30.8.10

miss

ive made a few wrong decisions down the line, alot of them staring me in the face, ghosts back to remind me forever. but ive learned to ignore them mostly. maybe im not interested in lessons.
but this time around im a little shell shocked. i chose wrong, way wrong. i let the voices of others kill something and mix anger and i stormed out on the thing i want now more than ever. people dont usually get to me like this, its been years since the last time. im concerned. maybe ill get over it, but as with all human relationships pertaining to me i dont give it time to heal, i dont want to know what it would be like if i got over it i just want it back, and its burning in my head. wait wait wait i DID give it time, i gave it space, i ran away for months, moved, got involved elsewhere, and fuck - got pregnant - so i mean, that is time, that is distance, and while it is also blatant masochism without the shiny razors its evidence. i tried. true, when he came back and smiled at me i decided right there i had given up on fighting but i was sure, ready for, convinced that i had a life of single mom, no time for dating, time to focus joy ahead of me. he tells me the belly breaks his heart, that he loves me. but i hear whats underneath. he doesnt want me anymore and im sure i can be ok with that. i just miss my old life. everyday. i love my baby, and im sure when i see it nothing will matter but him/her. and all this maybe doesnt have anything to do with a person, maybe alot this is just the endless amount of lonely i have inside of me. burning. the disappointing result of my last relationship, the let down. the anger. i just need something. i swear at one time there were men on this planet. not the playthings and boys i see today. there has to be hope for the women out there.
even the broken ones like me. doing this alone is breaking my heart. as not to say i dont have friends, wonderful friends, who take care of me night and day. but its a different feeling when someone kisses you, runs his hands through your hair and down your face and says im here, go to sleep.
eeeeh enough of this.

17.8.10

i find comfort

in the arms of people.

i swear i get rushes, blood to the head, woozy stints of yes this is perfect when i feel needed, wanted and desired.
the lows disappear.
its like im high.
and right now its the necessary.

13.8.10

uncomfortable silences

generally awkward, i tend to stay away from situations that make me uncomfortable. this leads to lack of closure in fighting instances, people think i dont care, and sometimes i forget who my family is. i just dont like it when my heart beats that hard, when i cant breathe, when i get the twitches in my chest.
and these people come in and out.
reminding me im a coward.

12.8.10

11.8.10

self pressure

i see myself differently today. lately ive been feeling frantic and burdening. today i wake from dreams full of houses, guns, my grandmother, and hamburgers and i am absolutely IN LOVE with my mind. wired. on fire. the days that i can remember the details...
those are the few times i can appreciate the way i tick.
i go through old pictures, see all the art that i made, created with my own hands on the walls of my old houses. ive since given them away, i never ask for payment, i only ask they hang, proud and strong in someone elses space. parts of me. still, i miss them like children. their texture, their feeling, the colors.
i know that there is a person worth saving in here.
its just.
i bend to people. they look at me and i get anxious and guilty. sometimes for no reason.
i wish i could live in dreams. live in paint. go away and stay in a room that only i know about. (heh thought of harry potter)

maybe today is the day, where one of my mini empowerment phases where i am strong and sure begins. i hope so. im tired of being sad. i love it so, yes, but its exhausting.

well see.

