I.... am a new person. I am sitting in a room, cool and dark, the cat is sleeping and so is he. I'm typing on a tablet, the tv is like: here, watch the x files, you have netflix now. I am something different than I once was. I remember a time, ages ago, when I felt like this.
strong.
something about the way I look at myself in the mirror. putting pretty, weird, earrings into my ears, lining my eyes, smiling a little hungrily... aggressively. I talk. have whole conversations with myself, in the hurried few minutes before work. chest out, hips square. I am a vision. sometimes. I can pretend. I sure can put on a show.
still.
I remember those years ago, how simple and painful the fall was. and sometimes I wonder if/when it will come. there is something different now, though. I am not sure the fall would hurt at all. I don't think I would even feel the jolt. it used to be the pain was great, pressure in my brain, tearing through my fingers, into my skin. I used to feel every tiny thing.
now. I think I'm out of whatever that was. several things have happened here that I should have new scars for. but me, shit, I'm alright. a shocker, a miracle. something. being numb in certain places helps. I have invisible calluses, thick skin, DRIVE. people don't hurt as much. they seem to make less noise. I'm growing up and leaving so much behind. i mean... there are times when I feel guilt, still.
I've been through/done a lot of shit. pure ugly shit.
BUT. now I find I don't give so much of a shit. now, things aren't as dramatic and important. fuck. I'm not crying, unless it matters. I'm not cutting. I'm smoking like a goddammed chimney but hell, I work at a coffee shop and texas is getting crazy with it's outrageous pro life bullshit. I need that.
I just feel good. I'm making things, braids and antique jewelry covered in eggshell spray paint. roses and paper clips, dried thistles in my car. I'm painting and drawing. I am, magically, still in love. I touch my cat and she moves into my hand. slow steady recovery. the small house that I once felt stifled in is my sanctuary. these things. I need them. I meet strange people randomly. a small beautiful mexican girl makes me laugh constantly. an asian girl with sweet eyes and a loud laugh reminds me of myself when I was her age. the man who tattoed the state of texas on me is wise and crude, honest and hilarious. and he let's me have the tattoo for free, leaving me teary eyed and grateful for his voice and hand. it all feels good. at work I work forever. I work and work. I love my job.
I'm almost scared to keep going.
this is new to me.
his niece comes and paints with me sometimes, she asks me lots of questions. shes really an adult when she speaks. shes weird and artistic. perfect.I just can't wait to see what she becomes.
and him. well. he's the most perfect thing. he snores and he smells amazing. deeply intellectual. he makes me stop, and think, really think. I am patient for him, better for him. he doesnt know how much I love him. he's just the world.
i am a new person. I will not waste this. I am strong. I have the x files and a volkswagon bug. a green one, at that. for all the shit. I just want to remember how happy I am right now.
just in case.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
alright, just calm the fuck down.
yikes, sometimes things just spin on a tiny angle.
what am i talking about, thats all the time with me. im always spinning it seems. somehow ive tricked myself into thinking the sickness is gone but maybe its just sleeping. ugh i have heartburn and a raging jealousy for something that doesnt even breathe and could never surpass. im angry. and now i have a drivers license. great. of course i want to flee and find solace. why does everyone else get to do whatever the fuck they want and i have to stay in a little white box. clean and silent. shhh. rage. yes, its there and steady. warm and familiar. the usual way i say hello to it. calmly and with strong eye contact.
the people around me never knew me then. i was anonymous for the most part, then i rolled up my sleeves and i became curious, interesting, pathetic. to different types, in different shades. what the fuck am i doing? why am i back here?
i dont even know. im off to find the time for a smoke and settle the fuck down.
what am i talking about, thats all the time with me. im always spinning it seems. somehow ive tricked myself into thinking the sickness is gone but maybe its just sleeping. ugh i have heartburn and a raging jealousy for something that doesnt even breathe and could never surpass. im angry. and now i have a drivers license. great. of course i want to flee and find solace. why does everyone else get to do whatever the fuck they want and i have to stay in a little white box. clean and silent. shhh. rage. yes, its there and steady. warm and familiar. the usual way i say hello to it. calmly and with strong eye contact.
the people around me never knew me then. i was anonymous for the most part, then i rolled up my sleeves and i became curious, interesting, pathetic. to different types, in different shades. what the fuck am i doing? why am i back here?
i dont even know. im off to find the time for a smoke and settle the fuck down.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
dream ...456.....8425545.........1
i'm not sure what inspired this one... many things. maybe the want of something familiar and comforting. i don't know.
anyway. i'm in an heb, but it's not just any heb. besides being a grocery store i know this is also a school, and it's my school. i'm standing near the makeup and the registers, lusting over eye shadows and brushes, and i get the feeling that i am with my parents, although i don't recognize the people near me. a woman and a tall man turn and talk to me, they are nice and the woman hands me white shiny beads and says come on lets get in the car. i want to walk around first, so i tell her one sec and head towards the floral section. just across from the lilies and carnations i see a glass encased classroom with chairs and a chalkboard. the back row of desks are dusty and old, some knocked over. i notice the back of the store doesn't seem to have its lights on, giving the whole place an eerie feeling... i head back up. in my head thoughts are flying, i'm thinking about a boy i'm dating, and i realize that i am in high school. i have a letter in my pocket for someone and he was supposed to meet me here but hes not here.... i look up and over the registers at the checkout are little tvs showing a gym where boys are running at each other with pads and giant q tips. i leave with my "parents". as we walk out into the dim parking lot i see its covered with ice and a slight fog. cars are speeding through the lot, slipping and screeching and i'm a little scared. my rents walk confidently ahead of me, chatting and holding hands. an image flashes in my head of a doll atop a bell tower, with blonde hair and reaching arms, near her feet, broken pieces of smaller dolls. in the image a hand comes in with a towel and begins to wipe dirt from her face and the dead doll eyes stare. i snap back to reality and now it's daylight somehow. we are still outside of this heb. my mom shows me where the doll is, pointing up and into the glare. i blink and find myself standing next to it. the doll is about 3 ft tall, hair clumping together from weather, eyes glass and deeply brown. she wears a pale yellow dress. around her feet are the pieces i saw, legs and arms, heads and bodies. but there is more- small glass dishes with crystal clear water in them spot the tiny rooftop. i want to get out. behind me is a small square exit to a spiral staircase. the stair case is small, i'm bent over most of the way down. the sunlight is coming in through small openings covered with white bars, and the whole place takes on a buttery yellow glow. i start to notice glittery objects on the ground and lean in to examine them, its jewelry, some of it is beautiful, and some of it is broken. i feel pangs of guilt as i gather it up, especially when i see a gorgeous glass rosary. i'm calling for my mom now, unsure of how to get out. i've reached the bottom and there is no door. she comes and tells me to look up, as i do a larger hole opens just above my head, and the bar melt back from the opening. i climb out into the arms of my not real parents. i'm wearing a black dress suddenly. they tell me we should go sell what we found, but i'm gripping it so tight i don't think i'll ever let it go. as we walk to the car i think of the boy who stood me up and something interjects with: i'm in high school, who cares about boys? i smile at this thought and get to the car, happy with the jewelry resting heavy in my lap.
