30.6.08

the sounds, sweating, the stinging, and other s words.

[all pictures have been moved]


hello monday afternoon. aren't you pretty. blazing texas sun and squirrels dancing around beams of light to avoid catching on fire. i'm pretty sure i could bitch about the heat everyday. and im almost positive i will. i hate my dad right now for buying this leather chair knowing his air conditioner is SHIT. thanks dad.

hello monday evening. your no better, wipe that smug look off your face.

ok so it took me like an hour to draw that shitty picture. [ of me and the hot dog] embarrassed.

i also did matt and jon.
[but im proud of those... i think i really got them]

people have such interesting faces. i love the looks and the lines and the eyelashes. they give out such power. i love the way matthew always looks so pissed+ complacent+sad. and jon has the sharp edges on his face of a man with a heavy mind and the eyes that always seem to say, you know your pretty fucking stupid.

theyre just plain fun to draw. even in the dirty wavering hand of mind.

even with this mind wrecking headache.

i sent the dolls another one of toms pictures. i hope they respond. they set up a page of art that they couldnt identify. i didnt see his. its a little disappointing to see the other artists and know that tom is so much better.
he needs the boost. needs to hear how amazing he is when he just draws. but he hasnt drawn anything in months. its really quite sad.

ah well.

its too hot to go on.

im gonna go sweat now.

eew.

exhausted

june is ending.

our nation is at the height of its fucktardism stage.
i'm starting work tomorrow on a painting.
i'm growing out my nails so i can slash peoples throats.
im growing my hair out so no one will call me sir ever again.
i'm burnt out at 23.
i need opinions to feed on.
i need you to
feed my narcissism.
ill repay you with plastic playpen balls and shifty eyes.
i think tonight i'm going to sleep happy.
ill find something interesting to blog about soon.

homework.
i know some of you read with vigor.
could you do me a favor?
use the paint program and draw me something.
even if you SUCK at art. please?
i need the inspiration.
even if its only a pie chart about oil or something. [jon]
email it to me, or paste it in the comments.
it'll mean the world to this artist. she loves it.


ugh.
i have to put the cats out.

29.6.08

better

tom is coming over.
i cant wait to see him for some reason and i just saw him yesterday.

i put the rabbit out on her line today. its cute. shes digging and running and i'm sure that she doesn't even realize shes on a leash, which could be sad if you put it into some kind of context.
i want sushi.
i want christmas.
i want symbols of happiness and a sense of full.

mostly i want scrabble and someones ass to wipe the board with.

maybe a tattoo gun so me and tom can open our business.

today i want to be a tattoo artist.
yesterday i wanted to sew pretty clothes.
tomorrow i think ill paint a mural.

im exhausted. a little drained from being sick and angry and other such uncontrollable things.
i should lie down. and wait.
maybe the realization does come like a ton of bricks. subtle was always a stupid color anyway.

dear anyone, care of the interweb


its about that time. when i look for small silver things, put the music on way too loud, go into iso mode and wonder what the hell is going on. out there and in here.

kanye west is a fucking poet. christ. too bad hes also a douche bag. its ok. hes got me moving in this chair. got me feeling gangsta without a clue. got me smiling.

lately i've been avoiding my roommate. and subtle guy he is he calls me on it. it was awkward needless to say when he poked his head out of the door while i was smoking and asked. so, where have you been? i never see you anymore, you avoiding me? um. no.... ive been sick. and at my dads. um no thanks i don't want a shot, no its ok really, ugh, fine. make it a small one.
[5 shots later i was throwing up and cursing because i really was sick, sweet]

im at my parents house for the next two days. alone. i have no cigarettes, too much coffee and sugar, this computer and the house has a bad roach problem. god help me.

i typed a dream here then accidentally erased it. go me.

whats up with this headache? you've been here for 4 days now. you creep and stab when i move my eyes or when i try to eat. fun.

i wish someone would call me right now. this house is big. and scary and making noises i don't recognize. i miss my apt and the xbox and my dumb ass cats already.


help me im lost in my own physical pain and sabotage.

but what could you do, eh?

hmm.

28.6.08

p.s

it's been 2 years and 20 days.
it still doesn't feel any better.

thoughts


In no particular order.

i love paint. simple, pixel saturated paint.

I saw Wall-e today. It was so good. For all of you who come here for the way I say fuck and the anger you may want to back away from the coming rush of cute. I cried at the beginning, the middle and the end. The kids around me thought I was crazy. And a little gay. Oh well. The movie itself was actually very adult themed. It was downright scary in its first half hour and a little sad for those of us who could see past the pretty animation and the cute little robot. The empty world, the trash, the billboards and the way he would keep little things for himself instead of crushing and stacking them as was his directive. Then there were the people. The way we were portrayed. I don’t care if I spoil it for you or not. You can stop reading. but we were fleshy and boneless and useless and it seemed to fit the direction we are heading in as far as the human race and its need to be hands free, thought free, and engorged on instant gratification. No I’m not looking to far into this movie. You should have seen it. I couldn’t tear my eyes away. Yes it was pretty and the love story made me want to just shit puppies and rainbows, but there was an ominous cloud of this might be coming floating just above the pixar goodness. I dunno. Go see it. It’s a must. You’ll love it.

