25.5.09

yep i got

fired.

the end.

concept found, a visit, decency. and the ground still shakes beneath me

ive been working. hard. i dropped so much money on supplies i found i had forgotten anything else and now ill starve happily while falling asleep with paint under my nails and the shadows of huge canvasses seen faint in the dark. ive completed 2 pieces so far. and me and tom found our idea while he described his process and i fretted over new gashes. the show will be called Skin and the Third Step. its about elasticity and coverage. the control of masochism and how you should sometimes ignore the first and second thought and work in the complexities and vagueness of the third. somehow we'll work it out and create something beautiful. excited.

[more]

my grandparents are going to be in town tomorrow. sigh. time to face this. the family thing. i dont want to.

[more still]

[i was going to type something her but lost my train of thought]

i am

-tired.
-confused by the residual feelings of a not quite relationship that never really was.
-brain dead from over thinking.
-smoked out.
-wondering how people can be so rude. really? this is how youre acting?
-scared for my job.
-sleeping on a couch.
-driving without a license with expired stickers.
-daring you to say something.
-obviously in the mood for a scrap.
-pulling my hair back.
-stable in a lying sense.
-fucking off balance.
-swimming in my dreams. alot. what does this mean.
-going to turn my phone off. i bother too many people too late at night you see. i want to call and scream into it. call anybody. i spill out in my texts. some people sleep with one another and wake up in regret. i text deep feelings and wake up the same.
-crushing on a girl at work. nothing new to me. just surprising.
-not enough for some.
-pretty charming. when in the right light.
-laughing at myself.



time to drive.

19.5.09

homie, i don't know, she's hot and cold

that's it.

snap.


done.

i just can't anymore.

18.5.09

mas

more from me. arent you excited.

in between the existential complaining and bipolar ranting im a real person.

[not an object]

today the customers at work were pissed off and screaming for blood and sales. sundays are fantastic for us at the ol book store. magazines and children flying everywhere. attitudes are super inflated and pulsing and acid drips from questions and in my cafe we get exact change. after 3 hours you lose your smile and start grumping. at least i do. heh. stomping around and slowly gaining momentum in my impatience. thank god for the people i work with. well some of them anyway. my co workers are so fucking weird! but they read and they invite me out and they talk and its like none of us fit the crowd we cater to. she's in paperchase crying but still amazing with her smiles as she tells us about the asshole who told her off and us discussing what we could do to him to make him pay, he's at info musing and probably trying to invade minds, she's in the cafe with me singing bad 80's music and creeping on the military boys. and by the end of the day im light and laughing again. buzzed on coffee and the things they said. comfort.

today wasnt too bad at all. i was bracing myself. slipping in my optimism, but footing was to be found. neat.

i need to paint and sleep. bad.

yessss.


my parents came over after work. why? to take showers. ???? they poked around and decided where to put the stuff they were moving in. my mom broke my kitchen sink somehow and couldnt turn the water off. they talked to my cats. somewhere in there i fell asleep on my couch and when i woke up they were kissing me goodbye, all my dishes were done, there was coke in the fridge, snacks on the table, and i had a full tank of gas. huh. they are like strange wonderful elves. hah. my parents are absolutely magical. i cant exist without them. they take care of me and i fluster them in funny ways. we are a dysfunctional always amusing little team.

[by the way]

i have tons of work ahead of me. me and tom are working on a concept series [secret] and hope to have a show up and running in late november. im doing installations, hes doing paintings and prints. hes already started on some of his. im still trying to rally thoughts and find motivation. the things i start i almost always destroy before they are finished. i need to work on this. but im busy and it keeps me in a sane and steady way. i hope this works out. if our connection doesnt come through, ill do the damn thing myself. im a smart girl. i can make this happen. the breakthrough is here and within reach. no time to waste.

its just been nice lately. ive been good lately.

its working out.

all of it.

it kind of has to now you know?

halo 17

i need this album.

right now.

16.5.09

today

i woke up and dyed a girls hair.
i sat on a bench and told him how it was.
i fell at work.
i made one hell of a cappuccino for some italian guy. he loved it.
i drove too much.
i thought about acid.
i wished for an ac.
i bought some wine.
now im here.

