15.12.09

overload[ing]

woof, what a couple of weeks.
everything is packed in pretty tight. cracking almost.

i feel like ive been driving EVERYWHERE. my car is racking up miles and adjusting to having a person in her constantly. we know each other by touch now, she turns with a thought, and i feed her and feed her and feed her till my pockets rip and the gas station attendant knows my full name and social security number. its not a terrible thing. its the restless i need out now what are you doing oh you need a ride sure kinda thing i get when im feeling needy and anxious. my back is sore but ive learned that stopping just right is a back stretch inertia style. trips across town are always exciting. in case you dont know i am stephanie proud owner of a car but not of a license. (riding durty) breaking the law is easier when you have a car full of people and a city full of cops. vroom.

painting has been frustrating. ive been knocking out pieces but a week ago i stopped. the flow stopped. i have sketches and fancy tools i want to try out but my brain seems crippled under stress, or the coffee the constant coffee, or the fact that the insomnia is back. all night i watch law and order SVU and read and walk by the leaning canvasses and brushes but when i sit and set up and decide im going to do this it just fails. blah ive never been so frantic to just have an idea. but something in there tells me its all been done, and how creative can you be on an art budget not fit for a kindergarten class, etc. this better pass.... yes?

the boy i live with is an alien. hes the hardest person to understand in the entire world. ive never met someone who loves to be with me so much but hates to be around the people i know. he just clams up, closes down, pulls away and its a terrible feeling to watch him fail every first impression when it comes to the others i hold dear in my life. like a double life its just too much to cottle everyone. thats the overall feeling i guess when it comes to people right now. i mean friends are nice but seriously needy. more so than me. i find myself wandering through them week to week throwing myself around the city and calling and calling to schedule and confirm. im exhausted. and the days are far and few that i can just sit and have someone come to me. someone visit me here, and ask me how im doing. its not terrible work though, loving them. they are a great group. but i want to be needy too. im so good at it.

i miss my mom, she should come home already.

i really wish i had a small dog. like a weenie or a little orange terrier (hah like the one next door i sneak treats to) i need a cuddle buddy.

everything else is cake. right. no, its a massive overdose of what the fuck.

i just want to move to california, show my art in the city, live in the mountains, take a pretty girl as a lover and retire.

perfection. [want]

gotta go.

3.12.09

dear joey

hey honey, its me again, big sister, confidante, stephanie.


happy birthday. today you would have been 23.

i miss you, duh. i think about you everyday.
ive written you four of these letters. funny it feels like you just left yesterday. i love you. being here and working through life and dealing with mom and dad is so much harder without you, and as strong as i was for you, im hardly that strong for myself. but im making it. im doing what i can. im still unsteady but at least im standing. i think about what it would be like had you stayed all the time. how different things would have been. but its tough to play with that in my head. in the end i just miss you terrible and deeply, and i make myself sad.

i know you wouldnt want that.

im scared sometimes. that ill wake up and it wont hurt though. that i wont remember your laugh, your face, or the way you talked. i dont want to forget the way you were soo ticklish and the look on your face when you were playing with the dogs or watching a movie. we did everything together i dont want to forget what that felt like. your friendship and your love. i dont have anyone to watch anymore. i want my little brother back.

i miss you sooo much. you cant know what this is like. and it been years since we said goodbye, even though we didnt, and time isnt helping the loss much. friends are sure, mom and dad crazy as they are help too, but its not you.

but i know you are in a better place and im sure you have alot to do up there.

i love you. i love you i love you.

happy birthday.

dont forget me.

always with you,
steph

1.12.09

there are so many opportunities

to fight oneself.

sometimes i catch myself. but most times i just go with it. heh. is there some kind of pull when it comes to violence, am i greedily eating up the the rush of this addiction? i think so.

im not scared.

its fun, sometimes.

im done with the social parts, maybe im through with the family aspect of friends. im fighting the urge to hole up and run away.

ill change opinions by the morning. im lost in an existential daze for the time being.

the soreness, the scratches, the bruises, the reminders.

back.

manic.

flowing.

away.

28.11.09

in an moment

i lost myself.

im pretty sure i just slapped someone in the face.

closed doors.

locked them.

and i dont care.

21.11.09

me again

the lost angry simple stand alone girl you always loved to watch crash.

im too tired for this.

but it doesnt seem to click.

doesnt come to the surface.

im gonna give you everything. since after all its nothing.

right?

13.11.09

ps

i am now selling my work. pictures soon. cash accepted. but if you write me something moving ill give it to you for free.

promise.

im not a hack, and ill make you think and stare. with paint. ooooooh. hah.

coma time.

i lied

still smoking.


not caring though. so i guess it works out.

10.11.09

#bodyfail

my whole body hurts. its been the mood lately. the down. it hasnt been so bad.
i just quit smoking, again.
maybe ill go for a run tomorrow.
its been a while. im getting too soft again.


last night the dream was in and out. i couldnt stay asleep for longer than a few minutes. and even then i was restless. i only remember
jogging
a bus
streets and a man following me
the bar i found when i got lost
a girl pouring orange juice on her self
and finally being found
huh i could swear there was something more. i have the residual dream homesickness i always have when something was really good. but i dont have any images to back this up. maybe it was nothing.

im not looking forward to work today. something about the last few days has made me pull in to myself. how do you explain that to people you really just barely know? answer: you dont. although tonight is one of my favorite nights now. a now familiar and comforting gorup, even that one grumpy one. well see. maybe after i just wont come home. i did promise a visit to someone. jose is very understanding of my runaways. i should remember this. not take it too far. jumping ahead now.

sore and still half asleep i must get ready for work.

urg.

oooh check me out

[what could i want]
to say maybe to just say
i live in florence
ive kissed an accent
im willing to tackle puzzles
ive been to rome
ive touched a saint
ive eaten food that costs more than a hundred dollars
ive painted in blood
i can walk to a church, i have walked to a church
i can break this with one hand
im never late
im always waiting
[the last one is true already]

time doesnt tick by me, it crashes
nothing makes me blink, only shudder
there isnt room left, except for the ashes
there wont be me, but there will be another

all the things there are to have faith in to say i want to do to dream about and fall all over how can they be achieved when to me they arent real goals but simple poetry and pretty words? can i bring them to the physical? dominate my never land and say this is real, this ticket is paid in cash, my plane is leaving this gate, why am i standing still... move girl move.

something will trigger. i pray im a sleeper cell.

sleep time. whether i choose to fight or not.

9.11.09

animalistic and the previous thought

im pretty sure i paced all morning. i dont remember the time but im sure it was early. laying down hurt. trying to get comfortable was annoying and i didnt want to sleep.

stubborn me drifted off anyway.

dream.

in someones backyard. its pretty big. rolling. very grassy and nice smelling. the house stands to the right of me, and a group of people to the left and milling. there is a weird metal pipe structure in the center of the yard. nothing functional, just there. some people are working on the house or renovations are in progress. something. at the very end of the yard i hear water so i walk to it. a small river whooshes there, but i see the other side isnt a bank but a white blue wall. i look up. huh. were in a seemingly gigantic box. this doesnt bother me much i look at the water again. the moss growing up on the plaster wall and the tiny snails embedded there. i walk back to the group. some people reach and grab my hands, and as i curl fingers i hear a crashing. looking up at the house i see a woman rolling on the roof, towards the edge. last second she grabs the gutter and half of the whole house comes down. she starts laughing. i look over to the right handed corner of the yard and now there are huge plastic dinosaurs standing there. i walk to them but im pulled back by tugging hands and words i dont quite hear. so now in the center of the yard im wearing a human sweater. arms are here and there, i dont know who is touching and holding me. but its comforting. and i stand there. eventually they lt go. and now im alone in the yard. i walk to the house and look inside one of the dusty windows. a dog is dead on the floor in the center of the room. his insides are pushed out (alot of viscera in the dreams as of late. hrmph) and in the blood and mush i see something glint in the sun. the window is locked and curiosity burns. then its like the dog takes a shuddering terrible breath and im going to throw up and then im awake and its god awful early for this coma girl.

i dont want innards in my dreams anymore. sigh.

its almost time to start in on the ideas i have sketched out in actual paint and canvas. thomas has some great things planned too. updates soon.
then theres this: http://downtownsanantonio.org/main/events/u11
ARTS AND EATS ARTS AND EATS ARTS AND EATS ARTS AND EATS weeee.
so many things to plan and get on. im exhausted.

need to quit smoking but dont want to.

ive heard the word sodomy about 3 times in the last hours. huh.

mom leaves to the Philippines this weekend. let operation babysit dad and keep him from falling out the tree house and be eaten by cats begin. should be fun.
ive always wanted to drive to floresville every other day. why would they move out there?!

time to go to work. hello this is stephanie, no i dont want to do that, ew sir please, thats it, operator taking down your number to hunt you down and kick you in the taint.

enough.

early morning

i havent been to bed. be worried. i am.
sssseveral days to go before relaxing.

i knew i shouldnt have brought philosophy books to work with the weather like this. perfect existential mess. is what i am. you see.

and all i can think about is fire, cell phones, boys, and paint.

all in various stages of oh my god.

twitchy. and i still want coffee. insecure. im so weird in general. misshapen and odd and clumsy. still i walk chin up. wondering deeeeeeply why i bother. then i catch someone and smile and they smile back and im sure im quite a charmer and then my brain turns fourteen and its to sex and foul thought.

all this is an instant.

walking through the desert with gold bars, you wouldnt even trade them for a sip of water. and its your own fault.

i think i may be sleep blogging. if i wake up and this isnt here then ill be sad. im enjoying this.

why do boys fart in their sleep. i cant find something like that endearing. i tried.

tomorrow is another chance. for what who knows. but im sure its not going to be fun or easy, just satisfying afterward.

will i be sore?

hope not.