I’ve been sick for the last 24 hours. Chills and headaches and sick stomach and all kinds of badness. Urg.

some quick notes:
Way to go Obama, writing checks and being stupid. I had faith in you. Jerk.
Way to go Supreme Court. No more death penalty for baby rapers? Good job.
Way to go price of oil. What is it now? 140 a barrel? Fuck. Everybody on the slide.
I’m not going into the rest of those thoughts. It’s too exhausting.
finish them for me.



I really feel to sick.
More blogs later. If I’m not dead.

Pray for your narcissism.

26.6.08

head sick



last night i got drunk and talked my ass off.
i had this really interesting and deep thing going on you know?
i woke up and i might as well have dreamed it. i said some of the coolest shit. i think i may be getting to the point where im gonna become that asshole with the little tape recorder. and every now and again ill hold it up to you and say, what what? punch me in the face all you want. i'm getting there damnit.

useless.

a list.

i am
-hungover
-a little pissed off at America at the moment. ready to pack my bags and don a white flag and say you know its im giving up. abandon ship.
-listening to music that makes me want to break old lady faces and bleed my throat after tearing up my jeans and spiking my hair while going back in time to the 80's.
-trying to make sense of what i said. what did i say? fuck!
-remembering that day in the red room when i met that girl and her hips and her eye makeup and her hands were all over me by the end of the night. the fondest of memories sound so dirty but i swear, she changed my life. she looked me in the eyes and said, wait, but then i was being dragged to a car. hmmm.
-putting music on this blog to annoy you. fuckit.
-missing my brother. so bad. its an everyday thing you know. wish it would just get better.
-finding it difficult to understand what people say sometimes. mostly its just buzzing and static.
-feeling silly for sitting in the living room and talking to the cat.
-thinking about the birds. this morning as i sat on the car and smoked and rambled i looked up and the sun was coming up. and all these birds started flying from behind me and whooshing forward. i believe in omens and symbolism and those birds were telling me something.
-aware that i'm slowly moving towards being old and withered. the time has come for action! action and rebellion and lies and writing and the beautiful joy that is getting on with life.


excited? me?

well yeah.

wouldn't you be if you were living in a semi free nation you hate at the legal age to commit all the thomas j foolery you want?

yeah.

i'm liking to today.

knocked up and pathetic, a phone call, and a dream

ATTENTION: This blog contains adult themes such as abortion, sex among teens, ignorant government, timid/harsh parents, and news media.

You have been warned.
Grab your junk, ignore the bad grammar, and read on, or get the fuck out.


last night i was laying in bed melting and cranky with heat and too many pillows and watching some dime a dozen news show on cnn. they were talking about all sorts of nonsensical happenings and whatnot but when they came the story of the day i sat up and gave them my full pissed off attention.
man on tv: teen pregnancy. pacts? promises? crying in the hallways over a negative reading? whats happening to todays youth?
he went on to say that with the glamorization of teens getting knocked up and parents and schools talking more and more about sex, well we've dug our own hole.
i laughed out loud.
that creepy laughing alone type thing you have to do when you hear something so fucking outrageous.

he went on: its movies like juno, sitcoms, and overly understanding parents. we're making it too easy for our kids to screw up. why does the media do this to us?
kill me. gag me. are you kidding me?
i actually got up out out of bed and scribbled notes on my arm in the dark.
'write about teens fucking, babies, media, and stupid fucking people.'
so here i am.
firstly blaming the media is never your way out. sorry folks its just not their fault that YOU cant take it for what it is and not some fucking users manual for life. juno is a movie, jamie lynn is a dumbass, and you need to buck up and talk to your fucking kids about sex, the herps, and the fact that if they have kids now they can wave bye bye to getting too drunk in college, having a career, avoiding wrinkles and other such required childhood happenings for someone to be normal. tell them what happens to the vagina in process or that theyre hips could break or kill the baby on the way out. i dunno. im not good with words for kids.

in my head the reporter goes on: some parents are encouraging their children to go on with the pregnancy. they promise to help them through it and shelter them. to love them no matter what. are we doing this to ourselves?
YES. we are. what happened to this country? back in the day if you got knocked up you were sent away or you had a date with a coat hanger. there was shame, sweet beautiful shame once. and now our mothers are bleach blonde and 32 with a 16 year old and a 15 year old and theyre all wearing matching "fuck me" shirts. jesus h. we may need a national abortion day soon. with a coupon in the paper. maybe then we could get this mind fucking idiocy under control. maybe its parents that need a class nowadays. a class on not being blind or complacent. our kids need to feel like there is shame and wrongness in sex at a certain age. and only you can do it america. get on it.

