take me out of the coma doctor

last night i had a very strange dream.
im pretty sure i had a glimpse of hell.

i was in a group. we were huddled close together and there was a woman leading us. we were in a vast empty city. everything was gray. everything was silent. she told us we were about to get a heads up of sorts. our leader, dressed to match the bricks behind her.
she said.
this is where you might come after. this is one of two places where your always welcome. it just depends on how you choose.
she leads us into a building. its cold and damp and nothing moves. shower curtains hang from the walls. she moves them aside as she walks by them.

what i see in the holes cut into the walls is too horrible to write about.

some points worth remembering:
-the smell. the smell of people laying with medicine moving in them. the way it came to me in waves.
-the one person i never in my life could ever believe would go to hell.
-the look on the girl next to me when she found her mother.
-pulling the iv out of his arm, just hoping he would wake up. the black stuff that seeped out.


after the main part of the dream i went to a bar in purgatory. swear.

i woke up in a hurried daze. pulling at my arm, hoping i wasnt in one of those holes.

it was 8:00 pm.

i was almost asleep for 20 hours.


jeezus.

the past few days have been the most worrisome yet. an unhealthy dose of 151 and weird people from my apt complex hasnt helped. im pretty sure tom is concerned. but there isnt much anyone can do when the feeling gets to me. the other morning i was wasted beyond all repair and found my way into the woods near my apt complex with zach and some of his friends. seriously, people live in the trees out there. we found a litle city. it scared me and made me sad. i stole a bicycle wheel and a fire extinguisher. how perfect. i remember bits from the morning, most of it is me chasing them to keep up and getting cuts on my feet and fingers. ill never forget how ghetto swiss family robinson it all felt. the trash bags clinging to wood pieces and the wire ladder leading to someones idea of home. the swing, the cat grave, the path and the broom. strange. i then proceeded to go home and throw up while muttering "people in the trees" to tom as he tended to me. what a morning.

yep.

only certain folks have experiences like that. in a sick way im blessed.

hrm.

i just realized ive only been awake for 10 hours.

lovely.

ugh

bad things a foot.

cats getting bit by snakes. circumcision. migraines.

wonderful.

good thing it rained or my night would be a total loss.

sometimes

i dont know exactly what im feeling. one minute im at home. getting drunk. again. one moment im in a car with an old friend. one moment im done with working. one moment its 5 in the morning. again.

sometimes you just want to walk down a misty road. you want to feel the swell of air a car leaves right as it flies by you. sometimes its the same. only with a person. that moment your hair moves with the wind. the smell. god that smell. someone else. someone going home or to a bar or to a another person.

ay. thoughts.

there are times when you just want to be touched. on a dance floor, on a sidewalk, on a bed. those times. those passionate nothing times. its easy to regret those times. but hard to forget. people fuck, they kiss, they fight they die. people are alot of things. but they are never insignificant. no matter how hard you tell yourself they are.

we drive. its dark. its cold. maybe windy. first stoplight. close your eyes lean back and open them. gray of a car ceiling, black of a starry sky. red light green light. decisions are made in moments like these. a thousand thoughts and no time. second stoplight.you still feel the air but all the windows are closed. you decide... i better not. i better not. i cant. im weak. but the sky still says yes. over and over.

what to do.


who to call.

they cant possibly understand.

people fuck. people kiss. people lie. and they never ever have the decency to even look you in the eyes while they do any of it. its a game. too much fun. a thrill. a fleeting moment of existence.

who knows where it all ends up. the trash pile of filth that is memories.

fun fun fun. fun.


till then im still reeling.

ive just discovered something.


im one of them.

lately

I am
-trying not to feel bad about anything i did to him. not even feeding the dumpster his junk.
-attempting to slay the stafford dragon of sallie mae to in turn rescue the damsel that is my education and future.
-laughing at the last line.
-trying to explain to my mother what a BLOG is.
-starving, shaking and smoking too much today. those commercials were right depression hurts.
-missing my dog. shes right here and we both seem to know she cant come home with me.
-worried about tom. hes working too hard. supporting me. trying to find a way to love me when im so goddamned combative. hes a trooper. i love him in ways unknown to most.
-waiting to go home so i can finish that new painting. its so pretty. urrrg.
-dreaming of women. alot.
-tired.

