18.3.09

the basics

i am always awake at this hour.


gross. why cant i write?

im sick with jealousy.
confused by stupid kids.
feeling anxious.

ive been dreaming. like always. these things that happen to me in them are devastating when i wake up. i can do so much in them, im so much more in them, then the alarm has been going off for hours and im late. again. the drive kills the smoke and mirrors, getting out and up into sunlight and customer service ive lost the last of what i can remember as escape. the last one was strange. a huge crater turned amusement park, fake rivers that were almost dry, earthy dark rooms with glass boxes in the centers and the man with the pulleys. suit and tie sunday best. games i dont understand. ugh, its already gone. sleep will come. eventually even to me. i always hope it will bring water meeting purple skies and the boy i inevitably fall for every night. different setting same idea. take me out of this. get me as far from waking as i can get. coma deep i am level and pure. except when i dream about clowns. thats never good news.
[hrm]
mostly its people i cant deal with. this city is so small. too fucking packed with uncomfortably familiar faces and used oxygen. the people i know drive me bat shit. tempers and alcohol. pot and accusations. nonsense.
and you, god im so tired of having to deal with you. no not you darling. not yet but you. you call me and tell me you cant be my friend anymore. that youre in love with me, whatever that means to me anymore, that you think im silly and too loud and that ive broken your heart. you just came back remember? we just fixed the last stupid thing and now this? fantastic. like we were anything to begin with. im left holding the phone and the expression on my face must have been something since tom quickly gets up and leaves. rage. shock and awe. a terrible amusement at the sheer idiocy that is the human race. people are walking talking travesties. simple and ape like almost always. throwing shit and shit fits and passing off lust and sudden bursts of anger as passion and grace. amazing. im shaking my head and almost laughing. it just all seems so silly now. your ridiculous. and i wont miss it. i cant afford to miss you, boy, we had a good go but this is too much. frustrated. ugh. after that fun moment i make a friend come over and saturate him in music and my second hand smoke as i pace and rave and tremble. while these things are lunacy they still shake me. people will always get under your skin. they leave things in your home or in your mind and theres just no way to clear it all out at once. if only. i think im done stringing along while people say they might make time. i dont have enough for myself.







[i hope your enjoying creeping around my blog by the way.]
me, i always love the attention.


god how will i drive home like this.
riled.

i need her soft voice and my girls and my blankets.

word.

16.3.09

put me to sleep

in this state i may fight.


its so early.

how do people give in so easily. is it so hard to say no? so hard to put forth effort and realize that physicality is simple and emotion is strength?

who knows.

ive always been a fighter. bared teeth and knuckles and me reaching towards your face.

[direct hit]

i feel more powerful, seeing images of weak and destructive people.

for as destructive as i can be, i have the sense of personal respect so rare these days.

just say hello darling, dont slip.

sleep is attacking me.
[deep and black and soothing]

fine.

just this once.

15.3.09

to be resistant, the other night and the ones that followed, and dancing away the week

smoke smoke smoke

stomach turning.

ouchie.

i have a slightly desperate look in my eyes right now.

too much in my head. i can't get started.

who the fuck designed my duplex? who was the asshole who put the mirror in the bathroom just a tiny bit higher than normal so i have to be on my toes when im trying to get ready in light speed for work? makeup becomes a workout. all the outlets are sideways. the ceilings are too high goddamnit. theres no vent for the stove so the fire alarm goes off while im cooking and im left fanning the beeping thing and prying open painted windows. i stomp through the small space, befuddled, glancing at the parts of it that don't fit or make sense. it smells like grandma in there. [no one else has acknowledged this, maybe im imagining that part] no doors on the frames, i walk circles into the kitchen into the living room into the kitchen. theres wallpaper on one wall, four feet up, and thats it. ????? oh well. at least the lights work and the cats are happy to smell the strange blue carpet. harumph. what an odd place.
might just be perfect for me.
ive had a very real fear that maybe ill be trapped here. in this city. i see people i know, getting soft and settled. content? maybe resigned. a copper taste and i know im growing roots. here i shake my feet. ok, theyre still a metaphor. but how much longer do i have before the air becomes too thick and i cant breathe anymore just function and tread. shake it off shake it off shake it off.
for now i can handle this. maybe.
the other night i drove across town in rain and cold to get the voice ive been missing these past few years. deep and familiar. he gets in my car and i start to panic. what am i thinking... whats this..... i cant do this. but there we were. in the parking lot at work now. its been hours and the windshield holds rain and our coffee is cold and im not as nervous anymore. hes the same boy i used to know. adore, love, whatever. years ago we destroyed each other. the fall was incredible, epic and cruel. and yet.... its true .... i could never trust anyone like i trusted him. i could never let go. maybe i never did, just put on a good front. you still make me shake. and i want to be here. this isnt like before. welcome back.
sigh. but its terrifying.

