burfday love and simple worries

yesterday was tons of work and the easiest smiles i ever had.
at work people acknowledge, walking by and the hours are craaaaawling. finally im out of the store, into the car, hurry get ready, out of the apartment and into the waving laughing slightly buzzing voices of my friends and family. it was kind of funny but sweet. my mom was actually laughing and dawnelle bought me roses and i nearly fell over when i saw my dad and my older brother sitting at the bar of the restaurant talking. jason buys me a shot. i havent even eaten yet. here we go. dinner was trouble with breadsticks and wine and warm warm warm feelings. i love these people, here they are, watching me blush and twitch while the stupid waiters sing to me, a 23 year old lump of embarrassment. money in cards and a small frozen cake. geez. the shots kicking now, and im ready to leave. the older folks kiss me goodbye and us kids head to the bar. girl in a coma and girls from work and lonestar. the sexually mixed crowd and cockroaches on the patio. im in heaven i tell you. homework and stress leave me, even though im reminded when i see people from class and they cock their heads. drunk now dawnelle retrieves me from outside and we run in, shes telling me i hope they play my favorite song, and im just trying to keep up, light headed and smiling. when said song starts she puts her arm around me and this girl who ive known forever yells and this is my real present. this flutter, this exciting moment, she sings and i sway. behind me my brother laughs with his friends and its like i know everyone here. we swim through people and buy shirts and then its back outside for air.
i think im breathing.
what a day yesterday was.
it was probably the best day of 2008.
sigh.

were moving out of the apartment. all of our stuff is in piles or in boxes or in plastic containers and trash bags. im moving in with samantha. i think. she has two kids and a small room for me. i cant take anything. theres no space and im not on the lease. this is going to be hard. i just want my own place. i want to come home and talk to my cats and smoke on my balcony and sleep. alone. this has been festering for a while. and when tom asks me whats going to happen to us i know the answer, but i cant get it out. it hurts. this. i just need to buck up and get this fucking going. i keep talking about transition but im fucking horrible. tired/lazy and way too invested in this monotonous simple way.
ugh.
inspiration?

are you there?

i thought so.


time for sleep.

passenger

in cars there is no sense of when.
this is how i see it.
in cars, all the nice parts of being strange happen.
tonight, as all my stories start, tonight as usual im in a car.
tonight though, tonight im drunk.
i have already given up on friends and the hope of going to a milling breathing place.
my fingers reach and the wind meets them, my arm creates a curve and i wonder what time it is. theres something safe about a huge heavy metal and leather and plastic capsule that flies down a street or takes a turn too fast and my body its just tenses and im leaning. into. a pause.
the air, stale and stuck as inertia and vibration and pull take over, if only for those few seconds.
lovely.
out the window are smears of color and resistance and sleeping individuals.
theres something in this movement. in the thought that in another moment i wont be where i was before.
im so restless.
work in the morning and me with this heavy head and eyelids to match.
i think of the day that preceded.
getting paid and having nothing to show for it, looking into unfamiliar eyes and wanting to say everything, wanting wanting wanting.
it might have been uncomfortable, i might have been a little catty and cynical.
but then the warmth.
[soft]
i have to say, this is turning out perfect. the goals and the planning. perfect.
i usually get what i want after all. and im just drunk enough to say it. i usually win. right now im pretty damn happy. rare. i could be in the usual state. but tonight im seeing the progress.
[i see my chance]

the things you want and what you get are never the same, but this time im breaking the rules.


this blog has no structure.
on any other night, i might try to fix it.

but im thinking of rolling air and another cigarettes and the way people look at me and im going to sleep off the ego im wearing and hope i wake up in a more reasonable state.

but it may be too late.

im done playing.

simplified [a manic kind of blog]

right.

theres nothing easy here.