ive been trying so hard to get work. lets hope im successful soon. we finally got cable. i am now a hermit. too much americas next top model marathons. their ruining my life. good eats, no reservations, project runway. kill me kill me kill me.

heres to the stomachache and the headache.

heres to the chipping nail polish on my fingers and giselles pictures from another country with the works of my idol. heres to the acrylic on my jeans. yes i am one of those girls.

i should have said thanks career point. then i wouldnt have to be so poor. just embarrassed.

hah. what an ending.

deep breath

right back atcha douche bag.
right. back. atcha.

stephanie is upset.
why?
becuase of liars and their cunt girlfriends.
because of stuff. inanimate stuff.
because of tiny dicks and premature ejaculators.

you know. that guy i used to live with abe.

fuck him. FUCK HIM.

that is all.

creepy

im in jons house waiting for him to get out of the shower hoping his dad doesnt come home right at this moment and wondering how much half price will give us for our pathetic attempts at books. [me and his dad would have nothing to talk about you see, spare henry rollins apparently] my stomach is killing me. not a scientifically explained pain but more of a im down to 4 cigarettes and i promised i would quit pain. i did it right this time. used the impending disappointment of my friends instead of the pride i would have in myself. i dont care much for pride anyway. [shit shit shit, why did i tell everyone i know i was doing it this time, really fucked myself here. and in the peak of cold smoking weather. fuck] ah well. and guilt trips ALWAYS work better and im sure this time, ill be doing my lungs a favor. they might appreciate it and let me live a little longer eh? i better stop thinking about this. the house im in is lived in, warm and the things hanging on the walls make me wonder if all the talk of broken homes isnt really just a myth we tell our kids to scare them. i wonder. when i walk back outside and the cold wraps around my fingers will i miss the mountains again. too much thought for this little blog. and i hear jonathan coming.

a letter

dear joey.

hey baby.
its me your big sister, writing you from here. from a place you may remember. what am i saying. you havent even been gone long.
the whole family is here sweetie. see us? your birthday is tomorrow after all. we even got you a cake. one of the ones i always said were too sweet, but you always used to love. i even made dip.
how are you?
are you ok?
i cant stop thinking about things we should be doing right now little brother.
you would have been 21 tomorrow.
i should be taking you to bars.
i should be showing you the ropes.
you should be laughing with me and my friends and being irresponsible with us.
i should be buying you cds and taking you to spurs games.

i shouldnt be holding rosary beads and trying not to cry in front of mom and dad.

god i miss you.

if you can hear me please know i love you joseph.

its really hard down here when my better half isnt available to make me smile and take me out of my dark places. you were always the only one who could. like me to you and your sickness.
its hard.

anyway.

just hug our mom and try to find the dog. theyll take care of you.

i love you baby.

-your big sister.

just a little bit.

and no the missing part of the title is not "wiggle it"

urg. it seems like myspace is a great place for revenge or cheap shots. and for some reason it works. every time. maybe im just too dramatic like craig says. or maybe i just need to stop getting on the damn thing. too many maybes and nothing gets done.
heres me. slumped over the keys, staring outside at the monster my puppy has become. too much hair. i still remember when i shaved you.
talked to turkey today. its strange to hear his voice and the pauses and the sarcasm. i thought for sure i could compare him to anyone else but the way his voice curves is all his own. i miss him.
thank you, US Army. for fucking up all my friends.

anyway.

ive been working alot lately. doing alot of people watching. secretly lusting. too much walking. staring down defiant children. calling ambulances.
you know.
the usual.
[ouch. i hate it when the food looks so good then your burning your tongue and now you cant taste anything]
fun fun.
i keep thinking about last thanksgiving.
why does it suck this bad when im so much better off.
goddamn it why cant i lay off myself for a few days. just relax. im always in this state of self made chaos. hrm.
i should be wrapping this up.

i have to drive across town and see a face that makes me hurt alot lately.
i wish we could just settle this.
but its all material, and im nothing aesthetic.

