Wednesday, September 30, 2009


woke up at 4 last night (yes i was actually sleeping) and walked into the kitchen and into a shouting match i wasn't prepared for. my gem of a roommate, a classy baby factory of a girl decided she's had enough! goodness did i move her sodas in the fridge over an inch? did i really put the clean dishes away wrong??? how dare i? honestly we've been at each others throats for a while but i have always just thought let her be stephanie she's an idiot a cunt a brash child and she doesn't know any better but now i'm a little pissed off. she yells at me for moving her shampoo out of MY shower caddy to make room for MY stuff, she stomps and pouts when i finally do laundry for the week and she of course decides that's exactly when she should too, she cries and screams to her boyfriend and they fight because i'm going out during the weekend and they're taking care of unplanned newborn spawn. and you know i have a door and a com and cable and a car so its easy to blow this off but lately shes been taking chances. throwing out phrases like you dont have the right to do this, you dont understand what its like to have nice things etc etc. i really think she thinks i WON'T punch her in the face. oof. silly girl, you cannot be this cruel and stupid and not be punished. i'm sorry. and yes i'm searching the streets for duplexes and new rooms, and i'm getting the fuck out of here, sure, but how is it this angry for nothing ignorant little thing can exist? in the easiest life too. pop out a baby and snag a dumb guy and you can just lay back and shit your life away. she should teach a class on it. hrmph. i just can't sneak around my house avoiding her like this. it makes me feel like a wuss, when in reality im a touch meek and mostly too gentle to really fight.

its conflicting.

but then i pause and its like-

she angers me but i'm still better off. i always think about it. i'm not tethered and my boyfriend doesn't secretly hate me, i love to share my groceries and you can put your clothes in with mine sure, i laugh when you spill something and help you clean it, and i will never tell you what your rights are, as a person i know you are one too, i am in no way rich but i'll give you money for gas and take you to eat, i love others, but you really have to be the right type of other.

can you imagine me on craigslist?

wanted: good people. to live with, to go out with, to read books with, to have coffee with, to dance with, and to scrabble with. <3

see. i'm sure it would work. and i'm sure ya'll are out there. and now, i feel better.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Thursday, September 24, 2009

seattle weather

has surprised us all here in san antonio. its actually cold. rainy. wonderful. ha, our weathermen try to prepare us, they say dont get used to it, the familiar terrible heat comes back next week etc, but for now its sweaters and tea and books on the porch and the ac sits silent.
had a dream last night but cant grab details. one of those things where if i start to write ill lose it almost immediately. all i remember is that there was a huge bar (almost shaped like the bonham, but how you you know what that was) it was two stories and it was packed. me and friends and my people from work were lost in this crowd and i had to find all of them one by one to deliver little messages. there were people in clothes that had christmas lights in them, some were holding fish (yes they were dead), and come were playing video games that lined the entrance wall. it was dizzying, there were so many people and all of them were being drunk and strange.
oh well better luck describing the next one lady. haha.
a friend of mine seems to have fallen in love with someone. its tricky and terrifying, but to her its more floaty and addicting. all new love is. if they could bottle that butterfly storm in your stomach i ache when you arent here i cant wait take me now now now feeling im sure everyone would buy it. just stay home and trip on it. anyway. so she meets this girl now in life and falls. there are catches of course, snags in the mature life she already has trailing behind her. things you cant just walk away from. but she thinks wait knows that this woman is what she wants. when she told me i was drunk, so of course i was all about taking it. real life and consequences disappear when you drink, everything is simply romantic and you can do anything and youre not scared anymore. (probably why me and the guys have such moving convos) but anyway. i told her that if this is what she wants then thats all that matters, throw the blinders on - take whats hers!! conquer! ha. its juts now im wondering if that was a good idea. is that the adult in me? im 24 this sat and maybe i shouldnt be so careless with my advice. :/ but thats not like me, i always have a moulin rouge sense of mind. im so confused. but all i could think the next day was about what she has now. her family, her life. and what if this is lust, but what if it IS love and now i just dont know. i dont like doubt. it tastes bad, especially when it comes to something so important in life. i need time to think on this. hrm.
work beckons. i should go.

dear san antonio weather, right now i love you. but only for your rain and breeze. when the heat comes back ill be thinking of other cities everytime you touch me.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

waking up with a wine hangover

and its been two months. hm.

my head is pounding and my mouth is too dry, on the phone my mom asks why are you talking like that.

ive been running all over the city and out of it lately. to the country to climb into a crazy awesome tree house crawling with cats, to higher up to austin to go to veggie heaven and get lost on 6th, and here finally. to hunt like a madwoman for an apt, peace of mind, and sushi. and what do you know, success!

its been a weird while, blog.

for a minute there i kind of floated. almost resigned. eh but theres no time for that. instead i got a new job, put gas into my car and never stopped moving. heres me, exhausted.

but really. my dad built one HELL of a tree house. his spirit moves me. hm.

(i seem sad in my last blogs) working on that.

for now! coffee. and a book outside. texas weather is gorgeous today. we can catch up later. yes?