downtime

ive been in a weird state of mind lately. ive been staring off into large flat surfaces alot lately. yes yes walls, but also the rises of peoples foreheads and the white dry erase board at work. i feel like an empty headed child. most days the laughter comes heavy and i have to struggle to keep it up. but i do it. i have to. its been two nights without incident. dont know what im talking about? i dont care. its not for you. its been two of the weirdest nights in the terms of my thoughts. besides the looming sadism [which my friends LOVE] theres also an element of extreme nothing. theres a weird feeling associated with the latter one. kind of a lovely suction on my brain. its like im being drained. and theres nothing i can do to stop it. sweet. i am in serious need here. and nothing is helping. my demands are far to great for any of my friends to do anything. and thats disheartening it itself. poor them. i wish this was easier guys. but im a little lost at the moment. the rides still going and ive paid up. sigh. but i will say, i have a good group of men helping me through this. and i guess that their the reason im not committed by now. you boys. hmm.

i need to get ready for work soon. as much as i want to blog and tell stories of the days past i cant right now. hrm.