Thursday, January 28, 2010

dream 867295756.9678472

last nights dream was short and packed in with very confusing shit, let me tell you, dont know what was wrong with the brain but she was moving.
i cant even grab all of it.
i swear i was only asleep for an hour...

and here:

the part i can remember is the last part. but in the beginning im sure i faintly remember
-the ocean
-boats, HUGE boats, and a town floating out in the middle of nowhere
-a child bartender
-fish tanks full of goldfish
-jellyfish bites

the ending was a little more grounded, hah, i guess. i was in my first house here in san antonio, the house we moved in when we first got here when i was young. but now im a grown woman, much older than i am now i think. and i have children. (shudder) so i know ive been walking for the last few hours i feel memories, dream memories, of a campus of some kind, with alot of ivy. i also see a mans face, hes angry. im in the house now and i hear a banging on the front door its the man i know it i start to shake and try to find places to hide while grabbing up my children, who i really cant see clearly. hmp. now the banging is getting louder and im building a wall down the middle of the house cutting off the back from the front, working mind blowingly fast. i think i have a husband he must be near me somewhere holding the kids. just as im getting to the the last upper left corner i hear the man get through the door just as my youngest child throws herself into my arms. the mans upper body thrusts through the unfinished part of the wall and hes screaming. i start to tell him please i tried, i did what you asked please dont i have a family. he is still screaming when he shoots me in the head twice and then unloads into the room wildy. i dont lose consciousness, im on the floor, i dont feel my child moving. i look over and see a man in the floor near me. i blink and now we are all laying in the porch of this house. still bleeding, waiting to die. but now there is movement, everywhere. in the street facing the house cars are piling in parking. people are getting out, its almost like a party. directly across the street is my grandmothers house (in real life too) and i look for her. i feel dull pain all over and still, the tiny thing in my arm doesnt move. i see people coming out of my grandmas house, women who look mannish. short hair, cutoff sleeves, etc. i call to her, where is she i need help. please. im sleepy. finally i see an ambulance. a large man steps up to us. he says let me have her, i need to help her. and now im saying ive been stabbed. im so confused none of this makes sense. as im saying ive been stabbed i see the baby he pulls away from me, i thought she was older, shes tiny, with a hole dripping blood and gaping on her side. i start to scream. now my grandma walks up, dressed in a beautiful lace dress, stark white. shes laughing and she touches my hand and tells me to stand up. i say im hurt. shes says its not so bad. so i get up and walk to the ambulance. inside i see a small plastic tub full of blankets and what i think is my baby. the man says how old is she i say 1 to 2 years i dont know shes small. i look in the tub and start to reach for her but now shes not a baby shes a puppy. (??!!HUH??!!) i pet the puppy and see there is tape wrapped around parts of it body. i look down and see holes in mine. i start to pass out and wake up.
jose is telling me goodbye i love you text me.

and im left in bed wide eyed and breathing hard and reaching for where i think my spleen is.


THAT was fucking weird.

i honestly dont know.

gonna think it over today.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

and marty just stares at me

finally. day off.
psssh. like i don't have months off every year or anything. i am greedy when it comes to time.

i've been in a very good mood lately. think its because of the boy. i don't know what is different this time or why it's working all of a sudden but damn it i'm very much in love. hm. i'm thankful to have someone who takes care of me and loves me like him. it hasn't been easy by any means, i mean try having an angry bipolar artist/lazy bum for a girlfriend. i'm very complicated. and so is he. the beginning was crazy rocky. i left him for a while. but i couldn't not see him, i was connected already by then he was all i saw when i thought of love, holding hands, sex, and friendship. and now we have our little home, our dog, our life. and he brings balance. he brings happiness. he kisses me and tells me that im beautiful when im caught in manic anxiety or crying and useless in bed. he drags me outside, to parks, on walks with the dog, to his moms house, to dinner. he knows just how to make me feel whole, and productive. he encourages my art, says he is inspired by it. and i love watching him on his bike. he has a warm soul. and i love him. last night he said his love for me is like the universe - expanding endlessly. i was 14 again except this time i found the prince charming i never found then.
its all so nice.


now if only i could address my fear of other people. haha. he still gets confused when i kick and scream at the mention of shopping malls.

my new dog is amazing. marty. he is the coolest little dropped dog ever. i swear he has a voice like morgan freeman. and he is staring at me right now. we have been spoiling the living shit out of this creature, he eats like every hour. and he always tries to sneak into bed. sweetheart. he hates cats but i can get past that.


