every time i go to the park i feel different. running was impossible before, something i always dreamed about. in dreams i would push harder, throw my arms out, laugh. in real life i'm lip synching, aching, enjoying the wind and sunset, and shocked. miles go by, i'm feeling leaner, stronger and less anxious. some times anyway. it was time to stop thinking about it. nothing was happening.
now. i'm electric.
i try to shake the the voice that keeps repeating mania, i need to believe this is me.
Showing posts with label running. Show all posts
Showing posts with label running. Show all posts
Friday, May 20, 2011
Saturday, November 7, 2009
getting darker
what the hell is up with my dreams lately? theyve been kind of...
so last nights dream right?
right.
im taking my grandmother somewhere. she has to find this bank somewhere in the city so were going. the whole thing is off, im supposed to be driving, but instead we are running next to each other. but we still act like we are in a car. i even have a piece of paper with a gas gauge drawn on it that is moving i swear. huh. so were on highways and were running all around us people are running too, but driving really. understand? yea dont worry. as we run i look around and swear i see a body on the ground but i keep on with my grandmother. then we run up on a group, a very large group cluttering the road ahead and huddled around something. this time i know its a body and its a man. hes splayed out on the high way, basically, squished. we try to move to the right and i almost step in his brains which are everywhere. a man is kneeling over him rubbing his body and moving him to his side. im confused by that. the man flails the dead squished man, and now they are both bloody. i grab my grandmas hand and drag her away. there is a type of exit ramp nearby that feeds into a large building and i gladly follow it. the ramp leads to a type of balcony on top of the building and i look down and watch the blood trail from people who have stepped in bloodied man and made hasty retreat. im a little sick. there are strange red pipe statues and sculptures littered on the balcony, i push through glass doors and make sure shes still with me. its a business office, people walk around and hardly look at us, we follow stairs down and now were out on the smaller more comfortable streets. from here i run on but not with her, now im with a boy i think i cant tell. were hitting back streets and alley ways, just running. i remember feeling exhausted. the boy and i talk while we sprint, its fun almost. we turn down a small alley and i have a hit of memories that ive lived here before or someone i know lived here. i tell him we have to get out of this alley and we run further down the street. then i realize im not wearing shoes. weird. we run towards an open warehouse but stop at the door. i yell this is the coal miners place we have to leave! the ground is wet and the place stinks like smoke and gas. then an engine starts somewhere, loud and terrifying and we run back to the alley. im still leading this boy and i push into a sad looking blue duplex, i know that this is the only way to get through to the other side. the house is near empty, there is a curtain in the corner hanging and hiding what i think is a small bed. i tell the boy this used to be nicer. there used to be things here and i walk on to the back screen door and open it. there is a family there on the porch, alot of little girls and a mom and dad and i say excuse me as i try to slip by. the little girls are laughing and grabbing at my hands and as i walk by the last one she kisses me on the cheek. the mom starts to laugh. now were in the next part of the duplex. its a little nicer than the last one. carpet, furniture and tons of animals. strange colored cats, dogs with paint crusted on their fur, and i think i saw a monkey.... weird we work our way to the back porch but when we open the screen a woman stands there with a scarf over her head at the edge of where the porch drops off about 50 feet. she says oh its you again, do you remember me? you used to come around all the time. i sell blow up mattresses, i sell chanel. you want? im tired now i just want to get out. so i jump. after landing in some bushes and making sure nothing is broken i stand up and now im face to face with the boy following me for the first time. (i recognized him instantly, kinda knew it was you.) i tell him to come on and were running again. this time the dream fuzzes out. and im waking up to 25 tweets (damn you neil and amanda) and jose telling me hes off to work.
i woke up EXHAUSTED.
like DEAD tired. all that running. it was fun to pretend. me the smoker could never do that in real life. maybe i should quit and try. it was quite awesome.
right now im watching a show about prison on discovery. its not very comforting. in fact im sitting here with mingled rage and disgust. ill never understand what makes people so damn violent. so fucked up. look whos talking but i would never hurt another person. ever. not like that. im gonna change it to the food channel....
thats better....
so last nights dream right?
right.
