california

i started to write this. but i cant do any justice to it.
ive been away from writing for a while.
bah.

i may be too tired to blog.


wait.

i found the strength.


part 1.
The bus ride to.
in list form. [im lazy]
-tom and abe dropped me off at my parents house. they were already cranky and running late. when we left for the bus we had to turn around twice to go back for things forgotten.
-the bus was waiting in the parking lot of the little red barn. no joke. we milled about, me and my family, until it was time to go. about 30 of us total, with sleepy eyes and coffee in our hands. the kids were wide awake.
-we got on the road. it was about 7 am. and hour into the ride i was already exhausted and ready to kill the next screaming cousin that ran by.
-hello new mexico. the trees were thinning. the ground was getting flat. at a rest stop somewhere we had lunch. near the bathrooms the signs blared. SEE THE COUNTRY, SEE THE BEAUTY. all i could see were signs and barbed wire.
-hello arizona. in all the darkness, we missed you the first time around.
-finally. welcome to california. we dropped my dad off at san diego. he was meeting with my great grandma. i didnt see him much after that. the rest of us continued to anaheim.


Part 2
Anaheim
-we settled into our rooms at the super 8. sure we would have loved the ramada next door with its koi pond and chinese bar but if you have any knowledge of mexican logic you'll be familiar with the "hey its a bed and a bathroom dont complain" clause. the older folks rested. the kids crashed and us middle agers were left hungry for entertainment. Me, my mom and a younger cousin decided we were going to find a beach if it killed us and after an hour and a half on the bus ride [and yes there are crazies no matter what state your in] we did just that. The beach was gorgeous. The sand grainy. The water deep deep deep blue, never ending. We stayed long enough to work our calves and steal some sand then we went back. Later we accosted the pool and finally we slept. Our first night. My home state. A cool breeze before bed and a sky vivid with red and blue. Lovely.

-the next day we got up early, put sunscreen on the little ones and headed for the self proclaimed happiest place on earth. Disneyland. Hrmph. It didn't seem quite as happy by the time we actually entered seeing how there were millions of people about and there was a complication with our ticket. This left my mom tres unhappy and me ready to run for cover and back to bed. But we made it in and we separated me with a group and my mom safely with the older ladies. Sure we mostly rode kid rides. Sure the walking Disney characters freak me out. sure it was bloody hot and everything was expensive. But it was all very nice just the same. I did have and altercation with a woman and her two kids and two girls ahead of us in the tower of terror line made me want to tear out my hair, but I wont go into such things. Id much rather forget that they every happened. Sigh. So that was that. After the park I felt like I had been run over then repeatedly beaten. Later me and my older cousins proceeded to get sauced on the veranda of our hotel to forget that children exist and to help us sleep.

-the next day we headed out for the important part of our trip. We picked up my dad and my great grandmother in san diego and headed for the mountains. The ride was tough. I was squeezed in very back of the van [the luggage area to be exact]. Bah. The hills twisted, the trees pushed together and my dad pushed 80. it was all my stomach could take. Throwing up is always better in nature. Hmm. We scattered joey high up in the cliffs and rocks and black forests. It was beautiful and I couldn't help the tears. Funny note. If you've ever seen the big lebowski. My aunt caught a face full of joey by standing downwind like an idiot. It was funny as hell. My grandma screamed. Hah. Im at peace now more than ever. Hes with my mother and hes with nature. Its just how he would have wanted it.

Later that day we went out to eat. The game was on and we were making fools of ourselves as our spurs won. It was funny, my aunts get one rum and coke in them and they act like the Mexican fools they are. Lovely.

-Friday we packed up and left. Me and my mom had a fight and the bus ride was excruciating. Children everywhere, no way to sleep comfortably and my mom and dad at each other.

Ive lost all will to write this blog.

Sigh.

Im feeling a little weird right now.

Maybe more later.

For now.

This.

about that time eh chap?

right oh.

never before in the history of this rather young world has there ever been a boredom fest like today. i swear. mundane goings on. a lack of EVERYTHING. and me stuck in it like a poor little bug of some kind caught in the web/salival leavings of another bug of some kind. fun fucking stuff.
i guess its mostly due to the fact that i was unable to prepare properly for it. i always do usually ...what the hell happened. i know what my job entails, i know what the day usually brings....oy but today. ah. not today. *shakes head*
ive been putting off alot of projects in the name of daytime sleep and night time outings. been placing alot on hold for the sake of putting people on hold at work. where is the goddamn motivation? i thought we has this talk stephanie, thought we breached this here gap. but apparently your nothing more than procrastinating thoughts and an poor planning. good for you. you have all these things you need to do, well fuck that, want to do thus should do. the needs and wants of you rarely coincide but your wants for once [in the strange logic of things] have precidence. your wants are what are going to get you up there. your needs will keep you in line sure, but they wont make you happy. and they wont make you interesting and they wont get you into cocktail parties with the beautiful glitters of the world. isnt that what you really need in the end? that feeling of freedom. the end and the means and all that fucking nonsense. ay. well now look youve just confused yourself. poor girl.


writing has been a solice lately.
as well as drunken pictures and too many hours alone.
but reading has been making a comeback.
i need a few books..... soon.

california for me in early june. to watch him fly free finally. and meet the place my mother calls home. in her current state, there wont be much conversation. but many things to think about.
my home state.
a ride with my father, long and awkward.
me finally seeing the end of the hardest few months of my life.

this will be worth it. and i will make sure it happens.

hmm.