in my head the reporter goes on: its our schools! our gov! they have created a sex saturated environment! condom talks at 14?! how could they? sex ed classes are worthless.
my hands cover my head and i consider suicide as the only option to stopping the migraine. sex ed classes are a godsend. for all the ignorant parents and all the poor orphan children who have no warm comforting guardian to help them realize something: we live in a world soaked in sex. if they dont hear about it in school, theyre gonna see it on spike, abc, or some other soft core porn station. if maury has proved anything our kids are fucking, sucking and getting aids. and what are we doing? going on a witch hunt for the only thing thats gonna save them? let me tell you a story. little stephanie starts 5th grade. she gets a permission slip one day and takes it home to her parents. they sign it and tell her to pay attention. she goes to class the next day and is ushered into the nurses office where she and 20 other kids watch a movie on sex, childbirth, love, bras and keeping safe. she leaves the class a little befuddled. her parents answer questions when she gets home. she goes on to become a smart, semi confident young woman and she doesnt get knocked up or contract any stds. the end.



in conclusion: teen pregnancy is an epidemic. i know. i live in san antonio. and only when parents, the schools and the government realize this will there be any chance of saving face. we need the sex ed, we need our parents to have balls and we need to put a picture of a giant smiling condom on the fronts of cereal boxes.

or you could just give me a syringe of local anesthetic and a staple gun and let me take care of this.

think it over, yea?



anyway, as i sit here and try to calm down i should mention the dream i had last night. its too long so, the condensed version:
-i was a prisoner, chained in a hallway waiting for my turn to be tortured. i can hear a child screaming somewhere and im getting nervous. a man walks by and leans over me, laughing. another man comes by later and unchains me and in a low voice tells me to follow him. im in his car. he tells me im not real and that i shouldnt be scared, i have powers that he or the powers at be could only hope to have. im a robot. i start to cry. were driving into this apt complex now, up a steep hill and over steeper speed bumps. we pass little corner stores built in to the complex and there are children and sad looking people everywhere. suddenly a car pulls in front of us and a woman gets out and starts shooting at the car. a man from the crowd jumps in front of her and she shoots him down. black fluid pours from him and i know that same stuff is in me too. i pass out. and wake up.
[i had a shorter dream after that that had ninjas and a swimming pools and frying pans in it. yeah.]


earlier tonight my best friend called me squealing and gagging and asking me "did you really eat that?" as she watched bizarre foods with andrew zimmern. i laughed at her noises and told her yes. andrew zimmern was in the philippines and he was eating market food. little eggs with baby ducks inside and chicken feet on a stick and purple yam ice cream and such. i lived there for three years and back then i was too young to realize that maybe some of the things i was eating were a little more than a little weird. im jealous of my parents. i wish i was in manila with them right now. i have such fond memories of that place. my first day of school, a volcano eruption and the chicken pox. sigh.

ive had enough blogtastic adventures for tonight i think. im exhausted.




p.s send your angry emails to anyone but me. i dont care what you have to say. just saying.

24.6.08

conversation

he said: i knew something was up.
she said: i warned you before.
he said: you're a horrible person.
she said: so?
he said: is there a way for me to get through?
she said: you wish.
he said: what will i do?
she said: i'm not too worried about it.

but she didnt order anything

it came in the mail. on a thursday.
she stood in the doorway just looking at the mailman as he held it out to her.
when she took it he laughed and fled.
the box shifted.
she sat at her table and picked at the vinyl tablecloth.
the fruits on it seemed to say, "well?"
one string, two strings, they wrapped around her fingers as she pullllllled.
the box shifted.
plain brown cardboard and a simple white sticker.
she leaned in, she could almost make it out....



hmmm. i wonder what it said.
today im going to clean my apt and the chinchilla cage and wonder why i dont have any pop over friends.
something about this head ache and the stuffy heat in here. why doesnt it just rain.
i had a dream last night. i was planning my friends wedding and it was happening at a huge amusement park in the mountains. he told me what he wanted and who he wanted to be there and i took care of everything. at the same time i was the only security for the park itself. i was chasing bad guys and puching them over cliffs and running down huge stone bridges. afterwards i would go back to wedding planning. later in a huge room i was trying to find the maid of honor while teaching everyone to dance. i woke up exhausted and wondering where i would get white doves at this hour.
[for fun i got this dream analyzed on line. apparently someone has taken advantage of me and im trying to fix it while trying to find love and somehow restore the joy and such in my life. huh.]
ive been reading my textbooks like crazy. i feel like i dont even need to take the classes im signed up for in the fall. ugh. why cant i just wait for things?
seriously. i need to win the lottery.
i finally talked to my parents. they havent gotten swept away by an angry philippino sea after all.
i miss california. i wish i could visit.
after considerable thought, yes, i am hungry.
i think ill have a smoke.
maybe enjoy the rest of the day.
well see.

