27.7.08

furniture

right now lost pieces of my furniture are in the homes of two people that make me want to kick babies.
goodbye couch.
[you were my favorite]
goodbye love seat and pretty green rug.
[love seat. dry amount of hilarity there.]
goodbye dresser.
[guess you got tired of all the shit i put in you]


its a strange thing.
that we keep objects of other people.

last night

was a bemusing case of straw+camel.



the other night i had alot of dreams. one after the other after the other. in one of them i was supposed to be watching a baby, i don't even know who's it was or if it was mine. i put it outside in a doghouse. it was really cod. sometimes later i remembered i had put it there and me and a man ran out to check on it. it was dead. we cut it up and killed some kittens and buried the pieces in the backyard. i was terrified, they were going to catch me, i needed to dig deeper and scatter the parts of the child that i forgot. i piled flowers and soil and tried to make it look nice. that was the end of that dream. the next one was me and a woman and we were in love i think. all i know is that right before we were going to kiss the alarm went off. maybe its a sign. or maybe i just like girls. i dont know.

i hate being alone in other peoples houses.

oh an shake shake shake shake ah shake it.

the ass arrived, beautiful and most brave

i've always thought i was right.
its never been, what if i'm wrong, what if this isn't the thing to do, the thing to say, the moment to take a hand, push a friend, yell expletives at a child or skip a class.
i've never thought anything i did was wrong.
something in me makes me horrible. something in me makes me lie to your face and call you out on everything. i leave, in a rush of smoke and mirrors and hatred and i don't come back when you beg and i don't care when you cry. don't you remember? i do. i remember boys crumpled in my closet and my best friend spitting in my face. and me apologizing and apologizing. usually on the inside your still wrong and i'm still standing five feet up, in the clouds and the wonderful delusion of it all. inside its ok because none of this nonsense means anything to me. but i think i stumbled. maybe it was three years ago i stumbled. maybe it was that day. when i picked up that boy in the closet and really tried to make things better with the girl. betrayal! a change in the systematic chaos that was me then. the long haired girl who stood outside in the cold and threw cig butts on the mustang in front of her apt and walked down military brave and stupid and free. that place in my life. it did something to me. i wish i had never lived there, never answered those phone calls and never fucked that guy. too late.
ugh tonight is an ugly night. full on quivering breath and two books i can't even sit and read properly. anxiety from every corner. words and fists and dizziness and me just wanting a blue pill so i can sleep. i can't find myself. im going to be 23 and i can't feel where my feet are, or even if they're under me. i'm selfish and i try to hard to be liked. i fidget in public and go out in dirty clothes. every person i see i imagine getting close to them to see if i can find the on/off button. imagine taking them apart and stroking hair and lying in the dark and touching touching touching. what you have isn't always what you want is it? or is that the greed and the silky voice of temptation those wacky christians always go on about? fuck. i don't know. satisfaction. a word a want a fallacy. a stupid thing to try and achieve seamlessly if you ask me. at least for the strong minded but weak willed. when you want to say yes but can't for fear of a straight line instead of a jagged nicotine laced line of the usual.
maybe it's change.
or completing a sentence with thank you.
[theres a sickness here to be referred to]
something to remember, a warning paragraph at the beginning.
we were in the car today, me and my married couple friends. we were driving and i was in the backseat watching them. i found myself thinking how much i loved these two people and how much i needed to get away from them. i was in the backseat. melting. jealous. she would touch his hair and tilt her head in his direction. he would look at her at the red lights and smile when she got mad. together they glowed brighter than the texas sun. gave off more heat that the pavement. we drove on. stopping to eat. to buy clothes and shoes and walk. together we participated in the ruining of stephanie. today they created something of a monster. and heres me. said monster. typing in the dark at another persons house. away from the person i thought i loved. i think i love. but if it was something substantial why are we always doing this? why am i still seething after 3 hours. why was i so set on hurting him before i left, getting the proverbial last laugh. shrinks shake their heads here, a thousand pens tapping white pads and saying couples have to fight its healthy you're healthy and you have to be in love to be happy. alone against them i'm tired and leaning. ready with the white flag by my side. waiting for the one time where lying down beats pride. i shouldn't be comparing. i shouldn't be holding up crystal to cheap glass. i should know better. but its so easy. too easy. and its costing me. im too busy daydreaming and forgetting that the man asleep in the apartment ive abandoned for the night is the same man who saved me from the hell i was in 2 years ago. the same man that drove around town at 2 in the morning looking for my little brother whenever my step mom called him hysterical. the one who wasn't afraid to hold me at the same little brothers funeral and cry harder than me and just hold me while the useless small man i was with sat next to me at arms length and looked lost. hes an artist. a soul. and while i lash and rage and shake he waits. patiently. pressure here. something like laying in a street and waiting. something like a push you weren't expecting. a spark? why do i only love him when i write or talk? why cant i touch him when hes right there?
[the sickness, something in me makes me horrible]
the nyQuil is kicking. wont be long now.
punctuation abandoned i try to pull from the back of my head.
i play song i know make me cry.
i see the nail polish and i want to chew it off.
my head is pulsating.
and matt's mom said i could have her shoes.

