Saturday, April 21, 2007


i had a dream last night. it was tied in with the earlier blog. the spazzy stephanie blog. it has an abandonement theme and i have it all pretttttty worked out. but it was still something to write down, and im just damn glad i remembered it.

me in a huge wharehouse with a shit load of rooms. most are furnished with living room type furniture and colorful rugs, while some are kitchens and some are more rugged with cement floors and dim lighting. there are people flowing in and out of each room, some are people i know and some are people that i feel are my friends. i settle in the main living area and sit in front of a recliner on the floor. a party must be going on or something, the older women are bustling and their makeup is perfect. i stand and move to the door when one of them steps in front of me. she says we know what your doing and we're here to let you know that its time to stop. i look into her face and i realize that its duanes mom, and as i look around i see my father and mother and a few other main adults in my life. i start to cry and get horrible introverted. i dont say a word. i just wander the room. the whole time their telling me how they feel and what i should do. as i walk by a blonde woman i dont recognize i hear her say now that the saddest face ive ever seen. im torn and i turn and run out the door, and into one of the dim rooms near the back. there are kids my age back here, their all talking and laughing and playing with broken toys. they throw their hair and watch movies. they take these weird yellow pills that are carved into little men. a girl walks up to me and and hands me one, slightly broken and dusty and i take it, without water. it scratches my throat and i can taste the bittersweet dust and candy coating. as i gag she laughs and touches my arm, telling me look now, your all better. i look down at my arms and see smooth skin and nothing else. i nearly die of happiness. until i get that fucking annoying feling of you know this is only a dream stephanie nothing more. this takes the joy from me and the colors are expanding into the corners of my vision now so i move on, past the strange retro chairs and kids and into the next room. the floor is so cold here and the cement is smooth as glass. the walls are painted black and there are no windows. one of the walls seems to be a prop, leaning a little and painted like wood. i se cages all around me on the ground some empty, some with occupants. my chinchilla is one of them, the cage is way to small for her and there is no door. i sit and talk to her. shes on her side and panting a little, i cant imagine why, its freezing in here. she starts to shake and i watch her die, in the tiny cage, perfectly in its center so that my fingers cant reach her to give her a last wordly comfort. im crying again. my tears are beading on her fur and shes gone. i stand up and the other cages fall apart, flat onto the floor, all the things inside are loose now, fucking, fighting, and making squirrely noises. i can only stand and look down at chu. as i walk to the next door i feel something jump on my arm and slash it open. the blood is dripping in the warm rivers and i close my eyes and embrace it. i leave a trail and i hear the animals fall on it. licking and scratching at the ground. the door shuts behind me and all i have is the next room. and theres nothing in it. absolutely nothing.

the friends are taking me to a clinic today.
i called in and may be written up for it, but right now that doesnt seem to be one of my main concerns.


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