and me. its this and that. its love. thats what it is. love.

has to be.

right?

lingerie and children in caves

2009-11-06T15:55:00.003-06:00

i wish i had cigarettes.
kix will have to do.

finally its the day off weee. still im thinking about going to work. whatever. last night was alot of tru tv and thinking. it was actually pretty rough. i fell into the old thoughts and tried to make up for them with books and a few beers but instead i felt storms. so i went to sleep. and it worked. sort of.

dream. in no certain terms.

im on this sort of island. its not mossy or tropical. it seems to be in the middle of a swamp or something. the island itself is a land mass but more of a huge old old house almost growing out of the water. its like a castle with courtyards and bricks and winding staircases. built like a monastery. pretty neat architecture. im sitting with a group of girls on the outer wall looking at the water. we're waiting for orders or something like that, some of them are wearing masks, some are putting on makeup, all of them are pretty and small. i fidget. a man comes in and claps his hands come pick now! he shouts, follow me. we merge with some boys and end up in a room, which somehow looks like the living room i used to have in california. there are thick couches lining the walls and tables too all of these are covered with clothes, with jewelry, makeup, gloves, shoes, etc. we sit in a circle and the man tells us to pick. we start grabbing clothes. everything is beautiful, and shiny and way way too sexy but i find some really gorgeous tops i like. the girl next to me makes a comment about my boobs. i laugh and tell her to shut up its not my fault she was born with a boy body. i turn away and play with the necklaces and makeup. there are men in the room now, waiting for their turn to pick, some of their faces are painted white, and some where jester outfits and others top hats and vests. then it dawns some kind of fashion show, or maybe something else, but now im bored so i go looking for something else to do. im walking under arches and tunnels trying to find someone to talk to, people are rushing around in various stages of undress, prob for the show but i just want to find my friends. a man stops me and says you havent hung yet, you need to get up the stairs, they make you run all the way up then all the way down. press the button now get lost. i remember that word for word, he even had his hand on my chest. my hair is very long. so i start climbing some stairs nearby, they go almost straight up at the most ridiculous angle, crazy stairs! i get to the top and there is a tiny room at the top and a girl sits pushing hair chopsticks into her thighs. i nearly fall down the damn stairs this time. i walk on. i find this little library now, its tiny, and it looks and smells like the libraries from when we were in elementary school. its shaped almost like a circle. i walk and examine. this library is weird. animals scurry on the shelves. the children play with broken computers and pieces of wallpaper. the books are soaking wet for some reason and bloated and dead. there is a fish tank but the water is black. im a little freaked out, suddenly everything is sticky and disgusting i need out. im tripping over shattered plastic and discarded blocks and then i fall down a short bunch of stairs into the basement of the library. everything is blue i look for a sources of the light and find none. there are a few kids down here but i cant see their faces, they are dark for some reason, crouched over something that is protesting in sharp squeals and growling in response to whatever the child is doing to them. i scramble up the stairs and push my way out of the place. now i have fresh air on my face. im strolling almost when i hear a loud crash. i walk over the stones of the castle grounds and find the source of the noise. a wall has fallen, and in the chaos i here boys yelling. little boys. i run over and shake off dust and look down at the hole the huge bricks have made. there are two tunnels that go pretty deep and in each tunnel a small boy. they are scratching and trying to climb with no luck. for some reason i know that they are tv stars and that they witnessed their dad get blown to pieces by a hidden bomb. (swear) i watch them grab pieces of rock and tear them out of the walls. by this time im pretty sure these two got this so i leave. as i walk some of the girls run up to me and start putting necklaces around my neck and pushing earrings through my ears. making new holes and they laugh when their hands come back red. im too tired to feel it, or laugh back. they keep sliding jewelry onto me, pulling at my hair and sticking pins into it, chokers, anklets, headbands, its all so heavy i stop and lay down on the ground. im going to sleep. then i wake up.

and its 3 in the afternoon. yessss. hello grogginess. that you? its been a while.

its been weird right now there is a struggle i will tell you that. im fighting myself but i dont want it to come to what it could. i just wish i could take off my body and skip out for a while. just float and listen. or maybe live inside of a hug for a few days. but no one has time for that and im pretty sure my body is well attached to me.

at least i have a few people around that help when it gets rough. im lucky that way. i should remember that.

sleepy again. maybe ill spend friday in bed.

yep. will do.

the other times

2009-11-02T13:29:00.005-06:00

dream.