what an image.
theres no structure to any of this.


please please please please

change me.

22.7.08

7 am

is when i have to be at work.
what the shit?


urrrg.


i miss my parents.
im so tired.
im going to dye my hair and paint my nails and try to play girl.
happiness by goldfrapp is my favorite song right now.
i need a computer.
people asking me about my scars make me crazy.
when they tip i dont mind so much.

time to go.

2 blog night

i'm listening.





[time stops still when you've lost life]



heres the thing. yea? i want it. all of it. you and you and you.
[wheres the fun in this chase]
[what happened to the color, the richness, the depth]
where am i compared.
my cigarette burns down but has nothing to say.
im talking to an empty room.
sometimes i can be so fucking boring.
tonight is tonight and its only proving all my points from before.
all those lost conversations.
all the times i couldn't stop laughing.
[couldn't stop smiling]
all the times that's passed since then.
i cant get the pitch out of my head, cant get the look on the faces out of my mind.
cant handle my own thoughts, they're so hard to steer.
i remember.
walks, and pushing, and eating and there was something in the way we spoke.
[i kept the innuendos but lost the people]
something hidden and waiting in the jokes and the pauses and the teasing.
now its red and blue lights.
a faint taste of vodka soaked sarcasm.
[so you remember our songs our shifty dance and the left feet]
smoky eyes and tears welling.
screams and walls and distance, too far.
time. ticking.
bombs. finally going off.
embarrassing flashing bright unsteady realization.
of just how wrong i was.
[wool over eyes, finger to temple]
bang.
here on the floor a girl could get too comfortable.
she can't lift her head to see.


maybe its time for sleep.

21.7.08

shots fired

something like copper and smoke, i can't wash the taste out.
storms overhead.
duck.

i never was quick enough.

this week starts with me crying. at the keys. bawling.
getting up early and drinking too much coffee.
some kind of requirement. i don't know.
here's me with a sour stomach and a lingering afterthought for the more recent books i've read.
porn stars and manifestos.
feels right i suppose.
being here.
confused and mixed up and wanting to hear you say those words to my face.
i think i've had a crash today.
something of a breakdown.
watching the news and seeing the filth of present tense.
cnn. you make me hurt.
lucifer. you shit all over the carpet. i hate you.
Tmobile. your such and asshole. i want to talk to my parents.


i dont know what to say to describe how much of an asshole i feel like.

miserable and poor with words.


i have to stop dreaming about them.
[yes them]
about rollercoasters and gunshot wounds and knocks at the door.
stopitstopitstopitstopit.


too late. cancer time.

20.7.08

hidden [infringement]

i've been away.
soon though. just hold on gentle readers.



i start work tomorrow.
coffee and books and me with a sleepy grin.

yes.


i miss you.

did you know at borders they let you loan out books for up to two weeks if you're an employee? then they sneak them back on the shelf and sell them as new.
when you buy a book from borders from now on, think.
maybe our fingers and eyes have been to the same pages and places.
invasion.
little skin cells and particles of me hidden in your homes and shelves.
hello.

we will be moving very soon.
i will be in school very soon.
and all this will pay out gracefully and uninterrupted.



see you soon.

cheers.

10.7.08

fiasco [a simple story about a girl and her parents pets]

i tried to do something nice today and instead i was pulled into a bad british comedy.
geez.
so.
i go outside to give my dad's rabbit some water. he looked depressed so i figured ill put him on his leash and let him run around a bit. i stow the dog in the garage and give the rabbit some run time. hours later i go out to switch and realize oh fuck the rabbits not on the leash anymore. i spot him in the corner of the yard and start after him. all of a sudden the dog runs up after breaking out of the garage. bastard! so now its a race to the poor scared black and white thing near the fence. and the dog is motivated let me tell you. luckily just as we get there i grab the rabbits little harness and practically swing him over my head and into my arms where it thanks me with kicks to the face and chest. the dog is going apeshit. gimme the bunny stephanie gimme the bunny. i finally get the bunny to the cage and lock him away safely before turning and letting out a stream of curse words as the dog jumps on my front and smears me with mud from our most recent rain. the whole time the next door neighbor is out on her back porch smoking her light cigarette and laughing laughing laughing.

Hoo-Ray for me, girl wonder, rescuer of rabbits and obscenity flinger, ready to put on a show for the most bored of housewives.

some notes:
-yes rabbits can look depressed.
-about the harness thing. my parents thought it was cute to buy the bunny a little red harness which attaches to a leash which attaches to a stake which lets him have his 20 ft by 20ft freedom. it's actually a pretty sweet thing, my parents are adorable sometimes.
-the neighbor actually tried to talk to me while i stood there in my muddy glory, huffing and sweaty and flustered. i just walked inside.
-i still dont know how the dog got out of the garage. hmph.

theres something to be said

about all of this.

about friends and the people we know. the things give away and the things in our homes. its just too much of a thought to touch on for too long. its too complex.

all of this. all of this is temporary. and its funny that i would write it here instead of saying it to someone in front of me. but i cant i guess. its a handicap. plus that person wouldn't get it. at least not what im trying to say. its hard. i get up, i get going, i walk around and say what i have to and nod and sigh and agree. all the while im thinking in terms of numbers and stats. wondering just how long i can keep it up and whether or not the task at hand or the person im with is going to be here in a year or so. ive learned from all the leaving. maybe ive learned from what ive done.
is it worth it to keep playing?
im too simple to be involved, why i even try, ill never know.
my name isnt on the list.
and i havent had a callback in years and years.
i lurk and watch the others. they have so much going on. they have toys and friends and parties and family that are always around and always inviting.
and heres me. on a weekend. holding my phone and wondering why i even own it.
ring ring.
sorry just a bill collector.
meanwhile miles away hes laughing with the people i used to know, or shes going to a restaurant i cant afford.
heres me at home. playing with my cats and wishing i had more books to read.
wishing for something to fill the time before i have to go back to sleep, just to wake up tomorrow and do this all again.
at 23 i feel worn and leathered. i stare at myself for hours in the mirror, and wonder why my face isnt right, why i always cut my hair off or why the bathroom is never clean. at night i sneak back and play dress up and put on makeup, wash it off, line my eyes, laugh at my reflection and miss being young and stupid. those days when i always had some silly person to drag around with me.
i used to be the alpha. people used to want to be around me. did something happen?
did all those instances of me being an ass or being uncaring catch up?
i swear i was just ignorant.
cant you believe ive changed?
i guess the sum isnt high enough and maybe the trailing paper marked with x's is enough to damn me here. great. i left roads behind me bridges behind me burned and collapsing.

and now it may be too late for this weekday friend.
for this strange unnaceptable girl.
full of jealousy and and nicotine and lines and want.
its too bad too. i think maybe ive changed a little.
i think now is probably when i can say im ready.

but time is still ticking and im still standing still and nothing comes to me anymore when i call for it. ouch. headaches instead. seeing every 5 am for the last 3 months instead. existential floods and rages and lashing out at the very hand that keeps me breathing.
i always was one for good choices. haha.

i dont mean to sound so ...

fuck that i do. i think i may be angry.
just a little. i think i may be at that point where its give up and start fresh or try as hard as i can to salvage what i have.
[these ashes, these fake tin voices, these false comforts, these ugly colors]
i could try.
i guess.

but then what would i be after except tired and bruised.

all that apologizing and me without my sincerity.

what happened here? a war?
[casualties of bad intentions]
[medivac for the wounded]

i think maybe its time for me to lay down. sleep wont come, ill be uncomfortable, and the house will be too big. but ill be still, and not near a keyboard. it will be dark and i wont be able to pick at my nails.
maybe the quiet will help me block out the wooshing voices and stop the eternal movie reel in my head.
[i dont want to see the faces anymore tonight, dont want to watch them, dont need to see them]

greed. its all i have now.


awesome.

9.7.08

dream [a long one]

i'm at an amusement park. with alot of people i know. i'm walking with a small group and we're waving and saying hi to the people we pass. we get on a few rides and laugh at how dangerous and terrifying they are. some are water slides with crazy low edges, some are inflatable beds in wind tunnels and no body armor or gear. we even get on one where you to go into a huge glass sphere with water sliding up the edges somehow with small plastic colorful balls swishing back and forth and alligators you have to dodge. i got on this ride, i lived, and it was fun as shit. the park is huge. and we still have yet to see the crown jewel, the ultimate adventure, and they are more than willing to show us. a man in a purple shirt comes up and says everyone is gathering, you should be there. its starting soon, don't want to miss it. oh and some of you won't come back. i must be some kind of death nut because i can't even tell you how excited i am. i drag my friends with me and we head for the other side of the park. when we finally get there we realize this is no ordinary ride. this is going to be a battle. and a bloody one. ill try to describe this the best i can so bear with me. the "game area" is a huge covered arena, underground, with a few slits in the surface level to let sunlight in through. in the arena itself there are staircases and elevators and ramps going across from wall to wall and several varying stories up. only one of these touches the floor, which is covered in dirt, broken appliances, and pieces of animals. my adrenaline goes up. whats going on?
[quick note: my hair is long and black, and i touch it often and shake it more]
so now were being ushered into the "beginner room" as our guide refers to it. he says now. were going to let you out onto those ramps and stairs. and we're going to release our babies. everyone is getting antsy, some of us are ready and we slowly find each other. we have the stone looks of people with dangerous pasts and i feel a strange unfamiliar sense of pride when they come near me. let's do this, yes? the doors open and all of us creep out to the highest ramp. me and my people jump down to about the 3rd from the top. the doors close behind us and the whole room goes back up to the surface, as if on a huge elevator string. this is weird. but it feels good to be jumping and grabbing like ninjas. heh. we hear a strange noise coming from below. some of the others go down to look for the source. me and mine think this stupid and wait. we watch as they creep down down down. and then they start screaming and running. zombies. they re releasing zombies on us. shit. so now we head down. time to kill and avoid and protect. fun fun fun fun. i jump on zombie faces and punch zombie guts, i'm scared, so scared, but i fight and run and jump. i want to live after all. some of these people are my friends and i watch as they get eaten or get torn apart. there are children in here too. what the fuck is going on. a woman grabs me by the wrist and i turn and almost kick her before she puts her hand over my mouth and tells me to shut up. shes tall and she has deep brown hair and for some fucked reason shes wearing a huge wedding dress. dear god this dream keeps getting stranger. she pulls me away and we find a ledge that runs around the edge of the arena and we just watch. zombie mayhem. bedlam and torture.
[here i wake up a little. tom tells me hes going to work]
when i fall back into the dream i'm still where i was standing before. there's a man near me and i know that in some way i am connected to him. i run to help him and then suddenly i hear this blaring screeching sound coming from the floor. i look over a railing and see neon signs flashing. they blink BAIT. and arrows point to a cave entrance. the zombies stop the attack and file down to the entrance. its over. i guess we won. the ledges around the edges of the arena slide out of the walls, and they have chairs and tables on them. strange. people are hurt and dying. i start to walk the ledge and evaluate damage. some cringe and bleed and others are perfectly fine. i see a child crying and i run to her. whats wrong? i lost my flower. its gone. i miss it. she belongs to a man i know someone named bear? a huge guy. but where is he? out of the corner of my eye i see a man fall to the floor and i rush over to him, his face is young and handsome and he knows me. hes been bitten. out of nowhere a woman runs up and says quick! we have to be quick! and she pushes me to the ground where i start to convulse and twitch, she falls and does the same. i throw up some brown disgusting slime and lay there panting. the woman gets up and says you got it out. you got it out. i try to stand and realize the man is in front of me, and hes fine. he picks me up and holds me.
[and of course i fall in love]
[it's like we were always meant to be. cheese]
then i remember something and i take off running. out a door near me and into the sunlight and then down a path and into a small hole in the ground. i'm in a small mossy green room and it has little tiny furniture in it. i say where are you and the frog steps out of the little tiny kitchen. i tell him to give me the flower, i know its in his freezer. he laughs and hands it to me.its small and glass and purple and green. its so pretty. i walk back to the arena. i need to give it to the little girl. the man is still standing there, waiting for me. he puts his hand on my waist and we walk. i find the little girl and give her her flower. she laughs and runs away. its time to leave. i have to get out of here. how long have i been asleep? as we head for the door i see someone i know and i go to him. its my old friend robert, and hes in a wheel chair. he's paralyzed. i say robert? what happened? did the army do this to you? what happened? and i start to cry. my man behind me lays a hand on my back. robert turns his chair and looks at me. his face is mean and scarred. he says at least i didn't do this to myself. i didn't have THAT luxury. i know he's talking about my arm. robert's wife is there too. she stands like a statue next to him, crying a little. i reach to her and in her ear i whisper, i'm going to get married. i guess you guys can't come. please take care of him. then i hug robert again. and i'm still crying.

and that's how i wake up.

crying and shaking and worried id still be in that arena.


yep. what a motherfucking dream eh?


woo. i'm exhausted.


some points
-i always fall in love with the men in my dreams.
-me and my small group, we were heroes. almost gods among the other people. the way they looked at us and grabbed for our hands. it was amazing.
-the zombies were covered with clotted blood and they had facial expression. which made them even more disgusting. when i bashed their heads in they were hollow.
-i was actually also in love with a woman in this dream. confusing.
-the dream was so deep and complex. i loved it.
-the way that me and my group moved was like those urban jumpers. it was such an amazing feeling. i want to get in shape and try it now. its like flying. it took my breathe away.
-other people in my dream included aunts and uncles, my little brother, dawnelle and bryan, tom, jonathon, and my grandfather. creeepy. two of those people are dead.

let me out, i can't hold my breath any longer

getting the fuck out of here sounds really fucking good right now.
i'm woozy and sleepy from pills.
the computer keeps wanting to restart.
i'm going to sleep all day tomorrow.
i hope i don't.
sleeping hurts.
i miss people.
i wish they were here.
ready to grab hands and spill secrets.
i wish i had alot of things.
wish wish wish wish.
nothing ever happens honey.

just go to bed.

8.7.08

if i could put my finger on the feeling

i wouldn't need to blog about it to work it out.
something about being lost and angry, or dependent and needy. i think it's contagious.
maybe it came with the rain.

the cat is walking around and just fucking crying and crying. in his two toned lucifer voice he's driving me crazy.
[oh god shut up]

i think i may be bad at taking care of things. i could never be a good mother. i don't think i could care for anything that complex and keep it alive. it scares me. but i forget to feed the rabbit and sometimes the cats and i never water the plants and what would happen if i had a child? besides the fact that i don't want any, i don't think i would have any just for the potential kids protection. strange thought, but it ties into a very strange dream i had last night where everything i had, my chinchilla, my kittens, my parents plants, everything i was taking care of died. they were all shriveled up and gasping for water and i just stood holding the hose and watched them die. i woke up shaking and i ran to every animal in the house and every plant that was brown and i swear i apologized. i watered them i fed them a little too much and i held them. i was so scared that i had killed them. ugh. it was not a good feeling.

now there's just the acid in my stomach. and i'm here playing the waiting game. waiting for the lady from borders to call me, waiting for my parents to come home and take this responsibility back, waiting for tom to get home, waiting for school to start, waiting for the day when i can be comfortable and secure and warm and everything else. because right now i'm slipping in the water on the runway, i'm running in place and everyone's watching. i guess they might be playing the waiting game with me. waiting for me to get the fucking point of it all, waiting for me to get a move on. and we're all waiting together. how sweet.

i have my little hidden comforts. i have that much at least. i have amanda and brian, i have the box of pastels under all those books in my living room, i have the blankets and the millions of pillows on my bed, i have sleeping pills, i have makeup i never wear except when its really late at night, i have my peppermint tea, and i have chu.
[oh and you guys, i have you guys]

i wish i lived in seattle. the constant rain would have me like this everyday. on these types of days i can finally grasp whats going on. i take care of myself and i eat alot of soup. everyone gets hugs and i get too deep too fast. i like it. i'm at my neediest on these days, which is a refreshing change to my usual get the fuck away what the hell does that mean shut your stupid mouth demeanor. these days i fall happily into teary eyes and quick conversations with strangers. i just miss how i was. i used to be so interesting and new. now i'm aging and my eyes are opening and the bliss is cracking and its not as shiny as i remember it.
[i am stephanies strange sense of drama]

ouch, my lips are torn and dry. i left my chapstick at my apt. great.

i haven't bitten my nails in about a week. so now i'm at the stage where i'm accidentally scratching myself and others. the fun stage.

listening to music from high school is amusing. i don't know how it makes me feel.
[Head Automatica][Beating heart Baby]
[Bush][Cold Contagious]
[Imogen Heap][Headlock]
[Collective Soul][Run]
[and so on]

i just made a SHITLOAD of bacon. which is funny cause i don't have bread, eggs, cheese, or pancake mix. just bacon. at least ill get my protein.
i feel like such a guy.

7.7.08

rain, things i miss, and my poor hands

its so pretty out right now. but with my head the way it is i cant tell if its too hot or just right. urg. i was doing some lurking today and i realized that there are quite of few things of mine in the homes of people i can't stand anymore. you know who with my rug and love seat and all those blankets and whats his name with my couch and my dresser drawers and whatever else he found in that storage room. and what do i have to show for it? it would be easier to deal with if i had something of theirs. geez.
my bones hurt. i bought some sleeping pills last night. they're perfect for me. a good soft sleep.

it's raining nicely outside. today is perfect for:

Tea with mint.

Miso.


Rice.


Spicy Tuna.


Blue Moon.


Smokes.


Scrabble.



someone come eat with me, drink with me, smoke with me, or try to beat me at scrabble. it's too green outside to be alone today. sigh.

6.7.08

today i'm 97

at least that what it feels like.
[give me walker, please son]
this morning i couldn't sleep, so i didn't.
i stayed in bed and watched cops shows and food specials. then at about 9 i started to feel stiff. i figured i just needed to get up and stretch but when i did i was alarmed to find that both of my ankles felt sprained. in a few hours my knees were swollen and they burned so bad. then my elbows, then my shoulders, then my hands, then my fingers. by this time i was going to the bathroom and looking at myself in the mirror wondering what the fuck was going on. then i saw it. on the vent. dust? no i grabbed a paper towel and tried to wipe it off. it was green and fuzzy and round and terrifying. mold. was that what was doing this to me? lame. i couldn't pop my fingers or even make a proper fist. ugh. my legs were weak. i'm tired, so tired.
[god likes to stick pins in my burlap doll i guess. a little too much.]
careful not to trip on the blasphemy.
im just worried about my chinchilla and my kittens and my roommate. tom seems fine though.
of course.
meanwhile im wincing and gingerly walking on my toes. fuckinghell.

i need to get to the bottom of this.
or your narcissism may be dead soon.

i've gotta hobble out now.
walmart and girl clothes and me being stiff and angry.

whoo.

