books, puffy eyes, caffeine, and anxiety in waiting

equals fantastic (although very early) morning. found a fantastic new book, gods behaving badly, and had good coffee finally. i miss borders, but barnes and noble will do. we must look strange together, him with his star trek sci fi magazines and too sweet caramel macchiato and me with my thick fiction and black americano. i fly through a thousand pages and i am in love with this story! but its time to leave and im sleepy again. (later i catch him on amazon, ordering the book for me, i always ruin surprises.. hee) today im feeling good. ill tell ya its been a long time coming. the roller coaster oh crap this again feeling is never far away but luckily im hitting a high wind this week and im excited and calm and taking full advantage. i hope that lady calls us today and says here are your keys. i NEED to have this apt! its so damn wonderful, steps from broadway super cheap and still absolutely charming. fingers crossed.
ugh work sneaks up so quick.

more later.

meanie

woke up at 4 last night (yes i was actually sleeping) and walked into the kitchen and into a shouting match i wasn't prepared for. my gem of a roommate, a classy baby factory of a girl decided she's had enough! goodness did i move her sodas in the fridge over an inch? did i really put the clean dishes away wrong??? how dare i? honestly we've been at each others throats for a while but i have always just thought let her be stephanie she's an idiot a cunt a brash child and she doesn't know any better but now i'm a little pissed off. she yells at me for moving her shampoo out of MY shower caddy to make room for MY stuff, she stomps and pouts when i finally do laundry for the week and she of course decides that's exactly when she should too, she cries and screams to her boyfriend and they fight because i'm going out during the weekend and they're taking care of unplanned newborn spawn. and you know i have a door and a com and cable and a car so its easy to blow this off but lately shes been taking chances. throwing out phrases like you dont have the right to do this, you dont understand what its like to have nice things etc etc. i really think she thinks i WON'T punch her in the face. oof. silly girl, you cannot be this cruel and stupid and not be punished. i'm sorry. and yes i'm searching the streets for duplexes and new rooms, and i'm getting the fuck out of here, sure, but how is it this angry for nothing ignorant little thing can exist? in the easiest life too. pop out a baby and snag a dumb guy and you can just lay back and shit your life away. she should teach a class on it. hrmph. i just can't sneak around my house avoiding her like this. it makes me feel like a wuss, when in reality im a touch meek and mostly too gentle to really fight.

its conflicting.

but then i pause and its like-

she angers me but i'm still better off. i always think about it. i'm not tethered and my boyfriend doesn't secretly hate me, i love to share my groceries and you can put your clothes in with mine sure, i laugh when you spill something and help you clean it, and i will never tell you what your rights are, as a person i know you are one too, i am in no way rich but i'll give you money for gas and take you to eat, i love others, but you really have to be the right type of other.

can you imagine me on craigslist?

wanted: good people. to live with, to go out with, to read books with, to have coffee with, to dance with, and to scrabble with. <3

see. i'm sure it would work. and i'm sure ya'll are out there. and now, i feel better.

well

happy birthday to me. :)

