some analogy about swimming (drowning)

Last weekend I blacked out for the second time. It's taken a lifetime, but I really believe now, that I am not in control. Suppression only works when you lock all the doors.

I sit here sometimes, and wave my fists in the air. Write these empowering bullshit letters to myself about how interesting and strong I am and all the things that I might deserve. But I don't feel strong.

I've been in the Midwest for 6 years now. I thought I had outrun the dark imbalance, but I still haven't found my footing. But here's the thing. I'm 32. Will I ever? I have been in this mode of Don't Worry It'll Happen for over a decade, and actually making efforts for the last 5 of those years but.

I'm still just this. Good jobs, friends, a great man. And I can't pull myself above the water long enough to gulp the air and see the skies. I'm still feet below. Haunted by the warmth my fingertips feel above the foam, the sun exists, I need her. Just knowing the atmosphere is really there might have to be enough. I have a vivid imagination.

I am taking steps, I promise. I quit drinking, I am writing again, thinking about drawing. But I'm not working, I have become wary and paranoid of people, I am lashing out at my partner, I am weighted down by this strange winter. I have nothing to give, I can't follow through. I know this.

I feel better for my self awareness, though. Long thoughts in a quiet house have brought me closer to understanding how my madness works. I think about cutting everyday, but I'm doing good, I'm steering clear. The summer was harder, I forgive myself for that. In a constant state of restart, I have to be. Do you know what it is like, to try to describe this fog to another? Watching them struggle with the automatic responses - Don't I give you everything? Don't I make you happy? What have I done? And you can reach over and say please, it's internal, this is chemistry, goddamn it I'm suffocating and I'm the one tying the concrete block to my legs help me, and it won't matter. When it's this hard to talk about, you keep it to yourself. It festers.

And you learn that really, no matter how much people love you, you're on your own with this. Some try to stand valiantly with you. But it only takes one step too far for them to throw their hands up and say Fuck this, THIS is fucking crazy.

I'm just working through this, hair drifting around me in the deep cold water, I keep my eyes closed and retreat into my head. The room, do you remember it? The windows are foggy and dripping with condensation. There's nothing out there anyway. I love the way it smells, like wood and maybe pomegranate body spray. The boxes are scattered, the closet door is open. The animal is out and she purrs into my hand as I stand in the middle of this cluttered, stifling space. I talk to her, because she is me.

Maybe, for the first time, she'll talk back to me. Instead of screaming, instead of attacking. Silver eyes and my own heart. Maybe together, we can find balance, start kicking, and find the air.

lately

its been a ride, yes ya'll. its been crazy absolutely nutters. i dont really know what im doing to be honest with you. not sure what direction ive chosen or what i want. its like the kid in the store, you know the retarded one, grabbing candy and stuffing face in obscene and embarrassing ways. me. yep. hi. thats me. theres no line, no track, no lights or candles to guide me just hands thrust out and holding tight on whatever happens to walk in front of me. before i even finished typing that i was troubled by it. reading what i say is always surprising. most times the thoughts dont materialize until they are blinking here in type. who defines themselves in a blog? who works out all the issues that should have been thought of and analyzed at the time while they are alone and smoking and typing? DAYS later? me. hi again. yep me. dreams have been strange lately. ive kissed a boy that i have always wanted to kiss but never have (it felt horrible in the morning), ive taken the bus to india somehow, blown up cars, put babies in cages, set myself on fire. most of the tones in my dreams though are reminders that im in a state of chaos that always precedes madness and eventual harm. im in the state of gray at the beginning of the storm, and if i can say it does that mean i can stop it? i dont know, all i know is that there is a wild and unnerving sense to life lately. like ive lost something. definitely direction, maybe sanity, but hopefully not control. we'll see. but i no longer crave your pity so lets move on ;).

halloween was fun. we went to the biggest gayest club we could find and got lost. it was well worth the wait to get in, mostly because of the company in line and the fact that thomas had rum in a mcdonalds cup. ahhhh just like being eighteen again. sigh. lol. inside was HECTIC with a touch of frenzied charm. calaveras and pinatas made me smile. including the guy that WAS a pinata. he let thomas hit him the handed him candy. swear. fantastic. alot of tits. ALOT of tits. ha. we danced almost the whole night. dirty. lol. but when you go to the bonham its your civic duty as a rat in san antonio to dance like you fuck. and these girls were let me tell you. i on the other hand was very classy. nope im lying i was messy. but it was great fun, the end of the night was everyone wearing everyone elses makeup and stumbling with costumes trailing behind them or in trash cans. it was alot of happy halloween bitches and even more laughing and eventually i know everyone in that club hit a taco cabana cause half of them were at the one by my house. thomas fell out of the car trying to pee and jose fell asleep in the backseat after burping and yelling why aren't we moving while we were going 70 on the highway. i woke up feeling like a paper bag full of dried coyote poo but it was my last hurrah before settling into a productive rest of the holidays season.

i cant wait to get started on something. paints are sitting staring at me. my brains works harder. need concept and a nap.

ehhhhhhhhh. yep.

its nice and its not but its here and its now.

<3