and i wake up.
ugh typing while groggy is ... challenging.
zzzzzzzzzzzzz
anyway. i'm in an heb, but it's not just any heb. besides being a grocery store i know this is also a school, and it's my school. i'm standing near the makeup and the registers, lusting over eye shadows and brushes, and i get the feeling that i am with my parents, although i don't recognize the people near me. a woman and a tall man turn and talk to me, they are nice and the woman hands me white shiny beads and says come on lets get in the car. i want to walk around first, so i tell her one sec and head towards the floral section. just across from the lilies and carnations i see a glass encased classroom with chairs and a chalkboard. the back row of desks are dusty and old, some knocked over. i notice the back of the store doesn't seem to have its lights on, giving the whole place an eerie feeling... i head back up. in my head thoughts are flying, i'm thinking about a boy i'm dating, and i realize that i am in high school. i have a letter in my pocket for someone and he was supposed to meet me here but hes not here.... i look up and over the registers at the checkout are little tvs showing a gym where boys are running at each other with pads and giant q tips. i leave with my "parents". as we walk out into the dim parking lot i see its covered with ice and a slight fog. cars are speeding through the lot, slipping and screeching and i'm a little scared. my rents walk confidently ahead of me, chatting and holding hands. an image flashes in my head of a doll atop a bell tower, with blonde hair and reaching arms, near her feet, broken pieces of smaller dolls. in the image a hand comes in with a towel and begins to wipe dirt from her face and the dead doll eyes stare. i snap back to reality and now it's daylight somehow. we are still outside of this heb. my mom shows me where the doll is, pointing up and into the glare. i blink and find myself standing next to it. the doll is about 3 ft tall, hair clumping together from weather, eyes glass and deeply brown. she wears a pale yellow dress. around her feet are the pieces i saw, legs and arms, heads and bodies. but there is more- small glass dishes with crystal clear water in them spot the tiny rooftop. i want to get out. behind me is a small square exit to a spiral staircase. the stair case is small, i'm bent over most of the way down. the sunlight is coming in through small openings covered with white bars, and the whole place takes on a buttery yellow glow. i start to notice glittery objects on the ground and lean in to examine them, its jewelry, some of it is beautiful, and some of it is broken. i feel pangs of guilt as i gather it up, especially when i see a gorgeous glass rosary. i'm calling for my mom now, unsure of how to get out. i've reached the bottom and there is no door. she comes and tells me to look up, as i do a larger hole opens just above my head, and the bar melt back from the opening. i climb out into the arms of my not real parents. i'm wearing a black dress suddenly. they tell me we should go sell what we found, but i'm gripping it so tight i don't think i'll ever let it go. as we walk to the car i think of the boy who stood me up and something interjects with: i'm in high school, who cares about boys? i smile at this thought and get to the car, happy with the jewelry resting heavy in my lap.
and i wake up.
ugh typing while groggy is ... challenging.
zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Thursday, January 19, 2012
dream (waking up and running to the com)
Im working at some dimly lit, maroon themed restaurant/bar. Ive been here a while, and im familiar with most of my co workers. i get the sense, like that dream sort of feeling, that i am in a gang. i have more tats and my hair is deep red. we are bustling around and a show begins in the dining room... lights and music and two people hanging from hooks from the ceiling. a couple, they work here, and they are in love. they hang from hooks in their backs, suspension. swinging from their ropes, they seem to dance in air. i cant stop staring. they call for another, someone to help them complete a trick and i step forward, but am brushed aside by a statuesque, gorgeous woman who smells amazing. her black hair is pushed back from her white face and she wears a skintight black dress. she laughs as they push the hooks into her and she almost jumps into the pain. in my head a small bio plays, that she doesn't feel it, she loves to hang and shes as tough inside as out. i move on with my work.
it gets fuzzy.
the restaurant is closed now, but all of us workers are inside. we walk around and talk, and a tall black boy meets me in the hallway and starts telling me about our rivals. he says that we should be careful, that they can sneak n and hurt us and we have to be prepared. the government should have never taken our ability to teleport (i know, but it was a dead serious conversation in my dream) i agree, and we grasp hands, he says the others, they are planning something. and i tell him to stay alert. im tired and i need to go to the bathroom so i duck into the nearest one. i try to flip the switch but nothing happens, but i shrug it off and think there is enough light coming in through the bottom of the door. in the dark bathroom i begin to lay out glowing beads around the sink and quarters from my pocket when i get a very strange feeling. i look up into the mirror to see the closet door behind me appear to open, i can barely tell in the sparse light... but it is! so i turn just as a man jumps from the closet, but he doesn't know who i am and he gets a punch in the nose as i react to the shock, he falls against the bathtub and i start to pummel him, screaming for help. the door is bashed in and he is pulled into the hallway and i am pulled to my feet.people are yelling, there is blood on my knuckles. now there are representatives from the other gang somehow, its all happening so fast but there is an argument and somehow no one believes me that i was attacked in the bathroom. im shock. i grab my purse and phone and run out into the night.
fuzz... and in it i am texting someone, it feels like i met him in my dreams, i am deeply in love with him, but not so much in a romantic way, i dont know very hard to describe this. but i barely know his face, but i definitely know his words.
im approaching a warehouse (my favorite theme) and i need to be reminded that i can be happy...
