30.6.11

[HMIMIH]

[In my dream I was almost there
Then you pulled me aside and said, "You're going nowhere."
I know we are the chosen few but we're wasted
And that's why we're still waiting]


ick. sick with emotion, i'm roaming the quiet rooms of the semi empty house. one is sleeping, one is at work, the other is off doing whatever. i am deeply lonely, dropping onto the living room couch for less than a second, then up and walking again. bathroom- touch my face in the mirror, sigh and weigh myself, kitchen - half clean, smelling of bleach and dog food and something sweetly rotten, bedroom- cool air, my dog, and tv. but i'm twitching in the chair. picking at my skin. falling into myself. someone needs to be here. i want to meet a new person. not to love or touch, but to talk to. someone who could forget the awkward phases of lust and want. someone who won't fuddle it all up with like and hand holding. this person does not exist of course. it doesn't matter.
it's never their fault anyway. say one thing nice to me and i need you in a way that is unheard of, you shine with golden light, you are soft and tempting.
touch me right and i'm a puppy dog, following and forgetting to eat and sleep.
[it's ... hard to explain why]
but it's how i am. i feel the warm feeling welling over and it's so not the right thing for me and you but i let it happen. if i can even stop it, i don't know, i've honestly never tried.
as it spills over the edge inside i wonder how you can change my life. our friendship is maybe 5 minutes in. you've already sold me. maybe i love you.
this intense terrible dizzying need. it literally makes me sway on my feet. i roll in bed, eyes open and heart racing. why do i do this?! i can't breath. don't get close to me, unless you want to just ignore the greedy look in my eyes as i follow the lines of your body, and cling to your words.
needy.
desperate.
don't leave me.
i watch it all happen. completely aware. that's the shitty fun part. i see it. and it makes me laugh and cry and cringe.
to make it all crazier, right, i'm about to tell you i watch myself fall hard. like a second separate person. fuuuuuck. how is it i am out in the general population? whatever.
that's the usual.... i ask for something, knowing it's not in reach, because i am incapable of normal human relations.
wee.

i need to get off the damn computer. i can't look into myself for too long. :/

27.6.11

wishes

-tacos and a big red
-carpet in my room
-better skin
-more energy
-paint and canvas
-a new brain
-strong control over my moods
-to be kissed
-to sleep soundly next to someone
-clay
-my parents back in the us
-to not think for two minutes, just rest
-a cat
-coffee
-a child
-a plane ticket to anywhere
-a random letter in the mail
-a better job
-books and tuition for the fall semester
-motivation
-water

25.6.11

quick! dream

last night i dreamt i was in a big city, hidden away at some clinic for crazies. an old lady comes in i think i'm related to her and she tells me my great grandma has died. she starts to explain whats going on and as she does she starts to get younger. she draws little pictures on paper, and then she sticks her hands in my mouth and feels around my teeth and tongue, then she draws them out and points out all the cracks and cavities, telling me life is is hard and short. the nurse comes in and takes her away. then several others are in the room. a few girls and a small black man, who is my case worker, he brings me folders and papers that i dont understand and he tries to talk to me but i cant hear him through the sadness im feeling. some of the girls are talking close to us, i see that one of them is wearing a flowing red shirt and she has deep dark scars marching up her arm, im drawn to them like art. i envy her. she has fresh scratches on her elbows. i need those. i covet and lay back in the huge couch im on. the black man continues to talk but now im floating off.

i wake up slowly and softly... like cotton is in my head.

hrm. [typing too fast, punctuation is actually bothering me today]

21.6.11

pills, please (that same old diseased feeling)

you can always tell when i'm off meds.

i miss them.

i need them? shit. i'm reading blogs/articles/books/anything. hand over my face sometimes. drunk sometimes. cigarettes back in my life again. where is that elusive a ha moment.

hm... everything is ok right now. hands out in front of me as i move forward, waiting for obstacles to touch my fingers, but so far there is only air. still. calm before the storm and all that right?

sigh. quick fast lungs full of air sigh.

it is impossible to self medicate this feeling. i don't think i have it in me to sell my body for drugs and i like the soft buzz from drinking like a normal person. my other addiction is so taboo i get anxiety just thinking about the screaming consequences of it so i think i should steer clear of it for a while.
[oh how i would love to take a tv, the internet, a bag full of clothes, razors, candy, and marty and just move into a sweet, cold cave]
whatever.
the past few months i've been admitted twice. called begging in the middle of the night, considerably belligerent, sad, crying, talking to the woman on the other end of 911 and telling her i just can't fucking do this. thinking of that deep blackness inside of me at those moments. it makes me cringe. it felt like i could actually do it. and it frightened me so much that like a small child i reached out. pressed the 3 numbers and hoped for the best. both times ending up in handcuffs in the back of police cars.
medicated and trying to talk to doctors while they try to shuffle me out.
health insurance.
god bless america.
i can barely function when i'm crashing. and i have to get health insurance for anyone to give me more than two days worth of help.
i remember the doctor telling me "haven't we seen you before" and i just let my mouth curl.