today was a hot mess.
almost hilarious.
i don't think i've ever been so angry before today. ready to slash throats and using the words of a good friend chew broken glass.
i let myself be talked out of things today.
today was me the walking talking stephanie balloon.
wipe your feet here please.
coward.
theres something stale and ugly about this city right now. driving on the highway and all i smell is gas and all i feel is my heart giving. struggling. burning.
theres something.
thats for sure.
me, here in my new found state of transition and im pussying out.
i call my friends and its the tone of yea hold on guys its my friend who cant get her shit together.
awesome.
today i woke up and the day was already ruined.
the all singing all dancing crap of san antonio was already waiting in the bathroom mirror ready and willing. underhanded and laughing, pointing and gesturing. and im putting on my makeup and trying not to shake.
today i missed an opportunity.
but who needs an art guild when i have this person waiting to guilt trip me and take me home to cry. but now theres no time, my day is speeding up, and im in a state of unaware. something shifts and my stomach twists.
here's me, waiting in the emergency room now listening to children scream and watching him sulk and flashbacks are coming in waves and that woman just threw up all over and suddenly i'm done. finished. topped off.
[when did we even get to the hospital?]
now i'm walking out and waiting in the dark for the shelter of soggy hurricane warning air mingling with the smoke and policemen are running by and have i seen a person in a gown with bandages up their arms? you should really go back inside ma'am. but now i'm in a car and now in waiting in a restaurant and the waitress is falling all over herself and i'm not eating anyway.
forget it sweetie, see this face? done.
empowerment is taken in doses far and few. but now heres me, your disabled friend, your weight on your ankles, your hopeless cause, asking the sleepy eyed barista could you please change this drink it tastes like shit.
and she blinks once, twice, three times and tells me ok. fucking starbucks.
with unfamiliar reserve i'm walking by tables. laughter and iphones. laptops and the smell of green tea shampoo.
the new company i'm with now, he smiles as he texts and in my head i'm screaming talk talk talk talk to me goddamnit.
then my coffee scorches.
then the lighter and cigarettes click and glow and im ok.
i think, maybe i'm just a crybaby, maybe i demand too much from those around me.
[you're exhausting them silly girl, it's too much]
maybe.
right now i don't care though.
this is me, done.


for the first time tonight i'm smiling. and typing and looking forward.

maybe the idea to do something finally has won, and i'm not approaching it as a silly notion.

i like the maybes, i like the bottom, and something in the wind tonight helped me believe all is not lost. like the salvaging was the learning part.

hmm. a nice thought. in an out.


in random news-
-i almost ran face first into the boy i thought for sure i'd never see again at work. i has almost forgotten we were even on the same planet. for some reason he said hey and i said ok then i ran to cafe to hyperventilate.
-my best friend might be preggers soon.
-my parents are wonderful.
-i miss joey.


time to sleep.

today

i saw what i thought was a 60 year old woman and her young dashing son.

it wasn't until her hands were between his legs and her tongue was on his neck that my vision gave out and i began to question the structure and integrity of humanity.


[spots in my dying eyes and me trying not to give in to hysterics. these strange moments. i live for them.]

exchange

i'm melting.

dying maybe.




sometimes i sit up in the middle of the night and plan out all the ways im going to change my life. i say, stephanie this is it. and then i go back to sleep. in the morning im sore and tough throated from smoking and in my head is fog and pieces of wood, rolling in and out and destroying what was there the night before. i float through my days now. ive taken every chance to be in a fantasy world in my head, where school isnt this challenging and im 18 again. free and unscathed by love and too much drinking and sex was still a novelty. in fantasy stephanie land i never cut my hair, never say maybe ill skip a semester and somehow the bills get paid and i dont screw my best friends ex. my friends dont leave. they dont get tired. my arm is clean and the skin looks strange all one color. at work i zone. hard. i try not to in class but it happens. im so much happier there. i have opinions and a stronger mind and will there. i dont let things like this happen, this submissive pushover shit. ladies and gentlemen i think i might be losing grip, slipping. going batshit as they say. or maybe im just panicking. this is hard, this transitional period im in. ive never taken such steps. maybe ive never wanted to before, but while the prospects in front of me are looking very nice indeed the other prospect of change is frightening. chaos and angst are easy for me. old friends. this, well this is nausea and fast heartbeats.
what now.


ive been immersing myself in school work. studying like its going out of style. my voice wavers when i answer questions in class, but its gotten easier. i have a new kind of confidence when i know just what to say. ive also been planning to move out on my own. i think the isolation helps me. me and my two cats, were gonna head out. i just want a twin size bed and alot of space, covers and ambient noise. people are stressing me out. ive cried too much in the last two days to change my mind now. but who knows, im also a coward. needy. attention starved. a walking contradiction.
what now.


this place. god this place. im sick to my stomach, i dont have my legs under me. my feet. my assertion.
what now.


just go with it stephanie.
this is it stephanie.

try not to forget in the morning.

compulsion

lately i'm the walking dead.
exhausted.
[constantly moving]

my nails are chipping and peeling. they must not like my fingers. hm.