[hot hot hot]

homework, lost weeks, cigarettes

im at Gs house. shes working on a print. i like watching other people when their artistically posessed. even if its only for a moment.
today i bought tom paints, canvas, and a 25 piece brush set. its my only way of apologizing for making shit at work this week. bah. maybe its time for a new job.
but im getting way ahead of myself.
you see im here to catch you up.
the messages and the where are yous are piling up.
im not one to let worry.

the past few weeks have been your usual up and down type of time. ive seen faces i never wanted to see again. ive told someone off. ive seperated from people. ive walked like ive never walked before. ive kissed tom. ive started sudoku years after the trend was what it was. ive started to get comfortable in my new place. ive had a long lost 5 am with jon at our old spot.
ive been well you know.
here.
its only been recently thought that ive realized just how much i miss writing. and you all know how much i gripe about the "tried and true" pen and paper bullshit. i wish i had a way to think blogs into existence. if i did you'd all have more to read and i swear a more interesting day if im not being tooo narcissistic.
its just something about twisting things into being pretty without giving away all the good part. smell, taste... you know, the physical. its about letting people walk with me through my observations and rants and letting them put it all together and pick every color themselves. i like that thought. sure i dont have a following like i used to. [i used to be quite the blogger back in the day] but i guess it doesnt matter.

[im going on and on and on]

anyway.

i miss this. i miss you reading this.

whoever you are.

maybe ill be back.

maybe itll be soon.

till then.

burfday

today i turn 22. well isnt that something.
im gettin g ready to leave right now. going to get some raw fish and spirits with the lovely people i know.
[holds up glass]
heres to another year. and me still hanging on. still alive somehow.
heres to tonight. sigh.
heres to the fact that i still love my mom. even after last night.
heres to the cute card my dad gave me.
like i ALWAYS say.

heres to this.

the whole thing.

as complex and disconnected as we can be, as rotten and foul as things are at times.

by god, heres to this.

its something. [isn't it?]

quick quick quick quick

if she finds me here ill be done for.
and im not ready yet.

dreamt last night finally.
it was mostly me bleeding from a vacant black space in my stomach.
i tried to hold myself together.

literally.

and i just couldnt.

somehow i stood and walked. somehow i saw there was a chance for me to make it somehwere. as i walked i looked up and down the walls. things were under the paper. [things.]
moving and squishing and leaving greasy lipstick tracks. hooker lips and the wrong shade of nail polish comes to mind here.
i wasnt doing so good.
in my hands i feel something fall out of me. it mets out a small cry. it leaves blood on my fingers. i dont look at it. i try not to look at it.

then i woke up. i had only been asleep and hour.
tom was already out.
and the lights and the trains outside did little to comfort me.

im ok now. just a little shaken.

[by the way tonight im going to a halo party. fucking woo. i hate videogames. blarg.]

cancer time. [like hammer time but without the dayglo]

this state again. great.

i used to be able to sit here and type. edit and post. get up and lay down.
i used to be able to settle for blog communication. you know. let people read. look for comments. respond when necessary. but right now, by god all i want is to hear someones voice. i want my friends to stop reading and start asking. but it seems that all the ins and outs i go through as a complicated stephanie have dejected them. i know i have my phases of leave me alone. it happens often actually. and when i come to my senses and start sending the messages and calling the numbers i get the result. nothing. its too bad. sometimes i really try.

im so terribly sorry.

i would ask you not to give up dear friends. but who knows. i may be yelling the complete opposite in the next second.

cruelty comes to easy to me.

