vent vent vent vent

little things tear at me. devour me.

theres nothing easy about going through days as this. reading too much into movements and words. reaching. if you will. upward and away from the dark spots below. away from the stagnant and pale. this last week has been the most confusing of this year. twisting and butterflies and this new and fleeting emotion i thought was once dead. passion? is that you? too bad. your coming in a weird time. stephanie meets boy, stephanie goes to work, stephanie hears voice she hasnt heard in years and years, stephanie comes to realization. not all of this feels good. but most of it does. delicious and frightening.
the boy. quick breaths and arms locked. being kissed like that hurts. i fell. weak. gave too much. and now its no ones fault but mine that im just a girl again. if anything, a goodbye fuck. weak weak weak weak. i go back to the blogs i wrote before. i always fall for boys the hardest when they are the most impossible to attain. when they are too busy or too intense or too much or ... leaving. maybe its a stigma with me. i just like the rush. maybe im trying to prove i can make them stay. most times they dont and im left breathless and wandering. well see. theres still time for me. i shouldnt care so much about them.
work comes in short bursts. time flies and im reeling at the end of the day, coffee grounds cling to my fingers and the customers names are slurring together. they ask me if everything is ok, but im all smiles and head shaking when im there. makeup and eyelashes flashing. intimidating and strong. the perfect shade of yes sir. maybe. then im in the elevator going up one floor and im sagging against the wall and praying for the strength to straighten and walk out. back into it. these new people are strange. they invite me out and talk and laugh and i take them in and we romp. i like the poeple i work with. sometimes.
the duplex is terrifying and usually too warm. i pace and listen to the music people give me. painting saves me. my cigarettes save me. but not always. i put my fists through my bedroom window the other day. im too dramatic maybe.
[dogs barking and killing each other and i just want the noise to stop]



i dont know how i feel right now! actually its kind of mixed. i feel twitchy and scared and at the same time brave and standalone.

silly.

ridiculous.

jumping guns.

tripping.


what is coming? who knows! in and out and me at the wheel. drunk and heavy with thought.

ugh.

i cant write anymore.

ive lost it.

a sore throat and the things he said

[me to myself]

You're up way too early.

With the bed head and the laundry and the shifting of papers behind you. With all the churning that your stomach is doing. With all the acid there.

You'd much rather be sleeping the starter hours of a coma like 18 hours. Wouldn't you?

What are you doing?

When did you lose control of last week?

Head tilted, brain working, failing.

It was all so nice. Wasn't it?

Hrm.

[end conversation]

Stupid arrogant me. With my questions. And my points.

Yea.

I hurt.

Ugh, all I can think about is that dark club.

What the hell happened? One minute I'm damn near happy. One minute im feeling. Talking. Trusting. One minute I'm beautiful and laughing and dancing and being.

There was a slight shift in shittiness in the world and he walked out of it away from it.

to me.

And I'm not one for hope, believe me. I'm the one talking my friends out of girls and boys. I'm the one with the cigarettes and the bitterness. This isn't me.

[Well maybe for a few hours when the name on the phone tells me to pick up if you want to smile.]

[maybe if only for a few minutes at the end of the night, where he tells me to kiss him]

Arg.

Its very hard not to be agitated at the whole situation.

Because now I'm just a fool girl confused.

Here I see me standing perfectly still except for my hands listening while the walls fall. From nowhere. My own doing I suppose. Or not, I don't know.

It all happened then it all stopped.

And god help me if don't still care about him.

Don't get me wrong, I do have tough skin. I could deal with being downgraded, I could "slow down" or take space. But ask me where my abandonment issues stem from and ill tell you. Things like this. Things like being dropped completely and utterly in one single night. When words fall lifeless between you and the painfully interesting boy standing with a drink in front of you.

[Ouch]

He tells you this isn't the time to talk about it.

You couldn't agree more, but as mentioned before you don't know what the hell happened.