7.11.09

getting darker

what the hell is up with my dreams lately? theyve been kind of...


so last nights dream right?


right.


im taking my grandmother somewhere. she has to find this bank somewhere in the city so were going. the whole thing is off, im supposed to be driving, but instead we are running next to each other. but we still act like we are in a car. i even have a piece of paper with a gas gauge drawn on it that is moving i swear. huh. so were on highways and were running all around us people are running too, but driving really. understand? yea dont worry. as we run i look around and swear i see a body on the ground but i keep on with my grandmother. then we run up on a group, a very large group cluttering the road ahead and huddled around something. this time i know its a body and its a man. hes splayed out on the high way, basically, squished. we try to move to the right and i almost step in his brains which are everywhere. a man is kneeling over him rubbing his body and moving him to his side. im confused by that. the man flails the dead squished man, and now they are both bloody. i grab my grandmas hand and drag her away. there is a type of exit ramp nearby that feeds into a large building and i gladly follow it. the ramp leads to a type of balcony on top of the building and i look down and watch the blood trail from people who have stepped in bloodied man and made hasty retreat. im a little sick. there are strange red pipe statues and sculptures littered on the balcony, i push through glass doors and make sure shes still with me. its a business office, people walk around and hardly look at us, we follow stairs down and now were out on the smaller more comfortable streets. from here i run on but not with her, now im with a boy i think i cant tell. were hitting back streets and alley ways, just running. i remember feeling exhausted. the boy and i talk while we sprint, its fun almost. we turn down a small alley and i have a hit of memories that ive lived here before or someone i know lived here. i tell him we have to get out of this alley and we run further down the street. then i realize im not wearing shoes. weird. we run towards an open warehouse but stop at the door. i yell this is the coal miners place we have to leave! the ground is wet and the place stinks like smoke and gas. then an engine starts somewhere, loud and terrifying and we run back to the alley. im still leading this boy and i push into a sad looking blue duplex, i know that this is the only way to get through to the other side. the house is near empty, there is a curtain in the corner hanging and hiding what i think is a small bed. i tell the boy this used to be nicer. there used to be things here and i walk on to the back screen door and open it. there is a family there on the porch, alot of little girls and a mom and dad and i say excuse me as i try to slip by. the little girls are laughing and grabbing at my hands and as i walk by the last one she kisses me on the cheek. the mom starts to laugh. now were in the next part of the duplex. its a little nicer than the last one. carpet, furniture and tons of animals. strange colored cats, dogs with paint crusted on their fur, and i think i saw a monkey.... weird we work our way to the back porch but when we open the screen a woman stands there with a scarf over her head at the edge of where the porch drops off about 50 feet. she says oh its you again, do you remember me? you used to come around all the time. i sell blow up mattresses, i sell chanel. you want? im tired now i just want to get out. so i jump. after landing in some bushes and making sure nothing is broken i stand up and now im face to face with the boy following me for the first time. (i recognized him instantly, kinda knew it was you.) i tell him to come on and were running again. this time the dream fuzzes out. and im waking up to 25 tweets (damn you neil and amanda) and jose telling me hes off to work.

i woke up EXHAUSTED.

like DEAD tired. all that running. it was fun to pretend. me the smoker could never do that in real life. maybe i should quit and try. it was quite awesome.

right now im watching a show about prison on discovery. its not very comforting. in fact im sitting here with mingled rage and disgust. ill never understand what makes people so damn violent. so fucked up. look whos talking but i would never hurt another person. ever. not like that. im gonna change it to the food channel....

thats better....

i am in love

with all that this is. is there hope? is there wonder? yes im sure. im positive. im enlightened. i pure and full.

its all that there is, hope and freedom.

its you and me. its this and that. its love. thats what it is. love.

has to be.

right?

6.11.09

lingerie and children in caves

i wish i had cigarettes.
kix will have to do.

finally its the day off weee. still im thinking about going to work. whatever. last night was alot of tru tv and thinking. it was actually pretty rough. i fell into the old thoughts and tried to make up for them with books and a few beers but instead i felt storms. so i went to sleep. and it worked. sort of.

dream. in no certain terms.

im on this sort of island. its not mossy or tropical. it seems to be in the middle of a swamp or something. the island itself is a land mass but more of a huge old old house almost growing out of the water. its like a castle with courtyards and bricks and winding staircases. built like a monastery. pretty neat architecture. im sitting with a group of girls on the outer wall looking at the water. we're waiting for orders or something like that, some of them are wearing masks, some are putting on makeup, all of them are pretty and small. i fidget. a man comes in and claps his hands come pick now! he shouts, follow me. we merge with some boys and end up in a room, which somehow looks like the living room i used to have in california. there are thick couches lining the walls and tables too all of these are covered with clothes, with jewelry, makeup, gloves, shoes, etc. we sit in a circle and the man tells us to pick. we start grabbing clothes. everything is beautiful, and shiny and way way too sexy but i find some really gorgeous tops i like. the girl next to me makes a comment about my boobs. i laugh and tell her to shut up its not my fault she was born with a boy body. i turn away and play with the necklaces and makeup. there are men in the room now, waiting for their turn to pick, some of their faces are painted white, and some where jester outfits and others top hats and vests. then it dawns some kind of fashion show, or maybe something else, but now im bored so i go looking for something else to do. im walking under arches and tunnels trying to find someone to talk to, people are rushing around in various stages of undress, prob for the show but i just want to find my friends. a man stops me and says you havent hung yet, you need to get up the stairs, they make you run all the way up then all the way down. press the button now get lost. i remember that word for word, he even had his hand on my chest. my hair is very long. so i start climbing some stairs nearby, they go almost straight up at the most ridiculous angle, crazy stairs! i get to the top and there is a tiny room at the top and a girl sits pushing hair chopsticks into her thighs. i nearly fall down the damn stairs this time. i walk on. i find this little library now, its tiny, and it looks and smells like the libraries from when we were in elementary school. its shaped almost like a circle. i walk and examine. this library is weird. animals scurry on the shelves. the children play with broken computers and pieces of wallpaper. the books are soaking wet for some reason and bloated and dead. there is a fish tank but the water is black. im a little freaked out, suddenly everything is sticky and disgusting i need out. im tripping over shattered plastic and discarded blocks and then i fall down a short bunch of stairs into the basement of the library. everything is blue i look for a sources of the light and find none. there are a few kids down here but i cant see their faces, they are dark for some reason, crouched over something that is protesting in sharp squeals and growling in response to whatever the child is doing to them. i scramble up the stairs and push my way out of the place. now i have fresh air on my face. im strolling almost when i hear a loud crash. i walk over the stones of the castle grounds and find the source of the noise. a wall has fallen, and in the chaos i here boys yelling. little boys. i run over and shake off dust and look down at the hole the huge bricks have made. there are two tunnels that go pretty deep and in each tunnel a small boy. they are scratching and trying to climb with no luck. for some reason i know that they are tv stars and that they witnessed their dad get blown to pieces by a hidden bomb. (swear) i watch them grab pieces of rock and tear them out of the walls. by this time im pretty sure these two got this so i leave. as i walk some of the girls run up to me and start putting necklaces around my neck and pushing earrings through my ears. making new holes and they laugh when their hands come back red. im too tired to feel it, or laugh back. they keep sliding jewelry onto me, pulling at my hair and sticking pins into it, chokers, anklets, headbands, its all so heavy i stop and lay down on the ground. im going to sleep. then i wake up.

and its 3 in the afternoon. yessss. hello grogginess. that you? its been a while.

its been weird right now there is a struggle i will tell you that. im fighting myself but i dont want it to come to what it could. i just wish i could take off my body and skip out for a while. just float and listen. or maybe live inside of a hug for a few days. but no one has time for that and im pretty sure my body is well attached to me.

at least i have a few people around that help when it gets rough. im lucky that way. i should remember that.

sleepy again. maybe ill spend friday in bed.

yep. will do.