most of my dreams are similar. they have a sort of structure that i love really. i always fall in love with the boys in my dreams. always. there are usually car crashes, schools, and water. i usually changed surroundings to be more naturalistic. highways to water falls, swimming pools to dried out river beds. its fun, you know. makes me feel like a tripping mad architect. i haven't written one down in a while. onward.

last night i fell asleep holding onto the happiness of last night. i didnt know i was dreaming which was strange when i woke up in a parking lot. something about the place made me know i was in california. i was happy then, back home, wondering how old i was and what time was it and wait my hair is super long! i always love remembering the first few minutes of discovery the next morning. they are the most vivid and most exciting memories compared to the coming puzzle and play of the rest of the dream. the parking lot was huge. there were three cars. all parked right next to each other. i ran to them hoping family or friends were waiting to pick me up. thinking we could go to the hills where i grew up i could show them all these places! i get the backs of these cars and they are parked right on each other. too close to move in between. every time i blink they change color. i realize someone is sitting in the drivers seat of the car on the far left. i try to get in but the door is locked, actually there were no handles. its a man and i cant see his face. he is heaving with his hands covering his eyes and mouth. i have to get to him. for some reason i know hes mine. i run to the rightmost car and the get in. the cars are full of toys, the most random creepy things ever. as i squeak and crunch my way through the cars im vaguely and sickly aware that the floors of these cars are wet and somewhat soft. a little warm too... hmmm.. i push on through them and their connecting windows im just to the last one almost touching this boy on the shoulder i twitch and im not there any more. now im standing in the middle of a huge park. at this point im ready to accept that im dreaming and a little miffed at metaphors. too much brain workin. i try not to think about it and move on. the park is beautiful and very green. i know im in florida now. throughout the park are glass capsules buried just under the ground, so you can stop and glance in if you wanted. they are sealed tight and they sparkle in the sun like peeking diamonds through the moss and grass. im in awe, i love this place. i start hunting the capsules one by one. sometimes finding people curled in them, sometimes animals and mostly objects. pretty jewelry tangled in bloody barb wire fills one, in another tiny white pills, in another a strange purple dust piled into words i cant read, dead cell phones, shoes filled with glass, etc. im only disturbed when i get to the woman in a tight ball. ive been running for what seems like years, i love it im not tired, just curious and i find her. shes crouched head between her knees hand up pressing on the glass. its like this isnt a display like the others. she wants out. as im thinking it she pounds once and then simply presses her hand back to the glass. i kneel next to her capsule and watch her. shes all hair and skin, naked spare her feet. socks. i must have done that i hate bare feet. i dont feel anything for this woman. so i leave. i find a bench and sit. the boy is there. waiting. he says the cars are here. somewhere. i laugh and say im never leaving. he says then neither am i. im reaching for him again. i just want to see his face then im woken up by various hamster jose phone noises and its over.

it was a very pretty dream. the glass capsules were my favorite thing. they were so fascinating. like if given the chance to spend eternity there my mind would gladly change them to a million degrees and variations as far as contents. it was almost a challenge like my mind wanted to keep me surprised. like i was playing with my subconscious the way i would another breathing thing. it was exhilarating. this time the boy was afterthought. i like that. maybe im breaking my dependency on need and love and attention. i think it could be a hint to get back to the creative things from before. i worked so hard the last few months just to peter out now. what am i thinking? i see my paintings in my friends homes and now i think im ready to start selling and really stepping it up. i like that. the motivation that my dreams give me is powerful. i never expect half the shit i show myself there. the CRAZINESS of the places my mind makes and the interaction with people and things feels like ecstasy. strength.

im pretty sure that while nice words from others feels good now, i can only move if i hear my own voice. is that good? its hard to tell. it feels amazing so i guess i dont care. hah.

im kind of excited for today.

lately

2009-11-01T14:34:00.007-06:00

its been a ride, yes ya'll. its been crazy absolutely nutters. i dont really know what im doing to be honest with you. not sure what direction ive chosen or what i want. its like the kid in the store, you know the retarded one, grabbing candy and stuffing face in obscene and embarrassing ways. me. yep. hi. thats me. theres no line, no track, no lights or candles to guide me just hands thrust out and holding tight on whatever happens to walk in front of me. before i even finished typing that i was troubled by it. reading what i say is always surprising. most times the thoughts dont materialize until they are blinking here in type. who defines themselves in a blog? who works out all the issues that should have been thought of and analyzed at the time while they are alone and smoking and typing? DAYS later? me. hi again. yep me. dreams have been strange lately. ive kissed a boy that i have always wanted to kiss but never have (it felt horrible in the morning), ive taken the bus to india somehow, blown up cars, put babies in cages, set myself on fire. most of the tones in my dreams though are reminders that im in a state of chaos that always precedes madness and eventual harm. im in the state of gray at the beginning of the storm, and if i can say it does that mean i can stop it? i dont know, all i know is that there is a wild and unnerving sense to life lately. like ive lost something. definitely direction, maybe sanity, but hopefully not control. we'll see. but i no longer crave your pity so lets move on ;).