a movie has invaded my head like a disease. creating some obsession i'm sure i've seen before. a touch scary. not all together unpleasant.

going back to school is like learning to swim all over again after a paralyzing event has made you forget you had legs. the kids in my class are dyed and inked and tough and bold. and im the meek girl with clothes that still have thrift tags that always chooses the corner seat. shuffling.
tuition- 500
art supplies- 150
gas-3,000
that feeling of so this was that awkward dance i hated on the first day of school - priceless


bah.
i think...
i'm waking up now.
i feel slightly brighter.
maybe this chance wont be for nothing. i'm sure i'll have the strength to leave and press restart.
this has to be the turning point they all talk about. the moment.

his voice, his eyes, an act in a story recorded and sold. and me buying copies with money i dont have, watching again and again as he tells her to live, tells her what she knew she should have done all along.
such simple messages, wrapped in velvet and hidden.
[you're looking back..... downfall]


hmm.

what should i do now?

im horrible with decisions.


god i've missed blogging.

unfamiliar

it's been too long blogger.
what have you been up to without me?


i've become caught up.
whirlwind conditions and me with stuff to actually do and say.
[what?]
yes, me. productive.
a strange and rare thing.

dreams lately have been strange. yes the old faces. yes the walking and the colored glass, the fighting and the mossy tunnels. my father taunting an alligator with his leg and me wandering into mexico in the shape of an old library and carrying an old woman to safety. in one i stay in a tiny dorm with walls plastered with punk posters. in another im helping a friend get married and secretly spitting in her wedding cake.
metaphors?
i hope not.

otherwise

ive been here. just here. forced to smile at work and seeing my parents faces for the first time in months. im so happy they're back. the morning they got home my dad woke me up, i was still half in a dream and i think i told him to duck. the next thing i knew he was laughing and i was hugging him. he asked me how the cats got so fat and where were the keys to his truck? at work i meet little quirky girls with red hair and cynical stylings. they joke and push and play and make lattes. i think i finally found a job i might like to keep. i pin my hair and line my eyes, i brush up on my reading and i buy school supplies. new money. hard to ignore.
lovely.
but i still feel the creeping stagnant air of what was. im isolated from the familiar. i havent seen or talked to dawnelle in weeks. i saw jon the other day and i wanted to claw at him and ask him why i dont even know how hes doing anymore? im stuck with a strange roommate and tom, who just seems to lose more of his art everyday. im starving. hungry with the ache of the known. i want and want and want. sate me. somebody. im too needy and simple for my own good.
in this city, its easy to become something fluid and noncommittal.
what happened to the soft warmth and cool breezes.
lost maybe.
ive memorized the route from here to the quarry but the old roads and passages seem new and ugly.
stones for grass and crass for class.
the old way.
school starts soon and i hope im ready. maybe this time i wont fuck up and abandon. maybe this time ill have more than two words for everyone and maybe just maybe ill answer calls and take the time.
im just tired. this year has to be for something.
if anything maybe ill actually come out in the black and leave the red, sanguine or debt wise, behind.

who knows.

im usually all talk no walk.
stephanie. supreme queen of the disappoint move.
master of the slip and fall.
martyr for the lazy and unmotivated.

well see.

but i might be gone for a while.

working, schooling, and other wise trying not to kill all things fuzzy and drooling.

i didnt mean for that to rhyme. im not cute in purposeful ways.

see you soon blogger.

you were always more of a best friend than most.

furniture

right now lost pieces of my furniture are in the homes of two people that make me want to kick babies.
goodbye couch.
[you were my favorite]
goodbye love seat and pretty green rug.
[love seat. dry amount of hilarity there.]
goodbye dresser.
[guess you got tired of all the shit i put in you]


its a strange thing.
that we keep objects of other people.

last night

was a bemusing case of straw+camel.



the other night i had alot of dreams. one after the other after the other. in one of them i was supposed to be watching a baby, i don't even know who's it was or if it was mine. i put it outside in a doghouse. it was really cod. sometimes later i remembered i had put it there and me and a man ran out to check on it. it was dead. we cut it up and killed some kittens and buried the pieces in the backyard. i was terrified, they were going to catch me, i needed to dig deeper and scatter the parts of the child that i forgot. i piled flowers and soil and tried to make it look nice. that was the end of that dream. the next one was me and a woman and we were in love i think. all i know is that right before we were going to kiss the alarm went off. maybe its a sign. or maybe i just like girls. i dont know.