10.8.10

baby carrots and the familiar feeling

it feels like the same thing all the time right? like i live in circles, like i could never learn. ive tried to come to terms. all the times i maybe could have changed course and of course chose the blackout bruising hard way. the only thing that really changes is the people. they blink in and out. sometimes they wander into my path, unaware. they get drawn in, blinded, fucked maybe, drunk usually, angry most times. sometimes they stay, whether or not its for the best, their best, is usually not important. these are the ones i want the most. need maybe. they are complex unnatural friends, who i hurt repeatedly, love deeply, and get the most invested in. it grays sometimes, this category and the lovers category. some of these are the same thing though. its all very complicated and intricate. everyone has a place. i think. sometimes im so sure that its all been planned. like somehow im two people and one side is the planner and only that, she gets up while the majority of me is sleeping and adjusts things slightly in my life, putting people into crannies in my head, setting up the situation for pass or fail or fights or sex or dinner or.. you get it.
i really have no idea.
losing people is something ive come to know. whether its death or the huge blowout at the end of the passionate whirlwind of a friendship/relationship. but i dont like losing the foundations. im not giving them an official name or anything but thats just what they are, foundations. i only really have maybe 4 people who fit this. 2 of which are extremely important. necessary, even. after losing my brother i latched onto them fiercely. but its never been easy. apparently im a pretty big basket case. the bipolar tears through me and i go red in all aspects. i get it alot. i try to explain it, to doctors, to family, to my friends. its hard for them to understand what it is like to have to endure these bouts with rage, lust, indifference, and masochism. i change and i cant fight it. most times its rushing and overwhelming. i want this or that now, and i dont care about feelings, repercussions, or safety. i get hysterical and aggressive, sometimes quiet and withdrawn, seething with passive aggressive tendencies. i mean what kind of a person sits and thinks about how she can sneak injuries onto parts of her skin that she hasnt gotten to yet. i change moods so often i swear im in fog most of the day. i see myself being an asshole but i cant break out.
but still. im completely human. i need things. i feel neglected when i am. and on top of all this ive been going through for over a decade, now im fucking pregnant. im tired of hearing about my fucking hormones, tired of everyone waving me off as BITCHY. i am SCARED. i may have bipolar, but lately the baby has been calming it. now for the other gleam in my eyes, the one that gives bite to my words, thats the wonderful glint of quiet desperation that only a woman having a baby when she has nothing but a man that wont step up to his responsibilities could have. im struggling to see the good parts. the up side as they call it. my friends are good to me. the close ones. buying me food, letting me stay in their homes. but i sit and watch them work for their money, go out and get drunk and come back laughing, not have to worry about taking care of something that is loved but wasnt planned. it hurts. im jealous. and its tearing apart my relationships. i finally got to go out for 45 minutes this last friday. but it was rushed, they drank and smoked on a bar patio most of the time while i sat feet away. then apparently the friends i met up with deserved to be bashed. it was shit. so we went home and they left to a bar. im sorry but i was not happy. the weekend fell apart in my hands but again i was bitchy, cranky, impossible. it is always my fault. im so frustrated. even now after ive sent out apologies that im not sure were deserved no one is asking what is wrong.
what do i do?
i want to go back.
i want my old life back.
im terrified and sad all the time again, the dark wants me because it knows im vulnerable. it tells me werent you happy with me stephanie? the cutting felt so good, crying helps, dark rooms. they dont understand you. you burden these people. they WILL get tired of your shit. they may be too polite to tell you. but you have nothing to give them and they give you everything. useless girl. carrying something you wont ever be able to take care of. are you happy? of course not. come here.

im not sure ill say no.

ive always been so comfortable being unhappy.

fuck.

6.8.10

dreams, silence, home alone mostly, nothing

living for bright beams of friends i havent seen in a while, i run into their arms as i smile too wide, compliment recklessly, and linger at goodbyes.
its like i had a life ages ago.
im sure i did.
there had to be times out in the "country" where we had a home and people filled it often. drinks, smoke in the air, games, sex, long long talks, and support.
it feels like forever ago. i feel so different now......... [empty stare]

[daze]

i shake this out of my head and look over at the hot cheetohs and lemon to my left.

tonight, i'll take heartburn over deep thought.

yeah.

5.8.10

blood like oil

what is this, slow motion? everything feels dripping slow now.
its the point when i need the answers, your answers, his answers, facts, comforts, knowledge, give it to me why are you being so difficult when are the tests due back oh i could just fucking PUNCH something. its enraging.
finally im ready for it to be given straight as they say and now im dancing out of tune with nothing solid. holding myself up. fingers slipping through fog. there are few things real right now. i have two people beside me, one little person inside of me and 3 pets who mostly sleep and eat all day. i have no assets, nothing of my own to speak of spare random thrift store baubles, shoeboxes full of makeup, bobby pins, and plastic dinosaurs, and hair.
im far from derelict but im tripping ever closer. if it wasnt for the two angels i have protecting me on the weekends i might have already jumped texas and disappeared into unsolved mysteries status. i probably wouldnt care.
its so hard to think of others. that dark part of my brain twitches and im convinced im better off.
i could SWEAR i dont care.
[burning out inside]
its the point, you see.
i need to know, i need answers. remember. but at this point its mostly realization. that i may have to raise a child alone. that i have no job. that i can paint, but really i cant afford to anymore. that this was supposed to make me feel taken care of. but now i only fear for myself and my tiny parasite.
people like me never win the lottery, we get struck by lightning.
how long can i live in their homes before my angels throw up their hands and say snap the fuck out of it.
i feel a little useless today, that may be all.
its happened before.
ill surface soon.


right.