he used to stay here. he is a collector and he used to bring his things here. he always used to tell me that i should go and pick a few things out that he always thinks of me when he gets them. i wander up a maze of stairs to the top open floor. its massive and it gives me that tingly feeling in my stomach, butterflies and nervousness. there are rows and rows of stuff, organized strangely. i walk by a row of mattresses with stuffed animals sitting on the edge with their heads wrapped in barb wire strung like a clothes line from one bed post to another. clothes and shoes, and trinkets. lamps shaped like women and elephants, but so realistic and correct i have to blush. he's left me pictures, of me that he took at one time, Photoshopped with wings and soft edges, and i am looking away from the camera in all of them. the captions tell me that he sees me in a clear strong light. i feel like im floating. as i walk through the warehouse it starts to change around me.
i start seeing people in the distance down some of the aisles and the racks morph into something more professional. a worker walks by and i realize the collection area is becoming an actual store right before my eyes. i start shopping and find a few things. hes texting me, leading me on hunts to find things that he has picked just for me, and i find some of the most beautiful clothes ever. they all fit perfect. soon enough i look down at the phone ad it just says
wake up.
so i do.
aaaaaahhhhhh that felt good.
zzzzzzZzzzz
it gets fuzzy.
the restaurant is closed now, but all of us workers are inside. we walk around and talk, and a tall black boy meets me in the hallway and starts telling me about our rivals. he says that we should be careful, that they can sneak n and hurt us and we have to be prepared. the government should have never taken our ability to teleport (i know, but it was a dead serious conversation in my dream) i agree, and we grasp hands, he says the others, they are planning something. and i tell him to stay alert. im tired and i need to go to the bathroom so i duck into the nearest one. i try to flip the switch but nothing happens, but i shrug it off and think there is enough light coming in through the bottom of the door. in the dark bathroom i begin to lay out glowing beads around the sink and quarters from my pocket when i get a very strange feeling. i look up into the mirror to see the closet door behind me appear to open, i can barely tell in the sparse light... but it is! so i turn just as a man jumps from the closet, but he doesn't know who i am and he gets a punch in the nose as i react to the shock, he falls against the bathtub and i start to pummel him, screaming for help. the door is bashed in and he is pulled into the hallway and i am pulled to my feet.people are yelling, there is blood on my knuckles. now there are representatives from the other gang somehow, its all happening so fast but there is an argument and somehow no one believes me that i was attacked in the bathroom. im shock. i grab my purse and phone and run out into the night.
fuzz... and in it i am texting someone, it feels like i met him in my dreams, i am deeply in love with him, but not so much in a romantic way, i dont know very hard to describe this. but i barely know his face, but i definitely know his words.
im approaching a warehouse (my favorite theme) and i need to be reminded that i can be happy...
he used to stay here. he is a collector and he used to bring his things here. he always used to tell me that i should go and pick a few things out that he always thinks of me when he gets them. i wander up a maze of stairs to the top open floor. its massive and it gives me that tingly feeling in my stomach, butterflies and nervousness. there are rows and rows of stuff, organized strangely. i walk by a row of mattresses with stuffed animals sitting on the edge with their heads wrapped in barb wire strung like a clothes line from one bed post to another. clothes and shoes, and trinkets. lamps shaped like women and elephants, but so realistic and correct i have to blush. he's left me pictures, of me that he took at one time, Photoshopped with wings and soft edges, and i am looking away from the camera in all of them. the captions tell me that he sees me in a clear strong light. i feel like im floating. as i walk through the warehouse it starts to change around me.
i start seeing people in the distance down some of the aisles and the racks morph into something more professional. a worker walks by and i realize the collection area is becoming an actual store right before my eyes. i start shopping and find a few things. hes texting me, leading me on hunts to find things that he has picked just for me, and i find some of the most beautiful clothes ever. they all fit perfect. soon enough i look down at the phone ad it just says
wake up.
so i do.
aaaaaahhhhhh that felt good.
zzzzzzZzzzz
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
monsters and quitting smoking
quitting smoking was supposed to be harder than this but i think i found the key... pressure. there is no lacking of it here and now, as i try to please adrians family and seem good enough for their son. haha, seems ridiculous. not having a drink on the weekends, not grabbing a smoke in this absolutely amazing weather. (it snowed today, so beautiful) but i guess it's good for me..... right?
[blah]
chugging energy drinks, making another pot of coffee. tell me caffeine is better than nicotine. one vice for another.
sometimes i wake up scared in the night because i don't know where i am.
and the nightmares are back, i think. all i know is i'm waking up sweating and out of breath.
i'm going to start logging again, they are starting to flee as soon as i wake up, and it's taking it's toll on me. i miss my dreams.
my goals for the immediate:
-drink more tea, green preferably
-craft, craft, craft
-learn spanish so i can actually have a conversation with the people here
-get a JOB
-smile more
-establish myself, maybe meet some new people
-get over this damn homesickness...
let's do it.
[blah]
chugging energy drinks, making another pot of coffee. tell me caffeine is better than nicotine. one vice for another.
sometimes i wake up scared in the night because i don't know where i am.
and the nightmares are back, i think. all i know is i'm waking up sweating and out of breath.
i'm going to start logging again, they are starting to flee as soon as i wake up, and it's taking it's toll on me. i miss my dreams.
my goals for the immediate:
-drink more tea, green preferably
-craft, craft, craft
-learn spanish so i can actually have a conversation with the people here
-get a JOB
-smile more
-establish myself, maybe meet some new people
-get over this damn homesickness...
let's do it.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
off and away
i tried to make a "family friendly" "somewhat normal" blog and i failed...
whatever.
i moved. to nebraska. just up and left. my whole life fit into less than half of the space of a small trucks bed. i followed a man, to his families home here. and so far its been something else. nice. cold. calm.
texas was starting to make me itch. maybe it was something else. my friends branching out and becoming people i knew less and less, family growing and expanding with me a footnote and a fleeting thought. driving away from it all was heartbreaking and exciting at the same time. the sun came up as we were passing through austin and i was breathing heavy. sleepy and wondering just what the hell i was doing. i havent had a cigarette in about a week. funny the resolutions we always go back to around new years.
