Never changing

I don't know what I'm even fucking doing anymore.
I've completely lost my sense of self, my confidence has wavered so hard it's shaken apart beneath my feet.
I'm falling all over myself, trying to hold on to this idea, this hope and belief that soul mates are real. Love is unconditional. That this connection is magic and strong.
But he doesn't think much of me. I'm not worthy of trust, I'm manipulative, weird, unstable. I'm begging and crying over my own ignorance. And I'm not sure I'm worth the effort. I really don't feel worry the effort. I just thought I was doing everything alright for once.
I do this to myself. I'm a fucking idiot.
I'm making attempts at convincing a hard brick wall that a soft, easy existence is possible. But the cool feel of the clay tells me it's too late, or that it doesn't hear me at all.