Tuesday, May 31, 2011

take what you want, all that you can carry

points of a dream:
it was so hot when i fell back asleep this morning. it was deep and unmoving.
i can't remember the dream straight out, bits and pieces come back.
-there was a house, large and dark, almost windowless and with stone walls. there was a bed in my room and it was thick with blankets and pillows, just like i like it. a man has bought me things and they lay in boxes strewn about the room. i fall on the bed and wish the boxes would go away. i feel guilty.
-there was a school with a huge parking lot full of people, some kind of festival. it's night time. dark spare the lights from the booths and people milling with candles and glow sticks. it reminds me of the first school my father taught at. we're trying to walk up to the school but it feels like it just keeps getting farther and farther away.
-i have a different body, the one i really want i suppose. all the people in my dream are stylized and beautiful. cut and made up. i look in the mirror and i'm blond and bed headed. i throw on a flimsy sweater and a short skirt. i don't care who sees me, i like the dominance that comes with being sexy. i have the keen understanding that this isn't real, it does make me sad inside.
-the huge grocery store we all went to. a giant heb. the makeup section is massive, i linger at the nail polish. this dream gets a little toooooo sexual here. i'll move on.

i loved the way the blankets on that bed felt. it's a bed for me, perfect and soft and hidden in the back of a dark cool house.

meanwhile i'm here. numb again. it comes in waves. huge flowing salty waves.
i'm just so tired. always. working out and trying to find energy i'm desperately trying to find balance and normality.

i think i've lost the ability to connect to here and now.
i miss and love the dreams more that the physical around me.


we'll see if the fog clears, it does sometimes and i'm sane again. for now i'm rolling with the crazy.


Sunday, May 22, 2011


i am starving. thinking in my head, as my refrigerator dies in the kitchen, what am i going to do?

i want:

something sweet, oh something strong... never mind. the food we buy normally is... boring. i've been eating nothing but rice and protein. watching the food network. going crazy with envy.

my stomach is crying i think. i keep trying to look for new art online, but keep ending up on foodie sites. damnit.

if i was rich i would waste days out with people, at lunch, dinner, whenever, oh you've never tried that get it, get three, what do you think, open your mouth and eat THIS.

it would be fulfilling and slightly frustrating when i start to get bigger. more running maybe.

whatever. i am off in search of something now. to put. into my face.

shut up, stomach.

Friday, May 20, 2011

i just decided

every time i go to the park i feel different. running was impossible before, something i always dreamed about. in dreams i would push harder, throw my arms out, laugh. in real life i'm lip synching, aching, enjoying the wind and sunset, and shocked. miles go by, i'm feeling leaner, stronger and less anxious. some times anyway. it was time to stop thinking about it. nothing was happening.

now. i'm electric.

i try to shake the the voice that keeps repeating mania, i need to believe this is me.