the basics

i am always awake at this hour.


gross. why cant i write?

im sick with jealousy.
confused by stupid kids.
feeling anxious.

ive been dreaming. like always. these things that happen to me in them are devastating when i wake up. i can do so much in them, im so much more in them, then the alarm has been going off for hours and im late. again. the drive kills the smoke and mirrors, getting out and up into sunlight and customer service ive lost the last of what i can remember as escape. the last one was strange. a huge crater turned amusement park, fake rivers that were almost dry, earthy dark rooms with glass boxes in the centers and the man with the pulleys. suit and tie sunday best. games i dont understand. ugh, its already gone. sleep will come. eventually even to me. i always hope it will bring water meeting purple skies and the boy i inevitably fall for every night. different setting same idea. take me out of this. get me as far from waking as i can get. coma deep i am level and pure. except when i dream about clowns. thats never good news.
[hrm]
mostly its people i cant deal with. this city is so small. too fucking packed with uncomfortably familiar faces and used oxygen. the people i know drive me bat shit. tempers and alcohol. pot and accusations. nonsense.
and you, god im so tired of having to deal with you. no not you darling. not yet but you. you call me and tell me you cant be my friend anymore. that youre in love with me, whatever that means to me anymore, that you think im silly and too loud and that ive broken your heart. you just came back remember? we just fixed the last stupid thing and now this? fantastic. like we were anything to begin with. im left holding the phone and the expression on my face must have been something since tom quickly gets up and leaves. rage. shock and awe. a terrible amusement at the sheer idiocy that is the human race. people are walking talking travesties. simple and ape like almost always. throwing shit and shit fits and passing off lust and sudden bursts of anger as passion and grace. amazing. im shaking my head and almost laughing. it just all seems so silly now. your ridiculous. and i wont miss it. i cant afford to miss you, boy, we had a good go but this is too much. frustrated. ugh. after that fun moment i make a friend come over and saturate him in music and my second hand smoke as i pace and rave and tremble. while these things are lunacy they still shake me. people will always get under your skin. they leave things in your home or in your mind and theres just no way to clear it all out at once. if only. i think im done stringing along while people say they might make time. i dont have enough for myself.







[i hope your enjoying creeping around my blog by the way.]
me, i always love the attention.


god how will i drive home like this.
riled.

i need her soft voice and my girls and my blankets.

word.

god complex

i feel fucking GOOD.

im drunk and halfway to sleepy time.
im full.
im happy.
im danced out.
im complex.
im all things considered.
im this.
we are men.
men is what we are.
tonight was us.
tonight was drinks and beautiful angels waiting to be forgotten.
tonight was movement and total recall.
[without the shitty story line]

right now i can tackle goliath.
right now i can tell god to fucking eat a dick.
right now i can fill his role and make the world happy.
right now i am on top of the whole universe thing.
and i just sing quietly to myself.
i feel the smoke on my skin and save the numbers to the phone.
i abandon the pointless things that are envy.
i tell her shes pretty.
i tell him hes all the same.
i forget the same ol same ol.
i smile at that fact.
there are times we become as humans.
where we give the great and unquestionable fuck you to all that is silly and weak.
this.
this is my turn.
my chance.
my words.
i may be drunk.
sure
but in the end its just me the narcissistic corrupted masochistic fucked the fuck up girl who cant go one day without blogging and eating a ramen.
[heres me feeling lucky]
[heres me feeling happy just with myself]
[heres me feeling on top of the proverbial world]
[heres me]
[at ease]
sigh.
time for sleep.

by the way i am now stephanie the housekeeper.
well see how the new job goes.
well see how it all turns out.

as for anything after...
i only think in days.
tomorrow for instance.
industry anyone?

lets hope so.......


sleep comes.
deep, dark and pleasant.
complacent to fear. brave against prejudice.
it comes.
and i welcome it.



night