sometimes

a girl just needs to be left alone.

fannypacks


are for douche bags.














they scream rob me in fluorescent pink and yellows.

and they don't hid your gut as well as you might like.

fannypacks.

geez.

invisible monsters, old people, and being a shlump

i've been alive 8307 days.
i've been able to talk and read for
7577 days.
i've been in and out of school for
6537 of those days.
and where am i?
what do i have to show except unfinished paintings, a mutilated right arm and blogs.
[the word pride runs screaming from the room here]
and im left laughing at all the wonderful nonsense that is being alive and this age in the year 2008.
didn't people see the new millennium as us in flying cars with robots and shit.

goodness.

i've been planning a piece of performance art for months now and recently have come into some funds for it. im hoping to talk to a few people buy some last minute items and gather up the courage to squeeze into a dress in time for the fall. to my conservative and fascist friends. forgive me. but its gonna be something else. ill post a date soon.

i was watching something today and saw a group of old people eating and i couldnt help but feel a little sad and scared. they were shaking and smiling and reaching and just being old. i shook. i cringed and i wondered what it feels like to have crepe for skin and space heaters for a mouth. they break my heart, old folks, they really do. they look so lost sometimes, like they dont know what they might be doing here, and whats the camera for son?
[i really really dont want to be old]


im re-reading invisible monsters. i could live in that book.
[but it makes me want to take alot of pills and throw gauze and mesh over my head]

i dont think there has been a day this year that i havent talked to a complete asshole.
[fucking bullshit.]

tim and eric is not a good show and youre a ballsack for liking it.

we were coming home the other day and there was bird in the street. i put it in a box and took it to the vet. i was a little disgusted that i felt better about what i had done than having any real concern for the bird and what happened to it.

last night ambien failed me and i ended up sitting in bed awake till 7. tom on the other hand, who took the other half was mumbling about trees and burgers and asking why all these people were in the apt. sheesh.

i need a 40 and someone to punch.

insert me throwing my arms in the air in frustration.

fuck.









22.6.08

i need

-to calm down
-to move. soon. gotta get the hell out of this city. SOON.
-to stop pacing.
-to stop chaining.
-someone to have my back in this.
-a breath, a pause, a moment of so this is what it feels like to figure out the everything.
-to stay away from the computer.
-paint. NOW.
-brushes. YESTERDAY.
-canvas. [please]
-cheaper outlets.
-you to stop staring at me and start scooping water out of this sinking ship.
-to stop reading about other people and feeling jealous. they're just other people.
-to realize that the face in the mirror is me and not a stranger.
-cigarettes. i just ran out. FUCK.

when i shake my head

tiny splintery pieces of glass inside of it make noises like the ocean.

ouch. [go away]



i just woke up.
i had a dream.
points to remember:

-dawnelle and her hair and her body and her clothes. us pulling fabric from the walls and her voice snippety and tight. she said i could have anything i wanted and i took too much.
-the assignments buried in glass tubes in the cool soft sand near the abandoned amusement area. i looked through the half fallen wall and saw the burned out shells of helicopters and and poles like fingers coming from the ground.
-answering the phone and hearing his voice, smooth and low and sweet telling me to put her on the phone put her on right fucking now.

strange.

on more serious a note:
my parents are in manila right now and the tail end of a typhoon just lashed over them. alot of people have already drowned. my dad sent me a txt saying everything was fine and of all things asking me if the cats were ok, but i cant help but worry. im an old lady that way. uuurg. why did they have to go to the Philippines.
i hope theyre ok.

hungover

jesus christ on the dance floor. its so fucking early.

me = not a morning person.

fuckit. lets roll.

yesterday was a day full of anger, blasphemy, falling off chairs, baking, and liquor.

first of all, my dream:
i was a kid again. like 12. it was my first day of, what, 8th grade? i'm getting off the bus and falling into a sea, and absolute sea, of other kids. all of them in the white polos and khaki skorts and pants of the ol SAISD. were getting herded into a giant building. and it isnt until i'm inside that i realize just how big it is. its only walls and a ceiling. a huge red barn like thing. and i somehow end up in the middle of the concrete floor, barely able to breathe for all the fucking people in there with me. i look up. the walls look metallic and the ceiling is so high. i feel very small and scared. and suddenly i don't notice the chattering students anymore. all i can see is the ceiling and the walls and all i can sense in the vastness of it all. it wasn't until a boy grabbed my hand and told me to look, look, the windows are opening that i came back. and even then when i turned to see the blue square through the shifting metal plate i woke up.