i hate being alone in other peoples houses.

oh an shake shake shake shake ah shake it.

the ass arrived, beautiful and most brave

i've always thought i was right.
its never been, what if i'm wrong, what if this isn't the thing to do, the thing to say, the moment to take a hand, push a friend, yell expletives at a child or skip a class.
i've never thought anything i did was wrong.
something in me makes me horrible. something in me makes me lie to your face and call you out on everything. i leave, in a rush of smoke and mirrors and hatred and i don't come back when you beg and i don't care when you cry. don't you remember? i do. i remember boys crumpled in my closet and my best friend spitting in my face. and me apologizing and apologizing. usually on the inside your still wrong and i'm still standing five feet up, in the clouds and the wonderful delusion of it all. inside its ok because none of this nonsense means anything to me. but i think i stumbled. maybe it was three years ago i stumbled. maybe it was that day. when i picked up that boy in the closet and really tried to make things better with the girl. betrayal! a change in the systematic chaos that was me then. the long haired girl who stood outside in the cold and threw cig butts on the mustang in front of her apt and walked down military brave and stupid and free. that place in my life. it did something to me. i wish i had never lived there, never answered those phone calls and never fucked that guy. too late.
ugh tonight is an ugly night. full on quivering breath and two books i can't even sit and read properly. anxiety from every corner. words and fists and dizziness and me just wanting a blue pill so i can sleep. i can't find myself. im going to be 23 and i can't feel where my feet are, or even if they're under me. i'm selfish and i try to hard to be liked. i fidget in public and go out in dirty clothes. every person i see i imagine getting close to them to see if i can find the on/off button. imagine taking them apart and stroking hair and lying in the dark and touching touching touching. what you have isn't always what you want is it? or is that the greed and the silky voice of temptation those wacky christians always go on about? fuck. i don't know. satisfaction. a word a want a fallacy. a stupid thing to try and achieve seamlessly if you ask me. at least for the strong minded but weak willed. when you want to say yes but can't for fear of a straight line instead of a jagged nicotine laced line of the usual.
maybe it's change.
or completing a sentence with thank you.
[theres a sickness here to be referred to]
something to remember, a warning paragraph at the beginning.
we were in the car today, me and my married couple friends. we were driving and i was in the backseat watching them. i found myself thinking how much i loved these two people and how much i needed to get away from them. i was in the backseat. melting. jealous. she would touch his hair and tilt her head in his direction. he would look at her at the red lights and smile when she got mad. together they glowed brighter than the texas sun. gave off more heat that the pavement. we drove on. stopping to eat. to buy clothes and shoes and walk. together we participated in the ruining of stephanie. today they created something of a monster. and heres me. said monster. typing in the dark at another persons house. away from the person i thought i loved. i think i love. but if it was something substantial why are we always doing this? why am i still seething after 3 hours. why was i so set on hurting him before i left, getting the proverbial last laugh. shrinks shake their heads here, a thousand pens tapping white pads and saying couples have to fight its healthy you're healthy and you have to be in love to be happy. alone against them i'm tired and leaning. ready with the white flag by my side. waiting for the one time where lying down beats pride. i shouldn't be comparing. i shouldn't be holding up crystal to cheap glass. i should know better. but its so easy. too easy. and its costing me. im too busy daydreaming and forgetting that the man asleep in the apartment ive abandoned for the night is the same man who saved me from the hell i was in 2 years ago. the same man that drove around town at 2 in the morning looking for my little brother whenever my step mom called him hysterical. the one who wasn't afraid to hold me at the same little brothers funeral and cry harder than me and just hold me while the useless small man i was with sat next to me at arms length and looked lost. hes an artist. a soul. and while i lash and rage and shake he waits. patiently. pressure here. something like laying in a street and waiting. something like a push you weren't expecting. a spark? why do i only love him when i write or talk? why cant i touch him when hes right there?
[the sickness, something in me makes me horrible]
the nyQuil is kicking. wont be long now.
punctuation abandoned i try to pull from the back of my head.
i play song i know make me cry.
i see the nail polish and i want to chew it off.
my head is pulsating.
and matt's mom said i could have her shoes.

what an image.
theres no structure to any of this.


please please please please

change me.

7 am

is when i have to be at work.
what the shit?


urrrg.


i miss my parents.
im so tired.
im going to dye my hair and paint my nails and try to play girl.
happiness by goldfrapp is my favorite song right now.
i need a computer.
people asking me about my scars make me crazy.
when they tip i dont mind so much.

time to go.