seattle weather

has surprised us all here in san antonio. its actually cold. rainy. wonderful. ha, our weathermen try to prepare us, they say dont get used to it, the familiar terrible heat comes back next week etc, but for now its sweaters and tea and books on the porch and the ac sits silent.
lovely.
had a dream last night but cant grab details. one of those things where if i start to write ill lose it almost immediately. all i remember is that there was a huge bar (almost shaped like the bonham, but how you you know what that was) it was two stories and it was packed. me and friends and my people from work were lost in this crowd and i had to find all of them one by one to deliver little messages. there were people in clothes that had christmas lights in them, some were holding fish (yes they were dead), and come were playing video games that lined the entrance wall. it was dizzying, there were so many people and all of them were being drunk and strange.
oh well better luck describing the next one lady. haha.
a friend of mine seems to have fallen in love with someone. its tricky and terrifying, but to her its more floaty and addicting. all new love is. if they could bottle that butterfly storm in your stomach i ache when you arent here i cant wait take me now now now feeling im sure everyone would buy it. just stay home and trip on it. anyway. so she meets this girl now in life and falls. there are catches of course, snags in the mature life she already has trailing behind her. things you cant just walk away from. but she thinks wait knows that this woman is what she wants. when she told me i was drunk, so of course i was all about taking it. real life and consequences disappear when you drink, everything is simply romantic and you can do anything and youre not scared anymore. (probably why me and the guys have such moving convos) but anyway. i told her that if this is what she wants then thats all that matters, throw the blinders on - take whats hers!! conquer! ha. its juts now im wondering if that was a good idea. is that the adult in me? im 24 this sat and maybe i shouldnt be so careless with my advice. :/ but thats not like me, i always have a moulin rouge sense of mind. im so confused. but all i could think the next day was about what she has now. her family, her life. and what if this is lust, but what if it IS love and now i just dont know. i dont like doubt. it tastes bad, especially when it comes to something so important in life. i need time to think on this. hrm.
work beckons. i should go.

dear san antonio weather, right now i love you. but only for your rain and breeze. when the heat comes back ill be thinking of other cities everytime you touch me.
-stephanie

waking up with a wine hangover

and its been two months. hm.

my head is pounding and my mouth is too dry, on the phone my mom asks why are you talking like that.

ive been running all over the city and out of it lately. to the country to climb into a crazy awesome tree house crawling with cats, to higher up to austin to go to veggie heaven and get lost on 6th, and here finally. to hunt like a madwoman for an apt, peace of mind, and sushi. and what do you know, success!

its been a weird while, blog.

for a minute there i kind of floated. almost resigned. eh but theres no time for that. instead i got a new job, put gas into my car and never stopped moving. heres me, exhausted.

but really. my dad built one HELL of a tree house. his spirit moves me. hm.

(i seem sad in my last blogs) working on that.

for now! coffee. and a book outside. texas weather is gorgeous today. we can catch up later. yes?

i get

so jealous.

its like girls today are these tiny things, these beautiful things. they surpass everything that i am.

it hurts

just a little.

when i hear the boys i know talking about them. how wonderful and hot they are. i feel terrible.

im this curved not quite perfect thing.

im flawed?

i dont know anymore.

sigh.

just give it to me

because i'm so tired of waiting. and fighting. and working. its like i've been working my whole life. at everything. struggling with my own brain, with the people around me, with all these puzzles and obstacles and yet i've come 2 feet and fallen 12.
seriously.
im ready to lay down and beg. maybe. thats an extreme point to reach. but im almost there.
i mean.
i find these little moments in my life. these little tiny sparklers of intense good and warmth. they come in and out. one minute im destroyed or destroying, and then poof, hello this feels nice im smiling what is this, then poof again and oh this again.
i. repeat. too. much.

and this blog is already old news.
sigh.



i need rescue.

plural? hardly.

well my week here is over. tomorrow i get on a bus and settle in for 23 hours of good old fashioned boredom and as much sightseeing as you can do from a moving window.
san antonio waits for me. a little miffed i just ran off like that. she'll forgive me.
i dont know how excited i can be about this.
oh well.

its so late. ive made the complete transition to night animal. score. it always happens by accident and im not always ready for the return trip to working walking talking human. chain smoking and creeping on the internet has become a staple. coffee and infomercials. old friends.

i finally discovered twitter. been cheatin. ha.

sometimes when people hook up you know its magic and you wish it could be you.
bullet system. hello old fried.

lately ive had alot of mixed feelings. mostly jealousy and boredom. ive been working hard, painting and planning, but i still dont know if this is what i want or if im just passing time.

well.

im sure it will all work out. right now my brain is scoffing, but im determined.

time to rest. goodbye atlanta. i must resume my roles tomorrow.

Something about nighttime makes me itch. Too much to plan and no structure doesn't help.

Its too much to sleep.