[i had another dream very quickly after this but its to weird to write. notes: it was me, a baby, bobby flay, martin scorsese and we were making a movie. too bad i kept dropping the baby and making out with bobby flay. anyway...]

so after waking up completely questioning my existence and the plan and meaning of it all you can probably imagine i wasnt in the best of moods. mix that with the bumbling softly retarded antics of the two boys i live with and you have a stephanie that thinks in crosshairs, sharp edges and the color crimson.

after stomping around and being broody for a few hours i hung some paintings, yelled at my cats, used gods name in vain way too many times and almost died trying to kill dust bunnies. [long story short, i have no sense of balance.]

i snapped at everyone.
i was offensive and combative and mean.
i wondered what was going to happen to me when i turn 83.
and i watched enough VH1 to kill even the most emo kid.


but then i baked two cakes, a whole chicken and some potatoes.
and i felt so goddamned good i could have kissed that creepy man lady whos having a baby.

i stood in my kitchen with a spatula in one hand and a chicken leg in the other and for a tiny instant i thought: hm. maybe i should drop the tough girl narcissistic some kind of artist i have a cause act and just smile and bake and have sex all day. . . .

an instant later i was yelling again. and i had eaten half the chicken.

luckily it was tom's and my big brothers birthday so i grabbed his cake, went over, walked through the door and into a state of drunk no one should ever be in. the little pink circles of the jello shots. the clarity of the milagro [ lime salt shot no please no more]. sheesh. but it was heaven. my brother was laughing and tom was dizzy and there i stood just the same. surrounded by older folks with smart cars and careers and a wii switching from street fighter to mariocart and back again. flashing lights heavy with questions. a girl from phoenix and a guy telling me we should write a book together. lovely.



yesterday was something else.

today i think ill take my sad tired eyes to bed a while. since i havent slept yet. and maybe drink a couple gallons of water.

if you made it this far. if you actually read all of this. your something else. and i would hug you if i could.


goodnight/day

21.6.08

friday nights

don't hold the same meaning they used to.
back when i was too young and stupid to care about anything but where and how we would get the beer, how our friends could get here, and what music we wanted to play as we danced, touched, laughed and shook heads in dizzy unison.
sometimes i really miss the days of broken guitars, breaking up fights and matching outfits to my best friend before really getting into the gritty nightlife that was my formidable years.
go back in time and see stephanie ages 18-20 and you'll know.
but you can only be that careless for so long.
eventually you wake up tired and don't know why. you wonder why the nights get so hard and why you really cant stand the old friends anymore.
[they just buzz and stammer with old jokes long forgotten and thoughts long ignorant]
you feel worn out and silly when you ask for colored drinks at a bar.
you start to think that the person your talking to isn't really listening.
things start coming into new light. [what happened?]
yes yes, i'm only 22 but fuck if i didn't burn out in the years following high school.
am i an old lady?
ive been called a prude. to my face. and its shocking.
ouch.
but im more for a dark beer and a patio than pulsing nothing.
ugh. i need something to occupy my mind. i should buy a puzzle.


shake it off.

lets roll on then.


saw a friend tonight that up until two weeks ago i thought was lost forever.
going to a bookstore and then jims seemed alien.
whats this?
you dont want to go drink or see a movie? you want to talk? did you read my last blog? how did you know. hah. theres funny energy in the air tonight. must just be me.

kids my age right now are getting married, getting pregnant and getting degrees. i think i may have fallen off the train and landed in lamesville. wonderful. but i see a lake ahead and maybe theres some shade and yea i think i could stay here a while. no used rushing the adult situations and the credit cards and the early mornings.
[such motivation]

the men i know are really pissing me off.

ryan bought me a book of dali prints. i now need 45 frames and pronto. i can already see the empty wall in my apartment waiting for them. i could fall asleep every night looking at the wall and aiming my dreams in the right direction.

why do i feel like such a tool for listening to coldplay? hmm.

ah well. its friday. people everywhere are sleepy eyed or in love or drunk or reaching with mental lust or bored at home.

i need to go be one of those people.

20.6.08

stuck


the Sounds are on loud and my fingers need something to do. since im currently out of paint and my brushes have been destroyed by dumbass kittens ill settle here and get comfortable. today has a nice feeling to it. today i hung clothes out on a line, i was held hostage in the shower by a huge fucking roach, i created something for someone online, i heard the voice of an old friend, and i read read read my ass off. my eyes hurt actually.

and now im just sitting here.
wondering what else there is to do but wait for tomorrow and hope it rains money.

that would be awesome.

i wish i could talk to someone right now. get in the car and go to a place with coffee and have them waiting for me at the booth, eager and ready to respond with yes' and heres what i thinks and such. i would look at them from across the table and point out the fact that they twitch a little when they smile or they stutter on a certain word. and there would be a moment of lull which we would fill with stirring hands or the flicker of lighters.
and at the end of the conversation we would leave and the night would be different, we would still see the ghost images of each other in the centers of our vision like bright lights gone.
and im pretty sure our thought processes would have shifted. even slightly.

