little bugs are skittering over my skin. thats the only explanation i have for this rising-arm-hair-troublesome-feeling. last night i cried the shit out of myself. and realized several things. yes ladies and gents its that time again.
i realized:
-i am very lonely. and although, yea sure, some of it is that depressive "i just want something" kind of lonely, but its also that " i dont seem to connect with anyone/anything" kind of lonely. bah.
-i am very tired.
-i have very few friends. somehow this matters little when they mean so much.
-babel was a pretty fucking boring movie. even the beaver flashing asian who happened to be deaf and dumb couldnt save it. brad pitt is a hot old man though, ill give him that.
-i need to work. i need to keep busy. its all i can do right now besides wait.
people have to know how petty and ridiculous things are dont they? they just seem so attached to the junk thats floating in orbit around them.
im disgusted at everything lately. even me. thats going to rreeeaaallly hurt me in the end. am i the condescending one? am i the asshole? fuck.
come on there mister. my inner woman is angry and she wants some fucking answers. shes sitting at the desk pencil at the ready back straight and brain empty in anticipation. fucking feed her.
[oy remember the pony in a tutu analogy]
sometimes i feel like im nothing more than theatrics. all this for the show. all the walks out on the stage and all the bows. is it in any way fulfilling? well .... fuck no but it sure is fun.
theres lunch again. another day. same old kind. im fighting the sweet call of nicotine. shes lusting after me bad. goddamnit. it would be so easy you see. to walk out hold out my hand ask for my addiction back.
[please ma'am i was a fool to think i could overcome.......]
why the hell did i wirite that just now. doesnt matter anyway, duane came out and we went out and has a fucking cigarette.
good for us.
day 4 coverage of headache stephanie: there is no news. the fuckers gone.
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