2.11.09

the other times

dream.

most of my dreams are similar. they have a sort of structure that i love really. i always fall in love with the boys in my dreams. always. there are usually car crashes, schools, and water. i usually changed surroundings to be more naturalistic. highways to water falls, swimming pools to dried out river beds. its fun, you know. makes me feel like a tripping mad architect. i haven't written one down in a while. onward.

last night i fell asleep holding onto the happiness of last night. i didnt know i was dreaming which was strange when i woke up in a parking lot. something about the place made me know i was in california. i was happy then, back home, wondering how old i was and what time was it and wait my hair is super long! i always love remembering the first few minutes of discovery the next morning. they are the most vivid and most exciting memories compared to the coming puzzle and play of the rest of the dream. the parking lot was huge. there were three cars. all parked right next to each other. i ran to them hoping family or friends were waiting to pick me up. thinking we could go to the hills where i grew up i could show them all these places! i get the backs of these cars and they are parked right on each other. too close to move in between. every time i blink they change color. i realize someone is sitting in the drivers seat of the car on the far left. i try to get in but the door is locked, actually there were no handles. its a man and i cant see his face. he is heaving with his hands covering his eyes and mouth. i have to get to him. for some reason i know hes mine. i run to the rightmost car and the get in. the cars are full of toys, the most random creepy things ever. as i squeak and crunch my way through the cars im vaguely and sickly aware that the floors of these cars are wet and somewhat soft. a little warm too... hmmm.. i push on through them and their connecting windows im just to the last one almost touching this boy on the shoulder i twitch and im not there any more. now im standing in the middle of a huge park. at this point im ready to accept that im dreaming and a little miffed at metaphors. too much brain workin. i try not to think about it and move on. the park is beautiful and very green. i know im in florida now. throughout the park are glass capsules buried just under the ground, so you can stop and glance in if you wanted. they are sealed tight and they sparkle in the sun like peeking diamonds through the moss and grass. im in awe, i love this place. i start hunting the capsules one by one. sometimes finding people curled in them, sometimes animals and mostly objects. pretty jewelry tangled in bloody barb wire fills one, in another tiny white pills, in another a strange purple dust piled into words i cant read, dead cell phones, shoes filled with glass, etc. im only disturbed when i get to the woman in a tight ball. ive been running for what seems like years, i love it im not tired, just curious and i find her. shes crouched head between her knees hand up pressing on the glass. its like this isnt a display like the others. she wants out. as im thinking it she pounds once and then simply presses her hand back to the glass. i kneel next to her capsule and watch her. shes all hair and skin, naked spare her feet. socks. i must have done that i hate bare feet. i dont feel anything for this woman. so i leave. i find a bench and sit. the boy is there. waiting. he says the cars are here. somewhere. i laugh and say im never leaving. he says then neither am i. im reaching for him again. i just want to see his face then im woken up by various hamster jose phone noises and its over.

it was a very pretty dream. the glass capsules were my favorite thing. they were so fascinating. like if given the chance to spend eternity there my mind would gladly change them to a million degrees and variations as far as contents. it was almost a challenge like my mind wanted to keep me surprised. like i was playing with my subconscious the way i would another breathing thing. it was exhilarating. this time the boy was afterthought. i like that. maybe im breaking my dependency on need and love and attention. i think it could be a hint to get back to the creative things from before. i worked so hard the last few months just to peter out now. what am i thinking? i see my paintings in my friends homes and now i think im ready to start selling and really stepping it up. i like that. the motivation that my dreams give me is powerful. i never expect half the shit i show myself there. the CRAZINESS of the places my mind makes and the interaction with people and things feels like ecstasy. strength.

im pretty sure that while nice words from others feels good now, i can only move if i hear my own voice. is that good? its hard to tell. it feels amazing so i guess i dont care. hah.

im kind of excited for today.

1.11.09

lately

its been a ride, yes ya'll. its been crazy absolutely nutters. i dont really know what im doing to be honest with you. not sure what direction ive chosen or what i want. its like the kid in the store, you know the retarded one, grabbing candy and stuffing face in obscene and embarrassing ways. me. yep. hi. thats me. theres no line, no track, no lights or candles to guide me just hands thrust out and holding tight on whatever happens to walk in front of me. before i even finished typing that i was troubled by it. reading what i say is always surprising. most times the thoughts dont materialize until they are blinking here in type. who defines themselves in a blog? who works out all the issues that should have been thought of and analyzed at the time while they are alone and smoking and typing? DAYS later? me. hi again. yep me. dreams have been strange lately. ive kissed a boy that i have always wanted to kiss but never have (it felt horrible in the morning), ive taken the bus to india somehow, blown up cars, put babies in cages, set myself on fire. most of the tones in my dreams though are reminders that im in a state of chaos that always precedes madness and eventual harm. im in the state of gray at the beginning of the storm, and if i can say it does that mean i can stop it? i dont know, all i know is that there is a wild and unnerving sense to life lately. like ive lost something. definitely direction, maybe sanity, but hopefully not control. we'll see. but i no longer crave your pity so lets move on ;).

halloween was fun. we went to the biggest gayest club we could find and got lost. it was well worth the wait to get in, mostly because of the company in line and the fact that thomas had rum in a mcdonalds cup. ahhhh just like being eighteen again. sigh. lol. inside was HECTIC with a touch of frenzied charm. calaveras and pinatas made me smile. including the guy that WAS a pinata. he let thomas hit him the handed him candy. swear. fantastic. alot of tits. ALOT of tits. ha. we danced almost the whole night. dirty. lol. but when you go to the bonham its your civic duty as a rat in san antonio to dance like you fuck. and these girls were let me tell you. i on the other hand was very classy. nope im lying i was messy. but it was great fun, the end of the night was everyone wearing everyone elses makeup and stumbling with costumes trailing behind them or in trash cans. it was alot of happy halloween bitches and even more laughing and eventually i know everyone in that club hit a taco cabana cause half of them were at the one by my house. thomas fell out of the car trying to pee and jose fell asleep in the backseat after burping and yelling why aren't we moving while we were going 70 on the highway. i woke up feeling like a paper bag full of dried coyote poo but it was my last hurrah before settling into a productive rest of the holidays season.

i cant wait to get started on something. paints are sitting staring at me. my brains works harder. need concept and a nap.

ehhhhhhhhh. yep.

its nice and its not but its here and its now.

<3

31.10.09

its like this

tomorrow.

im finally getting back to writing.

be here or be square.

17.10.09

wicked

from me. to you. with something that may be love.
is there anything better than the vague feeling of warmth? the confusing sense of is this it? the shocking tender touch of yes this is what you are.

i know. ive been feeling lost. i know. ive been this weird thing. this confusing entity. full on her own power. sick on her own strength. kind of. maybe.

in reality im still just stephanie. just this sily girl with delusions and fantasy filling her head. im foggy and stumbling. im lost and falling.

but now i think ive found it. maybe this is what i was trying to get. reaching for. the boy sleeping next to me is waking up to early and touching my face. the home ive found is unraveling around me and making itself my own. i may be ... comfortable. i may be. this.

its been a long time since ive been. me.

and friends come and blink in and out. remind me of the things that were and the things that couldnt be. but im still smiling and welcoming and wanting. it doesnt take away.

i am strong. i am all that i need to be. i am..... drunk ok im drunk.

ha! but i dont care!

give me strength! give me happiness! give me all that i ever could WANT!

GIVE IT TO ME UNIVERSE!

can you?

can you help?

of course you can.

here you go. take this. my eternal trust and faith. i believe this. in this.


yes.


ha.

night.

5.10.09

books, puffy eyes, caffeine, and anxiety in waiting

equals fantastic (although very early) morning. found a fantastic new book, gods behaving badly, and had good coffee finally. i miss borders, but barnes and noble will do. we must look strange together, him with his star trek sci fi magazines and too sweet caramel macchiato and me with my thick fiction and black americano. i fly through a thousand pages and i am in love with this story! but its time to leave and im sleepy again. (later i catch him on amazon, ordering the book for me, i always ruin surprises.. hee) today im feeling good. ill tell ya its been a long time coming. the roller coaster oh crap this again feeling is never far away but luckily im hitting a high wind this week and im excited and calm and taking full advantage. i hope that lady calls us today and says here are your keys. i NEED to have this apt! its so damn wonderful, steps from broadway super cheap and still absolutely charming. fingers crossed.
ugh work sneaks up so quick.

more later.