Wait. This is all very confusing. I wish i could understand tone and context better. Sigh.

today

i went to the georgia aquarium in atlanta! it was really amazing. the animals were breathtaking. there was tons of salt and freshwater displays. even otters. my head could explode. it was massive. like 8 million gallons of water and and incredible color changing ceiling in the main entrance. sure kids and people were absolutely everywhere, but i couldnt take my eyes off the creatures in these wonderful roof tanks and open sandbar, it was enough to ignore that i got kicked in the shin twice and nearly tripped when a woman with a camera bigger then my head bumped me. i mean they had these huge i mean huge majestic whale sharks that they had literally just received and they were massive. they were part of this cool water tunnel and we watched them float by over our heads with hammerhead sharks and bright little fearless fish that schooled around the beasts like colorful wisps of smoke. they had these beautiful beluga whales too, and you could swear these guys knew they were being watched, they were so graceful and charming. the otters were the best part. the smaller ones were sleeping in an adorable pile and the larger one was playing with bright toys and really showboating. i laughed hard when me and this little girl next to me made the same oh my god thats too cute noise at the same time. i dont know it felt like i was a kid again. the whole place was incredible. here are some highlights:








afterwards we got some great shots of the surrounding downtown atlanta. i gotta say the city is big. i mean we have some nice skyscrapers in san antonio but my goodness, this city is full of landmarks and the most intricate architecture. the cnn, coca cola, home depot and ups home bases are here. our amazing cab driver, kofi, who is form ghana, drove us around and showed us what was where, good places to eat, where not to go without a knife and life insurance, and he told us about his intensely hard working life. oh we went to the olympic park and saw the torches, drove by every stadium and i marveled at just how GREEN everything. the highways were lined with trees, much like florida, with vines that wrapped the trees and almost made them seem like statues. i swear i saw an elephant and a bird perched on a huge arm chair. heh. it was exhausting and fun. more highlights:

Its been a long night. Nice to know mobile blogging will comfort me at least. Word.

wake up

nothing is free.
they might try to tell you it is. no strings attached and whatnot.
liars.
you will always pay.

system error [pleasant surprises]

in the last few weeks i have

-found an old friend. reconnected.
-danced to a great 80's cover band.
-filed for unemployment for the first time.
-painted like crazy.
-had some really good food and conversation.
-learned about brain disorders and antipsychotics.
-smiled. alot.
-missed blogging.
-longed for someone.
-fled temporarily to georgia.


hooray.

nice days are the shortest but it dont have time to mind.

its been a long time, but finally, a dream

its a little choppy and i just fell out of a sort of bed so ill ignore my back and eat a cookie and get it out.

