wicked

from me. to you. with something that may be love.
is there anything better than the vague feeling of warmth? the confusing sense of is this it? the shocking tender touch of yes this is what you are.

i know. ive been feeling lost. i know. ive been this weird thing. this confusing entity. full on her own power. sick on her own strength. kind of. maybe.

in reality im still just stephanie. just this sily girl with delusions and fantasy filling her head. im foggy and stumbling. im lost and falling.

but now i think ive found it. maybe this is what i was trying to get. reaching for. the boy sleeping next to me is waking up to early and touching my face. the home ive found is unraveling around me and making itself my own. i may be ... comfortable. i may be. this.

its been a long time since ive been. me.

and friends come and blink in and out. remind me of the things that were and the things that couldnt be. but im still smiling and welcoming and wanting. it doesnt take away.

i am strong. i am all that i need to be. i am..... drunk ok im drunk.

ha! but i dont care!

give me strength! give me happiness! give me all that i ever could WANT!

GIVE IT TO ME UNIVERSE!

can you?

can you help?

of course you can.

here you go. take this. my eternal trust and faith. i believe this. in this.


yes.


ha.

night.

waking up with a wine hangover

and its been two months. hm.

my head is pounding and my mouth is too dry, on the phone my mom asks why are you talking like that.

ive been running all over the city and out of it lately. to the country to climb into a crazy awesome tree house crawling with cats, to higher up to austin to go to veggie heaven and get lost on 6th, and here finally. to hunt like a madwoman for an apt, peace of mind, and sushi. and what do you know, success!

its been a weird while, blog.

for a minute there i kind of floated. almost resigned. eh but theres no time for that. instead i got a new job, put gas into my car and never stopped moving. heres me, exhausted.

but really. my dad built one HELL of a tree house. his spirit moves me. hm.

(i seem sad in my last blogs) working on that.

for now! coffee. and a book outside. texas weather is gorgeous today. we can catch up later. yes?

never really.... you know

called my folks today after months of being out of the loop with them. i hear my dad answer the phone. with his tired voice he says "hola?" totally not like him, they must miss me. cute. i ask him questions he barks back, in the backround i can hear my mom trying to grab the phone from him with her chatter already starting, a smile forms on my lips and im a little there with them. in the kitchen like i know they are, standing there in a comical display while she dances around him. he tells me about the animals [me and my dad are a little too alike in a little too many ways] speaking of them like their my siblings. finally with a "jeezus lourdes here!" he hands my mom the phone and the torrent starts. even duane sitting next to me cant help but laugh a little at the rush of words coming from this asian spitfire. shes going on about california. you better come stephanie, we got a hotel and your grandmas rented a bus and we have the hotel rooms already and your coming right? we miss you. you never call anymore. what are you doing? how is work. whatever happened to that guy you were... what bobby? oh never mind. and im just left with all the gaps going yes mom, im fine mom, im sorry mom, ok mom, ok mom, ok mom, yes mom. fucking hell it was damn exhausting, but thoroughly heartening. they are such a fucking pair those two. my mind here takes me back to the remarks about them being sewn together at the fingertips, unable to get away from each other, and maybe now that i dwell, it may not be to much of a bad thing. my dad may be no devoted husband and she may be no easy partner but they really may love each other. somewhere, even if its only for me. i kind of miss them now. ive been so clinically dependant on them my whole life it seems. though we were anything but close. through all the timeline content and all the horrible passing words. despite all the times ive washed my hands of them, and all the times ive gotten my things and left them shouting behind me as i drove and fell into the night. the suspensions and the habits, and all their own dramatic goings on. ive never really turned away from them long enough for them to believe it and never let myself get far enough to be anything but a phone call and a quick drive their weird speeches and awkward hugs. my rents. my daddy and reluctant step mother. each with their own charms and funny stories. i can wipe every bad thing away for the moments they lose track of being assholes and fall back into the people taking care of one fucked up girl. its the times i remember i think. the times weve been through, being a member of the barron clan is more of being a battle buddy than being a relative. weve fought hard together, and even though we trun our bayonets to each others throats [most times more than just a ploy to confuse the enemy] we can still hold each other in the emergency rooms and flush the pills down the toilet with the best of intentions. i would have killed to be in any other place when i was younger [and much stupider] but now im just glad i didnt shoot myself in the foot like i had planned. and yes it hurts that one of our members os gone. but this is when im the most glad for the the strange pair. robert and lourdes. god. its fucking wacky. when they say youll come to appreciate your parents and your in high school uncaring and wearing the stupidest shit you can imagine, all cut up and half high all the time, and all you can say back is "fuck that"....you never think. and now i see what they mean. funny world. they drove me out, but now im on my own two feet. now im making it. now i get it.

if my parents had a myspace they would comment on this. heres what they would say.

Dad:
ay. take some money.

Mom:
you better not be sleeping with any boys. or drinking. i know you are. i swear stephanie. and why dont you try to go back to school. and are you coming to california?



sigh.