30.9.09

meanie

woke up at 4 last night (yes i was actually sleeping) and walked into the kitchen and into a shouting match i wasn't prepared for. my gem of a roommate, a classy baby factory of a girl decided she's had enough! goodness did i move her sodas in the fridge over an inch? did i really put the clean dishes away wrong??? how dare i? honestly we've been at each others throats for a while but i have always just thought let her be stephanie she's an idiot a cunt a brash child and she doesn't know any better but now i'm a little pissed off. she yells at me for moving her shampoo out of MY shower caddy to make room for MY stuff, she stomps and pouts when i finally do laundry for the week and she of course decides that's exactly when she should too, she cries and screams to her boyfriend and they fight because i'm going out during the weekend and they're taking care of unplanned newborn spawn. and you know i have a door and a com and cable and a car so its easy to blow this off but lately shes been taking chances. throwing out phrases like you dont have the right to do this, you dont understand what its like to have nice things etc etc. i really think she thinks i WON'T punch her in the face. oof. silly girl, you cannot be this cruel and stupid and not be punished. i'm sorry. and yes i'm searching the streets for duplexes and new rooms, and i'm getting the fuck out of here, sure, but how is it this angry for nothing ignorant little thing can exist? in the easiest life too. pop out a baby and snag a dumb guy and you can just lay back and shit your life away. she should teach a class on it. hrmph. i just can't sneak around my house avoiding her like this. it makes me feel like a wuss, when in reality im a touch meek and mostly too gentle to really fight.

its conflicting.

but then i pause and its like-

she angers me but i'm still better off. i always think about it. i'm not tethered and my boyfriend doesn't secretly hate me, i love to share my groceries and you can put your clothes in with mine sure, i laugh when you spill something and help you clean it, and i will never tell you what your rights are, as a person i know you are one too, i am in no way rich but i'll give you money for gas and take you to eat, i love others, but you really have to be the right type of other.

can you imagine me on craigslist?

wanted: good people. to live with, to go out with, to read books with, to have coffee with, to dance with, and to scrabble with. <3

see. i'm sure it would work. and i'm sure ya'll are out there. and now, i feel better.

26.9.09

well

happy birthday to me. :)

24.9.09

seattle weather

has surprised us all here in san antonio. its actually cold. rainy. wonderful. ha, our weathermen try to prepare us, they say dont get used to it, the familiar terrible heat comes back next week etc, but for now its sweaters and tea and books on the porch and the ac sits silent.
lovely.
had a dream last night but cant grab details. one of those things where if i start to write ill lose it almost immediately. all i remember is that there was a huge bar (almost shaped like the bonham, but how you you know what that was) it was two stories and it was packed. me and friends and my people from work were lost in this crowd and i had to find all of them one by one to deliver little messages. there were people in clothes that had christmas lights in them, some were holding fish (yes they were dead), and come were playing video games that lined the entrance wall. it was dizzying, there were so many people and all of them were being drunk and strange.
oh well better luck describing the next one lady. haha.
a friend of mine seems to have fallen in love with someone. its tricky and terrifying, but to her its more floaty and addicting. all new love is. if they could bottle that butterfly storm in your stomach i ache when you arent here i cant wait take me now now now feeling im sure everyone would buy it. just stay home and trip on it. anyway. so she meets this girl now in life and falls. there are catches of course, snags in the mature life she already has trailing behind her. things you cant just walk away from. but she thinks wait knows that this woman is what she wants. when she told me i was drunk, so of course i was all about taking it. real life and consequences disappear when you drink, everything is simply romantic and you can do anything and youre not scared anymore. (probably why me and the guys have such moving convos) but anyway. i told her that if this is what she wants then thats all that matters, throw the blinders on - take whats hers!! conquer! ha. its juts now im wondering if that was a good idea. is that the adult in me? im 24 this sat and maybe i shouldnt be so careless with my advice. :/ but thats not like me, i always have a moulin rouge sense of mind. im so confused. but all i could think the next day was about what she has now. her family, her life. and what if this is lust, but what if it IS love and now i just dont know. i dont like doubt. it tastes bad, especially when it comes to something so important in life. i need time to think on this. hrm.
work beckons. i should go.

dear san antonio weather, right now i love you. but only for your rain and breeze. when the heat comes back ill be thinking of other cities everytime you touch me.
-stephanie

23.9.09

waking up with a wine hangover

and its been two months. hm.

my head is pounding and my mouth is too dry, on the phone my mom asks why are you talking like that.

ive been running all over the city and out of it lately. to the country to climb into a crazy awesome tree house crawling with cats, to higher up to austin to go to veggie heaven and get lost on 6th, and here finally. to hunt like a madwoman for an apt, peace of mind, and sushi. and what do you know, success!

its been a weird while, blog.

for a minute there i kind of floated. almost resigned. eh but theres no time for that. instead i got a new job, put gas into my car and never stopped moving. heres me, exhausted.

but really. my dad built one HELL of a tree house. his spirit moves me. hm.

(i seem sad in my last blogs) working on that.

for now! coffee. and a book outside. texas weather is gorgeous today. we can catch up later. yes?

18.7.09

i get

so jealous.

its like girls today are these tiny things, these beautiful things. they surpass everything that i am.

it hurts

just a little.

when i hear the boys i know talking about them. how wonderful and hot they are. i feel terrible.

im this curved not quite perfect thing.

im flawed?

i dont know anymore.

sigh.

13.7.09

just give it to me

because i'm so tired of waiting. and fighting. and working. its like i've been working my whole life. at everything. struggling with my own brain, with the people around me, with all these puzzles and obstacles and yet i've come 2 feet and fallen 12.
seriously.
im ready to lay down and beg. maybe. thats an extreme point to reach. but im almost there.
i mean.
i find these little moments in my life. these little tiny sparklers of intense good and warmth. they come in and out. one minute im destroyed or destroying, and then poof, hello this feels nice im smiling what is this, then poof again and oh this again.
i. repeat. too. much.

and this blog is already old news.
sigh.



i need rescue.

30.6.09

plural? hardly.

well my week here is over. tomorrow i get on a bus and settle in for 23 hours of good old fashioned boredom and as much sightseeing as you can do from a moving window.
san antonio waits for me. a little miffed i just ran off like that. she'll forgive me.
i dont know how excited i can be about this.
oh well.

its so late. ive made the complete transition to night animal. score. it always happens by accident and im not always ready for the return trip to working walking talking human. chain smoking and creeping on the internet has become a staple. coffee and infomercials. old friends.

i finally discovered twitter. been cheatin. ha.

sometimes when people hook up you know its magic and you wish it could be you.
bullet system. hello old fried.

lately ive had alot of mixed feelings. mostly jealousy and boredom. ive been working hard, painting and planning, but i still dont know if this is what i want or if im just passing time.

well.

im sure it will all work out. right now my brain is scoffing, but im determined.

time to rest. goodbye atlanta. i must resume my roles tomorrow.

29.6.09

Something about nighttime makes me itch. Too much to plan and no structure doesn't help.

28.6.09

Its too much to sleep.
Wait. This is all very confusing. I wish i could understand tone and context better. Sigh.

27.6.09

today

i went to the georgia aquarium in atlanta! it was really amazing. the animals were breathtaking. there was tons of salt and freshwater displays. even otters. my head could explode. it was massive. like 8 million gallons of water and and incredible color changing ceiling in the main entrance. sure kids and people were absolutely everywhere, but i couldnt take my eyes off the creatures in these wonderful roof tanks and open sandbar, it was enough to ignore that i got kicked in the shin twice and nearly tripped when a woman with a camera bigger then my head bumped me. i mean they had these huge i mean huge majestic whale sharks that they had literally just received and they were massive. they were part of this cool water tunnel and we watched them float by over our heads with hammerhead sharks and bright little fearless fish that schooled around the beasts like colorful wisps of smoke. they had these beautiful beluga whales too, and you could swear these guys knew they were being watched, they were so graceful and charming. the otters were the best part. the smaller ones were sleeping in an adorable pile and the larger one was playing with bright toys and really showboating. i laughed hard when me and this little girl next to me made the same oh my god thats too cute noise at the same time. i dont know it felt like i was a kid again. the whole place was incredible. here are some highlights:








afterwards we got some great shots of the surrounding downtown atlanta. i gotta say the city is big. i mean we have some nice skyscrapers in san antonio but my goodness, this city is full of landmarks and the most intricate architecture. the cnn, coca cola, home depot and ups home bases are here. our amazing cab driver, kofi, who is form ghana, drove us around and showed us what was where, good places to eat, where not to go without a knife and life insurance, and he told us about his intensely hard working life. oh we went to the olympic park and saw the torches, drove by every stadium and i marveled at just how GREEN everything. the highways were lined with trees, much like florida, with vines that wrapped the trees and almost made them seem like statues. i swear i saw an elephant and a bird perched on a huge arm chair. heh. it was exhausting and fun. more highlights:




Its been a long night. Nice to know mobile blogging will comfort me at least. Word.

wake up

nothing is free.
they might try to tell you it is. no strings attached and whatnot.
liars.
you will always pay.