15.5.09

dear me

ladies and gentlemen gather round
hurry leave your children
in a forest perhaps
i kid


i dont live in my house anymore. i stray. jump in my sleepy cranky car and race into the night. fuming gasping and sometimes smiling. drunk and sick on the wave the absolutely endless wave of thoughts emotions and lingering rattlings. something shakes me and i flee. i think my walls are moving. time to go. im frantically texting. its too late for people too be awake but somehow this rational thought slips through cracks in the hungry pulsating brain in my heavy head. need. i need.
oh i cant stop my hands. they want to curl up on themselves. they keep moving.
you know this feels like disaster but come on its not.
calm down.
but why? why should i calm down? i feel like running. maybe fighting a bear. tearing paper. eating markers. slapping a nun.
its everything just to keep myself in this chair. to keep my chest from rising and falling to quickly. its too much to just sit.
all my mind wants to do is talk. oh god just shut up for one blissful second. stop turning over and go to sleep. leave me alone. evil creature. let me rest. let me have one day.
but no i only see reruns. of every waking second as far back as i can go when im not dreaming. its analysis time! its time to break it all down! i know its 4 in the goddamned morning but shit lets do this! shes so hyped up my brain. too excited. me and her are not on the same level. and yes that is possible.
fuck fuck fuck.

i stopped typing to light a cigarette and got lost in thought. its been ten minutes.

well.

im drowning in questions. i want to ask so many questions to people i cant seem to get to stay in the room with me. im chasing people around with a stick. they think i want to kill them but i only want to show them my cool new stick. get it? a metaphor? they dont give me many chances, as i usually do hit first and behave later. seeee???? i dont make sense. im flabbergasted at myself. sometimes i say things and immediately re run the sentence and laugh. whaaaat? did i just say? oh god. no wait come back. i meant.... fuck it. i feel like im falling into the arms of a mass of people who with no thumbs. they can only really push me around barely keep me up and never really grasp me. even when im frantically clawing at them.



the people i choose arent built for this.

im not built for explaining it either.

my blogs sound way more poetic when im going over them in my head in the car ride over.

questions ???? am i really that much? you cant just give in to me? i think im quite charming and interesting. you just think its best to keep ten feet.
ouch ouch ouch.

first time readers this is pretty normal. dont fret for your heroine.

im just lonely. for a while there i wasnt. i was pleased and full on something shiny and new and not real sure but yea. now its just me again. and im no good at reasoning with myself. i want the sweet words and hands to hip its going to be ok cause im here kind of feelings you only get with another [adjective] individual. short bursts cant sate you for long. you just end up with the sore your mouth tastes funny and whats this banging in my head oh great its morning get over it feeling.
thats my feeling. i should patent that shit.
i INVENTED that shit maybe.
[see im in your car but not your life]
[snarls are ripping from my throat and im just plain tired of giving]



give something to me.
give me words. give me courage. give me grace. give me something to just get through being this.
it all pours out so fast i really cant keep track.
there should be a set way to do this.
to purge.
music, places, touches and taste. thats all people are to me now. they stream in and out and i have nothing left but associations and confusing subconscious reactions.

madness.

i dont mean to be so

but now im not sure what i was saying.

8.5.09

pause in universe takes place and internal dialogue begins

fuck these stupid nails, typing is a travesty


jesus christ on the dance floor. another 4 am.


a list

i am-

-exhausted
-hoping i have a job still
-hating cigarettes
-waiting for the big pay off
-in need of peppermint tea
-finally seeing that he doesnt want me at all
-saddened by this fact
-still optimistic. fiercely and stupidly optimistic sometimes
-living in fantasies
-hopeless
-anxious. as always
-feeling foolish for crying at work today
-trying to wish an ac window unit into existence so i can get some goddamned sleep in my own house
-wondering why i havent left this state yet
-picking at scabs
-guilty over giving in
-missing the more important moments
-logging hours
-dreaming in the colorful bursts that push me through
-wanting to play scrabble with someone anyone ... anyone?
-again, exhausted

time goes on. i feel like a repeat of someone who failed just as badly. like im playing paint by numbers and somehow i mistook purple for green and now my forest looks like baby shit. i am pretty fucking frustrated. asking how did you get here stephanie did you think you were special and didnt have to jump hoops like this time it was different? hilarious. same old situations and me without the transcripts to find patterns and clues. just a blank sheet to tear apart when i finally said wait a minute fucking shit.
and you thought what?
the words would change?
the touches were anything more than suggestions and impulse?
that the score would bump and you would win?
laughable.
you had the clues all along. go back a few years and read your own words.
seat filler.
terrible thing.
basket case.
now pause. and pick up pieces. crazy glue? are you fucking serious. nice. get to work. no really. get to fucking work and FIX THIS. what are you going to sit around an be sad? for who them? nope. no maam. not tonight. not tomorrow. its time to rebuild and move in that magical direction.