i wish for strange things.

ill probably just end up going home and playing the xbox, eating twin cherries and sketching dumb little things on scraps of paper i find while fending off kittens needy for cuddles.

i guess thats not too bad actually....

but lately ive been aching for the human connection. that im listening to you and yes i can understand and maybe ill touch your arm while i talk and maintain eye contact kind of connection. its been so long since ive sat with someone. next to someone and known nothing about them. i miss asking questions and not knowing the answers. i miss offending people. i miss them creeping me out and me letting them know it.

but you cant just walk up to anybody and say i like your shoes wanna grab something to eat and by the way im stephanie anymore.

too bad too.

[note: dont misconstrue these statements as me the little girl with stars in my eyes yearning for love. its nothing like that. im talking conversation, intellect and strong opinions.]

as i get older im sure ill have more chances but being a 22 year old stuck in the bar/clubs/star bucks stage of life im doubtful.

besides i hate screaming over music and love getting wasted at bars and im too busy dancing at clubs to care what you have to say and im only ever at starbucks on wed at 4 in the morning.

womp.

who knows maybe tomorrow is the day.

heres to hoping.
heres to you walking up to me and asking the time.
heres to birds scattering in the city.
and me short of breath and an overall felling of impressed.

19.6.08

failed activism, dream, and saying hello to the angels

i was at the ol' SACford the other day, walking on the molten surface that is downtown San Antonio. as i headed across the street i nearly got hit by a car after reading the front of a building that was covered in streamers, paper flowers, golden cutouts and chain. the sign screamed:

Fiesta is Cultural Murder!
Who Do They Think They ARE?!

i walked on. befuddled and a little amused. i came to the follwing conclusion. college kids are idiots.
they grasp and claw and cry out for change, acceptance and a different life. in all they just seem to make mine more annoying. fiesta is fiesta, it means something to our city and just cause you cant get a date to the carnival doesnt mean you have the right to be bitter for no good reason. geez.
so college kids please please please. think.
not everything needs saving.
not everything is a scandal.


that is all.



its too hot for words today people. and this nocturnal animal is up way too goddamn early. i guess i have to make up for sleeping the whole day away yesterday. must be those new pillows. oh i love them.

dream from yesterday:
[im in a waiting room]
there are so many people in here. it smells funny and its hard to move. a man in the far corner of the room waves at something. he has this blank ugly look on his face. his other hand shakes down by his side. tears start to roll down his cheeks. i wave back, maybe its what he needs?
i look away.
the woman next to me starts to make little squeaking noises. i think shes breast feeding. but i dont see a baby. um. she has her face turned away from me but i notice lines that tell me shes smiling. at least someone in this place is happy.
under my feet something skitters and then pops as i apply deadly pressure. my heart. oh its beating faster now. what am i waiting for? the little paper in my hand only tells me that im 45 away from being called.
i start to wish i was i had super human powers.
i need to get out of here. i dont think i need what im waiting for. i stand up and swim through the people blocking my way to the door. every person i pass touches me, pulls at me or says something i dont hear.
i step outside. the air that slaps me in the face is cold and sharp, like it was just released, just made, brand new.
im in the inner part of the city. the buildings are too high, and they have nothing in them. i can see through the windows and i see that theyre only shells. its a ghost town on a movie set and im fucking stuck in the act.
i look down.
at my feet a small baby something is twitching by my shoes, reaching for me with things that arent quite hands. its lying in a pool or sweat and pink goo.
yea, im gonna throw up.
im running now, throwing open windows, kicking down doors, and finally i lay down on a sidewalk.
the sky shifts and the blue goes to green goes to purple goes to black.
i wake up.
it was 10pm.
i woke up sore and hungry and dehydrated. but i had no intention of staying up.
i went back to sleep after eating and watching good eats.

hrm.





so.
today.
i am.

-headachey.
-pleased with myself. for no reason.
-wondering if i could give a stranger a chance.
-looking for new outlets.
-eating rice krispies.
-alone. [perfect]
-standing as i type this.
-wondering why i dont talk to more people.
-anxious. there just feels like theres so much to do, and im stuck here without am idea of where to start.













its been a weird week.

harumph.


18.6.08

save the whales, nuke the children

i read this blog today, some woman trying to save the planet or create awareness or some dumb shit. and she had posted a few excerpts from some recent messages she had received. they troubled me. and made me laugh at the same time:

[posted by some crazy green person who was sterilized at 28]
"Having children is selfish. It's all about maintaining your genetic line at the expense of the planet. Every person who is born uses more food, more water, more land, more fossil fuels, more trees and produces more rubbish, more pollution, more greenhouse gases, and adds to the problem of over-population."

and another, this time by a couple
"[We] live as green a life a possible. We don't have a car, cycle everywhere instead, and we never fly. We recycle, use low-energy light bulbs and eat only organic, locally produced food. In short, we do everything we can to reduce our carbon footprint. But all this would be undone if we had a child. That's why [the husband] had a vasectomy. It would be morally wrong for us to add to climate change and the destruction of Earth."