26.6.09

system error [pleasant surprises]

in the last few weeks i have

-found an old friend. reconnected.
-danced to a great 80's cover band.
-filed for unemployment for the first time.
-painted like crazy.
-had some really good food and conversation.
-learned about brain disorders and antipsychotics.
-smiled. alot.
-missed blogging.
-longed for someone.
-fled temporarily to georgia.


hooray.

nice days are the shortest but it dont have time to mind.

1.6.09

its been a long time, but finally, a dream

its a little choppy and i just fell out of a sort of bed so ill ignore my back and eat a cookie and get it out.

it starts with me going to a huge house on a hill with family. im probably a little older than i am now, maybe 30. the house is old and everyone is milling on the porch waiting for the cue to go inside. we are visiting and uncle. hes very old and we have to be gentle with words and hugs, so says the head woman of our group. i dont recognize anyone. am i related to these people? we finally filter in, the rooms are dimly lit by strong outside light through heavy gauze like curtains. dust and and a stale taste are prominent. the bottom floor is very open. like a loft. with support beams and very few walls. in the largest room of the first floor there are children running. a dusty christmas tree is sagging against one of support beams. i walk through this room looking around me trying to find something familiar in the faces. by the tree i see a teenage girl pulling down a string of lights that had been stapled to the ceiling. a young boy is near her and she holds the lights out to him. they crackle and buzz and flicker on and off. my stomach turns. i find another room, this one full of adults. they stand around a bed with a heavy wooden frame and too frilly lace blankets. a small man lays in the bed. this must be the person we are here to see. the adults stand around him like disciples, leaning in and touching him every so often, though he never says a word. i want to leave now but as i turn to get out i hear the little boy from earlier screaming. the teenage girl runs past me in the hallway with smoke billowing from her liek she is on fire. shes crying i think but theres no time. in the main room the boy is rigid and open mouthed. no sound now but the sizzle. a man hits him with a huge wood stick and the boy slides to the floor. i find a bathroom and throw up. in the mirror my hair is brown and blond and very long with waves. i look older. but still tired. like now. i leave the house.
now im in a car and its nighttime. the man driving is blurry and i cant really see him well. theres another man behind me who looks like jim from the office. [probs because i had watched the entire fifth season before going to bed last night] he has his hand on my shoulder, i think we are together, i feel strong warm feelings for him. we are going down a steep hill and i realize we are going to back to the uncles home. my stomach drops i dont want to go. we are trying to find the house going much too fast down this hill. finally i spot it we skid and stop. all the lights are out. im quietly thankful. the man behind me [love] says ok thats it we are going to the seventy six. its right up there. he indicates a tall tower in the distance with a glowing orange ball at the top of the lightning rod. we go. we're on a highway now and its pouring rain. the cars around us cant handle it and some of them crash into medians and each other. they slide all around us and we struggle. i notice that the water isnt just coming from the sky there are hoses on either side of the highway pumping water out onto the road. im scared. as we drive i notice that the cars ahead of us are changing. into people. a purple car changes into a woman in a purple dress and she skids and slides and as i watch her the road turns into a bar with hardwood floors and tall windows. somehow we are standing in the bar too. i look around. at the top of the tower the view is amazing. there are alot of people and the man im with gets me a drink. in the corner of the bar another man sits on a pile of clothes. hes giving out pizza slices. this is all so confusing. there is no taste the beer is flat and the people seem bruised and shadowed. its very creepy. finally we are leavingbut as we leave the doors i realize that we arent leaving the tower but the house where [my?] uncle lives. what?? geez. the boys are ahead of me going towards the car when and old asian man leaps from the bushes to my right and pushes a finger into my throat. i warned you! why would you come here?! you are cursed!! hes screaming and jabbing me. hard. i yell at my man and he runs to us, pushing the old man away from me, pulling me into his arms. we walk away like that holding each other tightly. i dont want to let you go he says and i laugh then dont. as we walk past the yard i look and swear to god see a capybara [wikipedia it] chasing a small squirrel. he pulls me away from it when i start to cry. then hes letting me go and im waking up.

the end.


whooooo. what a dream.

what a state im in. sitting here in someone elses pajamas and trying to work through the rush in my head.

back to work.

again

and again.

the big circle embraces me just as im finally turning against it.

you bastard.

25.5.09

yep i got

fired.

the end.

concept found, a visit, decency. and the ground still shakes beneath me

ive been working. hard. i dropped so much money on supplies i found i had forgotten anything else and now ill starve happily while falling asleep with paint under my nails and the shadows of huge canvasses seen faint in the dark. ive completed 2 pieces so far. and me and tom found our idea while he described his process and i fretted over new gashes. the show will be called Skin and the Third Step. its about elasticity and coverage. the control of masochism and how you should sometimes ignore the first and second thought and work in the complexities and vagueness of the third. somehow we'll work it out and create something beautiful. excited.

[more]

my grandparents are going to be in town tomorrow. sigh. time to face this. the family thing. i dont want to.

[more still]

[i was going to type something her but lost my train of thought]

i am

-tired.
-confused by the residual feelings of a not quite relationship that never really was.
-brain dead from over thinking.
-smoked out.
-wondering how people can be so rude. really? this is how youre acting?
-scared for my job.
-sleeping on a couch.
-driving without a license with expired stickers.
-daring you to say something.
-obviously in the mood for a scrap.
-pulling my hair back.
-stable in a lying sense.
-fucking off balance.
-swimming in my dreams. alot. what does this mean.
-going to turn my phone off. i bother too many people too late at night you see. i want to call and scream into it. call anybody. i spill out in my texts. some people sleep with one another and wake up in regret. i text deep feelings and wake up the same.
-crushing on a girl at work. nothing new to me. just surprising.
-not enough for some.
-pretty charming. when in the right light.
-laughing at myself.



time to drive.

19.5.09

homie, i don't know, she's hot and cold

that's it.

snap.


done.

i just can't anymore.

18.5.09

mas

more from me. arent you excited.

in between the existential complaining and bipolar ranting im a real person.

[not an object]

today the customers at work were pissed off and screaming for blood and sales. sundays are fantastic for us at the ol book store. magazines and children flying everywhere. attitudes are super inflated and pulsing and acid drips from questions and in my cafe we get exact change. after 3 hours you lose your smile and start grumping. at least i do. heh. stomping around and slowly gaining momentum in my impatience. thank god for the people i work with. well some of them anyway. my co workers are so fucking weird! but they read and they invite me out and they talk and its like none of us fit the crowd we cater to. she's in paperchase crying but still amazing with her smiles as she tells us about the asshole who told her off and us discussing what we could do to him to make him pay, he's at info musing and probably trying to invade minds, she's in the cafe with me singing bad 80's music and creeping on the military boys. and by the end of the day im light and laughing again. buzzed on coffee and the things they said. comfort.

today wasnt too bad at all. i was bracing myself. slipping in my optimism, but footing was to be found. neat.

i need to paint and sleep. bad.

yessss.


my parents came over after work. why? to take showers. ???? they poked around and decided where to put the stuff they were moving in. my mom broke my kitchen sink somehow and couldnt turn the water off. they talked to my cats. somewhere in there i fell asleep on my couch and when i woke up they were kissing me goodbye, all my dishes were done, there was coke in the fridge, snacks on the table, and i had a full tank of gas. huh. they are like strange wonderful elves. hah. my parents are absolutely magical. i cant exist without them. they take care of me and i fluster them in funny ways. we are a dysfunctional always amusing little team.

[by the way]

i have tons of work ahead of me. me and tom are working on a concept series [secret] and hope to have a show up and running in late november. im doing installations, hes doing paintings and prints. hes already started on some of his. im still trying to rally thoughts and find motivation. the things i start i almost always destroy before they are finished. i need to work on this. but im busy and it keeps me in a sane and steady way. i hope this works out. if our connection doesnt come through, ill do the damn thing myself. im a smart girl. i can make this happen. the breakthrough is here and within reach. no time to waste.

its just been nice lately. ive been good lately.

its working out.

all of it.

it kind of has to now you know?

halo 17

i need this album.

right now.

16.5.09

today

i woke up and dyed a girls hair.
i sat on a bench and told him how it was.
i fell at work.
i made one hell of a cappuccino for some italian guy. he loved it.
i drove too much.
i thought about acid.
i wished for an ac.
i bought some wine.
now im here.

