28.8.07

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the title????

Hooray blogging.

[my little lover]

I reallllly need a com.

I mean.

I've made several attempts to write at home. Tried the primitive paper and pen method. It all makes me sick really. Bah. And now, of course, I'm here at the computer and nothing is happening.

Urrrrg.

Oh god my stomach sure is happy though. Haven't had my moms cooking in a while, haven't watched the family cat eat a pigeon in a while, haven't had a goddamned calm moment in a while.

Nice.

Since we've last talked gentle readers I've fallen a bit out of line. Been drunk quite a bit through these patches. [silver lined steel, green glass mickeys]….Winged most of the conversation and explanations. [but you don't understand, and no I don't remember] Yet I have to say I've come out on top if not hanging from a nail. It's been a decent goings on. I got a few answers, cried in public, danced to goodbye horses, hugged Charlie and taken an extreme liking to a funny little game called phase 10. decent.

I stop typing here.

And think about cigarettes.

Heh.

Addiction. It's fucking wonderful.

Now, on a new note, in the ways of thinking. And dreaming. I've been all over the fucking place.

I've been cur-azy.

Last night I had a vivid blue dream. I was at school- High school for some reason. The structure was winding and brick. Beige walls and open classroom doors. Me and tom were walking through the streams of people. It was like classes were only in session for a few minutes before bells were ringing and the halls were full again. We saw Todd over by the attendance counter signing in for something. We walk over to him and tell him we're ditching and that he should come, that the water was calling us and the sand was packed perfect. [?] We start for the back exit. I glance in every other classroom and see people I know sitting and talking. They whisper about disappearances. They wave at us and turn back again. Finally we hit the doors and run full speed straight out. The ocean laps at the beach that runs parallel with the school. The water is rich and blue and calm. We run down the beach feet digging into the sand, which is wet like rain had just visited. Todd laughs and dives in. we see cops coming down at us, I don't waste anymore time. As I enter the water it isn't so much a feeling if being wet as it is warm and enveloping. Tom grabs me and we splash. I wake up.

It's very interesting.

I just remember

-the sensation of being very, very, very small in the extensive sprawl of ocean.

-the sand packed so firm I had to dig with my nails to make the hole.

-the sound of the bells between classes and the reverberations.

Saturday the end of the night came around and I was in super Kierkegaard mode. The night had been a little rough. The club was fun sure. But the icy hand of things unsettled was around my waist and the words of a hesitant friend struck me louder than any song that night. I felt all alone in the middle of the smoke and the lights. I felt like I was fighting a pointless war.

"If you cant love yourself then you cant love anyone else"

Hrm.

How do words of wisdom work when all you can see through the blur is red then blue then red again?

Well?

Ah well.

As I was saying the end of the night was me and Abe and a case of beer, out on the porch, drunk, and in my case belligerent, cigarettes and me rambling and rambling about the existential queries that plaque me day by day.

I know I was quite poetic at times.

And thoroughly depressing the rest.

All in all.

I found my center that night.

For a second I had it.

Then I was sober in the morning and the conversation was gone.

See.

Easy.

yes.

20.8.07

ahem [in addition]

so i thought i could sit here and sift and sift through the lovable filth that is the interweb and be ok with doing so but apparently im not. you see im having some slight security issues and i think my brain is terrible mad at me for being such a little wuss about certain recent sitch-ee-a-shons. maybe i need a book right now, something dark and curvy with sex and maybe some gore and perhaps an affable sidekick. gimme gimme gimme. then again this could just all be due to all the coffee ive insisted on drinking today. bah. i was just sitting here feeling a little shitty until i thought of that guy with the sign. the one that yelled at us.... "think of jesus while your getting wasted, fornicators go to hell, sinners have to fight". we walked away laughing didnt we? we walked away screaming our outrage. then that rush took me. then that swell of something red and strong seized my chest, something telling me that there is significance and its all in the little scores of happenings. the jesus freak one second. the mexican with the bagpipes the next. here we are simply walking and talking, making fun of the strange and fluffing in the humid air and we dont even half realize what it all means. tejano and the sun setting. the tired way our legs dragged. i just had to think of saturday. and ive found my comfort. even that sliver we understand, it means the world doesnt it? at least to me. heh.

i love it when that happens. realizations. hrm.

a sore throat and the things he said

[me to myself]

You're up way too early.

With the bed head and the laundry and the shifting of papers behind you. With all the churning that your stomach is doing. With all the acid there.

You'd much rather be sleeping the starter hours of a coma like 18 hours. Wouldn't you?

What are you doing?

When did you lose control of last week?

Head tilted, brain working, failing.

It was all so nice. Wasn't it?

Hrm.

[end conversation]

Stupid arrogant me. With my questions. And my points.

Yea.

I hurt.

Ugh, all I can think about is that dark club.

What the hell happened? One minute I'm damn near happy. One minute im feeling. Talking. Trusting. One minute I'm beautiful and laughing and dancing and being.

There was a slight shift in shittiness in the world and he walked out of it away from it.

to me.

And I'm not one for hope, believe me. I'm the one talking my friends out of girls and boys. I'm the one with the cigarettes and the bitterness. This isn't me.

[Well maybe for a few hours when the name on the phone tells me to pick up if you want to smile.]

[maybe if only for a few minutes at the end of the night, where he tells me to kiss him]

Arg.

Its very hard not to be agitated at the whole situation.

Because now I'm just a fool girl confused.

Here I see me standing perfectly still except for my hands listening while the walls fall. From nowhere. My own doing I suppose. Or not, I don't know.

It all happened then it all stopped.