2 blog night

i'm listening.





[time stops still when you've lost life]



heres the thing. yea? i want it. all of it. you and you and you.
[wheres the fun in this chase]
[what happened to the color, the richness, the depth]
where am i compared.
my cigarette burns down but has nothing to say.
im talking to an empty room.
sometimes i can be so fucking boring.
tonight is tonight and its only proving all my points from before.
all those lost conversations.
all the times i couldn't stop laughing.
[couldn't stop smiling]
all the times that's passed since then.
i cant get the pitch out of my head, cant get the look on the faces out of my mind.
cant handle my own thoughts, they're so hard to steer.
i remember.
walks, and pushing, and eating and there was something in the way we spoke.
[i kept the innuendos but lost the people]
something hidden and waiting in the jokes and the pauses and the teasing.
now its red and blue lights.
a faint taste of vodka soaked sarcasm.
[so you remember our songs our shifty dance and the left feet]
smoky eyes and tears welling.
screams and walls and distance, too far.
time. ticking.
bombs. finally going off.
embarrassing flashing bright unsteady realization.
of just how wrong i was.
[wool over eyes, finger to temple]
bang.
here on the floor a girl could get too comfortable.
she can't lift her head to see.


maybe its time for sleep.

shots fired

something like copper and smoke, i can't wash the taste out.
storms overhead.
duck.

i never was quick enough.

this week starts with me crying. at the keys. bawling.
getting up early and drinking too much coffee.
some kind of requirement. i don't know.
here's me with a sour stomach and a lingering afterthought for the more recent books i've read.
porn stars and manifestos.
feels right i suppose.
being here.
confused and mixed up and wanting to hear you say those words to my face.
i think i've had a crash today.
something of a breakdown.
watching the news and seeing the filth of present tense.
cnn. you make me hurt.
lucifer. you shit all over the carpet. i hate you.
Tmobile. your such and asshole. i want to talk to my parents.


i dont know what to say to describe how much of an asshole i feel like.

miserable and poor with words.


i have to stop dreaming about them.
[yes them]
about rollercoasters and gunshot wounds and knocks at the door.
stopitstopitstopitstopit.


too late. cancer time.

hidden [infringement]

i've been away.
soon though. just hold on gentle readers.



i start work tomorrow.
coffee and books and me with a sleepy grin.

yes.


i miss you.

did you know at borders they let you loan out books for up to two weeks if you're an employee? then they sneak them back on the shelf and sell them as new.
when you buy a book from borders from now on, think.
maybe our fingers and eyes have been to the same pages and places.
invasion.
little skin cells and particles of me hidden in your homes and shelves.
hello.

we will be moving very soon.
i will be in school very soon.
and all this will pay out gracefully and uninterrupted.



see you soon.

cheers.

fiasco [a simple story about a girl and her parents pets]

i tried to do something nice today and instead i was pulled into a bad british comedy.
geez.
so.
i go outside to give my dad's rabbit some water. he looked depressed so i figured ill put him on his leash and let him run around a bit. i stow the dog in the garage and give the rabbit some run time. hours later i go out to switch and realize oh fuck the rabbits not on the leash anymore. i spot him in the corner of the yard and start after him. all of a sudden the dog runs up after breaking out of the garage. bastard! so now its a race to the poor scared black and white thing near the fence. and the dog is motivated let me tell you. luckily just as we get there i grab the rabbits little harness and practically swing him over my head and into my arms where it thanks me with kicks to the face and chest. the dog is going apeshit. gimme the bunny stephanie gimme the bunny. i finally get the bunny to the cage and lock him away safely before turning and letting out a stream of curse words as the dog jumps on my front and smears me with mud from our most recent rain. the whole time the next door neighbor is out on her back porch smoking her light cigarette and laughing laughing laughing.

