15.12.09

overload[ing]

woof, what a couple of weeks.
everything is packed in pretty tight. cracking almost.

i feel like ive been driving EVERYWHERE. my car is racking up miles and adjusting to having a person in her constantly. we know each other by touch now, she turns with a thought, and i feed her and feed her and feed her till my pockets rip and the gas station attendant knows my full name and social security number. its not a terrible thing. its the restless i need out now what are you doing oh you need a ride sure kinda thing i get when im feeling needy and anxious. my back is sore but ive learned that stopping just right is a back stretch inertia style. trips across town are always exciting. in case you dont know i am stephanie proud owner of a car but not of a license. (riding durty) breaking the law is easier when you have a car full of people and a city full of cops. vroom.

painting has been frustrating. ive been knocking out pieces but a week ago i stopped. the flow stopped. i have sketches and fancy tools i want to try out but my brain seems crippled under stress, or the coffee the constant coffee, or the fact that the insomnia is back. all night i watch law and order SVU and read and walk by the leaning canvasses and brushes but when i sit and set up and decide im going to do this it just fails. blah ive never been so frantic to just have an idea. but something in there tells me its all been done, and how creative can you be on an art budget not fit for a kindergarten class, etc. this better pass.... yes?

the boy i live with is an alien. hes the hardest person to understand in the entire world. ive never met someone who loves to be with me so much but hates to be around the people i know. he just clams up, closes down, pulls away and its a terrible feeling to watch him fail every first impression when it comes to the others i hold dear in my life. like a double life its just too much to cottle everyone. thats the overall feeling i guess when it comes to people right now. i mean friends are nice but seriously needy. more so than me. i find myself wandering through them week to week throwing myself around the city and calling and calling to schedule and confirm. im exhausted. and the days are far and few that i can just sit and have someone come to me. someone visit me here, and ask me how im doing. its not terrible work though, loving them. they are a great group. but i want to be needy too. im so good at it.

i miss my mom, she should come home already.

i really wish i had a small dog. like a weenie or a little orange terrier (hah like the one next door i sneak treats to) i need a cuddle buddy.

everything else is cake. right. no, its a massive overdose of what the fuck.

i just want to move to california, show my art in the city, live in the mountains, take a pretty girl as a lover and retire.

perfection. [want]

gotta go.

3.12.09

dear joey

hey honey, its me again, big sister, confidante, stephanie.


happy birthday. today you would have been 23.

i miss you, duh. i think about you everyday.
ive written you four of these letters. funny it feels like you just left yesterday. i love you. being here and working through life and dealing with mom and dad is so much harder without you, and as strong as i was for you, im hardly that strong for myself. but im making it. im doing what i can. im still unsteady but at least im standing. i think about what it would be like had you stayed all the time. how different things would have been. but its tough to play with that in my head. in the end i just miss you terrible and deeply, and i make myself sad.

i know you wouldnt want that.

im scared sometimes. that ill wake up and it wont hurt though. that i wont remember your laugh, your face, or the way you talked. i dont want to forget the way you were soo ticklish and the look on your face when you were playing with the dogs or watching a movie. we did everything together i dont want to forget what that felt like. your friendship and your love. i dont have anyone to watch anymore. i want my little brother back.

i miss you sooo much. you cant know what this is like. and it been years since we said goodbye, even though we didnt, and time isnt helping the loss much. friends are sure, mom and dad crazy as they are help too, but its not you.

but i know you are in a better place and im sure you have alot to do up there.

i love you. i love you i love you.

happy birthday.

dont forget me.

always with you,
steph

1.12.09

there are so many opportunities

to fight oneself.

sometimes i catch myself. but most times i just go with it. heh. is there some kind of pull when it comes to violence, am i greedily eating up the the rush of this addiction? i think so.

im not scared.

its fun, sometimes.

im done with the social parts, maybe im through with the family aspect of friends. im fighting the urge to hole up and run away.

ill change opinions by the morning. im lost in an existential daze for the time being.

the soreness, the scratches, the bruises, the reminders.

back.

manic.

flowing.

away.