of course i love you and of course it's what's inside that matters

but i think the whole charade is ending.

im at my parents doing laundry. i get this whole goddamned house to myself till monday. score.
some things:
i realize now that im not too good at driving on the highway. ugh ive never been so fucking scared before. the guy came out of no where and i was left at northstar mall in saks trying to calm myself down crying and heaving pacing and twitching in the chanel enclosure. the tight clean package of gay man working there came up to me with shock on his face, asked me if i was ok, then softly showed me the exit. i didnt even get to touch the tweed. thats why i went there damnit. urg.
saw abe today. turns out now isnt a good time. and thats all i want to say about it.
i did get to see jonathon today. we met at the old place and talked like before all the drama drowned out simpler things. he was just the shot of fascist sarcasm i needed to feel better and stop my shaking.
got paid today. FUCK YES. under the table mind you, but paid. mmmm. money feels good. i almost forgot how good.
besides all this i dropped off the final paperwork for the apt. we should have news soon. i hate waiting. its not my thing you see, so this is the hardest part. but ill make it. [i guess]
i want to do something tonight. i want to go out and dance maybe. i want to buy tom a drink and smile and forget all of this past shitty week. thats all i want. thank god for giselle, thank god for jon, thank god for tom. its gonna happen. i just dont want to see anyone else tonight. which sucks, this means i cant go to the old and new haunts. seems to me its time to find a new place and play into the old revolving social door theory. test the waters? bump strangers? well see. im not one for the spontaneous conversation and too be honest im feeling rather introverted. [which is weird based on how bad i want to be out. harumph]
ah well.
i would kill a tiny old woman for a lemon and a bag of hot cheetos.
[thats how i roll fool]
i havent dreamt in a few days. this is causing major depression. i wish i could explain furthur but im fucking tired.
sigh

[heres hoping tonight is something]

june 23 holy fuck

so the dresden dolls are having a few shows here in tx coming up.
yes i wanted to go.
yes it seemed hopeless.
until.
i got the bulletin.

"people needed. living statues. expression of sexuality etc etc.
sincerely,
the dirty business brigade."

i emailed.
they answered.

we're in.

stephanie barron.
living statue.

me.

this is what ive been waiting for.

cold brushes on my skin and my mouth taped shut.

for freedom of everything.

for my artistic longing.

sigh.

im so fucking happy.