Tuesday, June 30, 2009

plural? hardly.

well my week here is over. tomorrow i get on a bus and settle in for 23 hours of good old fashioned boredom and as much sightseeing as you can do from a moving window.
san antonio waits for me. a little miffed i just ran off like that. she'll forgive me.
i dont know how excited i can be about this.
oh well.

its so late. ive made the complete transition to night animal. score. it always happens by accident and im not always ready for the return trip to working walking talking human. chain smoking and creeping on the internet has become a staple. coffee and infomercials. old friends.

i finally discovered twitter. been cheatin. ha.

sometimes when people hook up you know its magic and you wish it could be you.
bullet system. hello old fried.

lately ive had alot of mixed feelings. mostly jealousy and boredom. ive been working hard, painting and planning, but i still dont know if this is what i want or if im just passing time.


im sure it will all work out. right now my brain is scoffing, but im determined.

time to rest. goodbye atlanta. i must resume my roles tomorrow.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Something about nighttime makes me itch. Too much to plan and no structure doesn't help.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Its too much to sleep.
Wait. This is all very confusing. I wish i could understand tone and context better. Sigh.

Saturday, June 27, 2009


i went to the georgia aquarium in atlanta! it was really amazing. the animals were breathtaking. there was tons of salt and freshwater displays. even otters. my head could explode. it was massive. like 8 million gallons of water and and incredible color changing ceiling in the main entrance. sure kids and people were absolutely everywhere, but i couldnt take my eyes off the creatures in these wonderful roof tanks and open sandbar, it was enough to ignore that i got kicked in the shin twice and nearly tripped when a woman with a camera bigger then my head bumped me. i mean they had these huge i mean huge majestic whale sharks that they had literally just received and they were massive. they were part of this cool water tunnel and we watched them float by over our heads with hammerhead sharks and bright little fearless fish that schooled around the beasts like colorful wisps of smoke. they had these beautiful beluga whales too, and you could swear these guys knew they were being watched, they were so graceful and charming. the otters were the best part. the smaller ones were sleeping in an adorable pile and the larger one was playing with bright toys and really showboating. i laughed hard when me and this little girl next to me made the same oh my god thats too cute noise at the same time. i dont know it felt like i was a kid again. the whole place was incredible. here are some highlights:

afterwards we got some great shots of the surrounding downtown atlanta. i gotta say the city is big. i mean we have some nice skyscrapers in san antonio but my goodness, this city is full of landmarks and the most intricate architecture. the cnn, coca cola, home depot and ups home bases are here. our amazing cab driver, kofi, who is form ghana, drove us around and showed us what was where, good places to eat, where not to go without a knife and life insurance, and he told us about his intensely hard working life. oh we went to the olympic park and saw the torches, drove by every stadium and i marveled at just how GREEN everything. the highways were lined with trees, much like florida, with vines that wrapped the trees and almost made them seem like statues. i swear i saw an elephant and a bird perched on a huge arm chair. heh. it was exhausting and fun. more highlights:

Its been a long night. Nice to know mobile blogging will comfort me at least. Word.

wake up

nothing is free.
they might try to tell you it is. no strings attached and whatnot.
you will always pay.

Friday, June 26, 2009

system error [pleasant surprises]

in the last few weeks i have

-found an old friend. reconnected.
-danced to a great 80's cover band.
-filed for unemployment for the first time.
-painted like crazy.
-had some really good food and conversation.
-learned about brain disorders and antipsychotics.
-smiled. alot.
-missed blogging.
-longed for someone.
-fled temporarily to georgia.


nice days are the shortest but it dont have time to mind.

Monday, June 1, 2009

its been a long time, but finally, a dream

its a little choppy and i just fell out of a sort of bed so ill ignore my back and eat a cookie and get it out.

it starts with me going to a huge house on a hill with family. im probably a little older than i am now, maybe 30. the house is old and everyone is milling on the porch waiting for the cue to go inside. we are visiting and uncle. hes very old and we have to be gentle with words and hugs, so says the head woman of our group. i dont recognize anyone. am i related to these people? we finally filter in, the rooms are dimly lit by strong outside light through heavy gauze like curtains. dust and and a stale taste are prominent. the bottom floor is very open. like a loft. with support beams and very few walls. in the largest room of the first floor there are children running. a dusty christmas tree is sagging against one of support beams. i walk through this room looking around me trying to find something familiar in the faces. by the tree i see a teenage girl pulling down a string of lights that had been stapled to the ceiling. a young boy is near her and she holds the lights out to him. they crackle and buzz and flicker on and off. my stomach turns. i find another room, this one full of adults. they stand around a bed with a heavy wooden frame and too frilly lace blankets. a small man lays in the bed. this must be the person we are here to see. the adults stand around him like disciples, leaning in and touching him every so often, though he never says a word. i want to leave now but as i turn to get out i hear the little boy from earlier screaming. the teenage girl runs past me in the hallway with smoke billowing from her liek she is on fire. shes crying i think but theres no time. in the main room the boy is rigid and open mouthed. no sound now but the sizzle. a man hits him with a huge wood stick and the boy slides to the floor. i find a bathroom and throw up. in the mirror my hair is brown and blond and very long with waves. i look older. but still tired. like now. i leave the house.
now im in a car and its nighttime. the man driving is blurry and i cant really see him well. theres another man behind me who looks like jim from the office. [probs because i had watched the entire fifth season before going to bed last night] he has his hand on my shoulder, i think we are together, i feel strong warm feelings for him. we are going down a steep hill and i realize we are going to back to the uncles home. my stomach drops i dont want to go. we are trying to find the house going much too fast down this hill. finally i spot it we skid and stop. all the lights are out. im quietly thankful. the man behind me [love] says ok thats it we are going to the seventy six. its right up there. he indicates a tall tower in the distance with a glowing orange ball at the top of the lightning rod. we go. we're on a highway now and its pouring rain. the cars around us cant handle it and some of them crash into medians and each other. they slide all around us and we struggle. i notice that the water isnt just coming from the sky there are hoses on either side of the highway pumping water out onto the road. im scared. as we drive i notice that the cars ahead of us are changing. into people. a purple car changes into a woman in a purple dress and she skids and slides and as i watch her the road turns into a bar with hardwood floors and tall windows. somehow we are standing in the bar too. i look around. at the top of the tower the view is amazing. there are alot of people and the man im with gets me a drink. in the corner of the bar another man sits on a pile of clothes. hes giving out pizza slices. this is all so confusing. there is no taste the beer is flat and the people seem bruised and shadowed. its very creepy. finally we are leavingbut as we leave the doors i realize that we arent leaving the tower but the house where [my?] uncle lives. what?? geez. the boys are ahead of me going towards the car when and old asian man leaps from the bushes to my right and pushes a finger into my throat. i warned you! why would you come here?! you are cursed!! hes screaming and jabbing me. hard. i yell at my man and he runs to us, pushing the old man away from me, pulling me into his arms. we walk away like that holding each other tightly. i dont want to let you go he says and i laugh then dont. as we walk past the yard i look and swear to god see a capybara [wikipedia it] chasing a small squirrel. he pulls me away from it when i start to cry. then hes letting me go and im waking up.

the end.

whooooo. what a dream.

what a state im in. sitting here in someone elses pajamas and trying to work through the rush in my head.

back to work.


and again.

the big circle embraces me just as im finally turning against it.

you bastard.