And god help me if don't still care about him.

Don't get me wrong, I do have tough skin. I could deal with being downgraded, I could "slow down" or take space. But ask me where my abandonment issues stem from and ill tell you. Things like this. Things like being dropped completely and utterly in one single night. When words fall lifeless between you and the painfully interesting boy standing with a drink in front of you.

[Ouch]

He tells you this isn't the time to talk about it.

You couldn't agree more, but as mentioned before you don't know what the hell happened.

[You just want to know…..]

He tells you he's getting riled up.

Errrr….

[Must be when your emotions betrayed you, is all]

Your eyes fall to the ground.

He tells you not to cry.

You've never felt more like laughing.

[Besides you can hold them back till you get to the car]

He says he wants to be friends- that you'll talk tomorrow.

[Hmmm. Can YOU tell when you're being lied to? Me neither.]

Ask me how I can cry over a boy I've known for a month or so. Ask me how I can care so goddamned much. Ill just cover my face and tell you to fuck off.

Foolish me, letting the ol' guard down.

Sucks too. I really liked that club…..

There is a lot I still have to say, but id rather not say it to you computer.

Sigh.

My dreams are telling me that im wasting time. They take me to school, they make me fall in love, they confuse me in good ways and make me run more than I do in waking hours. Their trying to push me into happiness. They must know that I love them so. Hah. They work hard for me. I try not to let them leave. Most times they around me head for days at a time. Im lucky that way. To be so REM deprived. Lucky.

Last night the dream was in a huge glittering city.

I just remember

-my grandma telling me I was beautiful.

-my aunt running down the street.

-me not being able to spell "parody"

-the floats and the flowers.

Pretty.

Ugh I still feel antsy.

And wouldntcha know it! I'm getting sick. Ay, my throat is killing me and my muscles hurt. I think it may be these diet pills I'm trying, seeing how I did have a slight panic attack last night. I think I may be done screwing with nature.

[stupid god complex and nightly experiments…..]

Rarrr, break out of it Stephanie. Fuck. Soon you'll have clean clothes and maybe you can steal a burrito from your parents. Sweeet.

I need to paint something.

I need to write more.

I need … well a lot.

But I want just as much.

Is this dooming me to be disappointed my whole life?

Is it really as stupid as I feel to have so many expectations for the human race.

I think ill keep my silly perspectives.

Might as well. Maybe one day they'll pan out, maybe one day ill be surprised in that fluttery way again and not have to blog about it later. Maybe.

I like maybe.

Heres to this.

Just this.

13.8.07

whaaaaaat?

just sayin.

im at my dads right now. doesnt seem fair that im always here but i do enjoy his company so. plus we're watching E's most shocking moments in entertainment history. heh. yes we're lame. no i dont care.

i had a weird dream last night. something strange and comforting about a certain person in it made me wonder how it was all happening so fast and so real. there was a buffet and a dance floor and a boat in the end and several high high jumps. bah it doesnt make any sense in main point form but it doesnt bother me. i was there. i woke up at 7 shuddering and laughing. i woke up again almost screaming after falling into the water. i woke up yet again holding his hand begging him to protect me.

how very strange. i dream hard.

oh funny thing. as some of you know our toilets have been shitty lately. "har har". but this morning they work just fine. its nice to remember how to flush a toilet all over again. [gross tidbit, i know]

[my dad is yelling at the tv. you see, he doesnt want to go to the store without seeing the number 1 most shocking event, heh, cute]

god its hotttt.

so lately ive been struggling with my head. if you have read my older blogs im sure you can gather im not all that okay up there. after the stay i had to endure i dont want a repeat but i dont know what to do. im just anxiety, im only questions, im all sharp edges and where to use them. my wrist burns, my fingers are sore and all i can think about is the broken glass falling from the picture frame onto my bed. sigh.
your right abe, i am morbid.
but not because i want to be.
its my nature.
its my comfort zone.

bah.

you know its not that im not having fun in the world. swear. im usually very happy. i just worry too much. i think the happy thoughts but never really get off the ground. its a harsh reality im sure, and one that i will have to deal with. but still. i should be ok.
should be.
i mean, i have [someone] in my head right now that could make me smile with a single nudity reference. hrm. plus he wears suspenders.
you say nobody misses you.
well...

hm.

[sidebar- oj simpson was number 1. my dad was disappointed]

im blogged out.

sigh

11.8.07

away

thats where i want to take you.

my song.

thats what i want to dance to.

alive.

thats the place in the universe ill settle into tonight.

heres to dizzy heads and the ever present fleeting touch.

heres to being here.

for all the existential loveliness.

im connecting.

1.8.07

me and her

over the last few days ive had the insane urge to grab paper and a pen and write people letters. every one. ive wanted to tell people just what i thought at just that moment and most times i just sighed and kept cleaning the kitchen or smoking my cigarette. yep. i just cant do the primitive writing. the paper and the ink, the scratching noises and the smudges. its unhealthy. when im banging keys and able to sing or eat and type faster than i would if i was turning pages and sharpening pencils im on board. its all this. then my only obstacle is: where do i go once im here. thats my problem. i get here. and nothing. its all done. all my little thoughts and funny what ifs, there all gone. my short little memory fails me every time. and if it doesnt it keeps it from me until im just far enough from the computer. cruel brain. damn you.

my mom is funny. she keeps getting on me about babies.

its a little creepy.

so.

theres me again trailing off and having so much more to write. bah.

soon.

in addition:

our house that we recently moved into has been having alot of problems. but now we're on track.

i hope we can make it here. i really dont want to move anymore.....