halloween was fun. we went to the biggest gayest club we could find and got lost. it was well worth the wait to get in, mostly because of the company in line and the fact that thomas had rum in a mcdonalds cup. ahhhh just like being eighteen again. sigh. lol. inside was HECTIC with a touch of frenzied charm. calaveras and pinatas made me smile. including the guy that WAS a pinata. he let thomas hit him the handed him candy. swear. fantastic. alot of tits. ALOT of tits. ha. we danced almost the whole night. dirty. lol. but when you go to the bonham its your civic duty as a rat in san antonio to dance like you fuck. and these girls were let me tell you. i on the other hand was very classy. nope im lying i was messy. but it was great fun, the end of the night was everyone wearing everyone elses makeup and stumbling with costumes trailing behind them or in trash cans. it was alot of happy halloween bitches and even more laughing and eventually i know everyone in that club hit a taco cabana cause half of them were at the one by my house. thomas fell out of the car trying to pee and jose fell asleep in the backseat after burping and yelling why aren't we moving while we were going 70 on the highway. i woke up feeling like a paper bag full of dried coyote poo but it was my last hurrah before settling into a productive rest of the holidays season.

i cant wait to get started on something. paints are sitting staring at me. my brains works harder. need concept and a nap.

ehhhhhhhhh. yep.

its nice and its not but its here and its now.

<3

its like this

2009-10-31T01:27:00.003-05:00

tomorrow.

im finally getting back to writing.

be here or be square.

wicked

2009-10-17T03:22:00.003-05:00

from me. to you. with something that may be love.
is there anything better than the vague feeling of warmth? the confusing sense of is this it? the shocking tender touch of yes this is what you are.

i know. ive been feeling lost. i know. ive been this weird thing. this confusing entity. full on her own power. sick on her own strength. kind of. maybe.

in reality im still just stephanie. just this sily girl with delusions and fantasy filling her head. im foggy and stumbling. im lost and falling.

but now i think ive found it. maybe this is what i was trying to get. reaching for. the boy sleeping next to me is waking up to early and touching my face. the home ive found is unraveling around me and making itself my own. i may be ... comfortable. i may be. this.

its been a long time since ive been. me.

and friends come and blink in and out. remind me of the things that were and the things that couldnt be. but im still smiling and welcoming and wanting. it doesnt take away.

i am strong. i am all that i need to be. i am..... drunk ok im drunk.

ha! but i dont care!

give me strength! give me happiness! give me all that i ever could WANT!

GIVE IT TO ME UNIVERSE!

can you?

can you help?

of course you can.

here you go. take this. my eternal trust and faith. i believe this. in this.

yes.

ha.

night.

books, puffy eyes, caffeine, and anxiety in waiting

2009-10-05T13:43:00.004-05:00

equals fantastic (although very early) morning. found a fantastic new book, gods behaving badly, and had good coffee finally. i miss borders, but barnes and noble will do. we must look strange together, him with his star trek sci fi magazines and too sweet caramel macchiato and me with my thick fiction and black americano. i fly through a thousand pages and i am in love with this story! but its time to leave and im sleepy again. (later i catch him on amazon, ordering the book for me, i always ruin surprises.. hee) today im feeling good. ill tell ya its been a long time coming. the roller coaster oh crap this again feeling is never far away but luckily im hitting a high wind this week and im excited and calm and taking full advantage. i hope that lady calls us today and says here are your keys. i NEED to have this apt! its so damn wonderful, steps from broadway super cheap and still absolutely charming. fingers crossed.
ugh work sneaks up so quick.

more later.

