last night

a list

i am
-fucking hungover. urrg.
-weightless [but only in my head]
-waiting for john and giselle to wake the FUCK up so i can go get food. fuck, you guys.
-still seeing tom defending us at the bar. valiantly i might add.
-in love with shiner now.
-still confused at to why a british pub has even a cubic square inch of nonsmoking area.
-changing cigarette flavors to camel infused.and yes i am that serious of a smoker. [pray for me]
-a little embarrassed
-still laughing from when we told giselle we applied at nationwide and she asked "wheres that bar?"
-still fucking sleepy.
-excited about tonight.

last night was much needed fun. we went we laughed we drank. it was nice not having a little black lining of fear on the whole night. it was nice just wearing whatever instead of mathcing my black to black. it was nice curling smoke sround my fingers as i leaned in to hear new things from the artists around me. we could have been anywhere. plus there was the super cool element of having jon act as our personal bodyguard. he even looked the part with the ear piece and everything. [sadly he just works for mad dogs but a girl can pretend right?] what was funny was that it wasnt even him who was the big strong man for the night, it was tom. two douche drunk McNobodys walk up to our table and catch us talking about a girl at the next one. i swear their like what you two talking shit for. i was just like no no no no i just admire her confidence. drunk 1 says why. i say well i dont know cause we dont have much. giselle has a funny look on her face. shes like yea. they go into this whole thing about havent you seen a mirror and blah blah fucking blah when tom walks up and drunkenly and in the most polite way asks them to fuck off. these ladies are with me. priceless. the whole time jon is behind us watching. it was just gross because they stank and drunk 2 was touching giselle. ugh. men in bars. wonderful. but tom was our puerto rican knight in shining drunkness. yesss.

i want to go to the industry tonight. and you know what, i am goddamnit. its weird going out and having the money to do it. i love this feeling. and the car. i love that too. the one thing im worried about is running into folks. right now, there are just some people i dont want to see. but you know seeing how last night was soo good, i think ill give the weekend another go. heres to otpimism.

now if youll excuse me im gonna go wake those fuckers. if i woke up before them, somethings wrong. maybe they died. hrmmmm.

heh.

[ ]

the title????

Hooray blogging.

[my little lover]

I reallllly need a com.

I mean.

I've made several attempts to write at home. Tried the primitive paper and pen method. It all makes me sick really. Bah. And now, of course, I'm here at the computer and nothing is happening.

Urrrrg.

Oh god my stomach sure is happy though. Haven't had my moms cooking in a while, haven't watched the family cat eat a pigeon in a while, haven't had a goddamned calm moment in a while.

Nice.

Since we've last talked gentle readers I've fallen a bit out of line. Been drunk quite a bit through these patches. [silver lined steel, green glass mickeys]….Winged most of the conversation and explanations. [but you don't understand, and no I don't remember] Yet I have to say I've come out on top if not hanging from a nail. It's been a decent goings on. I got a few answers, cried in public, danced to goodbye horses, hugged Charlie and taken an extreme liking to a funny little game called phase 10. decent.

I stop typing here.

And think about cigarettes.

Heh.

Addiction. It's fucking wonderful.

Now, on a new note, in the ways of thinking. And dreaming. I've been all over the fucking place.

I've been cur-azy.

Last night I had a vivid blue dream. I was at school- High school for some reason. The structure was winding and brick. Beige walls and open classroom doors. Me and tom were walking through the streams of people. It was like classes were only in session for a few minutes before bells were ringing and the halls were full again. We saw Todd over by the attendance counter signing in for something. We walk over to him and tell him we're ditching and that he should come, that the water was calling us and the sand was packed perfect. [?] We start for the back exit. I glance in every other classroom and see people I know sitting and talking. They whisper about disappearances. They wave at us and turn back again. Finally we hit the doors and run full speed straight out. The ocean laps at the beach that runs parallel with the school. The water is rich and blue and calm. We run down the beach feet digging into the sand, which is wet like rain had just visited. Todd laughs and dives in. we see cops coming down at us, I don't waste anymore time. As I enter the water it isn't so much a feeling if being wet as it is warm and enveloping. Tom grabs me and we splash. I wake up.

It's very interesting.

I just remember

-the sensation of being very, very, very small in the extensive sprawl of ocean.

-the sand packed so firm I had to dig with my nails to make the hole.

-the sound of the bells between classes and the reverberations.

Saturday the end of the night came around and I was in super Kierkegaard mode. The night had been a little rough. The club was fun sure. But the icy hand of things unsettled was around my waist and the words of a hesitant friend struck me louder than any song that night. I felt all alone in the middle of the smoke and the lights. I felt like I was fighting a pointless war.

"If you cant love yourself then you cant love anyone else"

Hrm.

How do words of wisdom work when all you can see through the blur is red then blue then red again?

Well?

Ah well.

As I was saying the end of the night was me and Abe and a case of beer, out on the porch, drunk, and in my case belligerent, cigarettes and me rambling and rambling about the existential queries that plaque me day by day.

I know I was quite poetic at times.

And thoroughly depressing the rest.

All in all.

I found my center that night.

For a second I had it.

Then I was sober in the morning and the conversation was gone.

See.

Easy.

yes.