15.5.09

dear me

ladies and gentlemen gather round
hurry leave your children
in a forest perhaps
i kid


i dont live in my house anymore. i stray. jump in my sleepy cranky car and race into the night. fuming gasping and sometimes smiling. drunk and sick on the wave the absolutely endless wave of thoughts emotions and lingering rattlings. something shakes me and i flee. i think my walls are moving. time to go. im frantically texting. its too late for people too be awake but somehow this rational thought slips through cracks in the hungry pulsating brain in my heavy head. need. i need.
oh i cant stop my hands. they want to curl up on themselves. they keep moving.
you know this feels like disaster but come on its not.
calm down.
but why? why should i calm down? i feel like running. maybe fighting a bear. tearing paper. eating markers. slapping a nun.
its everything just to keep myself in this chair. to keep my chest from rising and falling to quickly. its too much to just sit.
all my mind wants to do is talk. oh god just shut up for one blissful second. stop turning over and go to sleep. leave me alone. evil creature. let me rest. let me have one day.
but no i only see reruns. of every waking second as far back as i can go when im not dreaming. its analysis time! its time to break it all down! i know its 4 in the goddamned morning but shit lets do this! shes so hyped up my brain. too excited. me and her are not on the same level. and yes that is possible.
fuck fuck fuck.

i stopped typing to light a cigarette and got lost in thought. its been ten minutes.

well.

im drowning in questions. i want to ask so many questions to people i cant seem to get to stay in the room with me. im chasing people around with a stick. they think i want to kill them but i only want to show them my cool new stick. get it? a metaphor? they dont give me many chances, as i usually do hit first and behave later. seeee???? i dont make sense. im flabbergasted at myself. sometimes i say things and immediately re run the sentence and laugh. whaaaat? did i just say? oh god. no wait come back. i meant.... fuck it. i feel like im falling into the arms of a mass of people who with no thumbs. they can only really push me around barely keep me up and never really grasp me. even when im frantically clawing at them.



the people i choose arent built for this.

im not built for explaining it either.

my blogs sound way more poetic when im going over them in my head in the car ride over.

questions ???? am i really that much? you cant just give in to me? i think im quite charming and interesting. you just think its best to keep ten feet.
ouch ouch ouch.

first time readers this is pretty normal. dont fret for your heroine.

im just lonely. for a while there i wasnt. i was pleased and full on something shiny and new and not real sure but yea. now its just me again. and im no good at reasoning with myself. i want the sweet words and hands to hip its going to be ok cause im here kind of feelings you only get with another [adjective] individual. short bursts cant sate you for long. you just end up with the sore your mouth tastes funny and whats this banging in my head oh great its morning get over it feeling.
thats my feeling. i should patent that shit.
i INVENTED that shit maybe.
[see im in your car but not your life]
[snarls are ripping from my throat and im just plain tired of giving]



give something to me.
give me words. give me courage. give me grace. give me something to just get through being this.
it all pours out so fast i really cant keep track.
there should be a set way to do this.
to purge.
music, places, touches and taste. thats all people are to me now. they stream in and out and i have nothing left but associations and confusing subconscious reactions.

madness.

i dont mean to be so

but now im not sure what i was saying.

8.5.09

pause in universe takes place and internal dialogue begins

fuck these stupid nails, typing is a travesty


jesus christ on the dance floor. another 4 am.


a list

i am-

-exhausted
-hoping i have a job still
-hating cigarettes
-waiting for the big pay off
-in need of peppermint tea
-finally seeing that he doesnt want me at all
-saddened by this fact
-still optimistic. fiercely and stupidly optimistic sometimes
-living in fantasies
-hopeless
-anxious. as always
-feeling foolish for crying at work today
-trying to wish an ac window unit into existence so i can get some goddamned sleep in my own house
-wondering why i havent left this state yet
-picking at scabs
-guilty over giving in
-missing the more important moments
-logging hours
-dreaming in the colorful bursts that push me through
-wanting to play scrabble with someone anyone ... anyone?
-again, exhausted

time goes on. i feel like a repeat of someone who failed just as badly. like im playing paint by numbers and somehow i mistook purple for green and now my forest looks like baby shit. i am pretty fucking frustrated. asking how did you get here stephanie did you think you were special and didnt have to jump hoops like this time it was different? hilarious. same old situations and me without the transcripts to find patterns and clues. just a blank sheet to tear apart when i finally said wait a minute fucking shit.
and you thought what?
the words would change?
the touches were anything more than suggestions and impulse?
that the score would bump and you would win?
laughable.
you had the clues all along. go back a few years and read your own words.
seat filler.
terrible thing.
basket case.
now pause. and pick up pieces. crazy glue? are you fucking serious. nice. get to work. no really. get to fucking work and FIX THIS. what are you going to sit around an be sad? for who them? nope. no maam. not tonight. not tomorrow. its time to rebuild and move in that magical direction.

forward.

youre much to old for this. too deserving and too bright to sit around and sink and wish. time to make it. and this time you will. i promise. ill take care of you. i know you best and i can feel the wind on your face and you must know that there is time and opportunity for that warmth to come back. hide now if you need to. get rest if you must.

but in a few hours youre waking up.

and this time its going to be something.

trust me.

5.5.09

and just like that

my words are meaningless.

hello down. i guess i was waiting for you.

current favorite song: cologne cerrone houdini by goldfrapp

sunlight in your eyes. and whatnot. so i found out today that my parents are moving in with me. fantastic. yes the two of them and my dog and all their stuff in my tiny one bedroom duplex and me holding the phone after my mom tells me trying to work through the emotions whirling. crap. crap crap. crap. its like im doomed to not be alone. heh. funny. almost.
come on this will be ok. youre fine. its ok.

no.

i have to go hyperventilate now.

4.5.09

approach with caution? yea the fuck right.

i always swan dive.


arms out, head back. breathe.



so theres light now? hm. i guess i still dont have it figured out. but i do know that something has shifted.
wow i feel good.
ive been getting up, getting out, smiling. flying. i swear i havent touched the ground lately. maybe it has to do with my place, the space ive created and cared for thats just mine. maybe its physical. maybe its just in my head. i think ive cleaned my attic. a little. freeing up some space for new shiny things and blowing dust off rusty forgotten ones. cleaning. digging. finding things out about this once scared terrible girl. i used to be so terrible. raging. fighting. wicked banter and me left with the prize that doesnt taste all the way right. but now. im here.walking and looking you in the eyes. even though you hardly look back at me.
[brave]
theres little doubt.

all the things that have made me. all the shit ive been through and touched and said. im the product of a whirlwind, mixed emotions, and plenty or sharp metal. yet im brilliant against the background, emerging with fists tight and guns abandoned. ready.

but you cant shake people and make them see. its hardly that easy and you only end up damaging them.

[i once thought]

it would be fitting. that i would come out of this cloud and find the others have left. but what a happy surprise, to find them waiting.

[and im smiling down only to myself]
kind of happy, i float on. a change so strange i didnt even notice, just ate it and ran with it. just enjoyed it and thought that i had finally found the spot i was supposed to stop and take as my own.
hm.
and yes there are dark spots. well. maybe not dark, but grey. its hard to find out that youve invested poorly. again. your trying to be reasonable and take a stand but you keep tripping and falling. thats the feeling. as i said earlier. falling.
[there are moments i dont know what to do with myself]
i sit at home and twitch. i get nervous alot. my masochism whines, i havent paid as much attention to it as before. it senses a rift and cries out. but now its easier to ignore. i cant afford new scars, dont need the blood. cant spare anymore t shirts and towels. and while i pace i sing instead of trace the bright marks. neat.
i sit across from someone and im reaching reaching reaching. and i know, i know, i play the words in my head. i dont forget that kind of twinge easily.
dont get attached lady.
[sadly, ive grown familiar]
yet even with that the incredibly new optimist in me smiles at you. she stares and asks questions. she listens and laughs. she touches and dances away and back again. shes silly and taken and wants you to wake up. she tries. shes trying.
maybe one day shell get the real prize. maybe all this really is worth it.
that flutter has to be worth it.
[moving on]
up.
i think im writing a book. yes. i am. with the philippines, california, downtown san antonio and blades. it might just be for me.
come on borders. give a little back.

fuck. im wired. on something sparkly and refreshing.

i cant stop moving.

and i cant wait for tomorrow night. people, a stage, cheap beer, and smoke.

bring it. monday night. give me that pounding sense of yesss.