meanie

2009-09-30T13:46:00.004-05:00

woke up at 4 last night (yes i was actually sleeping) and walked into the kitchen and into a shouting match i wasn't prepared for. my gem of a roommate, a classy baby factory of a girl decided she's had enough! goodness did i move her sodas in the fridge over an inch? did i really put the clean dishes away wrong??? how dare i? honestly we've been at each others throats for a while but i have always just thought let her be stephanie she's an idiot a cunt a brash child and she doesn't know any better but now i'm a little pissed off. she yells at me for moving her shampoo out of MY shower caddy to make room for MY stuff, she stomps and pouts when i finally do laundry for the week and she of course decides that's exactly when she should too, she cries and screams to her boyfriend and they fight because i'm going out during the weekend and they're taking care of unplanned newborn spawn. and you know i have a door and a com and cable and a car so its easy to blow this off but lately shes been taking chances. throwing out phrases like you dont have the right to do this, you dont understand what its like to have nice things etc etc. i really think she thinks i WON'T punch her in the face. oof. silly girl, you cannot be this cruel and stupid and not be punished. i'm sorry. and yes i'm searching the streets for duplexes and new rooms, and i'm getting the fuck out of here, sure, but how is it this angry for nothing ignorant little thing can exist? in the easiest life too. pop out a baby and snag a dumb guy and you can just lay back and shit your life away. she should teach a class on it. hrmph. i just can't sneak around my house avoiding her like this. it makes me feel like a wuss, when in reality im a touch meek and mostly too gentle to really fight.

its conflicting.

but then i pause and its like-

she angers me but i'm still better off. i always think about it. i'm not tethered and my boyfriend doesn't secretly hate me, i love to share my groceries and you can put your clothes in with mine sure, i laugh when you spill something and help you clean it, and i will never tell you what your rights are, as a person i know you are one too, i am in no way rich but i'll give you money for gas and take you to eat, i love others, but you really have to be the right type of other.

can you imagine me on craigslist?

wanted: good people. to live with, to go out with, to read books with, to have coffee with, to dance with, and to scrabble with. <3

see. i'm sure it would work. and i'm sure ya'll are out there. and now, i feel better.

well

2009-09-26T12:32:00.002-05:00

happy birthday to me. :)

seattle weather

2009-09-24T13:55:00.005-05:00

has surprised us all here in san antonio. its actually cold. rainy. wonderful. ha, our weathermen try to prepare us, they say dont get used to it, the familiar terrible heat comes back next week etc, but for now its sweaters and tea and books on the porch and the ac sits silent.
lovely.
had a dream last night but cant grab details. one of those things where if i start to write ill lose it almost immediately. all i remember is that there was a huge bar (almost shaped like the bonham, but how you you know what that was) it was two stories and it was packed. me and friends and my people from work were lost in this crowd and i had to find all of them one by one to deliver little messages. there were people in clothes that had christmas lights in them, some were holding fish (yes they were dead), and come were playing video games that lined the entrance wall. it was dizzying, there were so many people and all of them were being drunk and strange.
oh well better luck describing the next one lady. haha.
a friend of mine seems to have fallen in love with someone. its tricky and terrifying, but to her its more floaty and addicting. all new love is. if they could bottle that butterfly storm in your stomach i ache when you arent here i cant wait take me now now now feeling im sure everyone would buy it. just stay home and trip on it. anyway. so she meets this girl now in life and falls. there are catches of course, snags in the mature life she already has trailing behind her. things you cant just walk away from. but she thinks wait knows that this woman is what she wants. when she told me i was drunk, so of course i was all about taking it. real life and consequences disappear when you drink, everything is simply romantic and you can do anything and youre not scared anymore. (probably why me and the guys have such moving convos) but anyway. i told her that if this is what she wants then thats all that matters, throw the blinders on - take whats hers!! conquer! ha. its juts now im wondering if that was a good idea. is that the adult in me? im 24 this sat and maybe i shouldnt be so careless with my advice. :/ but thats not like me, i always have a moulin rouge sense of mind. im so confused. but all i could think the next day was about what she has now. her family, her life. and what if this is lust, but what if it IS love and now i just dont know. i dont like doubt. it tastes bad, especially when it comes to something so important in life. i need time to think on this. hrm.
work beckons. i should go.

dear san antonio weather, right now i love you. but only for your rain and breeze. when the heat comes back ill be thinking of other cities everytime you touch me.
-stephanie

waking up with a wine hangover

2009-09-23T12:29:00.003-05:00

and its been two months. hm.

my head is pounding and my mouth is too dry, on the phone my mom asks why are you talking like that.

ive been running all over the city and out of it lately. to the country to climb into a crazy awesome tree house crawling with cats, to higher up to austin to go to veggie heaven and get lost on 6th, and here finally. to hunt like a madwoman for an apt, peace of mind, and sushi. and what do you know, success!

its been a weird while, blog.

for a minute there i kind of floated. almost resigned. eh but theres no time for that. instead i got a new job, put gas into my car and never stopped moving. heres me, exhausted.

but really. my dad built one HELL of a tree house. his spirit moves me. hm.