[i keep messing with the gaping hole in my mouth. gross]

it's been whirl windy. i swear i don't recognize me. i'm sure i'll be someone else tomorrow. but today is my day off so i'm easy.

time to watch nat geo with the dog.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

goodbye tooth, hello hole in head

last night i had an emergency extraction for a wicked tooth with a helluva cavity. i was in so much pain i was sure my head was gonna give birth to an elephant. instead this little guy came out with a nice young dentist grunting over pliers and his assistant holding my jaw while i tried not to laugh. after swallowing blood all night im feeling much better. the tooth misses me though. heh.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

i just dont know

about all of this sometimes. today im all tears and frantic motions. hold it together. cant you breathe. huff huff huff huff. gasp.

im no good at talking to you face to face. im all quivers when i have to take a stand its too hard to deal with these adult situations its too much to tell you what youre doing wrong im too scared of all the repercussions im a coward ok? happy now?

and i ran away from there so fast i swear my shadow stayed behind.

its no one specific, its EVERYONE. every other breathing soft thing. ugh i kick myself when im safe at home, practicing what i should have said in the bathroom, saying you are 24 what the hell is this shit. youre so strong here what happens outside? and i stop and look at my own face in the mirror and the bewildered dog at my feet and sigh.

i need bed. and national geographic. and tea. and him.

goodnight internet.

Friday, January 15, 2010

why yes

i did notice its friday.

tales of destruction will be here soon.

do you have a guest bedroom?

fuck it, he'll sleep under my feet.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

dream, sleep erratic, cup a soup, and dogcouch

last night was pretty smooth going. fight club, actually getting picked up, advice on the highway, getting in late. the damn dog was on the couch again, i make a mental note to wash the covers, hes still up, he seems distant, i try not to think about it.

sleep came pretty easy.


its halloween. and im in a wheel chair. am i paralyzed? i can hardly tell im not moving much and if i am i cant feel it. we're by a huge indoor swimming pool with slides all around it. there are people everywhere, some are like me, in chairs, some stand. its a camp of some kind, for people with fear. i think. i wheel to the edge of the pool and look up. the slides around the edges are massive, so tall. and multi layered. people are sliding off of them at alarming speeds nearly meeting in air before crashing into the water. its almost beautiful. i hear crying to my right and see a man in a chair holding his face. i go to him and tell him its ok, ill go with you, well go to the top, well fly. so he follows me to the ladder and we have to pull ourselves up with only our arms. we finally get to the top and clamber onto the slide, i tell him im right here. were so high up, im a little dizzy. i see him go he tries to stop at the end he must be terrified but he falls over the edge less than gracefully and hes gone. i know i cant go back on a promise so i push off. towards the end i get scared and try to stop myself too. i lean over and look down, sweet jesus its far, no no no, but now i feel the whole slide tipping with me on it, and we fall. i get the flutter in the stomach and the water is coming and then black.
[i dont quite wake up]
now im in a school. again, full of people. in costume, they mill everywhere. i walk around looking at everyone. the costumes are great, the eggs from yoshis island, crazy monsters, ninjas, darwin. im getting a little panicked so i duck through a door to my left to get some peace and find myself tumbling off a 2 story ledge into a soft mound of cut grass outside. i shake myself off and stand up to look around. im at the side of the school, its massive [why is everything so BIG in this dream], at least 5 stories. im in a little side field that is full of bones. yep. bones. skeletons whole and in pieces lay all around me. crap i gotta get back inside so i start to make my way over the soft ground. i hear shifting behind me and look back. a skeleton is trying to stand. shit! im done. i start to run. i finally find a door back into the building and i run head first into dawnelle. shes trailing a group of boys behind her. shes says we have to get to the top. the library. well be safe there. animals and children live there. im confused. she drags me into a stairwell and we try to make our way up through the flow of people trying to get down. i tell everyone i can that the skeletons are coming to life. they laugh and say its halloween of course they are. finally we get to the top floor and manage to get through the door. the whole floor is open. no walls only bookshelves that only come up about 3 feet. there is a soft orange glow in the room, like sunset. animals of all kinds run through the aisles, and i see children playing games and reading in their costumes all about. dawnelle says look what i brought and i look at her in time to see her disappear through the door, grabbed and dragged out by hands grasping every part of her. i turn back to the room and now theres nothing. books lay open, fur clings to walls. and im alone.

i wake up.

and its fucking 3 o'clock in the afternoon.


i start work again tomorrow. gotta get out of this sleeping death state.

time to wash the dog. he smells terrible. maybe i can also hunt down a cigarette.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

strays, paintings (finally), and a dream

firstly ill get this to you. ive been meaning to share as it is. these are my most recent along with one of toms. (very talented) on the black one, jupiter complex, there have been additions and revisions but that will be posted later. so yea. go on.