23.4.09

i know how she feels

something is wrong with today. its sticky and too warm and heavy and i cant get the golden retriever smell out of my nose. ive been driving too much lately. i knew it would be something when i had a car. knew i would run every chance i get. fleeing from my own home, im getting in the car. engine come on, help me escape. but i always end up somewhere i just want to leave again. its tough. walking talking playing normal and somehow im doing it but inside im going bat shit crazy. theres no structure, so listen up. today was terrible in many ways. funny in some. laughable maybe. the switch in position, the strange return of him, work and the angry phone calls, me slipping and falling. ugh. i saw her face and as i walked to my car i remembered that it was years ago and oh boy were roles reversed. i just laughed out loud. i almost died on the highway today. it would have been messy and loud but at least it would be final.
where am i going?
why is there fog everywhere today. i only talk in riddles now. cant say things in proper form or context. inside jokes and cryptic texts. what is she thinking. will she ever just say yes or no? probably not. its all too much. negative nancy. silly girl.
im tired of this already and i need a shower and a shotgun.

out.

kittens

my stray had kittens

mom- sun dust
kittens- tessla, leader, ham, cricket, chewy


congrats

8.4.09

singing in public, mass horror, 2 days off, warm floaty feeling, and wondering where the prize is

cereal boxes get thrown across the room when stephanie digs and digs and comes up with sticky hands and a stupid nonsensical cardboard token. [give me plastic robots and tiny glass fish] anything. i wont swallow it. promise.

the last few days have been. nice.

people make me feel weird. i hate it. like falling.
i just cant seem to quit smoking.
im obsessed with other peoples relationships.
trying to work out knots and tangles.
trying not to cut off all my hair and move to kansas.
ill raise pigs.
anything.
today i got home and promptly fell into drawing on the strips of canvas on my living room floor. writing. cutting. i put on turn on the bright lights. i danced i sang. i sat in the middle of my kitchen and thought about food. trying to will it into existence. nothing. i guess i dont have powers. well certain ones. whatever. i went into the bathroom armed with yellow rubber gloves and ajax and scrubbed and sang more. yelled at the cats when they decided to knock over every jar of paint water in my house. i laid in bed and hated all four windows in my room. startd to miss the bed i wont have soon. tom gets home and im in a weird mood. he doesnt say much to me. i dont think were talking. he leaves and comes back with beer. i fly into a rage and leave. now im here. my eyes burn and i hate the internet. hate that i have all this to say but the words dont match.
yet im smiling.
memories of bars and stupid illogical sheets and shaking so hard in front of the small group while i butchered when you were young. drunk. watching the couple across from me touch and inside im kind of flying. driving at night. driving during the day. getting ready to work again. ugh. at least i got paid to get whiplash. dont ask. simple things are all i have. the more complex part of it all the part that maybe i want is still unreachable or impossible. im still a little breathless and time is ticking wait time is streaming. ouch whats wrong with the air? its stale and much too warm.
this is a bit much.
i cant blog with their voices behind me.

enough. i have to keep this warmth. i have to keep this.

drive home.

1.4.09

saturation

i have to be up and about in few too many hours. go to bed? pssshhh.
[quick! pull away from the deep spiraling black. think up up up positive up]
things that save me:
-the little red head at work with the bad free style spirit and the ability to make on hell of a cup cake. giddy up.
-coffee with a double shot and caramel and 3 raw sugars.
-my girls, piglet and the jet. my little warriors. my protectors. my spazztastic entertainers.
-recent realizations.
-cigarettes.
-vanilla soy
-the above but with cocoa pebbles.
-late nights.
-driving.
-my duplex with all the lights on and the tv blaring elephant shell.
-drawing little things at work and leaving them in weird places.
-beans in the hoppa.
-black hair dye. sometimes.
-music music music [currently tokyo police club, goldfrapp, the young dubliners, amanda fucking palmer, pj harvey, and elliot smith]
-believing in people that are miles away and still moving. don't look back honey.
-thomas.
-makeovers.
-deep thought in the afternoon hours. when i finally wake up.
-my dreams.
-lunch breaks.
-warm words.

im in combat currently. fighting against the down part of the manic versus the depression. depression is up by alot right now. foul. ugly. sticky. it hurts. bad. and somehow i know i have to turn things around in my head. arms up. guns drawn. fingers itchy im waiting for a moment to move. holding my breath im underwater. fleeing from familiar faces and an even more familiar pain. i hate this. i want to turn my phone off. i want to call in to work and never go back. i want to get in my car and drive just drive to the ocean and run into it. laughing in a way that isnt funny at all. hm. images pour ever and spill into every crevasse of the home that is my brain. the attic has a leak. i have no one to call and im no handy [wo]man. sigh. im up all night. but instead of pacing and chattering im staring and forgetting how to work my xBox. giving up im laying on the couch and the cats crawl on me. maybe they know whats going on. theyre trying to revive me. reminding me to feed them. telling me its going to be ok. but im useless and i reach to touch them but theyve been gone for hours. at work i cant simply cant hold my smile anymore. my regulars tilt their heads and i can only shrug and say its nothing. doesnt matter. and i disappear into the back room to sit and contemplate the dishes. im exhausted i just want to sleep. the bed is huge. the blankets tangle with my hair and im sore everywhere. this is like a bad wellbutrin commercial. im that girl sighing and crying in them. i see myself on there in these commercials for the medication i cant afford. do it yourself doesnt work well with bipolar. ouch ouchie ouch. the things in the list above help. but somehow im always starving for oxygen and scratching my skin. the week just started. awesome.

lets do it.

18.3.09

the basics

i am always awake at this hour.


gross. why cant i write?

im sick with jealousy.
confused by stupid kids.
feeling anxious.

ive been dreaming. like always. these things that happen to me in them are devastating when i wake up. i can do so much in them, im so much more in them, then the alarm has been going off for hours and im late. again. the drive kills the smoke and mirrors, getting out and up into sunlight and customer service ive lost the last of what i can remember as escape. the last one was strange. a huge crater turned amusement park, fake rivers that were almost dry, earthy dark rooms with glass boxes in the centers and the man with the pulleys. suit and tie sunday best. games i dont understand. ugh, its already gone. sleep will come. eventually even to me. i always hope it will bring water meeting purple skies and the boy i inevitably fall for every night. different setting same idea. take me out of this. get me as far from waking as i can get. coma deep i am level and pure. except when i dream about clowns. thats never good news.
[hrm]
mostly its people i cant deal with. this city is so small. too fucking packed with uncomfortably familiar faces and used oxygen. the people i know drive me bat shit. tempers and alcohol. pot and accusations. nonsense.
and you, god im so tired of having to deal with you. no not you darling. not yet but you. you call me and tell me you cant be my friend anymore. that youre in love with me, whatever that means to me anymore, that you think im silly and too loud and that ive broken your heart. you just came back remember? we just fixed the last stupid thing and now this? fantastic. like we were anything to begin with. im left holding the phone and the expression on my face must have been something since tom quickly gets up and leaves. rage. shock and awe. a terrible amusement at the sheer idiocy that is the human race. people are walking talking travesties. simple and ape like almost always. throwing shit and shit fits and passing off lust and sudden bursts of anger as passion and grace. amazing. im shaking my head and almost laughing. it just all seems so silly now. your ridiculous. and i wont miss it. i cant afford to miss you, boy, we had a good go but this is too much. frustrated. ugh. after that fun moment i make a friend come over and saturate him in music and my second hand smoke as i pace and rave and tremble. while these things are lunacy they still shake me. people will always get under your skin. they leave things in your home or in your mind and theres just no way to clear it all out at once. if only. i think im done stringing along while people say they might make time. i dont have enough for myself.







[i hope your enjoying creeping around my blog by the way.]
me, i always love the attention.


god how will i drive home like this.
riled.

i need her soft voice and my girls and my blankets.

word.

16.3.09

put me to sleep

in this state i may fight.


its so early.

how do people give in so easily. is it so hard to say no? so hard to put forth effort and realize that physicality is simple and emotion is strength?

who knows.

ive always been a fighter. bared teeth and knuckles and me reaching towards your face.

[direct hit]

i feel more powerful, seeing images of weak and destructive people.

for as destructive as i can be, i have the sense of personal respect so rare these days.

just say hello darling, dont slip.

sleep is attacking me.
[deep and black and soothing]

fine.

just this once.

15.3.09

to be resistant, the other night and the ones that followed, and dancing away the week

smoke smoke smoke

stomach turning.

ouchie.

i have a slightly desperate look in my eyes right now.

too much in my head. i can't get started.

who the fuck designed my duplex? who was the asshole who put the mirror in the bathroom just a tiny bit higher than normal so i have to be on my toes when im trying to get ready in light speed for work? makeup becomes a workout. all the outlets are sideways. the ceilings are too high goddamnit. theres no vent for the stove so the fire alarm goes off while im cooking and im left fanning the beeping thing and prying open painted windows. i stomp through the small space, befuddled, glancing at the parts of it that don't fit or make sense. it smells like grandma in there. [no one else has acknowledged this, maybe im imagining that part] no doors on the frames, i walk circles into the kitchen into the living room into the kitchen. theres wallpaper on one wall, four feet up, and thats it. ????? oh well. at least the lights work and the cats are happy to smell the strange blue carpet. harumph. what an odd place.
might just be perfect for me.
ive had a very real fear that maybe ill be trapped here. in this city. i see people i know, getting soft and settled. content? maybe resigned. a copper taste and i know im growing roots. here i shake my feet. ok, theyre still a metaphor. but how much longer do i have before the air becomes too thick and i cant breathe anymore just function and tread. shake it off shake it off shake it off.
for now i can handle this. maybe.
the other night i drove across town in rain and cold to get the voice ive been missing these past few years. deep and familiar. he gets in my car and i start to panic. what am i thinking... whats this..... i cant do this. but there we were. in the parking lot at work now. its been hours and the windshield holds rain and our coffee is cold and im not as nervous anymore. hes the same boy i used to know. adore, love, whatever. years ago we destroyed each other. the fall was incredible, epic and cruel. and yet.... its true .... i could never trust anyone like i trusted him. i could never let go. maybe i never did, just put on a good front. you still make me shake. and i want to be here. this isnt like before. welcome back.
sigh. but its terrifying.

everything is so damn terrifying.

last night i danced with people i adore. we watched a classy lady expose herself then we went back to singing bad rap and dancing like the east siders we are. drunk and smiling i hug and pull and move. it felt wonderful and i forgot that i had all this trash in my head for just long enough. her smile, his hand on my arm and the pulsing lights mingle with new faces and smoke. smile honey, this is what you need.

sigh.

what can i do to make a straight line? nothing.

powerless.

head rush.

done.

