Thursday, March 1, 2007

blue glittery eyes, the question, and male insecurity.

dont be confused by the title, they usually dont mean much.
last night i found myself here again. trying not to constantly write. i wanted to. i yearned to. to get it out let it flow let it come out and through and through and through. but you see its taboo to write more than two blogs a night. or i dont know isnt it? ay. i was here in front of this lovely screen staring and wondering where all these friends i have are. i talk to people. i mean i read their voices more than anything but the lack of physicality in most of my friendships is getting to me. i see maybe two people. most days its just the one. maybe its the car thing. maybe its the time thing. maybe its my hangup thing. i sat here. typed. searched. watched. and listened to trent tell me that i dont need anybody but him.
[kinda believed him, he has a way, is all]
who knows.
tomorrow is the start of a pretty nice little weekend. paid bills. sushi with the missus, the old man and the rican. pet supplies. clothes. when did i turn into something stable and happy? here it is. in front of me and its all i can do not to cringe and step back, so used to being in the hole, so used to being the same old shit. me. a new sound in my parents voices. is this really all i had to do? get 40 hours? get the time of day? get home at ten tired and useful? interesting. take notes children.
a man made me cry at work today. i waited till i got outside then i let the tears come. he was such an asshole. [what you dont undertsand me? dont you speak english stupid?] my shaking hands pressing keys and trying to get this fucker a room, him not hearing me or letting me finish my sentences. fuck that.
i dont know why i let them get to me. but i guess even with all i know and realize ill never escape the current all the little fishies are fighting in todays society. i just better watch out for the bear with the sharp eyes down river.
[see the "friends" paragraph]
i got hit in the leg today with something blue and vibrating.
funny stuff.
stories that people tell other people are so very .. i dont know. weird. not in a bad way. theres just so few words to put how i feel into them. its just funny. stories. and how much thought and emotion and power people give them. they let them define the way they are. but i mean arent you who you are- now? what happened to that person? and you know. when it comes to stories a line from chuck gets me. when people speak. the other person waits. for their turn to speak. you see it the way they pick their nails and start right in when they sense a comma in your sentences. makes you wonder what the hell the point is. of telling stories, you know. another unfinished thought.
you can only say things so many times.
come now, keep reading.
[i just have to say it. im fucking EXCITED about the new NIN album. god]
duane is rocking the chair while i type this. mother fucker. im gonna go kick him in the butt.
i failed.
ay good moods! love it!
people watching is fun. even when your sitting across a table from them. protective eyelashes and the the way they lean down while their on their cellphones as if to hide their conversations. nice. all the while little sparrows play in the dust around our caged tree and titter about.

ive been here long enough.

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