27.4.11

right

surprising conversations with people i covet are enough for me to twist in thought. following the lines of their bodies, not meeting their eyes, yet moved by how they react and adapt. the words coming from them, i wonder how they keep their tone steady, unwavering. i am jealous. across the room, across the table. i sit twisting my hair and nodding. trying to talk, but pausing and breaking too much. these people think i have it all figured out. but really i am just in a constant state of want.
[i shake my head to clear it as i walk away]
[it doesn't work]
sometimes painting turns against me. i sit in the hot living room, with the windows open, air pouring in and not helping, radio loud. mostly not even painting, head in my hands, singing to myself. sounds crazy. but it feels so good. i feel alone in the city, the house is still. i walk through the rooms, smelling the other people who live here, my closest friends, comfort. there is water and color everywhere and i just let it dry on my skin. peeling it off gives pleasure.
after the initial enjoyment i wish people were with me. the loneliness comes back. and i get a stomachache.
every which way i can't just have a straight line type of moment.
one second is this, next second i want to go to india. sheesh.
i need to stop with the indulging.
the need.
that strong ugly warm desperate inviting need.
like cancer.

sigh.

what do you do...

21.4.11

tracking time

dreams. in and out:
in a huge hotel of some kind, there is something like a convention, fiesta, maybe a party going on. there are people milling everywhere, talking and gathering in groups. i'm on an escalator going to a room in the hotel. when i get there i see that its not really a hotel room, but a small blue apartment, where i know d[] and a[] live. i wander through it wondering where they are. as i go to the kitchen i sit on a bar stool and notice that i can see through the floor, which is glass. there is pretty clear blue green water under there, with small orange glass fish flittering back and forth. these fish are a familiar motif in many of my dreams where a shock, trauma or death happens. i don't make the connection at the time. the kitchen is lonely and partially dark in the area back near the stove and fridge. i think of ice cream and candy, then leave. when i exit the apartment i come into a large courtyard/mall. its fall colored, browns and oranges. escalators take people up to huge balconies and leaves sway from the ivy trailing from them. i go through a small door to my left and come into a large square room with a very tall ceiling. its an auditorium, with wooden seating like i had in elementary school and a wooden stage. it smells like cherry jolly ranchers, like the wax they used to use. there is a small group of people here. a bald man is talking, telling us we should buckle down and spend the night, that we can see spirits and share the experience. i see dark shadows floating above us near the rafters. i get chills. the bald man brings in another group of people but our group is enraged, yelling "who are they!" "you lied" and other things i don't catch. the new guys come and sit with us in the chairs, one of them is my cousin and he asks me what we're doing here. i'm painting my nails all of a sudden and as i put the pretty green on i nonchalantly say "nothing. we're going to die here." no sooner the words come out of my mouth that i believe them fully, and i turn to see the man locking the gate where the door is. i run to it and push my way out, screaming. in the hallway i catch my breath, and behind me i feel heat and smell burning hair. i don't turn around to see. people i know are walking by but i'm frozen.
he moves in his sleep, and i wake up.