Hoo-Ray for me, girl wonder, rescuer of rabbits and obscenity flinger, ready to put on a show for the most bored of housewives.

some notes:
-yes rabbits can look depressed.
-about the harness thing. my parents thought it was cute to buy the bunny a little red harness which attaches to a leash which attaches to a stake which lets him have his 20 ft by 20ft freedom. it's actually a pretty sweet thing, my parents are adorable sometimes.
-the neighbor actually tried to talk to me while i stood there in my muddy glory, huffing and sweaty and flustered. i just walked inside.
-i still dont know how the dog got out of the garage. hmph.

theres something to be said

about all of this.

about friends and the people we know. the things give away and the things in our homes. its just too much of a thought to touch on for too long. its too complex.

all of this. all of this is temporary. and its funny that i would write it here instead of saying it to someone in front of me. but i cant i guess. its a handicap. plus that person wouldn't get it. at least not what im trying to say. its hard. i get up, i get going, i walk around and say what i have to and nod and sigh and agree. all the while im thinking in terms of numbers and stats. wondering just how long i can keep it up and whether or not the task at hand or the person im with is going to be here in a year or so. ive learned from all the leaving. maybe ive learned from what ive done.
is it worth it to keep playing?
im too simple to be involved, why i even try, ill never know.
my name isnt on the list.
and i havent had a callback in years and years.
i lurk and watch the others. they have so much going on. they have toys and friends and parties and family that are always around and always inviting.
and heres me. on a weekend. holding my phone and wondering why i even own it.
ring ring.
sorry just a bill collector.
meanwhile miles away hes laughing with the people i used to know, or shes going to a restaurant i cant afford.
heres me at home. playing with my cats and wishing i had more books to read.
wishing for something to fill the time before i have to go back to sleep, just to wake up tomorrow and do this all again.
at 23 i feel worn and leathered. i stare at myself for hours in the mirror, and wonder why my face isnt right, why i always cut my hair off or why the bathroom is never clean. at night i sneak back and play dress up and put on makeup, wash it off, line my eyes, laugh at my reflection and miss being young and stupid. those days when i always had some silly person to drag around with me.
i used to be the alpha. people used to want to be around me. did something happen?
did all those instances of me being an ass or being uncaring catch up?
i swear i was just ignorant.
cant you believe ive changed?
i guess the sum isnt high enough and maybe the trailing paper marked with x's is enough to damn me here. great. i left roads behind me bridges behind me burned and collapsing.

and now it may be too late for this weekday friend.
for this strange unnaceptable girl.
full of jealousy and and nicotine and lines and want.
its too bad too. i think maybe ive changed a little.
i think now is probably when i can say im ready.

but time is still ticking and im still standing still and nothing comes to me anymore when i call for it. ouch. headaches instead. seeing every 5 am for the last 3 months instead. existential floods and rages and lashing out at the very hand that keeps me breathing.
i always was one for good choices. haha.

i dont mean to sound so ...

fuck that i do. i think i may be angry.
just a little. i think i may be at that point where its give up and start fresh or try as hard as i can to salvage what i have.
[these ashes, these fake tin voices, these false comforts, these ugly colors]
i could try.
i guess.

but then what would i be after except tired and bruised.

all that apologizing and me without my sincerity.

what happened here? a war?
[casualties of bad intentions]
[medivac for the wounded]

i think maybe its time for me to lay down. sleep wont come, ill be uncomfortable, and the house will be too big. but ill be still, and not near a keyboard. it will be dark and i wont be able to pick at my nails.
maybe the quiet will help me block out the wooshing voices and stop the eternal movie reel in my head.
[i dont want to see the faces anymore tonight, dont want to watch them, dont need to see them]

greed. its all i have now.


awesome.

dream [a long one]