[You just want to know…..]

He tells you he's getting riled up.

Errrr….

[Must be when your emotions betrayed you, is all]

Your eyes fall to the ground.

He tells you not to cry.

You've never felt more like laughing.

[Besides you can hold them back till you get to the car]

He says he wants to be friends- that you'll talk tomorrow.

[Hmmm. Can YOU tell when you're being lied to? Me neither.]

Ask me how I can cry over a boy I've known for a month or so. Ask me how I can care so goddamned much. Ill just cover my face and tell you to fuck off.

Foolish me, letting the ol' guard down.

Sucks too. I really liked that club…..

There is a lot I still have to say, but id rather not say it to you computer.

Sigh.

My dreams are telling me that im wasting time. They take me to school, they make me fall in love, they confuse me in good ways and make me run more than I do in waking hours. Their trying to push me into happiness. They must know that I love them so. Hah. They work hard for me. I try not to let them leave. Most times they around me head for days at a time. Im lucky that way. To be so REM deprived. Lucky.

Last night the dream was in a huge glittering city.

I just remember

-my grandma telling me I was beautiful.

-my aunt running down the street.

-me not being able to spell "parody"

-the floats and the flowers.

Pretty.

Ugh I still feel antsy.

And wouldntcha know it! I'm getting sick. Ay, my throat is killing me and my muscles hurt. I think it may be these diet pills I'm trying, seeing how I did have a slight panic attack last night. I think I may be done screwing with nature.

[stupid god complex and nightly experiments…..]

Rarrr, break out of it Stephanie. Fuck. Soon you'll have clean clothes and maybe you can steal a burrito from your parents. Sweeet.

I need to paint something.

I need to write more.

I need … well a lot.

But I want just as much.

Is this dooming me to be disappointed my whole life?

Is it really as stupid as I feel to have so many expectations for the human race.

I think ill keep my silly perspectives.

Might as well. Maybe one day they'll pan out, maybe one day ill be surprised in that fluttery way again and not have to blog about it later. Maybe.

I like maybe.

Heres to this.

Just this.

whaaaaaat?

just sayin.

im at my dads right now. doesnt seem fair that im always here but i do enjoy his company so. plus we're watching E's most shocking moments in entertainment history. heh. yes we're lame. no i dont care.

i had a weird dream last night. something strange and comforting about a certain person in it made me wonder how it was all happening so fast and so real. there was a buffet and a dance floor and a boat in the end and several high high jumps. bah it doesnt make any sense in main point form but it doesnt bother me. i was there. i woke up at 7 shuddering and laughing. i woke up again almost screaming after falling into the water. i woke up yet again holding his hand begging him to protect me.

how very strange. i dream hard.

oh funny thing. as some of you know our toilets have been shitty lately. "har har". but this morning they work just fine. its nice to remember how to flush a toilet all over again. [gross tidbit, i know]

[my dad is yelling at the tv. you see, he doesnt want to go to the store without seeing the number 1 most shocking event, heh, cute]

god its hotttt.

so lately ive been struggling with my head. if you have read my older blogs im sure you can gather im not all that okay up there. after the stay i had to endure i dont want a repeat but i dont know what to do. im just anxiety, im only questions, im all sharp edges and where to use them. my wrist burns, my fingers are sore and all i can think about is the broken glass falling from the picture frame onto my bed. sigh.
your right abe, i am morbid.
but not because i want to be.
its my nature.
its my comfort zone.

bah.

you know its not that im not having fun in the world. swear. im usually very happy. i just worry too much. i think the happy thoughts but never really get off the ground. its a harsh reality im sure, and one that i will have to deal with. but still. i should be ok.
should be.
i mean, i have [someone] in my head right now that could make me smile with a single nudity reference. hrm. plus he wears suspenders.
you say nobody misses you.
well...

hm.

[sidebar- oj simpson was number 1. my dad was disappointed]

im blogged out.

sigh