poster child. (it's not desired)

i am trying to be excited again.

there just never seems to be enough time. we live for a short spark, then it is curtains for the single human. must be why we are always fussing, kissing, dancing, studying, fighting, making sharp stabbing attempts at loving.

maybe its because ive done too much in my 25 years. i mustve seen the end, a flag waving in the distance marking pencils down, when i was young. so i fell into hurricane. even my parents helped. foreign countries, living in a jungle, exorcisms, strange ice cream, then here. america. school, books, adventures over canyons, nintendo, boys, girls, running away, cutting, death, despair, joy, bloody knuckles. all of it jut swirling together to where i can barely pick it apart now.

its all stopped. its all behind me. ive done so much for myself. taken so much from others. demanded it. sure the boys in that department have left me wanting, empty. but its only a slightly annoying afterthought. boys. pssh. everything else has been a hell of a ride.

now. i have something else to live for. even though its precarious and i could lose it at any time. i hold onto the bond already formed.

i just want it to make it. want the little heart to keep beating so i can put all the experience and hurt and happy to good use.

i would make a wonderful mother i think.

i guess we'll have to wait and see.