[drunk and alive downtown and he says ive been thinking about what you said, lets just go]
[yes, i said yes]
my parents came over while we were packing and my mom was sad but my dad was strong and they pressed some cash into my hand and hugged me goodbye, saying be careful we love you do what you need to. support like that gives me strength, and its hard to find. only parents i guess. she came over too, but more so to tell me that once i realize my mistake i can always come back. pig says have fun, enjoy. i'll miss him the most of the friends i left behind...
starting a new life is something i have never done before. and with a man who still hasnt even said he loves me.
yep.
i am strangely unafraid now that im actually sitting here in the bedroom his family is letting us use. i walk outside and marvel, absolutely stare, at the amazing sunsets that happen here. the sky is so DIFFERENT.
[break]
ok its days later from the first part. i have a small, centered headache near my eyes, and im a little strange right now. omaha is weird, and the general color of the city is brown. trees are all dead or bright green, yes i know, weird. i have a tight feeling of homesick in my stomach and im sleeping off and on, and not working out. no smoking, no drinking. i am a shadow of my former self to make a good impression on this new family.
so much to say. but im shaky from all the caffeine. just time to post.
whatever.
i moved. to nebraska. just up and left. my whole life fit into less than half of the space of a small trucks bed. i followed a man, to his families home here. and so far its been something else. nice. cold. calm.
texas was starting to make me itch. maybe it was something else. my friends branching out and becoming people i knew less and less, family growing and expanding with me a footnote and a fleeting thought. driving away from it all was heartbreaking and exciting at the same time. the sun came up as we were passing through austin and i was breathing heavy. sleepy and wondering just what the hell i was doing. i havent had a cigarette in about a week. funny the resolutions we always go back to around new years.
[drunk and alive downtown and he says ive been thinking about what you said, lets just go]
[yes, i said yes]
my parents came over while we were packing and my mom was sad but my dad was strong and they pressed some cash into my hand and hugged me goodbye, saying be careful we love you do what you need to. support like that gives me strength, and its hard to find. only parents i guess. she came over too, but more so to tell me that once i realize my mistake i can always come back. pig says have fun, enjoy. i'll miss him the most of the friends i left behind...
starting a new life is something i have never done before. and with a man who still hasnt even said he loves me.
yep.
i am strangely unafraid now that im actually sitting here in the bedroom his family is letting us use. i walk outside and marvel, absolutely stare, at the amazing sunsets that happen here. the sky is so DIFFERENT.
[break]
ok its days later from the first part. i have a small, centered headache near my eyes, and im a little strange right now. omaha is weird, and the general color of the city is brown. trees are all dead or bright green, yes i know, weird. i have a tight feeling of homesick in my stomach and im sleeping off and on, and not working out. no smoking, no drinking. i am a shadow of my former self to make a good impression on this new family.
so much to say. but im shaky from all the caffeine. just time to post.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
awake
i miss dreams. i want them fiercely. real life is something confusing and complicated, dreams never lie. please come back, friends. i'm ready to write again.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
stasis [part 4]
i talk too much.
i should never, ever, talk about whats happened to me in my life to anyone who doesn't already know the details.
pity party me, sad sack of facts.
...
changes happen. but i'm ill prepared.
:/
in the middle of the night he's holding me in his arms and the confessions stumble out of my mouth like a clumsy elephant into the room. lingering over our heads.
then he keeps holding me and i'm breathing again.
but what now. what is ticking in his head. neurotic. twitchy. yes all of that i'm breaking down the looks he gives me into points and bullets.... scared of repeat, doing it all over again.
i should have left him alone.
but i couldn't.
i hope he doesn't pay a price. i can cover it, i have credit when it comes to heartbreak and confusion.
we'll see.
everything else is going amazing, beyond social things i am excelling. happy, pure. it's such a dramatic change from the end of last year. and i'm FLYING. i want this to pause so i can enjoy it if even for a few weeks.... it's amazing.
more on this later.
cleaning time now.
i should never, ever, talk about whats happened to me in my life to anyone who doesn't already know the details.
pity party me, sad sack of facts.
...
changes happen. but i'm ill prepared.
:/
in the middle of the night he's holding me in his arms and the confessions stumble out of my mouth like a clumsy elephant into the room. lingering over our heads.
then he keeps holding me and i'm breathing again.
but what now. what is ticking in his head. neurotic. twitchy. yes all of that i'm breaking down the looks he gives me into points and bullets.... scared of repeat, doing it all over again.
i should have left him alone.
but i couldn't.
i hope he doesn't pay a price. i can cover it, i have credit when it comes to heartbreak and confusion.
we'll see.
everything else is going amazing, beyond social things i am excelling. happy, pure. it's such a dramatic change from the end of last year. and i'm FLYING. i want this to pause so i can enjoy it if even for a few weeks.... it's amazing.
cleaning time now.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
apple soda, marty snoring, and i'm wide awake and completely exhausted.
[stop it, girl, you are doing it again.]
picking at your nails and chewing chewing chewing.
blasting music and singing in the shower i am free for my favorite 15 minutes of the day. voice cracking, wet hair in my face, sticking to my cheeks. becoming clean. water meets body and i just throw my face up in the spray. besides dreaming, i could live in a shower.
weird, i know...
i've been thinking about medication again. i think its time to find out what my options are. i've been needing the cutting more and more lately. it usually happens this way, when i become unhappy with my current relationships, i start work, or i need my privacy and space and have none.
all of those things are happening right now.
i'm anxious and unsettled. it's like my lovely last blog explains. havoc.
so i think it's time to try one more time, to go out on my own.
i'm terrified and i don't know maybe i'll just wait for [] to leave to the navy and come back. but something needs to change NOW.
aaahhh my stomach is twisting. viciously.
my brains laughs softly at my feeble attempts to maintain composure :/
picking at your nails and chewing chewing chewing.
blasting music and singing in the shower i am free for my favorite 15 minutes of the day. voice cracking, wet hair in my face, sticking to my cheeks. becoming clean. water meets body and i just throw my face up in the spray. besides dreaming, i could live in a shower.
weird, i know...
i've been thinking about medication again. i think its time to find out what my options are. i've been needing the cutting more and more lately. it usually happens this way, when i become unhappy with my current relationships, i start work, or i need my privacy and space and have none.
all of those things are happening right now.
i'm anxious and unsettled. it's like my lovely last blog explains. havoc.
so i think it's time to try one more time, to go out on my own.
i'm terrified and i don't know maybe i'll just wait for [] to leave to the navy and come back. but something needs to change NOW.