last night was monday. right? think so. we went to the boys brothers house and had a pretty interesting conversation on the porch, all the while being accosted by neighborhood cats and small children. eventually it was getting down to pretty rough deep talk and me well i wasnt up for it. these people were strangers! i was curling up. we left. i felt like i had failed. all the gusto i had earlier in the day i was so ready to get out and talk to people and be just there. ehhh. bed and the late night tv curse were a little more appealing. i had the longest deepest dream ever.


im definitely a boy. in the dream. ahem. im younger like 15. something is wrong, i think ive lost someone close to me. i have a little group of friends with me. were in this huge house massive mansion something. i hear voices in the other room so i follow them and my friends follow me. as i walk into this massive ballroom i see that the room is actually split down the middle by this shimmering wall almost like water. i walk up to it. people are standing in front of the wall and talking in hushed tones, hurried and a little upset. i see movement behind the moving surface and a girl appears. shes beautiful, blond tiny waist completely stylized but so very appealing. i reach through the surface and dont even think i just grab her and pull her through shes falling into my arms crying a little shes says im so happy to see you, i hate being stuck there and its all coming back to me. shes mine we are in love and totally and utterly cursed. shes banished from my world or some shit and im trying to get her back. but i think shes here now, ive got her and we kiss. shes so small and she smells amazing. but then she starts to scream my fingers! i look and her nails are falling off turning into dust. the tips of her hair blow away, shes buckling. i push her back through the surface and im flung into it too. she falls to the ground, back to normal, and i dont feel good. she pushes a flower into my hand then me back through the wall. we look at each other and she cries. she has bright purple eye makeup. it strikes me that theres no time to waste. a woman behind me tells me that im changing the future and she hands me a pile of books and sketch pads. me and my friends leave. were on a grassy hill. i get the feeling that everyone is leaving in my family, on a trip. i tell my friends we have the house to ourselves. we should go there, have a party.
[something fuzzy happens here..]
instead we end up on a roller coaster, trying to read the journals and pretending like detective work is this. when the coaster stops we hold open the book and i see names and lines and lines of writing, done neatly and in female hand. the lines all say the same thing - my name is ______. i cant quite read the name, its written a thousand times. the roller coaster starts up and i let go of the journal. in my head im thinking whats love anyway. ill find another. this is too hard.
[something else happens]

and i wake up to the boy kissing me goodbye.

confused and shaken, i demand to know what the hell my brain is thinking.

i always fall in love in my dream. and i cant ever stand straight after the ones that break my heart. this one was too real. ive never felt the want so deep. but at the end the seperation was too easy. and thats what scared me the most.

gotta try to salvage today. ill walk the dog for now.

Monday, January 11, 2010

strangers, grasping, cigarettes, and a need to make changes

sometimes i disappear.

usually its due to indifference, resignation, i dont see a need to participate when the crap of the world is in the air, thick and choking. its better to stay in, stay away from outlets, computers, radio, voices. i dive into books, i touch and i write on paper, real paper. i become obsessed with pens, i throw energy into physical altercations like fighting or sex. everything needs to be proven suddenly. the internet and television is too easy, it gives you the feeling the story the colors. real life is harder you have to go out and get it. so i venture out. finally after weeks of being locked in, and once im out im out. the car gets filled up i get in it and i call every number in my contacts trying to find an accomplice. someone please come with me. its lonely now, after all that pushing i need you finally, are you there. im on my way. its so strange some of my friends have the weirdest looks on their faces, like who are you? this smiling warm stranger, she swears she knows me but i dont remember the color of her hair or the ways her eyes dont hold mine. but her voice is clear now and she wants to pay for everything. i come in small bursts, flaming, burning. i feel the mood swings coming and try to ignore them. sometimes it works. after a time i wear out. i stop calling. stop moving. now your pulling me and im pushing back, its all so familiar. a strange cycle like seasons eating my brain. i swear its like sedation. i want to do things. i want to get on and talk to you but i cant find it in me. i think im coming out right now. the winter weather and the ice and the dog and all the sketches filling up and overflowing in my head its time to actually get things started again. and all the things i want to do cant wait. i dont have alot of time remember eventually the proverbial leaves will turn and the locks will click black and ill be in full fetal mode. but for right now im shaking off the sheets and getting a little excited. ive been away.

i need a cigarette and some paint and i need to get going already.


Thursday, January 7, 2010


im here again.

and this time im in a writing way.

ive had my nyquil and a beer and im ready for later to be here already so i can post those damn paintings and write your hearts out.

still be there.

are you?