23.11.08

whaaat

my last blog made no sense.
also, im kind of wondering what the point is here people. blogging seems silly suddenly. like im talking to myself.

my heart hurts.

hatred in all shades [frustration too]

mix and match.

the other day i was downtown and i saw the most beautiful couple ive seen in a while. he held his hand and told him he loved him and they were clean and fresh in a gray city.

hen the man at the bus stop said, "hey faggots go suck dicks in hell"

and i wanted to cry, but couldnt, wanted to smile at them, but they were already gone around the corner.

hm.

otherwise:

theres nothing more exhausting than one sided conversations. the kind where you realize walking away should have taken place nearly two minutes ago or years ago and now its too late, you may as well keep talking. so you do. and it doesnt change the dead behind the eyes look they have they dont smile or cringe when you lay down the bad news three quarters in and they dont reach out and touch you like you want when you start to cry. they just stand there and look at your mouth move. im tired.

so tired.

also:

dear sweet god the holidays are here. people, well theyre swarming. this time of year they move in careful packs and bundle up for the measly degrees of winter texas allows. they laugh and reach for plastic and purses and children and they move and move and move. they make me dizzy with wonder at all the energy they can find around this time. and me im standing behind a counter between them and something they want. please and thank you nothing. i watch them and fight panic attacks. right now my heart is skipping.

put it outcha head, yo.

finally:

help me im out of good music and theres no one to see on friday nights.

what to do, this poor girl is getting tired of chasing cars.

everyone else is getting fucked and im dreaming of rome and people i dont know and dried flowers.


i must be tired.


ugh.

9.11.08

cath

she stands.
with a well intentioned man.
but she can't relax.




i know how she feels.


someone take me out of this.

the hard part is still ahead of us

buuuut, i'm still enjoying the afterglow.
Obama won. i was at work the night of the election. it was dead in the store and people were milling with either apathy or looks of nervous excitement. the usual assholes came in and stole the Obama books or turned them over. it was funny. like they knew they were doomed. dawnelle called me with updates and the conservatives i work with came by looking despondent. at 11 i was already celebrating. i don't feel bad for feeling good. i didn't care that night either when dawnelle said Barack was our new president. i cried. i dropped the phone and cried. i was happy and excited and overwhelmed with pride for our nation. for those voters. for the minorities that rose up and proved statistics wrong and for all the African Americans who had just a little more to celebrate than just a new president. i went home and watched the speeches i had tivo'd. McCain was gracious and well spoken. he was defeated but he still needed our country to move forward. i felt a warm emotion for him as he told his booing crowd to help the new president, to see the good this could be. he will always be one of my favorite moderates and im truly sorry that he ever heard the name sarah palin. she was the loose rock in the landslide over his campaign.
then came Obama's speech. it was amazing. he looked so tired and heavy with the stress of this election and the loss of his grandmother. his smile and his arms around his wife and children were relived and loving. when he spoke everyone fell silent, but they couldn't hide the smiles and the happiness. he told us everything we have been needing to hear for years. he was humble and powerful all at once. his voice was clear and his ideas seemed to float out over the city of chicago and settle there like a signal of things to come. like a comforting hand after years of pain and struggle. he was the role model for so many children. like a woman in our paper said, "i can tell my children they can grow up to be president now and know that it isnt fantasy, its real." we took strides on tuesday America. we overcame and we brought they right man to our lead.

in his words, the words of a man who has changed history, the words of our new president, our new beacon for hope and progress-

"change has come to america."


yes we fucking can.





in other notes.

im exhausted.
and confused.

and everything will be ok.