i'm at an amusement park. with alot of people i know. i'm walking with a small group and we're waving and saying hi to the people we pass. we get on a few rides and laugh at how dangerous and terrifying they are. some are water slides with crazy low edges, some are inflatable beds in wind tunnels and no body armor or gear. we even get on one where you to go into a huge glass sphere with water sliding up the edges somehow with small plastic colorful balls swishing back and forth and alligators you have to dodge. i got on this ride, i lived, and it was fun as shit. the park is huge. and we still have yet to see the crown jewel, the ultimate adventure, and they are more than willing to show us. a man in a purple shirt comes up and says everyone is gathering, you should be there. its starting soon, don't want to miss it. oh and some of you won't come back. i must be some kind of death nut because i can't even tell you how excited i am. i drag my friends with me and we head for the other side of the park. when we finally get there we realize this is no ordinary ride. this is going to be a battle. and a bloody one. ill try to describe this the best i can so bear with me. the "game area" is a huge covered arena, underground, with a few slits in the surface level to let sunlight in through. in the arena itself there are staircases and elevators and ramps going across from wall to wall and several varying stories up. only one of these touches the floor, which is covered in dirt, broken appliances, and pieces of animals. my adrenaline goes up. whats going on?
[quick note: my hair is long and black, and i touch it often and shake it more]
so now were being ushered into the "beginner room" as our guide refers to it. he says now. were going to let you out onto those ramps and stairs. and we're going to release our babies. everyone is getting antsy, some of us are ready and we slowly find each other. we have the stone looks of people with dangerous pasts and i feel a strange unfamiliar sense of pride when they come near me. let's do this, yes? the doors open and all of us creep out to the highest ramp. me and my people jump down to about the 3rd from the top. the doors close behind us and the whole room goes back up to the surface, as if on a huge elevator string. this is weird. but it feels good to be jumping and grabbing like ninjas. heh. we hear a strange noise coming from below. some of the others go down to look for the source. me and mine think this stupid and wait. we watch as they creep down down down. and then they start screaming and running. zombies. they re releasing zombies on us. shit. so now we head down. time to kill and avoid and protect. fun fun fun fun. i jump on zombie faces and punch zombie guts, i'm scared, so scared, but i fight and run and jump. i want to live after all. some of these people are my friends and i watch as they get eaten or get torn apart. there are children in here too. what the fuck is going on. a woman grabs me by the wrist and i turn and almost kick her before she puts her hand over my mouth and tells me to shut up. shes tall and she has deep brown hair and for some fucked reason shes wearing a huge wedding dress. dear god this dream keeps getting stranger. she pulls me away and we find a ledge that runs around the edge of the arena and we just watch. zombie mayhem. bedlam and torture.
[here i wake up a little. tom tells me hes going to work]
when i fall back into the dream i'm still where i was standing before. there's a man near me and i know that in some way i am connected to him. i run to help him and then suddenly i hear this blaring screeching sound coming from the floor. i look over a railing and see neon signs flashing. they blink BAIT. and arrows point to a cave entrance. the zombies stop the attack and file down to the entrance. its over. i guess we won. the ledges around the edges of the arena slide out of the walls, and they have chairs and tables on them. strange. people are hurt and dying. i start to walk the ledge and evaluate damage. some cringe and bleed and others are perfectly fine. i see a child crying and i run to her. whats wrong? i lost my flower. its gone. i miss it. she belongs to a man i know someone named bear? a huge guy. but where is he? out of the corner of my eye i see a man fall to the floor and i rush over to him, his face is young and handsome and he knows me. hes been bitten. out of nowhere a woman runs up and says quick! we have to be quick! and she pushes me to the ground where i start to convulse and twitch, she falls and does the same. i throw up some brown disgusting slime and lay there panting. the woman gets up and says you got it out. you got it out. i try to stand and realize the man is in front of me, and hes fine. he picks me up and holds me.
[and of course i fall in love]
[it's like we were always meant to be. cheese]
then i remember something and i take off running. out a door near me and into the sunlight and then down a path and into a small hole in the ground. i'm in a small mossy green room and it has little tiny furniture in it. i say where are you and the frog steps out of the little tiny kitchen. i tell him to give me the flower, i know its in his freezer. he laughs and hands it to me.its small and glass and purple and green. its so pretty. i walk back to the arena. i need to give it to the little girl. the man is still standing there, waiting for me. he puts his hand on my waist and we walk. i find the little girl and give her her flower. she laughs and runs away. its time to leave. i have to get out of here. how long have i been asleep? as we head for the door i see someone i know and i go to him. its my old friend robert, and hes in a wheel chair. he's paralyzed. i say robert? what happened? did the army do this to you? what happened? and i start to cry. my man behind me lays a hand on my back. robert turns his chair and looks at me. his face is mean and scarred. he says at least i didn't do this to myself. i didn't have THAT luxury. i know he's talking about my arm. robert's wife is there too. she stands like a statue next to him, crying a little. i reach to her and in her ear i whisper, i'm going to get married. i guess you guys can't come. please take care of him. then i hug robert again. and i'm still crying.

and that's how i wake up.

crying and shaking and worried id still be in that arena.


yep. what a motherfucking dream eh?


woo. i'm exhausted.


some points
-i always fall in love with the men in my dreams.
-me and my small group, we were heroes. almost gods among the other people. the way they looked at us and grabbed for our hands. it was amazing.
-the zombies were covered with clotted blood and they had facial expression. which made them even more disgusting. when i bashed their heads in they were hollow.
-i was actually also in love with a woman in this dream. confusing.
-the dream was so deep and complex. i loved it.
-the way that me and my group moved was like those urban jumpers. it was such an amazing feeling. i want to get in shape and try it now. its like flying. it took my breathe away.
-other people in my dream included aunts and uncles, my little brother, dawnelle and bryan, tom, jonathon, and my grandfather. creeepy. two of those people are dead.