WHAT THE FUCK??

i especially love the last line of the couples statement.
you know, about how having children is morally wrong and oh yea would add to the fucking DESTRUCTION OF EARTH.
wonderful. [and totally something i would say funny enough]
and you know i've always liked people who go green, most of them anyway. i had just yet to find the crazies in the bunch, till today.
how fucking dedicated must you be to take something like children and compare them to pollution? [or strange for that matter]
me, i don't altogether like children or wish to have any but it has nothing to do with me calculating what they're going to waste or if they might hit a squirrel while they're driving to the store when they're 25 or any wacky ass shit like that.
this is plain ridiculous.
oh and i love love love how the couple is looking for a fucking blowjob with listing their good deeds towards the earth shit. what the hell. yea thanks, but honestly your still just two tiny people probably living in a town of 2,000,000 others who could give a fuck what they did with their lightbulbs. sorry. the blue and green bins are just security blankets and everyone has grown up, maybe you should too.
meanwhile on this womans blog she asks for opinions. some are very interesting. just go read it. it will be in my movers and shakers for a few days.
the blog is called no child left behind and was posted on 6/17

as far as the population goes, bad news. were just plain fucked. people are going to have kids. lots of them. why?
simple.
welfare- the lower class has a gov crutch. and they loooove to exploit it. even if it means squirting out 9 kids. that gleaming check coming at the first of the month is enough for them to tune out the crying.
child support and such- woman have needs, and if it means poking a hole in a condom for a child they dont even want, so be it. basketball players, movie stars and musicians are the prey and heartless money hungry bitches are hidden in the tall grasses of todays society. wonderful.
love- some people just want squishy tiny humans of their own.
accidents- it happens.

one day we'll wake up in a kurt vonnegut inspired world. eyes on the rising numbers and fear in our hearts.
well wait till its too late.
well ask why we didnt do anything sooner.
well cry and scream for someone to fix it.
and in the meanwhile our children will become unwanted pets.

poor us.

but its not like we havent seen the downward spiral for years coming.







on unrelated notes.

ive been very happy lately.
ive been thinking alot about connection. ask me about it.
ive been loving what ive been reading lately.
and ive been dancing to arcade fire. neon bible to be exact.

i think i could just make it this week.

lovely.

17.6.08

6 am

Notes:

fuck bananas.
congratulations lady/man, your having a baby. doesnt mean it isnt CREEPY.
the sun is coming up. ew.
i heard the word BLOG 13 times today. and yes i counted.
thank you wisdom teeth for coming at the worst possible moment. the hole in my gum is a nice touch.
diet coke sucks after the first 3 sips.
my parents house smells friendly.

i should go.

what a disappointing morning.

16.6.08

quickly

i dreamt about kissing a man.
its all i did.

i woke up really wanting to fuck something.

15.6.08

fail

[i blog alot]
[fair warning]




i havent done ANYTHING today.
ive been here. getting a computer tan and drinking wine out of a pretty glass my mother was hiding behind the cheap china.
[lucky for me im a professional snoop]
[on that note ive also found 20$, a picture of me on a huge turtle, and a bunch of weird little metal things that are strewn about the house.]

ive also been doing some lurking here on the internet with my hopes way too high to be reasonable. and true to the unlucky online streak ive been having i found nothing. i must have looked through hundreds of blogs, trying to find someone to read. it sounds funny, but it is what it is. im tired of talking. lets get down to the gritty stinking mess that typing and blogging.
but wait.
i crashed and burned....who are these people and how can i kill them?
[womp]
i dont want to hear about your hair tragedy, or your special night club, or your penis problems.
ugh.

whatev.

im kind of drunk now.
and theres a zombie movie on.
im gonna lie on the couch and wonder what the fuck happened to the world.
ill be bored.
i might fall asleep.
but the whole house is mine right now and it feels good and a little creepy.

[sure im a little depressed that i can only be impressed with a grand total of 3 blogs online. that sure is fucking LAME.]

but hey fuck it
ive got half a bottle of red left
a pair of tired eyes that need gore and the undead
unsteady hands
and a wild imagination to scare me in the dark later.

im preeettty sure im set for the night.

goodnight internet.

you are fucking stupid right now.

approval rejected

yes


-you ARE that annoying.
-you may never find someone who wants to have sex with you.
-you may not see the age of next year.
-if you whine like that all the time, i will call you pathetic.
-i hate it when you call me pet names, so dont.
-your children may be born with something wrong with them.
-99 degrees feels like 2,000.








i wish i was somewhere else.
with someone else.
and trying something new.