aaahhh my stomach is twisting. viciously.
my brains laughs softly at my feeble attempts to maintain composure :/
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
furrow [part 2 maybe]
i have no idea what i am doing here. my eyes touch over things and quickly pass on.
i step back even a foot and think shit what the fuck is going on, i must be crazy.
but we're standing face to face promising each other that this isn't what it look like, hands up palms out trying to prove our sincerity while still hiding behind sarcasm and defense mechanisms. the question hangs heavy: what are we? and i don't have an answer, i would prefer we were nothing. simple flesh and blood beings in a state of existence, in close proximity.
hah. right.
anxiety, paranoia, all the wonderful emotions that wreck you when you have something bright in your eyes rolls over me in waves.
all i want in this world is something that i can have, just for a moment, that wont crash and burn explode in flames die in my arms.
i want to keep something when it feels like everything has slipped away.
lately i'm walking head up again, engaging people at work, laughing and dyeing my hair.
but its all a wonderful show, a type of game i've created, to see how much i can forget by focusing on this smile i've been putting out. smile stephanie, big. the people at work tell me i'm happy, calm, nice. inside i'm raging sometimes, crying all the time, wondering why i get out of bed at all. the depression lingers but is made sweeter and a touch delightful by the secrecy and intimacy.
no ones wants to know the other me, not anymore. i've run out of time for sugar coating and gentle whispers.
back to this though.
i'm tired of men. so tired. the interaction- burning passion in the beginning, tearing at each other, needing and seeking and warm only for it all to turn to turn cold in time. nothing like the smoldering growing love and friendship i read about in books, see in movies. i'm so tired. i've already been robbed of my womanly abilities, the rest seems ridiculous now.
i'm so bitter. lost.
so what am i doing here?
i want him to stay arms length, just far enough to hear me talk. just close enough to smell my hair and skin and want me. i need him to want me. as much as i don't want him to love me, i want him to still want me.
it doesn't make sense i know.
but its not one sided.
all his hurt i want to feed on it, i want his stories to come to my ears too, i want to keep him to myself.
it is nothing short of ridiculous.
i have to stop thinking about it and just go with it.
it never works. but the few delicious moments it does seem worth it.
touch now, fall apart later. i have been through it enough to know ill survive at least.
sigh. unfinished thoughts.
i step back even a foot and think shit what the fuck is going on, i must be crazy.
but we're standing face to face promising each other that this isn't what it look like, hands up palms out trying to prove our sincerity while still hiding behind sarcasm and defense mechanisms. the question hangs heavy: what are we? and i don't have an answer, i would prefer we were nothing. simple flesh and blood beings in a state of existence, in close proximity.
hah. right.
anxiety, paranoia, all the wonderful emotions that wreck you when you have something bright in your eyes rolls over me in waves.
all i want in this world is something that i can have, just for a moment, that wont crash and burn explode in flames die in my arms.
i want to keep something when it feels like everything has slipped away.
lately i'm walking head up again, engaging people at work, laughing and dyeing my hair.
but its all a wonderful show, a type of game i've created, to see how much i can forget by focusing on this smile i've been putting out. smile stephanie, big. the people at work tell me i'm happy, calm, nice. inside i'm raging sometimes, crying all the time, wondering why i get out of bed at all. the depression lingers but is made sweeter and a touch delightful by the secrecy and intimacy.
no ones wants to know the other me, not anymore. i've run out of time for sugar coating and gentle whispers.
back to this though.
i'm tired of men. so tired. the interaction- burning passion in the beginning, tearing at each other, needing and seeking and warm only for it all to turn to turn cold in time. nothing like the smoldering growing love and friendship i read about in books, see in movies. i'm so tired. i've already been robbed of my womanly abilities, the rest seems ridiculous now.
i'm so bitter. lost.
so what am i doing here?
i want him to stay arms length, just far enough to hear me talk. just close enough to smell my hair and skin and want me. i need him to want me. as much as i don't want him to love me, i want him to still want me.
it doesn't make sense i know.
but its not one sided.
all his hurt i want to feed on it, i want his stories to come to my ears too, i want to keep him to myself.
it is nothing short of ridiculous.
i have to stop thinking about it and just go with it.
it never works. but the few delicious moments it does seem worth it.
touch now, fall apart later. i have been through it enough to know ill survive at least.
sigh. unfinished thoughts.
Friday, July 15, 2011
dream
one of the best ive ever felt... colors were mostly browns and copper.
im in a large open building. it resembles and old mall, shaped in a star almost with tall ceilings and small doors leading to other rooms stemming from the large halls. im walking alone, and trying to find someone. im coming to a busy corner of the building, i see people milling around one of the doors. i look inside and see what appears to be a tiny museum, small items in cases of glass sit on white pedestals and people sit in chairs watching a large screen at the back of the room. i walk past this room and go further down the large hall, which is getting darker. now i have people beside me, walking near me. they feel familiar ans safe, so i never look back. we come to a door at the very end of the hallway and it is partially boarded up. slipping past the boards we enter a cool, darkish, large room. it is covered in cobwebs, but scattered all over are statues and figures, carved from stone or set in brass and copper. they are breathtaking, reminiscent of spanish and italian masters, i gasp and try not to touch them. the people i bring in are talking fast, weve just made a discovery, and it feels so good
[blank]
in and out i come back in and im sitting in a circle next to a man who seems to be a cowboy. hes dusty and strong, mustached and wearing boots and good leather. he smells amazing, like a man. we are sitting indian style in the center of a museum style lit room. low and soft. people are all around us, sitting or standing, some are drinking or smoking, talking. in front of this man and me there is a copper antique cup, sitting on a bed of brass beads in a bowl. its old and i feel pulled to it. scattered around near the others feet and legs are other antique pieces, but these are tarnished horribly with white and blue sludge. its weird. a man comes up and tries to touch the cup in front of us. i lean over and whisper to my cowboy "its their skin, their oils, they are ruining our things"... so the cowboy pulls his gun and start shooting everyone in the room. i try to yell and tell them to run, but none of them do.
