me again

the lost angry simple stand alone girl you always loved to watch crash.

im too tired for this.

but it doesnt seem to click.

doesnt come to the surface.

im gonna give you everything. since after all its nothing.

right?

ps

i am now selling my work. pictures soon. cash accepted. but if you write me something moving ill give it to you for free.

promise.

im not a hack, and ill make you think and stare. with paint. ooooooh. hah.

coma time.

i lied

still smoking.


not caring though. so i guess it works out.

#bodyfail

my whole body hurts. its been the mood lately. the down. it hasnt been so bad.
i just quit smoking, again.
maybe ill go for a run tomorrow.
its been a while. im getting too soft again.


last night the dream was in and out. i couldnt stay asleep for longer than a few minutes. and even then i was restless. i only remember
jogging
a bus
streets and a man following me
the bar i found when i got lost
a girl pouring orange juice on her self
and finally being found
huh i could swear there was something more. i have the residual dream homesickness i always have when something was really good. but i dont have any images to back this up. maybe it was nothing.

im not looking forward to work today. something about the last few days has made me pull in to myself. how do you explain that to people you really just barely know? answer: you dont. although tonight is one of my favorite nights now. a now familiar and comforting gorup, even that one grumpy one. well see. maybe after i just wont come home. i did promise a visit to someone. jose is very understanding of my runaways. i should remember this. not take it too far. jumping ahead now.

sore and still half asleep i must get ready for work.

urg.

oooh check me out

[what could i want]
to say maybe to just say
i live in florence
ive kissed an accent
im willing to tackle puzzles
ive been to rome
ive touched a saint
ive eaten food that costs more than a hundred dollars
ive painted in blood
i can walk to a church, i have walked to a church
i can break this with one hand
im never late
im always waiting
[the last one is true already]

time doesnt tick by me, it crashes
nothing makes me blink, only shudder
there isnt room left, except for the ashes
there wont be me, but there will be another

all the things there are to have faith in to say i want to do to dream about and fall all over how can they be achieved when to me they arent real goals but simple poetry and pretty words? can i bring them to the physical? dominate my never land and say this is real, this ticket is paid in cash, my plane is leaving this gate, why am i standing still... move girl move.

something will trigger. i pray im a sleeper cell.

sleep time. whether i choose to fight or not.