im taking my grandmother somewhere. she has to find this bank somewhere in the city so were going. the whole thing is off, im supposed to be driving, but instead we are running next to each other. but we still act like we are in a car. i even have a piece of paper with a gas gauge drawn on it that is moving i swear. huh. so were on highways and were running all around us people are running too, but driving really. understand? yea dont worry. as we run i look around and swear i see a body on the ground but i keep on with my grandmother. then we run up on a group, a very large group cluttering the road ahead and huddled around something. this time i know its a body and its a man. hes splayed out on the high way, basically, squished. we try to move to the right and i almost step in his brains which are everywhere. a man is kneeling over him rubbing his body and moving him to his side. im confused by that. the man flails the dead squished man, and now they are both bloody. i grab my grandmas hand and drag her away. there is a type of exit ramp nearby that feeds into a large building and i gladly follow it. the ramp leads to a type of balcony on top of the building and i look down and watch the blood trail from people who have stepped in bloodied man and made hasty retreat. im a little sick. there are strange red pipe statues and sculptures littered on the balcony, i push through glass doors and make sure shes still with me. its a business office, people walk around and hardly look at us, we follow stairs down and now were out on the smaller more comfortable streets. from here i run on but not with her, now im with a boy i think i cant tell. were hitting back streets and alley ways, just running. i remember feeling exhausted. the boy and i talk while we sprint, its fun almost. we turn down a small alley and i have a hit of memories that ive lived here before or someone i know lived here. i tell him we have to get out of this alley and we run further down the street. then i realize im not wearing shoes. weird. we run towards an open warehouse but stop at the door. i yell this is the coal miners place we have to leave! the ground is wet and the place stinks like smoke and gas. then an engine starts somewhere, loud and terrifying and we run back to the alley. im still leading this boy and i push into a sad looking blue duplex, i know that this is the only way to get through to the other side. the house is near empty, there is a curtain in the corner hanging and hiding what i think is a small bed. i tell the boy this used to be nicer. there used to be things here and i walk on to the back screen door and open it. there is a family there on the porch, alot of little girls and a mom and dad and i say excuse me as i try to slip by. the little girls are laughing and grabbing at my hands and as i walk by the last one she kisses me on the cheek. the mom starts to laugh. now were in the next part of the duplex. its a little nicer than the last one. carpet, furniture and tons of animals. strange colored cats, dogs with paint crusted on their fur, and i think i saw a monkey.... weird we work our way to the back porch but when we open the screen a woman stands there with a scarf over her head at the edge of where the porch drops off about 50 feet. she says oh its you again, do you remember me? you used to come around all the time. i sell blow up mattresses, i sell chanel. you want? im tired now i just want to get out. so i jump. after landing in some bushes and making sure nothing is broken i stand up and now im face to face with the boy following me for the first time. (i recognized him instantly, kinda knew it was you.) i tell him to come on and were running again. this time the dream fuzzes out. and im waking up to 25 tweets (damn you neil and amanda) and jose telling me hes off to work.
i woke up EXHAUSTED.
like DEAD tired. all that running. it was fun to pretend. me the smoker could never do that in real life. maybe i should quit and try. it was quite awesome.
right now im watching a show about prison on discovery. its not very comforting. in fact im sitting here with mingled rage and disgust. ill never understand what makes people so damn violent. so fucked up. look whos talking but i would never hurt another person. ever. not like that. im gonna change it to the food channel....
thats better....
Thursday, April 23, 2009
i know how she feels
something is wrong with today. its sticky and too warm and heavy and i cant get the golden retriever smell out of my nose. ive been driving too much lately. i knew it would be something when i had a car. knew i would run every chance i get. fleeing from my own home, im getting in the car. engine come on, help me escape. but i always end up somewhere i just want to leave again. its tough. walking talking playing normal and somehow im doing it but inside im going bat shit crazy. theres no structure, so listen up. today was terrible in many ways. funny in some. laughable maybe. the switch in position, the strange return of him, work and the angry phone calls, me slipping and falling. ugh. i saw her face and as i walked to my car i remembered that it was years ago and oh boy were roles reversed. i just laughed out loud. i almost died on the highway today. it would have been messy and loud but at least it would be final.
where am i going?
why is there fog everywhere today. i only talk in riddles now. cant say things in proper form or context. inside jokes and cryptic texts. what is she thinking. will she ever just say yes or no? probably not. its all too much. negative nancy. silly girl.
im tired of this already and i need a shower and a shotgun.
out.
where am i going?
why is there fog everywhere today. i only talk in riddles now. cant say things in proper form or context. inside jokes and cryptic texts. what is she thinking. will she ever just say yes or no? probably not. its all too much. negative nancy. silly girl.
im tired of this already and i need a shower and a shotgun.
out.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
saturation
i have to be up and about in few too many hours. go to bed? pssshhh.
[quick! pull away from the deep spiraling black. think up up up positive up]
things that save me:
-the little red head at work with the bad free style spirit and the ability to make on hell of a cup cake. giddy up.
-coffee with a double shot and caramel and 3 raw sugars.
-my girls, piglet and the jet. my little warriors. my protectors. my spazztastic entertainers.