it starts with me going to a huge house on a hill with family. im probably a little older than i am now, maybe 30. the house is old and everyone is milling on the porch waiting for the cue to go inside. we are visiting and uncle. hes very old and we have to be gentle with words and hugs, so says the head woman of our group. i dont recognize anyone. am i related to these people? we finally filter in, the rooms are dimly lit by strong outside light through heavy gauze like curtains. dust and and a stale taste are prominent. the bottom floor is very open. like a loft. with support beams and very few walls. in the largest room of the first floor there are children running. a dusty christmas tree is sagging against one of support beams. i walk through this room looking around me trying to find something familiar in the faces. by the tree i see a teenage girl pulling down a string of lights that had been stapled to the ceiling. a young boy is near her and she holds the lights out to him. they crackle and buzz and flicker on and off. my stomach turns. i find another room, this one full of adults. they stand around a bed with a heavy wooden frame and too frilly lace blankets. a small man lays in the bed. this must be the person we are here to see. the adults stand around him like disciples, leaning in and touching him every so often, though he never says a word. i want to leave now but as i turn to get out i hear the little boy from earlier screaming. the teenage girl runs past me in the hallway with smoke billowing from her liek she is on fire. shes crying i think but theres no time. in the main room the boy is rigid and open mouthed. no sound now but the sizzle. a man hits him with a huge wood stick and the boy slides to the floor. i find a bathroom and throw up. in the mirror my hair is brown and blond and very long with waves. i look older. but still tired. like now. i leave the house.
now im in a car and its nighttime. the man driving is blurry and i cant really see him well. theres another man behind me who looks like jim from the office. [probs because i had watched the entire fifth season before going to bed last night] he has his hand on my shoulder, i think we are together, i feel strong warm feelings for him. we are going down a steep hill and i realize we are going to back to the uncles home. my stomach drops i dont want to go. we are trying to find the house going much too fast down this hill. finally i spot it we skid and stop. all the lights are out. im quietly thankful. the man behind me [love] says ok thats it we are going to the seventy six. its right up there. he indicates a tall tower in the distance with a glowing orange ball at the top of the lightning rod. we go. we're on a highway now and its pouring rain. the cars around us cant handle it and some of them crash into medians and each other. they slide all around us and we struggle. i notice that the water isnt just coming from the sky there are hoses on either side of the highway pumping water out onto the road. im scared. as we drive i notice that the cars ahead of us are changing. into people. a purple car changes into a woman in a purple dress and she skids and slides and as i watch her the road turns into a bar with hardwood floors and tall windows. somehow we are standing in the bar too. i look around. at the top of the tower the view is amazing. there are alot of people and the man im with gets me a drink. in the corner of the bar another man sits on a pile of clothes. hes giving out pizza slices. this is all so confusing. there is no taste the beer is flat and the people seem bruised and shadowed. its very creepy. finally we are leavingbut as we leave the doors i realize that we arent leaving the tower but the house where [my?] uncle lives. what?? geez. the boys are ahead of me going towards the car when and old asian man leaps from the bushes to my right and pushes a finger into my throat. i warned you! why would you come here?! you are cursed!! hes screaming and jabbing me. hard. i yell at my man and he runs to us, pushing the old man away from me, pulling me into his arms. we walk away like that holding each other tightly. i dont want to let you go he says and i laugh then dont. as we walk past the yard i look and swear to god see a capybara [wikipedia it] chasing a small squirrel. he pulls me away from it when i start to cry. then hes letting me go and im waking up.

the end.


whooooo. what a dream.

what a state im in. sitting here in someone elses pajamas and trying to work through the rush in my head.

back to work.

again

and again.

the big circle embraces me just as im finally turning against it.

you bastard.

yep i got

fired.

the end.

concept found, a visit, decency. and the ground still shakes beneath me

ive been working. hard. i dropped so much money on supplies i found i had forgotten anything else and now ill starve happily while falling asleep with paint under my nails and the shadows of huge canvasses seen faint in the dark. ive completed 2 pieces so far. and me and tom found our idea while he described his process and i fretted over new gashes. the show will be called Skin and the Third Step. its about elasticity and coverage. the control of masochism and how you should sometimes ignore the first and second thought and work in the complexities and vagueness of the third. somehow we'll work it out and create something beautiful. excited.

[more]

my grandparents are going to be in town tomorrow. sigh. time to face this. the family thing. i dont want to.

[more still]

[i was going to type something her but lost my train of thought]

i am

-tired.
-confused by the residual feelings of a not quite relationship that never really was.
-brain dead from over thinking.
-smoked out.
-wondering how people can be so rude. really? this is how youre acting?
-scared for my job.
-sleeping on a couch.
-driving without a license with expired stickers.
-daring you to say something.
-obviously in the mood for a scrap.
-pulling my hair back.
-stable in a lying sense.
-fucking off balance.
-swimming in my dreams. alot. what does this mean.
-going to turn my phone off. i bother too many people too late at night you see. i want to call and scream into it. call anybody. i spill out in my texts. some people sleep with one another and wake up in regret. i text deep feelings and wake up the same.
-crushing on a girl at work. nothing new to me. just surprising.
-not enough for some.
-pretty charming. when in the right light.
-laughing at myself.



time to drive.

homie, i don't know, she's hot and cold

that's it.

snap.


done.

i just can't anymore.