(i seem sad in my last blogs) working on that.

for now! coffee. and a book outside. texas weather is gorgeous today. we can catch up later. yes?

i get

2009-07-18T04:27:00.002-05:00

so jealous.

its like girls today are these tiny things, these beautiful things. they surpass everything that i am.

it hurts

just a little.

when i hear the boys i know talking about them. how wonderful and hot they are. i feel terrible.

im this curved not quite perfect thing.

im flawed?

i dont know anymore.

sigh.

just give it to me

2009-07-13T02:26:00.003-05:00

because i'm so tired of waiting. and fighting. and working. its like i've been working my whole life. at everything. struggling with my own brain, with the people around me, with all these puzzles and obstacles and yet i've come 2 feet and fallen 12.
seriously.
im ready to lay down and beg. maybe. thats an extreme point to reach. but im almost there.
i mean.
i find these little moments in my life. these little tiny sparklers of intense good and warmth. they come in and out. one minute im destroyed or destroying, and then poof, hello this feels nice im smiling what is this, then poof again and oh this again.
i. repeat. too. much.

and this blog is already old news.
sigh.

i need rescue.

plural? hardly.

2009-06-30T03:30:00.003-05:00

well my week here is over. tomorrow i get on a bus and settle in for 23 hours of good old fashioned boredom and as much sightseeing as you can do from a moving window.
san antonio waits for me. a little miffed i just ran off like that. she'll forgive me.
i dont know how excited i can be about this.
oh well.

its so late. ive made the complete transition to night animal. score. it always happens by accident and im not always ready for the return trip to working walking talking human. chain smoking and creeping on the internet has become a staple. coffee and infomercials. old friends.

i finally discovered twitter. been cheatin. ha.

sometimes when people hook up you know its magic and you wish it could be you.
bullet system. hello old fried.

lately ive had alot of mixed feelings. mostly jealousy and boredom. ive been working hard, painting and planning, but i still dont know if this is what i want or if im just passing time.

well.

im sure it will all work out. right now my brain is scoffing, but im determined.

time to rest. goodbye atlanta. i must resume my roles tomorrow.

2009-06-29T04:04:00.001-05:00

Something about nighttime makes me itch. Too much to plan and no structure doesn't help.

2009-06-28T04:31:00.001-05:00

Its too much to sleep.

2009-06-28T01:38:00.002-05:00

Wait. This is all very confusing. I wish i could understand tone and context better. Sigh.

today

2009-06-27T20:10:00.001-05:00

i went to the georgia aquarium in atlanta! it was really amazing. the animals were breathtaking. there was tons of salt and freshwater displays. even otters. my head could explode. it was massive. like 8 million gallons of water and and incredible color changing ceiling in the main entrance. sure kids and people were absolutely everywhere, but i couldnt take my eyes off the creatures in these wonderful roof tanks and open sandbar, it was enough to ignore that i got kicked in the shin twice and nearly tripped when a woman with a camera bigger then my head bumped me. i mean they had these huge i mean huge majestic whale sharks that they had literally just received and they were massive. they were part of this cool water tunnel and we watched them float by over our heads with hammerhead sharks and bright little fearless fish that schooled around the beasts like colorful wisps of smoke. they had these beautiful beluga whales too, and you could swear these guys knew they were being watched, they were so graceful and charming. the otters were the best part. the smaller ones were sleeping in an adorable pile and the larger one was playing with bright toys and really showboating. i laughed hard when me and this little girl next to me made the same oh my god thats too cute noise at the same time. i dont know it felt like i was a kid again. the whole place was incredible. here are some highlights:

afterwards we got some great shots of the surrounding downtown atlanta. i gotta say the city is big. i mean we have some nice skyscrapers in san antonio but my goodness, this city is full of landmarks and the most intricate architecture. the cnn, coca cola, home depot and ups home bases are here. our amazing cab driver, kofi, who is form ghana, drove us around and showed us what was where, good places to eat, where not to go without a knife and life insurance, and he told us about his intensely hard working life. oh we went to the olympic park and saw the torches, drove by every stadium and i marveled at just how GREEN everything. the highways were lined with trees, much like florida, with vines that wrapped the trees and almost made them seem like statues. i swear i saw an elephant and a bird perched on a huge arm chair. heh. it was exhausting and fun. more highlights: