21.3.12

alright, just calm the fuck down.

yikes, sometimes things just spin on a tiny angle.
what am i talking about, thats all the time with me. im always spinning it seems. somehow ive tricked myself into thinking the sickness is gone but maybe its just sleeping. ugh i have heartburn and a raging jealousy for something that doesnt even breathe and could never surpass. im angry. and now i have a drivers license. great. of course i want to flee and find solace. why does everyone else get to do whatever the fuck they want and i have to stay in a little white box. clean and silent. shhh. rage. yes, its there and steady. warm and familiar. the usual way i say hello to it. calmly and with strong eye contact.
the people around me never knew me then. i was anonymous for the most part, then i rolled up my sleeves and i became curious, interesting, pathetic. to different types, in different shades. what the fuck am i doing? why am i back here?


i dont even know. im off to find the time for a smoke and settle the fuck down.

6.3.12

ne

nebraska is starting to assimilate me.

still, i hurt for home.

26.1.12

dream ...456.....8425545.........1

i'm not sure what inspired this one... many things. maybe the want of something familiar and comforting. i don't know.

anyway. i'm in an heb, but it's not just any heb. besides being a grocery store i know this is also a school, and it's my school. i'm standing near the makeup and the registers, lusting over eye shadows and brushes, and i get the feeling that i am with my parents, although i don't recognize the people near me. a woman and a tall man turn and talk to me, they are nice and the woman hands me white shiny beads and says come on lets get in the car. i want to walk around first, so i tell her one sec and head towards the floral section. just across from the lilies and carnations i see a glass encased classroom with chairs and a chalkboard. the back row of desks are dusty and old, some knocked over. i notice the back of the store doesn't seem to have its lights on, giving the whole place an eerie feeling... i head back up. in my head thoughts are flying, i'm thinking about a boy i'm dating, and i realize that i am in high school. i have a letter in my pocket for someone and he was supposed to meet me here but hes not here.... i look up and over the registers at the checkout are little tvs showing a gym where boys are running at each other with pads and giant q tips. i leave with my "parents". as we walk out into the dim parking lot i see its covered with ice and a slight fog. cars are speeding through the lot, slipping and screeching and i'm a little scared. my rents walk confidently ahead of me, chatting and holding hands. an image flashes in my head of a doll atop a bell tower, with blonde hair and reaching arms, near her feet, broken pieces of smaller dolls. in the image a hand comes in with a towel and begins to wipe dirt from her face and the dead doll eyes stare. i snap back to reality and now it's daylight somehow. we are still outside of this heb. my mom shows me where the doll is, pointing up and into the glare. i blink and find myself standing next to it. the doll is about 3 ft tall, hair clumping together from weather, eyes glass and deeply brown. she wears a pale yellow dress. around her feet are the pieces i saw, legs and arms, heads and bodies. but there is more- small glass dishes with crystal clear water in them spot the tiny rooftop. i want to get out. behind me is a small square exit to a spiral staircase. the stair case is small, i'm bent over most of the way down. the sunlight is coming in through small openings covered with white bars, and the whole place takes on a buttery yellow glow. i start to notice glittery objects on the ground and lean in to examine them, its jewelry, some of it is beautiful, and some of it is broken. i feel pangs of guilt as i gather it up, especially when i see a gorgeous glass rosary. i'm calling for my mom now, unsure of how to get out. i've reached the bottom and there is no door. she comes and tells me to look up, as i do a larger hole opens just above my head, and the bar melt back from the opening. i climb out into the arms of my not real parents. i'm wearing a black dress suddenly. they tell me we should go sell what we found, but i'm gripping it so tight i don't think i'll ever let it go. as we walk to the car i think of the boy who stood me up and something interjects with: i'm in high school, who cares about boys? i smile at this thought and get to the car, happy with the jewelry resting heavy in my lap.

and i wake up.

ugh typing while groggy is ... challenging.

zzzzzzzzzzzzz

19.1.12

dream (waking up and running to the com)

Im working at some dimly lit, maroon themed restaurant/bar. Ive been here a while, and im familiar with most of my co workers. i get the sense, like that dream sort of feeling, that i am in a gang. i have more tats and my hair is deep red. we are bustling around and a show begins in the dining room... lights and music and two people hanging from hooks from the ceiling. a couple, they work here, and they are in love. they hang from hooks in their backs, suspension. swinging from their ropes, they seem to dance in air. i cant stop staring. they call for another, someone to help them complete a trick and i step forward, but am brushed aside by a statuesque, gorgeous woman who smells amazing. her black hair is pushed back from her white face and she wears a skintight black dress. she laughs as they push the hooks into her and she almost jumps into the pain. in my head a small bio plays, that she doesn't feel it, she loves to hang and shes as tough inside as out. i move on with my work.
it gets fuzzy.
the restaurant is closed now, but all of us workers are inside. we walk around and talk, and a tall black boy meets me in the hallway and starts telling me about our rivals. he says that we should be careful, that they can sneak n and hurt us and we have to be prepared. the government should have never taken our ability to teleport (i know, but it was a dead serious conversation in my dream) i agree, and we grasp hands, he says the others, they are planning something. and i tell him to stay alert. im tired and i need to go to the bathroom so i duck into the nearest one. i try to flip the switch but nothing happens, but i shrug it off and think there is enough light coming in through the bottom of the door. in the dark bathroom i begin to lay out glowing beads around the sink and quarters from my pocket when i get a very strange feeling. i look up into the mirror to see the closet door behind me appear to open, i can barely tell in the sparse light... but it is! so i turn just as a man jumps from the closet, but he doesn't know who i am and he gets a punch in the nose as i react to the shock, he falls against the bathtub and i start to pummel him, screaming for help. the door is bashed in and he is pulled into the hallway and i am pulled to my feet.people are yelling, there is blood on my knuckles. now there are representatives from the other gang somehow, its all happening so fast but there is an argument and somehow no one believes me that i was attacked in the bathroom. im shock. i grab my purse and phone and run out into the night.
fuzz... and in it i am texting someone, it feels like i met him in my dreams, i am deeply in love with him, but not so much in a romantic way, i dont know very hard to describe this. but i barely know his face, but i definitely know his words.
im approaching a warehouse (my favorite theme) and i need to be reminded that i can be happy...
he used to stay here. he is a collector and he used to bring his things here. he always used to tell me that i should go and pick a few things out that he always thinks of me when he gets them. i wander up a maze of stairs to the top open floor. its massive and it gives me that tingly feeling in my stomach, butterflies and nervousness. there are rows and rows of stuff, organized strangely. i walk by a row of mattresses with stuffed animals sitting on the edge with their heads wrapped in barb wire strung like a clothes line from one bed post to another. clothes and shoes, and trinkets. lamps shaped like women and elephants, but so realistic and correct i have to blush. he's left me pictures, of me that he took at one time, Photoshopped with wings and soft edges, and i am looking away from the camera in all of them. the captions tell me that he sees me in a clear strong light. i feel like im floating. as i walk through the warehouse it starts to change around me.
i start seeing people in the distance down some of the aisles and the racks morph into something more professional. a worker walks by and i realize the collection area is becoming an actual store right before my eyes. i start shopping and find a few things. hes texting me, leading me on hunts to find things that he has picked just for me, and i find some of the most beautiful clothes ever. they all fit perfect. soon enough i look down at the phone ad it just says
wake up.
so i do.



aaaaaahhhhhh that felt good.

zzzzzzZzzzz

11.1.12

monsters and quitting smoking

quitting smoking was supposed to be harder than this but i think i found the key... pressure. there is no lacking of it here and now, as i try to please adrians family and seem good enough for their son. haha, seems ridiculous. not having a drink on the weekends, not grabbing a smoke in this absolutely amazing weather. (it snowed today, so beautiful) but i guess it's good for me..... right?
[blah]
chugging energy drinks, making another pot of coffee. tell me caffeine is better than nicotine. one vice for another.

sometimes i wake up scared in the night because i don't know where i am.

and the nightmares are back, i think. all i know is i'm waking up sweating and out of breath.
i'm going to start logging again, they are starting to flee as soon as i wake up, and it's taking it's toll on me. i miss my dreams.

my goals for the immediate:

-drink more tea, green preferably
-craft, craft, craft
-learn spanish so i can actually have a conversation with the people here
-get a JOB
-smile more
-establish myself, maybe meet some new people
-get over this damn homesickness...


let's do it.

7.1.12

off and away

i tried to make a "family friendly" "somewhat normal" blog and i failed...

whatever.

i moved. to nebraska. just up and left. my whole life fit into less than half of the space of a small trucks bed. i followed a man, to his families home here. and so far its been something else. nice. cold. calm.
texas was starting to make me itch. maybe it was something else. my friends branching out and becoming people i knew less and less, family growing and expanding with me a footnote and a fleeting thought. driving away from it all was heartbreaking and exciting at the same time. the sun came up as we were passing through austin and i was breathing heavy. sleepy and wondering just what the hell i was doing. i havent had a cigarette in about a week. funny the resolutions we always go back to around new years.
[drunk and alive downtown and he says ive been thinking about what you said, lets just go]
[yes, i said yes]
my parents came over while we were packing and my mom was sad but my dad was strong and they pressed some cash into my hand and hugged me goodbye, saying be careful we love you do what you need to. support like that gives me strength, and its hard to find. only parents i guess. she came over too, but more so to tell me that once i realize my mistake i can always come back. pig says have fun, enjoy. i'll miss him the most of the friends i left behind...
starting a new life is something i have never done before. and with a man who still hasnt even said he loves me.
yep.
i am strangely unafraid now that im actually sitting here in the bedroom his family is letting us use. i walk outside and marvel, absolutely stare, at the amazing sunsets that happen here. the sky is so DIFFERENT.

[break]

ok its days later from the first part. i have a small, centered headache near my eyes, and im a little strange right now. omaha is weird, and the general color of the city is brown. trees are all dead or bright green, yes i know, weird. i have a tight feeling of homesick in my stomach and im sleeping off and on, and not working out. no smoking, no drinking. i am a shadow of my former self to make a good impression on this new family.

so much to say. but im shaky from all the caffeine. just time to post.