put me to sleep

in this state i may fight.


its so early.

how do people give in so easily. is it so hard to say no? so hard to put forth effort and realize that physicality is simple and emotion is strength?

who knows.

ive always been a fighter. bared teeth and knuckles and me reaching towards your face.

[direct hit]

i feel more powerful, seeing images of weak and destructive people.

for as destructive as i can be, i have the sense of personal respect so rare these days.

just say hello darling, dont slip.

sleep is attacking me.
[deep and black and soothing]

fine.

just this once.

dear anyone, care of the interweb

its about that time. when i look for small silver things, put the music on way too loud, go into iso mode and wonder what the hell is going on. out there and in here.

kanye west is a fucking poet. christ. too bad hes also a douche bag. its ok. hes got me moving in this chair. got me feeling gangsta without a clue. got me smiling.

lately i've been avoiding my roommate. and subtle guy he is he calls me on it. it was awkward needless to say when he poked his head out of the door while i was smoking and asked. so, where have you been? i never see you anymore, you avoiding me? um. no.... ive been sick. and at my dads. um no thanks i don't want a shot, no its ok really, ugh, fine. make it a small one.
[5 shots later i was throwing up and cursing because i really was sick, sweet]

im at my parents house for the next two days. alone. i have no cigarettes, too much coffee and sugar, this computer and the house has a bad roach problem. god help me.

i typed a dream here then accidentally erased it. go me.

whats up with this headache? you've been here for 4 days now. you creep and stab when i move my eyes or when i try to eat. fun.

i wish someone would call me right now. this house is big. and scary and making noises i don't recognize. i miss my apt and the xbox and my dumb ass cats already.


help me im lost in my own physical pain and sabotage.

but what could you do, eh?

hmm.

last night

a list

i am
-fucking hungover. urrg.
-weightless [but only in my head]
-waiting for john and giselle to wake the FUCK up so i can go get food. fuck, you guys.
-still seeing tom defending us at the bar. valiantly i might add.
-in love with shiner now.
-still confused at to why a british pub has even a cubic square inch of nonsmoking area.
-changing cigarette flavors to camel infused.and yes i am that serious of a smoker. [pray for me]
-a little embarrassed
-still laughing from when we told giselle we applied at nationwide and she asked "wheres that bar?"
-still fucking sleepy.
-excited about tonight.

last night was much needed fun. we went we laughed we drank. it was nice not having a little black lining of fear on the whole night. it was nice just wearing whatever instead of mathcing my black to black. it was nice curling smoke sround my fingers as i leaned in to hear new things from the artists around me. we could have been anywhere. plus there was the super cool element of having jon act as our personal bodyguard. he even looked the part with the ear piece and everything. [sadly he just works for mad dogs but a girl can pretend right?] what was funny was that it wasnt even him who was the big strong man for the night, it was tom. two douche drunk McNobodys walk up to our table and catch us talking about a girl at the next one. i swear their like what you two talking shit for. i was just like no no no no i just admire her confidence. drunk 1 says why. i say well i dont know cause we dont have much. giselle has a funny look on her face. shes like yea. they go into this whole thing about havent you seen a mirror and blah blah fucking blah when tom walks up and drunkenly and in the most polite way asks them to fuck off. these ladies are with me. priceless. the whole time jon is behind us watching. it was just gross because they stank and drunk 2 was touching giselle. ugh. men in bars. wonderful. but tom was our puerto rican knight in shining drunkness. yesss.

i want to go to the industry tonight. and you know what, i am goddamnit. its weird going out and having the money to do it. i love this feeling. and the car. i love that too. the one thing im worried about is running into folks. right now, there are just some people i dont want to see. but you know seeing how last night was soo good, i think ill give the weekend another go. heres to otpimism.

now if youll excuse me im gonna go wake those fuckers. if i woke up before them, somethings wrong. maybe they died. hrmmmm.

heh.

the criminal mindset, 19 in que, and me the bitch

aaah my first real work day in weeks it feels like. im fucking bushed people. the calls were rolling in, nothing interesting, nothing new, smoking or nonsmoking sir?, are you bringing shildren ma'am? and then keith merritt came into our world. this fucking guy. oy. amusement and a little sadness stirs into my feelings for this man. he calls each of us, i swear, telling us sob stories and wondering how could they NOT put me through? im a 7 stars member, service me whore of the reservations and get me my damn room! its a game of slap and tickle to this man, who doesnt spend nearly enough for us to take him seriously [and yes, we are those people, the money money if you dont got it you dont have a place to stay people]. finally i take pity and call a casino hostess. her tired voice is full of ive been taking bullshit all day tones and i cant tell her blond hair is pulled back away from her eyes and her mouth is still smelling of the bourbon in her desk. she picks up and says "let me guess. its keith isnt it, i fucking knew it. hes trouble i tell you. trouble. put him through". i do, and moments later the boy in front of me is saying "well mister merritt im sorry for the inconvenience we'll see what we can do for you, what? dont transfer you? ok, ill get you all set up......what the fuck is up with these people? i know work talk is boring, but funny to note, and fun for me to type about. hey, its the only fucking thing i had today, this man, and me trying to imagine him in his seedy apartment planning to come and rape our premises with his wiles and brunt speeches about being "one of the main points of financial aidings". sigh. ill stop now.

its been 5 years strong. thats much too long for me. [if you dont have a stephanie de-coder just stop thinking on it]


vonnegut died. i just really found out today. warren ellis' blog and the daily show clips. im a little down about this. our amazing minds are slowly drifting succumbing to the to new ones still alive and copying the ones lost. this mixed with the blaring cnn reports about the 33 dead kids in VA have me worried about the impending doom of our world. im sorry you guys, that your dead. im sorry that fucking asshole chained the doors closed. but have no fear, thousands of kids will always remember you as the reason for one of the my chemical romance songs at the concert tonight, apparently they sang it for you. sigh. [sometimes i should just shut the fuck up.] but in all seriousness i hope that asian fucktard is pleased in whatever hell he had waiting for him when he blew himself away. sigh. this day was full of death. watching the people in that city with the cold nothing in their eyes and the "i cant believe it... not here... not in this town" cuts makes me a little sick. and he probably thought he was doing everyone a favor. [the bitter laughter comes to me here]

oh and i give damn good fucking advice.

just wanted to make that known.

there is so much more i have to say. but id rather make duane take me to get cigarettes.

i need the yellow fingertips and the light head to get to sleep.