[anywhere but here. anyone but you]

retards everywhere. and me without a machete.

Everyday with the questions.
They ask me.
What’s the matter.
How do you feel.
Where’s the salad dressing.

Just a thought: Questions annoy the fuck out of me.

My new favorite day/night time activity is sitting out on the balcony watching fat children and smoking like a chimney. Not all creep like mind you, but something about kids helps me smile. They don’t know just how stupid they are. They fall and scream and bother the shit out of their parents. And you know I don’t think I want any but they seem like strange exotic pets. Like little fleshy balls that roll around and bounce and occasionally sleep. Weird. And fascinating.
I feel very greedy. I’ve been slowly working my way through the deadly sins and have finally settled on this one after finding it fits my sometimes shitty personality a little too comfortably.
I’m thinking that maybe a mosaic is the cards soon. Maybe a little table or even a wall piece and I even thought of using my favorite book and creating a book cover you could never take off. Here I see clay pieces and that glue I hate so much but I’m sure it would be something to watch as particles become images. Like pixels and such to a comp just much more natural.
Another thought: Heat makes me want to slit throats.
People throw me off. They are all so unnerving and scary. Every time I find myself in a lobby or a waiting area I can’t help but wonder why that man is grabbing at that particular place or why that woman won’t just walk over and GET her kid instead of calling his name a billion fucking times while balancing a 6 month old in one arm and a Nintendo DS in the other. I always think I can be a better person than the person I am watching. [Really. It doesn’t matter who you are. YOU HAVE FLAWS. I will find them] In my head I fix their short comings or stand in front of them and yell what the fuck over and over again right into their stupid blank faces. And then sometimes I simply laugh, out loud and very much in real life and the people around me turn my thoughts into theirs and their sights settle on me. But I can’t help it. How do people NOT see that sometimes they can be complete retards? This may be why I’m so angry all the time. Its simple frustration at the ignorance. If you’re fat don’t wear tight clothes. If you’re stupid don’t have children. If you’re bald don’t comb the few sad hairs you have left over the gleaming done of your bad genes. Little steps. Little steps people. Its all you need to do to keep me from breaking into your house and smashing your ceramic clown collection. Just do this for me yea?
I suddenly want cotton candy. A great huge cloud of it. Sticky wonderfulness. [must have been the clown thing]
Today is father’s day. Great. Millions of children get to have just another Sunday.
Oooooh I’m being dark and broody. Hah!
Promo sits right in front of me and meows into my face. I don’t speak annoying cat. She’s out of luck.
I stayed up way to late last night I feel like real shit. [just now I typed ‘feal’ 3 times instead of ‘feel’]
Ugh/fuck/ouch/why is it so goddamned hot in here.
My skin feels like it needs to be peeled off. I think I look in the mirror at least 6 hours a day. Sometimes I talk to myself. What is that spot. Do you feel like shit, cause you look it. Why on fucking earth did you cut your hair? And sometimes I re-enact movie scenes or TV shows. Ok that may have been a little too intimate.
im exhausted now. Sitting here in a blaze of laziness and lukewarm coffee. Somehow this seems right and these keys, well, they feel damn good under my fingertips. Maybe ill find my footing again and show you the colors of what I used to be able to do with this lost time. Maybe my cult following is waiting for me to come back. I can only hope they haven’t drank the kool aid yet or eaten the bullet. We’ll see.
Enough.
Ill back out quietly now.

3.6.08

scorcher

this is probably the 5th time ive written something online today. why would i do such a thing? ive thought about it and i think this time the damage from the every day may be permanent. im backstepping into the cracks again. feeling out places to hide with wary hands and and acid filled stomach with a vendetta against me. my retreat away from people, nearly complete. it burns. but the sting and the bitter taste only mean that if i give it a second to work, ill be too out of it to care.

i love going back over everything my friends write in the interwebs. nice to see how much they have changed as far as the last year or so. i know some wonderful writers.

i want to be home right now. its been a showerless, semi air conditioned, woozy day.

i miss my kittens anyway, and the way chu greets me with crashing feet when i walk in the room.

school is happening soon. im excited. wish class was tomorrow. maybe this time ill actually get through the semester and halfway enjoy it . i still think of my counselor here, giving me the stink eye and asking me just what i thought i was playing at, waiting this long to take charge. people cannot be subtle or soft no matter how hard they try. i sat and looked around his office at his fine arts degrees and his mexican themed color scheme. looking back at him i told him, i just want to register, not talk. and i can do that here right? i may have left with him doubts but at least i left enrolled.

ouch ouch ouch. my fucking head.

i havent blogged in this spot for almost a whole year.

hopefully i can change that.