14.3.09

give thanks

for the simple and moving things we have.

sometimes there is nothing else.

9.3.09

vent vent vent vent

little things tear at me. devour me.

theres nothing easy about going through days as this. reading too much into movements and words. reaching. if you will. upward and away from the dark spots below. away from the stagnant and pale. this last week has been the most confusing of this year. twisting and butterflies and this new and fleeting emotion i thought was once dead. passion? is that you? too bad. your coming in a weird time. stephanie meets boy, stephanie goes to work, stephanie hears voice she hasnt heard in years and years, stephanie comes to realization. not all of this feels good. but most of it does. delicious and frightening.
the boy. quick breaths and arms locked. being kissed like that hurts. i fell. weak. gave too much. and now its no ones fault but mine that im just a girl again. if anything, a goodbye fuck. weak weak weak weak. i go back to the blogs i wrote before. i always fall for boys the hardest when they are the most impossible to attain. when they are too busy or too intense or too much or ... leaving. maybe its a stigma with me. i just like the rush. maybe im trying to prove i can make them stay. most times they dont and im left breathless and wandering. well see. theres still time for me. i shouldnt care so much about them.
work comes in short bursts. time flies and im reeling at the end of the day, coffee grounds cling to my fingers and the customers names are slurring together. they ask me if everything is ok, but im all smiles and head shaking when im there. makeup and eyelashes flashing. intimidating and strong. the perfect shade of yes sir. maybe. then im in the elevator going up one floor and im sagging against the wall and praying for the strength to straighten and walk out. back into it. these new people are strange. they invite me out and talk and laugh and i take them in and we romp. i like the poeple i work with. sometimes.
the duplex is terrifying and usually too warm. i pace and listen to the music people give me. painting saves me. my cigarettes save me. but not always. i put my fists through my bedroom window the other day. im too dramatic maybe.
[dogs barking and killing each other and i just want the noise to stop]



i dont know how i feel right now! actually its kind of mixed. i feel twitchy and scared and at the same time brave and standalone.

silly.

ridiculous.

jumping guns.

tripping.


what is coming? who knows! in and out and me at the wheel. drunk and heavy with thought.

ugh.

i cant write anymore.

ive lost it.

1.3.09

maybe im all messed up

but then again this is the only time....

never mind.

instances change emotion.

and im all about it.

all over it.

time for the new parts.


today my dog dug into my neighbors yard and tried to woo her tinier more angry dog.
i had to carry his heavy ass back home.

this day was cursed from the start you could say.

im already over it.

current favorite song: my girls by animal collective.

the other night me and some great boys walked through hemisfair.
we walked by the fountains and looked at the art. dizzy headed i agreed to move to chicago.

its about that time any way.

time to leave.

i dont think ill look back.

27.2.09

wake up

clear head

how is it i have you when im this deep in it.

words from a kindred spirit and the girl in the bathroom.

breath taking. life is breathtaking sometimes.

it instills faith. and truth.

let me finally write about him. cryptic still but this time, the heart ache gone, the pain gone. finally maybe we've found our way back. to what should have been.
and i ask you.
remember our first conversation? when you told me all those things. your life and your struggle. when we poured all over the other. when even though we hardly knew one another we shared. im glad youre back in some way. glad we have finally moved past it all. all the shit and the grey areas and the want and the pain. this is what we were meant for maybe.
we shall see.

and this girl. god this girl. tonight in the bathroom of some restaurant. she was crying and i was there. i ask her whats wrong and she sobs. tells me not to worry but i go and put my arms around her. and she tells me her life. im nothing she says. just some stripper she says. she cries and i hug her tighter and push her towards the mirror. look i say look at yourself. such a pretty girl. lost and forgotten. shes pregnant. shes nothing. she repeats it. and ive been there. she says i dont know you. i say it doesnt matter. this is what we are. women and all that is strong and powerful. she looks at me and my heart breaks. i tell her about womens week and i brush tears from her eyes. she breathes and this time the tears stop. maybe she will see. maybe she wont. but life isnt math and this might be the turning point.

right now im full of emotion.

full of hope and full on the night.

this.

this is it.

what dreams are made of.

like i said, we shall see.

25.2.09

how

is it
i'm this ...

loopy

right now.

see: the falling down stairs blog.

then in a second im clear headed and the flow of everything these last few weeks gave me is drowning me.
confusing lead ons.
calling in.
sleep sleep sleep.
pills.
being drunk in and out.
here and there.
stories and yes, that wonderful kind of friction.
nothing beats the kind of acceptance i have.
nothing could be more pure.

23.2.09

what was and now is not

a list:

too much and too often i am

-waiting
-smoking
-cackling
-picking at things
-pacing
-wanting
-trying to make people understand what it is to be like this
-marveling at people who float through like they dont care
-confused
-under the influence
-awake
-reaching


what is it to want anyway. a simple thing really. i see people at work and i want to touch my chin to their shoulders. i sense the grief in old people and i want to take them to dinner and let them spill over the table into my brain. preparation. i want so many things. ive said it before. never the storybook romance, never the picket fence. maybe a sense of being that isnt ever changing. maybe another person who can tell me what it means to exist and how we can change that state. think tanks. other people. i want to peel them open and crawl into their warm minds. invasion. always the invader. not true. somehow im always left on the side of the road. scratching my head and trying to find a highway to get home and clean myself up. thumbs out, mouth open. wonderful image.

last night i dreamt. finally.
about a woman in the rocks of the ocean in a dress that was so red when it touches the water and blended into the waves it looked like she was bleeding satin.
a rape and a worse form of love.
of work. and the people there. its funny how your mind changes people and in the dreams you have they look how you feel about them.
and me waiting on the edge of a bed for someone who would never come. heh. take it how you want it.

maybe its cause i watched Fur directly before going to sleep.

i feel strange today. awesome.

:/

there's a better way to say certain things

but never the right amount of time.
[rush]
holy shit have i forgotten how to type? has it been this long?
my fingers fumbling and me tripping balls on something he dropped into my mouth while i dyed my hair. was it that kind of night. maybe so. maybe the taste of vanilla coke made me ignore the consequences as i swallowed. the dye washes out and as with every attempt i'm new and changed refreshed in the high illogical mirror in my little bathroom. its foggy and i'm looking intently. scissors cross my mind, too much trouble. then my house is too small and cold an quiet and now i'm here in the warm loving arms of the interweb trying to find my footing. i couldn't stay there, left to pace and lay awake and pick at my couch.
nights are a challenge again. overwhelming and long. they aren't for sleeping. not to me. just stretches of dark time and nothing on the tv. books i've already read scattered and i haven't done my homework how could i focus at a time like this anyway.
the only thing i seem to do consistently is go to work. heres me, wired on shots of expresso and chocolate, staring. people flow in and out. control your children please. [yea right] heres me in a state, learning names of people ill never really know and making coffee coffee coffee coffee. its fun work, i should say. but repetitive in its actions. my hands flick off caps, shake water from things, hit the buttons.
[what was i even talking about before.]
cant keep track you see. this night, maybe im coming down. im losing energy fast. im confused. my friends send me cryptic texts, with words in the wrong order, theyre drunk somewhere, theyre lost, something about killing things then abrupt cut offs and stretches of silence. i need answers from certain people, but it doesnt seem as important to them. welcome back paranoia.
oof, these pills, what color were they? my body feels floaty.
the other night i went to a club, one of my old haunts you could say, from a different time. i drank until the lights swam and the boy i was with was dead meat. im an attacker lately. a destroyer? something. im something. its just unclear right now. in and out and me the next morning with that wonderful devastating feeling in my stomach. cant eat. too nervous, cant fight back, its funnier this way.
do you get it? i dont. i just miss the flow and bustle of the words and the truth that they imply. you wouldnt lie to me would you he asks me. i look back at him and almost cock my head in amusement. boys. they look at you funny when they think your not looking. personal questions and awkward touches. fun fun fun.

i should do this every night.

maybe then i could go back and edit for dramatic effect and get some goddamn sleep.