strays, paintings (finally), and a dream

firstly ill get this to you. ive been meaning to share as it is. these are my most recent along with one of toms. (very talented) on the black one, jupiter complex, there have been additions and revisions but that will be posted later. so yea. go on.

PAINTINGS


last night was monday. right? think so. we went to the boys brothers house and had a pretty interesting conversation on the porch, all the while being accosted by neighborhood cats and small children. eventually it was getting down to pretty rough deep talk and me well i wasnt up for it. these people were strangers! i was curling up. we left. i felt like i had failed. all the gusto i had earlier in the day i was so ready to get out and talk to people and be just there. ehhh. bed and the late night tv curse were a little more appealing. i had the longest deepest dream ever.

so.

im definitely a boy. in the dream. ahem. im younger like 15. something is wrong, i think ive lost someone close to me. i have a little group of friends with me. were in this huge house massive mansion something. i hear voices in the other room so i follow them and my friends follow me. as i walk into this massive ballroom i see that the room is actually split down the middle by this shimmering wall almost like water. i walk up to it. people are standing in front of the wall and talking in hushed tones, hurried and a little upset. i see movement behind the moving surface and a girl appears. shes beautiful, blond tiny waist completely stylized but so very appealing. i reach through the surface and dont even think i just grab her and pull her through shes falling into my arms crying a little shes says im so happy to see you, i hate being stuck there and its all coming back to me. shes mine we are in love and totally and utterly cursed. shes banished from my world or some shit and im trying to get her back. but i think shes here now, ive got her and we kiss. shes so small and she smells amazing. but then she starts to scream my fingers! i look and her nails are falling off turning into dust. the tips of her hair blow away, shes buckling. i push her back through the surface and im flung into it too. she falls to the ground, back to normal, and i dont feel good. she pushes a flower into my hand then me back through the wall. we look at each other and she cries. she has bright purple eye makeup. it strikes me that theres no time to waste. a woman behind me tells me that im changing the future and she hands me a pile of books and sketch pads. me and my friends leave. were on a grassy hill. i get the feeling that everyone is leaving in my family, on a trip. i tell my friends we have the house to ourselves. we should go there, have a party.
[something fuzzy happens here..]
instead we end up on a roller coaster, trying to read the journals and pretending like detective work is this. when the coaster stops we hold open the book and i see names and lines and lines of writing, done neatly and in female hand. the lines all say the same thing - my name is ______. i cant quite read the name, its written a thousand times. the roller coaster starts up and i let go of the journal. in my head im thinking whats love anyway. ill find another. this is too hard.
[something else happens]

and i wake up to the boy kissing me goodbye.

confused and shaken, i demand to know what the hell my brain is thinking.

i always fall in love in my dream. and i cant ever stand straight after the ones that break my heart. this one was too real. ive never felt the want so deep. but at the end the seperation was too easy. and thats what scared me the most.


gotta try to salvage today. ill walk the dog for now.

last night

a list

i am
-fucking hungover. urrg.
-weightless [but only in my head]
-waiting for john and giselle to wake the FUCK up so i can go get food. fuck, you guys.
-still seeing tom defending us at the bar. valiantly i might add.
-in love with shiner now.
-still confused at to why a british pub has even a cubic square inch of nonsmoking area.
-changing cigarette flavors to camel infused.and yes i am that serious of a smoker. [pray for me]
-a little embarrassed
-still laughing from when we told giselle we applied at nationwide and she asked "wheres that bar?"
-still fucking sleepy.
-excited about tonight.

last night was much needed fun. we went we laughed we drank. it was nice not having a little black lining of fear on the whole night. it was nice just wearing whatever instead of mathcing my black to black. it was nice curling smoke sround my fingers as i leaned in to hear new things from the artists around me. we could have been anywhere. plus there was the super cool element of having jon act as our personal bodyguard. he even looked the part with the ear piece and everything. [sadly he just works for mad dogs but a girl can pretend right?] what was funny was that it wasnt even him who was the big strong man for the night, it was tom. two douche drunk McNobodys walk up to our table and catch us talking about a girl at the next one. i swear their like what you two talking shit for. i was just like no no no no i just admire her confidence. drunk 1 says why. i say well i dont know cause we dont have much. giselle has a funny look on her face. shes like yea. they go into this whole thing about havent you seen a mirror and blah blah fucking blah when tom walks up and drunkenly and in the most polite way asks them to fuck off. these ladies are with me. priceless. the whole time jon is behind us watching. it was just gross because they stank and drunk 2 was touching giselle. ugh. men in bars. wonderful. but tom was our puerto rican knight in shining drunkness. yesss.

i want to go to the industry tonight. and you know what, i am goddamnit. its weird going out and having the money to do it. i love this feeling. and the car. i love that too. the one thing im worried about is running into folks. right now, there are just some people i dont want to see. but you know seeing how last night was soo good, i think ill give the weekend another go. heres to otpimism.

now if youll excuse me im gonna go wake those fuckers. if i woke up before them, somethings wrong. maybe they died. hrmmmm.

heh.