16.4.07

another title i couldnt place

i see one lonely girl. who can be overly perverted and a little too shy when it counts the most to be the one in the front row. in this eternal fight for affection, im losing. holding the hairs ive pulled from over zealous attempts and left in the street after saying the wrong things. im calling out, trying to catch it, trying to run but smoking too much to go very far, trying to say cant you just wait? hm. these things. these things i have or dont have. the things i watch from afar and the things i fall entirely into. none of theses things will fill the little voice with satsifaction. shell just keep telling me in that soft way of hers yep. looks like your alone in this one missy, but come on arent you used to it by now? well of course im not stupid and do you ever shut the fuck up? leave me alone when im lurking and finding out how the other couples are doing, how happy they are. i can live the vicarious kind of life, i can be ok with this, oooohing and aaaahing over the sweet nothings in the movies and crying like the rest. i can do this, i think. i can be ok with this. yet the moments where theres a stranger touching my face im doing the dizzy dance in my head of someone who lies to themselves with these kind of thoughts. these moments confuse the shit out of me. i must stay away from these situations like these. and strangers. who can be thoroughly creepy but strangley [har har] seductive.... sigh. people holding hands on the street. [look stephanie their so happy] old couples in the restaurants [look stephanie their so in love] kisses on the bus from the seats in front of me [look stephanie just fucking look] and me glancing down at my md and getting enraged that its losing battery power. fucking voice. that stupid little girl in me with the glow in her skin and the bells in her voice. that girl that thinks i can be what she is but ignorant in this way seeing how i hate the shit out of her type. my mind. shes a bit naive you see. i wish she would leave, or sew her mouth shut.....but that would just leave me all the way alone and doing horrible in the constant stream of obstacles and thirsty for all things adorable and sweet. ugh, it almost makes me cringe to say it. but now its there. i think romance and i think noble deaths. funny. i walk by boys and think of the shit their thinking about, usually a variation of sex and food. im too geometric. getting to be anyway. i used to be such a nice girl, ready to be taught and wanting to please. now im just hungry for concrete conversation and torturing the opposite sex through hearty screening processes. fucking a. you can take the girl from the object of bitterness.....

well now im just being silly.

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