[blank]
standing in front of an older empty house. from the street it looks sad, yellow and white. im with turkey and im not sure where he came from. we go into the house and start looking through all the rooms. hes standing very close to me and im just talking, asking him questions and telling him i have missed him in my life so much. im in a closet reaching up to the top shelf and pulling down boxes full of comforting things that belong to other people. boxes of yarn, sweaters, vases and tiny vials. they all smell slightly musky sweet. turkey takes my hand and i never look at him. i walk into the closet and push aside the hanging clothes and find myself in a small bedroom of sorts, with thick beige carpeting and no furniture. the room is dark and only lit by a small high window near the ceiling of the this tiny place. there is a white board nailed to the lower part of the back wall and something is written on it, but i cant read it. there is a hole in the center of the white board. it makes me nervous. turkey is telling me we need to find some coloring books. i agree.
[blank]
waking up is harder and harder.
im in a large open building. it resembles and old mall, shaped in a star almost with tall ceilings and small doors leading to other rooms stemming from the large halls. im walking alone, and trying to find someone. im coming to a busy corner of the building, i see people milling around one of the doors. i look inside and see what appears to be a tiny museum, small items in cases of glass sit on white pedestals and people sit in chairs watching a large screen at the back of the room. i walk past this room and go further down the large hall, which is getting darker. now i have people beside me, walking near me. they feel familiar ans safe, so i never look back. we come to a door at the very end of the hallway and it is partially boarded up. slipping past the boards we enter a cool, darkish, large room. it is covered in cobwebs, but scattered all over are statues and figures, carved from stone or set in brass and copper. they are breathtaking, reminiscent of spanish and italian masters, i gasp and try not to touch them. the people i bring in are talking fast, weve just made a discovery, and it feels so good
[blank]
in and out i come back in and im sitting in a circle next to a man who seems to be a cowboy. hes dusty and strong, mustached and wearing boots and good leather. he smells amazing, like a man. we are sitting indian style in the center of a museum style lit room. low and soft. people are all around us, sitting or standing, some are drinking or smoking, talking. in front of this man and me there is a copper antique cup, sitting on a bed of brass beads in a bowl. its old and i feel pulled to it. scattered around near the others feet and legs are other antique pieces, but these are tarnished horribly with white and blue sludge. its weird. a man comes up and tries to touch the cup in front of us. i lean over and whisper to my cowboy "its their skin, their oils, they are ruining our things"... so the cowboy pulls his gun and start shooting everyone in the room. i try to yell and tell them to run, but none of them do.
[blank]
standing in front of an older empty house. from the street it looks sad, yellow and white. im with turkey and im not sure where he came from. we go into the house and start looking through all the rooms. hes standing very close to me and im just talking, asking him questions and telling him i have missed him in my life so much. im in a closet reaching up to the top shelf and pulling down boxes full of comforting things that belong to other people. boxes of yarn, sweaters, vases and tiny vials. they all smell slightly musky sweet. turkey takes my hand and i never look at him. i walk into the closet and push aside the hanging clothes and find myself in a small bedroom of sorts, with thick beige carpeting and no furniture. the room is dark and only lit by a small high window near the ceiling of the this tiny place. there is a white board nailed to the lower part of the back wall and something is written on it, but i cant read it. there is a hole in the center of the white board. it makes me nervous. turkey is telling me we need to find some coloring books. i agree.
[blank]
waking up is harder and harder.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
[HMIMIH]
[In my dream I was almost there
Then you pulled me aside and said, "You're going nowhere."
I know we are the chosen few but we're wasted
And that's why we're still waiting]
ick. sick with emotion, i'm roaming the quiet rooms of the semi empty house. one is sleeping, one is at work, the other is off doing whatever. i am deeply lonely, dropping onto the living room couch for less than a second, then up and walking again. bathroom- touch my face in the mirror, sigh and weigh myself, kitchen - half clean, smelling of bleach and dog food and something sweetly rotten, bedroom- cool air, my dog, and tv. but i'm twitching in the chair. picking at my skin. falling into myself. someone needs to be here. i want to meet a new person. not to love or touch, but to talk to. someone who could forget the awkward phases of lust and want. someone who won't fuddle it all up with like and hand holding. this person does not exist of course. it doesn't matter.
it's never their fault anyway. say one thing nice to me and i need you in a way that is unheard of, you shine with golden light, you are soft and tempting.
touch me right and i'm a puppy dog, following and forgetting to eat and sleep.
[it's ... hard to explain why]
but it's how i am. i feel the warm feeling welling over and it's so not the right thing for me and you but i let it happen. if i can even stop it, i don't know, i've honestly never tried.
as it spills over the edge inside i wonder how you can change my life. our friendship is maybe 5 minutes in. you've already sold me. maybe i love you.
this intense terrible dizzying need. it literally makes me sway on my feet. i roll in bed, eyes open and heart racing. why do i do this?! i can't breath. don't get close to me, unless you want to just ignore the greedy look in my eyes as i follow the lines of your body, and cling to your words.
needy.
desperate.
don't leave me.
i watch it all happen. completely aware. that's the shitty fun part. i see it. and it makes me laugh and cry and cringe.
to make it all crazier, right, i'm about to tell you i watch myself fall hard. like a second separate person. fuuuuuck. how is it i am out in the general population? whatever.
that's the usual.... i ask for something, knowing it's not in reach, because i am incapable of normal human relations.
wee.
i need to get off the damn computer. i can't look into myself for too long. :/
Then you pulled me aside and said, "You're going nowhere."
I know we are the chosen few but we're wasted
And that's why we're still waiting]
ick. sick with emotion, i'm roaming the quiet rooms of the semi empty house. one is sleeping, one is at work, the other is off doing whatever. i am deeply lonely, dropping onto the living room couch for less than a second, then up and walking again. bathroom- touch my face in the mirror, sigh and weigh myself, kitchen - half clean, smelling of bleach and dog food and something sweetly rotten, bedroom- cool air, my dog, and tv. but i'm twitching in the chair. picking at my skin. falling into myself. someone needs to be here. i want to meet a new person. not to love or touch, but to talk to. someone who could forget the awkward phases of lust and want. someone who won't fuddle it all up with like and hand holding. this person does not exist of course. it doesn't matter.
it's never their fault anyway. say one thing nice to me and i need you in a way that is unheard of, you shine with golden light, you are soft and tempting.
touch me right and i'm a puppy dog, following and forgetting to eat and sleep.