forward.

youre much to old for this. too deserving and too bright to sit around and sink and wish. time to make it. and this time you will. i promise. ill take care of you. i know you best and i can feel the wind on your face and you must know that there is time and opportunity for that warmth to come back. hide now if you need to. get rest if you must.

but in a few hours youre waking up.

and this time its going to be something.

trust me.

5.5.09

and just like that

my words are meaningless.

hello down. i guess i was waiting for you.

current favorite song: cologne cerrone houdini by goldfrapp

sunlight in your eyes. and whatnot. so i found out today that my parents are moving in with me. fantastic. yes the two of them and my dog and all their stuff in my tiny one bedroom duplex and me holding the phone after my mom tells me trying to work through the emotions whirling. crap. crap crap. crap. its like im doomed to not be alone. heh. funny. almost.
come on this will be ok. youre fine. its ok.

no.

i have to go hyperventilate now.

4.5.09

approach with caution? yea the fuck right.

i always swan dive.


arms out, head back. breathe.



so theres light now? hm. i guess i still dont have it figured out. but i do know that something has shifted.
wow i feel good.
ive been getting up, getting out, smiling. flying. i swear i havent touched the ground lately. maybe it has to do with my place, the space ive created and cared for thats just mine. maybe its physical. maybe its just in my head. i think ive cleaned my attic. a little. freeing up some space for new shiny things and blowing dust off rusty forgotten ones. cleaning. digging. finding things out about this once scared terrible girl. i used to be so terrible. raging. fighting. wicked banter and me left with the prize that doesnt taste all the way right. but now. im here.walking and looking you in the eyes. even though you hardly look back at me.
[brave]
theres little doubt.

all the things that have made me. all the shit ive been through and touched and said. im the product of a whirlwind, mixed emotions, and plenty or sharp metal. yet im brilliant against the background, emerging with fists tight and guns abandoned. ready.

but you cant shake people and make them see. its hardly that easy and you only end up damaging them.

[i once thought]

it would be fitting. that i would come out of this cloud and find the others have left. but what a happy surprise, to find them waiting.

[and im smiling down only to myself]
kind of happy, i float on. a change so strange i didnt even notice, just ate it and ran with it. just enjoyed it and thought that i had finally found the spot i was supposed to stop and take as my own.
hm.
and yes there are dark spots. well. maybe not dark, but grey. its hard to find out that youve invested poorly. again. your trying to be reasonable and take a stand but you keep tripping and falling. thats the feeling. as i said earlier. falling.
[there are moments i dont know what to do with myself]
i sit at home and twitch. i get nervous alot. my masochism whines, i havent paid as much attention to it as before. it senses a rift and cries out. but now its easier to ignore. i cant afford new scars, dont need the blood. cant spare anymore t shirts and towels. and while i pace i sing instead of trace the bright marks. neat.
i sit across from someone and im reaching reaching reaching. and i know, i know, i play the words in my head. i dont forget that kind of twinge easily.
dont get attached lady.
[sadly, ive grown familiar]
yet even with that the incredibly new optimist in me smiles at you. she stares and asks questions. she listens and laughs. she touches and dances away and back again. shes silly and taken and wants you to wake up. she tries. shes trying.
maybe one day shell get the real prize. maybe all this really is worth it.
that flutter has to be worth it.
[moving on]
up.
i think im writing a book. yes. i am. with the philippines, california, downtown san antonio and blades. it might just be for me.
come on borders. give a little back.

fuck. im wired. on something sparkly and refreshing.

i cant stop moving.

and i cant wait for tomorrow night. people, a stage, cheap beer, and smoke.

bring it. monday night. give me that pounding sense of yesss.