and marty just stares at me

finally. day off.
psssh. like i don't have months off every year or anything. i am greedy when it comes to time.

i've been in a very good mood lately. think its because of the boy. i don't know what is different this time or why it's working all of a sudden but damn it i'm very much in love. hm. i'm thankful to have someone who takes care of me and loves me like him. it hasn't been easy by any means, i mean try having an angry bipolar artist/lazy bum for a girlfriend. i'm very complicated. and so is he. the beginning was crazy rocky. i left him for a while. but i couldn't not see him, i was connected already by then he was all i saw when i thought of love, holding hands, sex, and friendship. and now we have our little home, our dog, our life. and he brings balance. he brings happiness. he kisses me and tells me that im beautiful when im caught in manic anxiety or crying and useless in bed. he drags me outside, to parks, on walks with the dog, to his moms house, to dinner. he knows just how to make me feel whole, and productive. he encourages my art, says he is inspired by it. and i love watching him on his bike. he has a warm soul. and i love him. last night he said his love for me is like the universe - expanding endlessly. i was 14 again except this time i found the prince charming i never found then.
its all so nice.

strange.

now if only i could address my fear of other people. haha. he still gets confused when i kick and scream at the mention of shopping malls.

my new dog is amazing. marty. he is the coolest little dropped dog ever. i swear he has a voice like morgan freeman. and he is staring at me right now. we have been spoiling the living shit out of this creature, he eats like every hour. and he always tries to sneak into bed. sweetheart. he hates cats but i can get past that.

heh.

[i keep messing with the gaping hole in my mouth. gross]


it's been whirl windy. i swear i don't recognize me. i'm sure i'll be someone else tomorrow. but today is my day off so i'm easy.

time to watch nat geo with the dog.

strangers, grasping, cigarettes, and a need to make changes

sometimes i disappear.

usually its due to indifference, resignation, i dont see a need to participate when the crap of the world is in the air, thick and choking. its better to stay in, stay away from outlets, computers, radio, voices. i dive into books, i touch and i write on paper, real paper. i become obsessed with pens, i throw energy into physical altercations like fighting or sex. everything needs to be proven suddenly. the internet and television is too easy, it gives you the feeling the story the colors. real life is harder you have to go out and get it. so i venture out. finally after weeks of being locked in, and once im out im out. the car gets filled up i get in it and i call every number in my contacts trying to find an accomplice. someone please come with me. its lonely now, after all that pushing i need you finally, are you there. im on my way. its so strange some of my friends have the weirdest looks on their faces, like who are you? this smiling warm stranger, she swears she knows me but i dont remember the color of her hair or the ways her eyes dont hold mine. but her voice is clear now and she wants to pay for everything. i come in small bursts, flaming, burning. i feel the mood swings coming and try to ignore them. sometimes it works. after a time i wear out. i stop calling. stop moving. now your pulling me and im pushing back, its all so familiar. a strange cycle like seasons eating my brain. i swear its like sedation. i want to do things. i want to get on and talk to you but i cant find it in me. i think im coming out right now. the winter weather and the ice and the dog and all the sketches filling up and overflowing in my head its time to actually get things started again. and all the things i want to do cant wait. i dont have alot of time remember eventually the proverbial leaves will turn and the locks will click black and ill be in full fetal mode. but for right now im shaking off the sheets and getting a little excited. ive been away.

i need a cigarette and some paint and i need to get going already.

hm.