-recent realizations.
-cigarettes.
-vanilla soy
-the above but with cocoa pebbles.
-late nights.
-driving.
-my duplex with all the lights on and the tv blaring elephant shell.
-drawing little things at work and leaving them in weird places.
-beans in the hoppa.
-black hair dye. sometimes.
-music music music [currently tokyo police club, goldfrapp, the young dubliners, amanda fucking palmer, pj harvey, and elliot smith]
-believing in people that are miles away and still moving. don't look back honey.
-thomas.
-makeovers.
-deep thought in the afternoon hours. when i finally wake up.
-my dreams.
-lunch breaks.
-warm words.
im in combat currently. fighting against the down part of the manic versus the depression. depression is up by alot right now. foul. ugly. sticky. it hurts. bad. and somehow i know i have to turn things around in my head. arms up. guns drawn. fingers itchy im waiting for a moment to move. holding my breath im underwater. fleeing from familiar faces and an even more familiar pain. i hate this. i want to turn my phone off. i want to call in to work and never go back. i want to get in my car and drive just drive to the ocean and run into it. laughing in a way that isnt funny at all. hm. images pour ever and spill into every crevasse of the home that is my brain. the attic has a leak. i have no one to call and im no handy [wo]man. sigh. im up all night. but instead of pacing and chattering im staring and forgetting how to work my xBox. giving up im laying on the couch and the cats crawl on me. maybe they know whats going on. theyre trying to revive me. reminding me to feed them. telling me its going to be ok. but im useless and i reach to touch them but theyve been gone for hours. at work i cant simply cant hold my smile anymore. my regulars tilt their heads and i can only shrug and say its nothing. doesnt matter. and i disappear into the back room to sit and contemplate the dishes. im exhausted i just want to sleep. the bed is huge. the blankets tangle with my hair and im sore everywhere. this is like a bad wellbutrin commercial. im that girl sighing and crying in them. i see myself on there in these commercials for the medication i cant afford. do it yourself doesnt work well with bipolar. ouch ouchie ouch. the things in the list above help. but somehow im always starving for oxygen and scratching my skin. the week just started. awesome.
lets do it.
[quick! pull away from the deep spiraling black. think up up up positive up]
things that save me:
-the little red head at work with the bad free style spirit and the ability to make on hell of a cup cake. giddy up.
-coffee with a double shot and caramel and 3 raw sugars.
-my girls, piglet and the jet. my little warriors. my protectors. my spazztastic entertainers.
-recent realizations.
-cigarettes.
-vanilla soy
-the above but with cocoa pebbles.
-late nights.
-driving.
-my duplex with all the lights on and the tv blaring elephant shell.
-drawing little things at work and leaving them in weird places.
-beans in the hoppa.
-black hair dye. sometimes.
-music music music [currently tokyo police club, goldfrapp, the young dubliners, amanda fucking palmer, pj harvey, and elliot smith]
-believing in people that are miles away and still moving. don't look back honey.
-thomas.
-makeovers.
-deep thought in the afternoon hours. when i finally wake up.
-my dreams.
-lunch breaks.
-warm words.
im in combat currently. fighting against the down part of the manic versus the depression. depression is up by alot right now. foul. ugly. sticky. it hurts. bad. and somehow i know i have to turn things around in my head. arms up. guns drawn. fingers itchy im waiting for a moment to move. holding my breath im underwater. fleeing from familiar faces and an even more familiar pain. i hate this. i want to turn my phone off. i want to call in to work and never go back. i want to get in my car and drive just drive to the ocean and run into it. laughing in a way that isnt funny at all. hm. images pour ever and spill into every crevasse of the home that is my brain. the attic has a leak. i have no one to call and im no handy [wo]man. sigh. im up all night. but instead of pacing and chattering im staring and forgetting how to work my xBox. giving up im laying on the couch and the cats crawl on me. maybe they know whats going on. theyre trying to revive me. reminding me to feed them. telling me its going to be ok. but im useless and i reach to touch them but theyve been gone for hours. at work i cant simply cant hold my smile anymore. my regulars tilt their heads and i can only shrug and say its nothing. doesnt matter. and i disappear into the back room to sit and contemplate the dishes. im exhausted i just want to sleep. the bed is huge. the blankets tangle with my hair and im sore everywhere. this is like a bad wellbutrin commercial. im that girl sighing and crying in them. i see myself on there in these commercials for the medication i cant afford. do it yourself doesnt work well with bipolar. ouch ouchie ouch. the things in the list above help. but somehow im always starving for oxygen and scratching my skin. the week just started. awesome.
lets do it.
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