everything is so damn terrifying.

last night i danced with people i adore. we watched a classy lady expose herself then we went back to singing bad rap and dancing like the east siders we are. drunk and smiling i hug and pull and move. it felt wonderful and i forgot that i had all this trash in my head for just long enough. her smile, his hand on my arm and the pulsing lights mingle with new faces and smoke. smile honey, this is what you need.

sigh.

what can i do to make a straight line? nothing.

powerless.

head rush.

done.

14.3.09

give thanks

for the simple and moving things we have.

sometimes there is nothing else.

9.3.09

vent vent vent vent

little things tear at me. devour me.

theres nothing easy about going through days as this. reading too much into movements and words. reaching. if you will. upward and away from the dark spots below. away from the stagnant and pale. this last week has been the most confusing of this year. twisting and butterflies and this new and fleeting emotion i thought was once dead. passion? is that you? too bad. your coming in a weird time. stephanie meets boy, stephanie goes to work, stephanie hears voice she hasnt heard in years and years, stephanie comes to realization. not all of this feels good. but most of it does. delicious and frightening.
the boy. quick breaths and arms locked. being kissed like that hurts. i fell. weak. gave too much. and now its no ones fault but mine that im just a girl again. if anything, a goodbye fuck. weak weak weak weak. i go back to the blogs i wrote before. i always fall for boys the hardest when they are the most impossible to attain. when they are too busy or too intense or too much or ... leaving. maybe its a stigma with me. i just like the rush. maybe im trying to prove i can make them stay. most times they dont and im left breathless and wandering. well see. theres still time for me. i shouldnt care so much about them.
work comes in short bursts. time flies and im reeling at the end of the day, coffee grounds cling to my fingers and the customers names are slurring together. they ask me if everything is ok, but im all smiles and head shaking when im there. makeup and eyelashes flashing. intimidating and strong. the perfect shade of yes sir. maybe. then im in the elevator going up one floor and im sagging against the wall and praying for the strength to straighten and walk out. back into it. these new people are strange. they invite me out and talk and laugh and i take them in and we romp. i like the poeple i work with. sometimes.
the duplex is terrifying and usually too warm. i pace and listen to the music people give me. painting saves me. my cigarettes save me. but not always. i put my fists through my bedroom window the other day. im too dramatic maybe.
[dogs barking and killing each other and i just want the noise to stop]



i dont know how i feel right now! actually its kind of mixed. i feel twitchy and scared and at the same time brave and standalone.

silly.

ridiculous.

jumping guns.

tripping.


what is coming? who knows! in and out and me at the wheel. drunk and heavy with thought.

ugh.

i cant write anymore.

ive lost it.

1.3.09

maybe im all messed up

but then again this is the only time....

never mind.

instances change emotion.

and im all about it.

all over it.

time for the new parts.


today my dog dug into my neighbors yard and tried to woo her tinier more angry dog.
i had to carry his heavy ass back home.

this day was cursed from the start you could say.

im already over it.

current favorite song: my girls by animal collective.

the other night me and some great boys walked through hemisfair.
we walked by the fountains and looked at the art. dizzy headed i agreed to move to chicago.

its about that time any way.

time to leave.

i dont think ill look back.