[whats happened]

last night

a list

i am
-fucking hungover. urrg.
-weightless [but only in my head]
-waiting for john and giselle to wake the FUCK up so i can go get food. fuck, you guys.
-still seeing tom defending us at the bar. valiantly i might add.
-in love with shiner now.
-still confused at to why a british pub has even a cubic square inch of nonsmoking area.
-changing cigarette flavors to camel infused.and yes i am that serious of a smoker. [pray for me]
-a little embarrassed
-still laughing from when we told giselle we applied at nationwide and she asked "wheres that bar?"
-still fucking sleepy.
-excited about tonight.

last night was much needed fun. we went we laughed we drank. it was nice not having a little black lining of fear on the whole night. it was nice just wearing whatever instead of mathcing my black to black. it was nice curling smoke sround my fingers as i leaned in to hear new things from the artists around me. we could have been anywhere. plus there was the super cool element of having jon act as our personal bodyguard. he even looked the part with the ear piece and everything. [sadly he just works for mad dogs but a girl can pretend right?] what was funny was that it wasnt even him who was the big strong man for the night, it was tom. two douche drunk McNobodys walk up to our table and catch us talking about a girl at the next one. i swear their like what you two talking shit for. i was just like no no no no i just admire her confidence. drunk 1 says why. i say well i dont know cause we dont have much. giselle has a funny look on her face. shes like yea. they go into this whole thing about havent you seen a mirror and blah blah fucking blah when tom walks up and drunkenly and in the most polite way asks them to fuck off. these ladies are with me. priceless. the whole time jon is behind us watching. it was just gross because they stank and drunk 2 was touching giselle. ugh. men in bars. wonderful. but tom was our puerto rican knight in shining drunkness. yesss.

i want to go to the industry tonight. and you know what, i am goddamnit. its weird going out and having the money to do it. i love this feeling. and the car. i love that too. the one thing im worried about is running into folks. right now, there are just some people i dont want to see. but you know seeing how last night was soo good, i think ill give the weekend another go. heres to otpimism.

now if youll excuse me im gonna go wake those fuckers. if i woke up before them, somethings wrong. maybe they died. hrmmmm.

heh.

of course i love you and of course it's what's inside that matters

but i think the whole charade is ending.

im at my parents doing laundry. i get this whole goddamned house to myself till monday. score.
some things:
i realize now that im not too good at driving on the highway. ugh ive never been so fucking scared before. the guy came out of no where and i was left at northstar mall in saks trying to calm myself down crying and heaving pacing and twitching in the chanel enclosure. the tight clean package of gay man working there came up to me with shock on his face, asked me if i was ok, then softly showed me the exit. i didnt even get to touch the tweed. thats why i went there damnit. urg.
saw abe today. turns out now isnt a good time. and thats all i want to say about it.
i did get to see jonathon today. we met at the old place and talked like before all the drama drowned out simpler things. he was just the shot of fascist sarcasm i needed to feel better and stop my shaking.
got paid today. FUCK YES. under the table mind you, but paid. mmmm. money feels good. i almost forgot how good.
besides all this i dropped off the final paperwork for the apt. we should have news soon. i hate waiting. its not my thing you see, so this is the hardest part. but ill make it. [i guess]
i want to do something tonight. i want to go out and dance maybe. i want to buy tom a drink and smile and forget all of this past shitty week. thats all i want. thank god for giselle, thank god for jon, thank god for tom. its gonna happen. i just dont want to see anyone else tonight. which sucks, this means i cant go to the old and new haunts. seems to me its time to find a new place and play into the old revolving social door theory. test the waters? bump strangers? well see. im not one for the spontaneous conversation and too be honest im feeling rather introverted. [which is weird based on how bad i want to be out. harumph]
ah well.
i would kill a tiny old woman for a lemon and a bag of hot cheetos.
[thats how i roll fool]
i havent dreamt in a few days. this is causing major depression. i wish i could explain furthur but im fucking tired.
sigh

[heres hoping tonight is something]

finally

good news.