[it's ... hard to explain why]
but it's how i am. i feel the warm feeling welling over and it's so not the right thing for me and you but i let it happen. if i can even stop it, i don't know, i've honestly never tried.
as it spills over the edge inside i wonder how you can change my life. our friendship is maybe 5 minutes in. you've already sold me. maybe i love you.
this intense terrible dizzying need. it literally makes me sway on my feet. i roll in bed, eyes open and heart racing. why do i do this?! i can't breath. don't get close to me, unless you want to just ignore the greedy look in my eyes as i follow the lines of your body, and cling to your words.
needy.
desperate.
don't leave me.
i watch it all happen. completely aware. that's the shitty fun part. i see it. and it makes me laugh and cry and cringe.
to make it all crazier, right, i'm about to tell you i watch myself fall hard. like a second separate person. fuuuuuck. how is it i am out in the general population? whatever.
that's the usual.... i ask for something, knowing it's not in reach, because i am incapable of normal human relations.
wee.
i need to get off the damn computer. i can't look into myself for too long. :/
Monday, June 27, 2011
wishes
-tacos and a big red
-carpet in my room
-better skin
-more energy
-paint and canvas
-a new brain
-strong control over my moods
-to be kissed
-to sleep soundly next to someone
-clay
-my parents back in the us
-to not think for two minutes, just rest
-a cat
-coffee
-a child
-a plane ticket to anywhere
-a random letter in the mail
-a better job
-books and tuition for the fall semester
-motivation
-water
-carpet in my room
-better skin
-more energy
-paint and canvas
-a new brain
-strong control over my moods
-to be kissed
-to sleep soundly next to someone
-clay
-my parents back in the us
-to not think for two minutes, just rest
-a cat
-coffee
-a child
-a plane ticket to anywhere
-a random letter in the mail
-a better job
-books and tuition for the fall semester
-motivation
-water
Saturday, June 25, 2011
quick! dream
last night i dreamt i was in a big city, hidden away at some clinic for crazies. an old lady comes in i think i'm related to her and she tells me my great grandma has died. she starts to explain whats going on and as she does she starts to get younger. she draws little pictures on paper, and then she sticks her hands in my mouth and feels around my teeth and tongue, then she draws them out and points out all the cracks and cavities, telling me life is is hard and short. the nurse comes in and takes her away. then several others are in the room. a few girls and a small black man, who is my case worker, he brings me folders and papers that i dont understand and he tries to talk to me but i cant hear him through the sadness im feeling. some of the girls are talking close to us, i see that one of them is wearing a flowing red shirt and she has deep dark scars marching up her arm, im drawn to them like art. i envy her. she has fresh scratches on her elbows. i need those. i covet and lay back in the huge couch im on. the black man continues to talk but now im floating off.
i wake up slowly and softly... like cotton is in my head.
hrm. [typing too fast, punctuation is actually bothering me today]
i wake up slowly and softly... like cotton is in my head.
hrm. [typing too fast, punctuation is actually bothering me today]
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
pills, please (that same old diseased feeling)
you can always tell when i'm off meds.
i miss them.
i need them? shit. i'm reading blogs/articles/books/anything. hand over my face sometimes. drunk sometimes. cigarettes back in my life again. where is that elusive a ha moment.
hm... everything is ok right now. hands out in front of me as i move forward, waiting for obstacles to touch my fingers, but so far there is only air. still. calm before the storm and all that right?
sigh. quick fast lungs full of air sigh.
it is impossible to self medicate this feeling. i don't think i have it in me to sell my body for drugs and i like the soft buzz from drinking like a normal person. my other addiction is so taboo i get anxiety just thinking about the screaming consequences of it so i think i should steer clear of it for a while.
[oh how i would love to take a tv, the internet, a bag full of clothes, razors, candy, and marty and just move into a sweet, cold cave]
whatever.
the past few months i've been admitted twice. called begging in the middle of the night, considerably belligerent, sad, crying, talking to the woman on the other end of 911 and telling her i just can't fucking do this. thinking of that deep blackness inside of me at those moments. it makes me cringe. it felt like i could actually do it. and it frightened me so much that like a small child i reached out. pressed the 3 numbers and hoped for the best. both times ending up in handcuffs in the back of police cars.
medicated and trying to talk to doctors while they try to shuffle me out.
health insurance.
god bless america.
i can barely function when i'm crashing. and i have to get health insurance for anyone to give me more than two days worth of help.
i remember the doctor telling me "haven't we seen you before" and i just let my mouth curl.
and now i'm thinking of all this... father's day and whatnot.
that fucking anxiety ripping through me because i just HAD to call and hear his voice.
[what's wrong with me.]
this person, this boy, father of my [ ] child.
look, i'm trying to move on here. i don't even know why i'm trying to explain, i don't have to. i'm just saying. this isn't some tiny thing that happened and now i can't get over it. this is the fault line of life wrenching and twisting apart.
i repeat, whatever.
it could be any situation though. all i know is that i'm dizzy and sick with anxiety and a rushing brain. and all i want is some goddamn pills to make it just STOP for two seconds.
no money.... no sweet calm.
awesome.
it's ok, i'm working again, reading, painting, i have these people in my house who watch me. like a small masochistic toddler.
it's ok. it's ok. it better be ok.
i miss them.
i need them? shit. i'm reading blogs/articles/books/anything. hand over my face sometimes. drunk sometimes. cigarettes back in my life again. where is that elusive a ha moment.
hm... everything is ok right now. hands out in front of me as i move forward, waiting for obstacles to touch my fingers, but so far there is only air. still. calm before the storm and all that right?
sigh. quick fast lungs full of air sigh.
it is impossible to self medicate this feeling. i don't think i have it in me to sell my body for drugs and i like the soft buzz from drinking like a normal person. my other addiction is so taboo i get anxiety just thinking about the screaming consequences of it so i think i should steer clear of it for a while.