let me out, i can't hold my breath any longer

getting the fuck out of here sounds really fucking good right now.
i'm woozy and sleepy from pills.
the computer keeps wanting to restart.
i'm going to sleep all day tomorrow.
i hope i don't.
sleeping hurts.
i miss people.
i wish they were here.
ready to grab hands and spill secrets.
i wish i had alot of things.
wish wish wish wish.
nothing ever happens honey.

just go to bed.

if i could put my finger on the feeling

i wouldn't need to blog about it to work it out.
something about being lost and angry, or dependent and needy. i think it's contagious.
maybe it came with the rain.

the cat is walking around and just fucking crying and crying. in his two toned lucifer voice he's driving me crazy.
[oh god shut up]

i think i may be bad at taking care of things. i could never be a good mother. i don't think i could care for anything that complex and keep it alive. it scares me. but i forget to feed the rabbit and sometimes the cats and i never water the plants and what would happen if i had a child? besides the fact that i don't want any, i don't think i would have any just for the potential kids protection. strange thought, but it ties into a very strange dream i had last night where everything i had, my chinchilla, my kittens, my parents plants, everything i was taking care of died. they were all shriveled up and gasping for water and i just stood holding the hose and watched them die. i woke up shaking and i ran to every animal in the house and every plant that was brown and i swear i apologized. i watered them i fed them a little too much and i held them. i was so scared that i had killed them. ugh. it was not a good feeling.

now there's just the acid in my stomach. and i'm here playing the waiting game. waiting for the lady from borders to call me, waiting for my parents to come home and take this responsibility back, waiting for tom to get home, waiting for school to start, waiting for the day when i can be comfortable and secure and warm and everything else. because right now i'm slipping in the water on the runway, i'm running in place and everyone's watching. i guess they might be playing the waiting game with me. waiting for me to get the fucking point of it all, waiting for me to get a move on. and we're all waiting together. how sweet.

i have my little hidden comforts. i have that much at least. i have amanda and brian, i have the box of pastels under all those books in my living room, i have the blankets and the millions of pillows on my bed, i have sleeping pills, i have makeup i never wear except when its really late at night, i have my peppermint tea, and i have chu.
[oh and you guys, i have you guys]

i wish i lived in seattle. the constant rain would have me like this everyday. on these types of days i can finally grasp whats going on. i take care of myself and i eat alot of soup. everyone gets hugs and i get too deep too fast. i like it. i'm at my neediest on these days, which is a refreshing change to my usual get the fuck away what the hell does that mean shut your stupid mouth demeanor. these days i fall happily into teary eyes and quick conversations with strangers. i just miss how i was. i used to be so interesting and new. now i'm aging and my eyes are opening and the bliss is cracking and its not as shiny as i remember it.
[i am stephanies strange sense of drama]

ouch, my lips are torn and dry. i left my chapstick at my apt. great.

i haven't bitten my nails in about a week. so now i'm at the stage where i'm accidentally scratching myself and others. the fun stage.

listening to music from high school is amusing. i don't know how it makes me feel.
[Head Automatica][Beating heart Baby]
[Bush][Cold Contagious]
[Imogen Heap][Headlock]
[Collective Soul][Run]
[and so on]

i just made a SHITLOAD of bacon. which is funny cause i don't have bread, eggs, cheese, or pancake mix. just bacon. at least ill get my protein.
i feel like such a guy.

rain, things i miss, and my poor hands

its so pretty out right now. but with my head the way it is i cant tell if its too hot or just right. urg. i was doing some lurking today and i realized that there are quite of few things of mine in the homes of people i can't stand anymore. you know who with my rug and love seat and all those blankets and whats his name with my couch and my dresser drawers and whatever else he found in that storage room. and what do i have to show for it? it would be easier to deal with if i had something of theirs. geez.
my bones hurt. i bought some sleeping pills last night. they're perfect for me. a good soft sleep.

it's raining nicely outside. today is perfect for:

Tea with mint.

Miso.


Rice.

Spicy Tuna.

Blue Moon.


Smokes.


Scrabble.

someone come eat with me, drink with me, smoke with me, or try to beat me at scrabble. it's too green outside to be alone today. sigh.