30.8.08

compulsion

lately i'm the walking dead.
exhausted.
[constantly moving]

my nails are chipping and peeling. they must not like my fingers. hm.

a movie has invaded my head like a disease. creating some obsession i'm sure i've seen before. a touch scary. not all together unpleasant.

going back to school is like learning to swim all over again after a paralyzing event has made you forget you had legs. the kids in my class are dyed and inked and tough and bold. and im the meek girl with clothes that still have thrift tags that always chooses the corner seat. shuffling.
tuition- 500
art supplies- 150
gas-3,000
that feeling of so this was that awkward dance i hated on the first day of school - priceless


bah.
i think...
i'm waking up now.
i feel slightly brighter.
maybe this chance wont be for nothing. i'm sure i'll have the strength to leave and press restart.
this has to be the turning point they all talk about. the moment.

his voice, his eyes, an act in a story recorded and sold. and me buying copies with money i dont have, watching again and again as he tells her to live, tells her what she knew she should have done all along.
such simple messages, wrapped in velvet and hidden.
[you're looking back..... downfall]


hmm.

what should i do now?

im horrible with decisions.


god i've missed blogging.

11.8.08

unfamiliar

it's been too long blogger.
what have you been up to without me?


i've become caught up.
whirlwind conditions and me with stuff to actually do and say.
[what?]
yes, me. productive.
a strange and rare thing.

dreams lately have been strange. yes the old faces. yes the walking and the colored glass, the fighting and the mossy tunnels. my father taunting an alligator with his leg and me wandering into mexico in the shape of an old library and carrying an old woman to safety. in one i stay in a tiny dorm with walls plastered with punk posters. in another im helping a friend get married and secretly spitting in her wedding cake.
metaphors?
i hope not.

otherwise

ive been here. just here. forced to smile at work and seeing my parents faces for the first time in months. im so happy they're back. the morning they got home my dad woke me up, i was still half in a dream and i think i told him to duck. the next thing i knew he was laughing and i was hugging him. he asked me how the cats got so fat and where were the keys to his truck? at work i meet little quirky girls with red hair and cynical stylings. they joke and push and play and make lattes. i think i finally found a job i might like to keep. i pin my hair and line my eyes, i brush up on my reading and i buy school supplies. new money. hard to ignore.
lovely.
but i still feel the creeping stagnant air of what was. im isolated from the familiar. i havent seen or talked to dawnelle in weeks. i saw jon the other day and i wanted to claw at him and ask him why i dont even know how hes doing anymore? im stuck with a strange roommate and tom, who just seems to lose more of his art everyday. im starving. hungry with the ache of the known. i want and want and want. sate me. somebody. im too needy and simple for my own good.
in this city, its easy to become something fluid and noncommittal.
what happened to the soft warmth and cool breezes.
lost maybe.
ive memorized the route from here to the quarry but the old roads and passages seem new and ugly.
stones for grass and crass for class.
the old way.
school starts soon and i hope im ready. maybe this time i wont fuck up and abandon. maybe this time ill have more than two words for everyone and maybe just maybe ill answer calls and take the time.
im just tired. this year has to be for something.
if anything maybe ill actually come out in the black and leave the red, sanguine or debt wise, behind.

who knows.

im usually all talk no walk.
stephanie. supreme queen of the disappoint move.
master of the slip and fall.
martyr for the lazy and unmotivated.

well see.

but i might be gone for a while.

working, schooling, and other wise trying not to kill all things fuzzy and drooling.

i didnt mean for that to rhyme. im not cute in purposeful ways.

see you soon blogger.

you were always more of a best friend than most.