4.7.08

independence

means alot to me. it does. walking down a street, or smoking a cigarette or doing the dumb shit i do, its all possible for me because i was born here, in this free nation, in this land of opportunity.
america keeps me safe.
well its brave men and women keep me safe.
america has good intentions.
its pretty good here, you know?
so all my veteran friends, all my enlisted ones too, and every person who flies a flag today or has a kick ass barbeque, thank you. for everything. i know i bitch alot about america, but you have to know it because i love her and i just want her to be ok, and stable and wonderful for everyone.

hooray 4th of july. hope you have all your fingers by the end of tonight.


<3

pretty


so you should rent this movie. its about dreams. its beautiful and complex and i love it. it also has a big naked girl that sucks up all the nightmares at the end. yessss. and im not one for anime, but this was a nice exception.

too much

i was awake at godawful hours this morning and of course i had cnn on.
i was listening and heard a story about how the government is actually backing a form of racial profiling. they're going to watch people [based on what race they are] and they're gonna watch where they go if they travel out of country and other such habits.
well fuck you america!
that's fucking stupid. every person in this [shitty] country has a right to live and be left alone. we can't just say this guy isn't a true american lets open a file on him and monitor his credit cards or what he watches on youtube.
[pretty soon we're all gonna have micro chips in our fucking arms]
look everyone. 9/11 was BAD. it was. and i'm sorry for it. sorry for everyone that suffered. sorry. but no one, NO ONE has the right to invade someone life and privacy the way they're planning too. its just not fair. the whole thing makes me sick. we're falling apart in front of everyone who lives here and no one is stepping up to say wait, this might not be the best form of action. no one cares! and now i'm not just talking about one thing i mean the whooole caboodle. people think that if they vote once every four years they can sit back and clap their hands together and say yep did my part. i'm a good citizen. no you're not. your the one helping us get flushed down the toilet when it comes to politics and freedom. and when it goes to shit finally you're going to be one of the crying filthy idiots who ask what happened?
maybe its the wine i'm drinking to numb my sorrows but i'm pretty fucking pissed. what happened to the strong headed american folk you read about? the ones who cared about truth and honor?
now we're wearing blindfolds and sucking dicks like we're NOT living in a free country or anything.
like we DON'T have the power to stop it.
the war, the gas, the laws, and the lack of brains in the supreme court makes me fucking sigh in shame.

we're sinking.

and i'm getting off the boat.
id rather wave white flags than burn and crumble.

ugh. i cant even finish this blog. but i can finish this wine.

maybe ill forget all about it.

but just in case ill pack my bags and put them by the door.

2.7.08

the swimming pool

we used to steal away, deep deep, in the middle of the night
armed with green glass, silver cans, and little flip boxes of menthol
we used to go, wind in the car, our faces flushed
drunk and uncaring, touching and laughing and full on what we were
at that point and time anyway
most nights we knew we had to beat the sun
the sun brought responsibility and realization
light, it brought light and only then could we see the lines in our faces
and the empty pockets pulled out
but we went
we found the pool and we walked past the gates
and we became the creatures of lore you only hear about in stories
wrestling and flipping, barking and yelling, telling back and re-reading the words
floating on our backs and reaching to stay together
when we would leave we would be exhausted, so tired
cold and wet and sighing with the relief and the pain in our muscles
the next day our hair color would shift, green and tinged
and when the new night started
we could still smell the chlorine
take me back there
take me back to the swimming pool
back when there wasn't a crack in the sandy colored floor and the bottles weren't empty and broken and forgotten
silver cans crushed
cigarettes burnt to the filters
i see you now and i don't even know you anymore
the people around you, long haired and shiny and tall and strange
i;m just a trespasser
lurking in a place that used to be mine
it all got so fucked up
material things missing, voices raised, bruises in the morning and the one drink that was too many
truths, they come built to hurt sometimes
we just weren't ready i suppose
we were just children playing in our elders clothes and makeup
caked and loose
and we paid
didn't we
please
just take me back
march and april
so long ago

too late.