[this blog will be boring for those of you who come here for the blatant weirdness. tis just my life today....]
me and tom took the day off today to go check out the apts on our list. our first hit happened to be our last due to some nice findings.
the complex was called crystal springs but they changed their names recently. they have ponds, a huge pool, fitness center, so on and so forth and they also have one thing we like. a need for tenants. sweet. so we get their and she says ok its 99 total move in. that covers the app fee and the first month. i ask wont we need extra for each app? she says nope its all covered. yessss. so we walk through. the apts are nice, clean and [eep] mostly white with creepy porn mirrors in the living room. but other than that the rooms were cozy and the master closet was fucking huge. with wall cabinets and everything. i loved it. we have to go tomorrow to drop off the money and our apps, then its just waiting time. im nervous and excited. i hope we get this place. its a shame we lost the last apt but you know 900 dollars down compares in NO FUCKING WAY to 99 bucks.
in other news i go back to toys r us this tues for my interview. i talked to the lady for like thirty minutes today and its sounding good. FUCK i would love my old job back. i miss the toys and even the screaming kids. i miss the nationals and the party room.
sigh heres hoping.
if that doesnt work out, sonia and dwayne told us that nationwide is hiring CSRs right now. we applied last night and the cell phone is waiting. 12 bucks and hour to start. goddamn. i would take any type of call for that much.
again. heres hoping.
other than that im just fucking bushed. i have to go pick up my car tonight from dad and see if theres anyway i can bum around there till the apt is ready.
woo.
heres to optimism.
a pleasant taste compared.

boiling

this must be what water feels like when all the bubbles are molesting it. my mind wont shut the hell up and sit down. not even when i ask nicely.

ouch.

work slayed me today. the only things that saved me were 344 and 313. 344 because he has a huge puppy that loves me and jumps me when he sees me. 313 because hes the man with the nicotine and a giving heart.
i worked in a type of haze today. zoning and spacing. working numbers in my head. seeing leases and pens, deposits and move in specials.
im just so tired.
i dont want to do anything.
'cept maybe sleep.

my blog is going no where.

i was going to bitch and rant about something.
but it would prove fruitless.
i could never get a word in edgewise anyway.
why bother.

[maybe later]

urg./

drama [yes please the more the fucking merrier]

strong points and deep understanding?

not so much.

some people should fucking MAJOR in being immature cry babies.
more poeple would have degrees and cheerleaders and goth kids would have something to hang on their walls.

end blog.

!!!!

im so fucking mad.
its hard to describe just how much.
it seems friendship is borderline with some people.
i sit here and think about all the people i know. about all the faces ive seen. all the words ive heard. all the touches ive felt.
and somehow it feels like nothing.
its happening all over again.
the transition.
the changes.
the music blares and people are laughing. im starting to loosen up and hear the music. im here finally and seeing the dances differ all around.
but now im home.
all of a sudden im in a way that makes me want to just fucking beat the shit out of something.
hrm.
i know too many douche bags.
i know too many people that walk by. ignoring.
too many people that keep drinking and drinking and drinking.
you just dont hear the words.
you just dont fucking care.
your words not mine.
and heres me.
with bruises on my chest and pain in my fucking heart.
but no worries.
you just fucking do what you want.
go on. take the shots and dance too close to people. fall and stumble and writhe and act surprised when the shit goes down in your fucking face.
im not going to stand for you anymore.

fuck.

how fucking DARE you?

that is all.

im too tired and i have to work.

fuck this.

night.

put me to sleep evil angel

i love
-mickeys.
-dorals.
-300.

all these things were involved in tonight.

heh.

fuck!

i think i have to work AGAIN tomorrow.

fucking WOO.

oh well as long as i have my puppy and my mechanical pencils im good.
[its a full life, mine]

i love.

plain and simple.

i dont deal very well with bright lights and pouty retarded artificial goings on.
but i guess that saves me from the douches and the madonna kids.

lucky me.

im drunk.

end of story.

good night.

dream

just now i had a little snip of a dream.
i had drawn a comic in it and when i went to show abe it sort of came to life.
my style was similar to the dicks in superbad. [funny]
it was like watching a demented cartoon.
red beings were walking and whispering, they looked like praying manti with human muscles and sinew but no skin, then there was the room with a sqaure hole in the center filled with black liquid with the snake like things rising out of it. they had bird skulls for heads and penis shafts for necks and nothing else. they said 'this comes from mother'. this comes from mother. over and over again.
finally i come to the end of the rooms, a wooden place with creaky floors and a weird smell.
[keep in mind, this is all animated]
i see this weird little blob of a thing its shaped like a pear. then i see another thing come over and suction itself to that thing. it was disgusting, they just kind of melted together.

well thats it. i cant seem to catch hole of the rest.

its all just fading.

sigh.

i have to go to work.