[oh how i would love to take a tv, the internet, a bag full of clothes, razors, candy, and marty and just move into a sweet, cold cave]
whatever.
the past few months i've been admitted twice. called begging in the middle of the night, considerably belligerent, sad, crying, talking to the woman on the other end of 911 and telling her i just can't fucking do this. thinking of that deep blackness inside of me at those moments. it makes me cringe. it felt like i could actually do it. and it frightened me so much that like a small child i reached out. pressed the 3 numbers and hoped for the best. both times ending up in handcuffs in the back of police cars.
medicated and trying to talk to doctors while they try to shuffle me out.
health insurance.
god bless america.
i can barely function when i'm crashing. and i have to get health insurance for anyone to give me more than two days worth of help.
i remember the doctor telling me "haven't we seen you before" and i just let my mouth curl.
and now i'm thinking of all this... father's day and whatnot.
that fucking anxiety ripping through me because i just HAD to call and hear his voice.
[what's wrong with me.]
this person, this boy, father of my [ ] child.
look, i'm trying to move on here. i don't even know why i'm trying to explain, i don't have to. i'm just saying. this isn't some tiny thing that happened and now i can't get over it. this is the fault line of life wrenching and twisting apart.
i repeat, whatever.
it could be any situation though. all i know is that i'm dizzy and sick with anxiety and a rushing brain. and all i want is some goddamn pills to make it just STOP for two seconds.
no money.... no sweet calm.
awesome.
it's ok, i'm working again, reading, painting, i have these people in my house who watch me. like a small masochistic toddler.
it's ok. it's ok. it better be ok.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
passion in violent acts [in dreams]
i killed someone in my dream the other night, it was terrible and ferocious and i was shocked at how fast and intense the whole thing was.
something was happening in a store with a huge glass front. an argument, some accusation, i dont know...
i remember-
-everyone was wearing white and khaki at one point, as though we were in school, in uniform.
-shelves with little statues and jewelry.
-the person [male?] i was confronting was standing in front of me and i was so angry. we were circling each other and the people around us were yelling for us to stop. i yelled "he skinned that boy alive he has to pay!" then i lunged and stabbed.
-after people started to leave. they walked around the dead body. i laid down with another person and we put our legs up against the wall. he hands me a bubble wrap skirt and i pull it on. he says his assistant got it for me. mari.
-i look out the window, all the people leaving are covered in blood. i can feel the sticky warmth on me, but i cant see it.
in fact all of my dreams are becoming overtly sexual and violent. i dont know why, these phases happen in my sleep.
last night in fact there was a murder and sex. ???
points:
-i had moved into a dorm like apt complex that was tall and square spare on side, which slanted down steeply. it was futuristic in that the architecture was smooth and mono colored, with beautiful balconies and plants all over. small efficient rooms, and elevators. tvs in the hallway. it was very interesting.
-it felt like i was moving in with a family, but i could never really see them. most of the people living in the dorm were young and attractive.
-i wake up in the dream and go to my balcony, its dark and there are cops cars surrounding the lower floor. a man is behind me telling there has been a murder. i get the chills, seeing images of a strangled woman in my head. i go back inside.
-later im on the balcony taking pictures of it with a camera i have to hold up to my eye. its still very dark out. i'm taking a picture of a tree limb that leans into the balcony when the zoom begins to act up. as the camera flashes i see a mans face looking at me from over the limb. i freak out and run inside.
-now we're leaving me and a small group of people, we walk to a house a mile or so away and i look back and take in the image of the tall geometrical building i live in. we get to the little house and go upstairs. everything is cream carpet and buttery furniture. men and women talk to me. i go into the bathroom and put on a lacy very revealing dress and everyone is fucking outside of the bathroom i can hear them, so i sit on the toilet and play with some makeup ive found.
-later i walk out everyone is gone and a man walks up to me and tells me i look amazing and we walk home, crawl into bed and i fall into sleep in the dream and awaken in real life.
i miss my dreams. deeply. my stomach aches when i think about them. nothing could feel look like flow so smoothly be so colorful in real life.
sigh.
if only i could stay.
something was happening in a store with a huge glass front. an argument, some accusation, i dont know...
i remember-
-everyone was wearing white and khaki at one point, as though we were in school, in uniform.
-shelves with little statues and jewelry.
-the person [male?] i was confronting was standing in front of me and i was so angry. we were circling each other and the people around us were yelling for us to stop. i yelled "he skinned that boy alive he has to pay!" then i lunged and stabbed.
-after people started to leave. they walked around the dead body. i laid down with another person and we put our legs up against the wall. he hands me a bubble wrap skirt and i pull it on. he says his assistant got it for me. mari.
-i look out the window, all the people leaving are covered in blood. i can feel the sticky warmth on me, but i cant see it.
in fact all of my dreams are becoming overtly sexual and violent. i dont know why, these phases happen in my sleep.
last night in fact there was a murder and sex. ???
points:
-i had moved into a dorm like apt complex that was tall and square spare on side, which slanted down steeply. it was futuristic in that the architecture was smooth and mono colored, with beautiful balconies and plants all over. small efficient rooms, and elevators. tvs in the hallway. it was very interesting.
-it felt like i was moving in with a family, but i could never really see them. most of the people living in the dorm were young and attractive.
-i wake up in the dream and go to my balcony, its dark and there are cops cars surrounding the lower floor. a man is behind me telling there has been a murder. i get the chills, seeing images of a strangled woman in my head. i go back inside.
-later im on the balcony taking pictures of it with a camera i have to hold up to my eye. its still very dark out. i'm taking a picture of a tree limb that leans into the balcony when the zoom begins to act up. as the camera flashes i see a mans face looking at me from over the limb. i freak out and run inside.
-now we're leaving me and a small group of people, we walk to a house a mile or so away and i look back and take in the image of the tall geometrical building i live in. we get to the little house and go upstairs. everything is cream carpet and buttery furniture. men and women talk to me. i go into the bathroom and put on a lacy very revealing dress and everyone is fucking outside of the bathroom i can hear them, so i sit on the toilet and play with some makeup ive found.
-later i walk out everyone is gone and a man walks up to me and tells me i look amazing and we walk home, crawl into bed and i fall into sleep in the dream and awaken in real life.
i miss my dreams. deeply. my stomach aches when i think about them. nothing could feel look like flow so smoothly be so colorful in real life.
sigh.
if only i could stay.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
DOORMAT
i never understand what's happening... the next second i'm furious and you're the same only a shade redder.
how do you think you can get away with it????
fuck. i'm positive i'm not THAT crazy.
idiot.
just shut the fuck up and get on with it.
how do you think you can get away with it????
fuck. i'm positive i'm not THAT crazy.
idiot.
just shut the fuck up and get on with it.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
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