and now i'm thinking of all this... father's day and whatnot.
that fucking anxiety ripping through me because i just HAD to call and hear his voice.
[what's wrong with me.]
this person, this boy, father of my [ ] child.
look, i'm trying to move on here. i don't even know why i'm trying to explain, i don't have to. i'm just saying. this isn't some tiny thing that happened and now i can't get over it. this is the fault line of life wrenching and twisting apart.
i repeat, whatever.
it could be any situation though. all i know is that i'm dizzy and sick with anxiety and a rushing brain. and all i want is some goddamn pills to make it just STOP for two seconds.

no money.... no sweet calm.

awesome.

it's ok, i'm working again, reading, painting, i have these people in my house who watch me. like a small masochistic toddler.

it's ok. it's ok. it better be ok.

14.6.11

passion in violent acts [in dreams]

i killed someone in my dream the other night, it was terrible and ferocious and i was shocked at how fast and intense the whole thing was.
something was happening in a store with a huge glass front. an argument, some accusation, i dont know...

i remember-

-everyone was wearing white and khaki at one point, as though we were in school, in uniform.
-shelves with little statues and jewelry.
-the person [male?] i was confronting was standing in front of me and i was so angry. we were circling each other and the people around us were yelling for us to stop. i yelled "he skinned that boy alive he has to pay!" then i lunged and stabbed.
-after people started to leave. they walked around the dead body. i laid down with another person and we put our legs up against the wall. he hands me a bubble wrap skirt and i pull it on. he says his assistant got it for me. mari.
-i look out the window, all the people leaving are covered in blood. i can feel the sticky warmth on me, but i cant see it.

in fact all of my dreams are becoming overtly sexual and violent. i dont know why, these phases happen in my sleep.

last night in fact there was a murder and sex. ???

points:

-i had moved into a dorm like apt complex that was tall and square spare on side, which slanted down steeply. it was futuristic in that the architecture was smooth and mono colored, with beautiful balconies and plants all over. small efficient rooms, and elevators. tvs in the hallway. it was very interesting.
-it felt like i was moving in with a family, but i could never really see them. most of the people living in the dorm were young and attractive.
-i wake up in the dream and go to my balcony, its dark and there are cops cars surrounding the lower floor. a man is behind me telling there has been a murder. i get the chills, seeing images of a strangled woman in my head. i go back inside.
-later im on the balcony taking pictures of it with a camera i have to hold up to my eye. its still very dark out. i'm taking a picture of a tree limb that leans into the balcony when the zoom begins to act up. as the camera flashes i see a mans face looking at me from over the limb. i freak out and run inside.
-now we're leaving me and a small group of people, we walk to a house a mile or so away and i look back and take in the image of the tall geometrical building i live in. we get to the little house and go upstairs. everything is cream carpet and buttery furniture. men and women talk to me. i go into the bathroom and put on a lacy very revealing dress and everyone is fucking outside of the bathroom i can hear them, so i sit on the toilet and play with some makeup ive found.
-later i walk out everyone is gone and a man walks up to me and tells me i look amazing and we walk home, crawl into bed and i fall into sleep in the dream and awaken in real life.

i miss my dreams. deeply. my stomach aches when i think about them. nothing could feel look like flow so smoothly be so colorful in real life.

sigh.

if only i could stay.

11.6.11

DOORMAT

i never understand what's happening... the next second i'm furious and you're the same only a shade redder.

how do you think you can get away with it????

fuck. i'm positive i'm not THAT crazy.


idiot.

just shut the fuck up and get on with it.

7.6.11

sensation

is returning to my limbs, and the color to my eyes.

6.6.11

FUCK

all day i put on that fake smile and act like i like the things coming out of your mouth and nodding and laughing and touching and hahahahaha o shit that so funny have another drink, but in reality im fucking SEETHING and cringing and crying and still laughing but hysterically and harshly and it all just simmers underneath it all. i just steam inside myself. waiting for the door to close between me and you so i can throw things from across the room fling glass and jewelry, clothes and my anger, get it out of me, tears everywhere. i can only handle hiding it for so long.
its just so unfuckingfair.
i dont understand what i was supposed to learn i dont care how many times i say it its fucking true, was i such i a bad person that you had to take EVERYTHING from me and in such a terrible fucking way? did i need to be punished that bad??
the huge ugly angry red scar n my stomach i have to see it everyday i shower change do anything self conscious when i have sex its all i can think about it burns and i twist inside. hah inside there is nothing inside they took half of me out, there are no more chances. nothing.

im sick with grief still but playing masterfully a role of recovery.

i should win an award.

everyone around me is celebrating the milestone again or for the first time. no matter how shitty they are, or the circumstances i know they will have a healthy happy ending. good for fucking them. yep, there goes the crying again. i cant help it when i cant physically feel my soul shriveling into a black useless mass. slowly and surely.