20.4.07

thoughts.

ive blogged too much today.
i may have a problem.
or i may just have nothing better to do. whatever.
today was a thoroughly frustrating day. just the people in it. the random strangers and their eyes. errrr. the fact that its friday. my only day off and im at home, waiting for the next day of work to begin. i saw a movie, sure, but it was mediocre at best and all i got out of it was an occasional piece of popcorn and a few explosions. hmm. i wonder whats in store for tomorrow? another 8 hours and my head repeating the green and black screen again. this job is killing me. im burned out already. its never been this easy before, but you always say that when its only getting easier.
tom is drawing near me, i can hear the pastels sliding over the newsprint. it comes way to easy for him for me not to be jealous. his art is fascinating to watch in progress. he leans in and focuses. he almost falls out of his chair and idly waves my cigarette smoke from his face. he never does his backgrounds first, he never really blends with his fingers, and he has an unhealthy obsession with tentacles.
ive been going to the site again. i need to stop this. i need to stop caring if he is ok or not. i need to stop fucking giving a damn. but every mutual friend we had has him in their top friends and me in the shadows, nearby but never really readily accessible if you know what i mean. this does suck, but its something ive come to gather as a charm syndrome. hes charming. im not. easy enough to deal with but never nice to think about.
maybe i should sleep. hrm. old music has had me lately. old techno and old grunge/metallic rock. the glam rock and the pop one hit wonders. it just seems like back then when all these songs were blaring mindlessly in a club, where everyone wore a blazer in july and girls had zig zag hair, times were easier. or i could be delusional. i try not to ponder on that though. it makes too much sense sometimes.
i dreamt last night and cant really remember it. just alot of green and alot of buses and mostly the clumsy awakening of the morning and the voices in the kitchen. this bothers the hell out of me. i wish i could have written it down but alas. not today.
i havent been in his room in a few days. i dont know if i miss it yet or if it makes any difference but to me its just more bullshit to think on and another topic with me left asking too many questions. hes fine without me. and im better off with the other one. i just want to be happy and make someone else happy and right now this one is doing all the right things, while the other one always left me in tears or wondering what was wrong with me. once again. too many things to think about and too many ways for that thought to go. i cant give myself too many options to run with or bad things could happen.
ive been pondering the idea of seeing a counselor or a shrink again. the cutting has gotten back to the near daily area of the addiction and its getting to be a bother to those around me. sadly i have no perceptions of my habit being wrong and this could prove harmful in the end. i think i may have to point out the ignorance of that last statement to myself. what the hell am i thinking hurting myself? and why do i have no qualms about it? why do i defend it so viciously and tell everyone it keeps me from dying? its still crazy. and its never going to be a good thing/positive influence. but damned if im going to down a thousand tiny pink pills over the span of my remaining life and damned if im big enough to take advice about it. im stubborn, abd this may be a bit hard to do. this has been discussed alot. we;ve been over this countless times. why hasnt there been any progress? dont i want to get better? do i feel that this is a situation where i need to? probably not. thats the wall to climb. right there.
enough of this. i need music and rest.

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