i haven't slept in two days. yesterday at about 11 am i finally tried to lay down and force sleep on myself but instead i ended up watching the power ranger movie and the food channel.
and here i am. still awake. urg.
i've been thinking of people lately. if you couldn't tell. and yes they are the ones you would expect me to miss and yes they are probably the same people you would slap me across the face for even mentioning. i don't know whats going on with me lately but i've been feeling this strong urge to pull them back. i sit here and my fingers itch with a need to write them and tell them things even though they wouldn't even open an email from me. i've done some horrible things to people and vice versa. its really hitting me now. i've been such a child in alot of ways. and a real assbag. but its all jumbled in my head and i cant even sort through the crime and the fallacy anymore. all i have now are the old sepia memory stains of people i have and have lost. little things about them that kill me and make me smile when i should be hugging or running. i've lost perception when it comes to people. i cant do that. everytime i do i end up left alone and crying or bleeding or fooled so bad i don't even realize. guards activated. checking perimeter. i'm still intact. they haven't gotten through. thank god. maybe now i can sleep. right. that would be way to easy. i was reading some old blogs from when i used to write on myspace. there's one where i list all my friends and why i love them. that was stupid. i think all of two are still standing with me. what a dumb ass i was. fuck. all stupid eyed and ready. again, fuck. my arm itches. i guess maybe i'm just scared now. i've gone through the dumb luck phase of finding friends and realized that you can't just drink and you can't just go to clubs and make like your 16 at this age. it's a little too late for that. but whos gonna take this girl? shes used, covered in scars, she has a sick sense of humor and she wont like your boyfriend or girlfriend. she tired. and its showing in the way she talks and walks. she sleeps too long, she has no motivation. sheesh, i dont even like me now. heh. nice one.
ugh i need to quit being such a tool.

like i said. im just exhausted.

fuckit.

at least i have my kittens and tom and my hasty art.

its something.
[right?]

i remember this feeling

this primal lust.

i've been drawing so much lately. working on the little comic blog has been such THERAPY.
i love waiting and wondering what i'm going to draw next. eating cold pizza and looking again and again over the ones i've posted so far. mine all mine. they give me that warm all over feeling of- remember? you used to be that person all the way through instead of this lady defrosting and trying to get back into the mix. remember. it used to be like this all day when you would wake up before noon and it would be raining. and you would walk straight to the easel and just get it all out. you used to care stephanie. but not about the things you do now. the good things. the soft things. the music and watching your wrist as it bent and your fingers as they blended.
i really have been trying. and its working.
today all i thought about what the shitty paint program on my parents computer and really finding a job so i can live, just live in michaels or herwecks.
all that paint.
all that canvas.
and me finally getting my feet under me so i can cover them with splatters and dust.

the wrinkles on my face are fading, and my mouth silently sings as i remember what im good at.


it't been the best day so far this year.



p.s
i have been posting to the art blog ALOT.
but i'll post some better stuff soon, as i have access to a sweet scanner/printer combo.
im excited.
and happy.

1.7.08

Rain

here in hot, ugly, unbearable san antonio it's raining.

[what a spectacle, me running out and getting the rabbit and its cage from under the tree]

i've been waiting for this, summer.

give me a storm.

couldnt sleep

so i made a blog just for my stupid drawings.

please to check it out. yes?

i have it listed: It's me or the Hot Dog.
[http://www.hoursaftermidnight.blogspot.com]


thank you,
.the management.