*sheepish*

yea sure im a little sickly and i woke up too late.
sure i still have to go to work till 1 am.
sure im worried about keeping said job.

but hell. i had the most interesting experiences last night.

and maybe it was watching i heart huckabees or reading all that philosophy stuff on wikipedia.

But it was amazing. The thoughts I had.

i woke up with bruises today. they called me out of my dreams in perfect two part harmony with my puppy. [who didn't want to prove anything to me about myself, rather she wanted food] at first I didn't remember how I got them, or why my head was so tight….Then the details of the night came out of the dark, wandering groggily as if still drunk.

I remember:

-the strangers leaving and us finally feeling safe enough to be us.

-todd. Just todd. When hes drunk hes enough to earn his own line. Haha. Jesus Christ.

-the backyard and duane winding up. Remember seeing the white before the pain swept through. Me falling back just a little and letting it come, breathing in and remembering how much it helps. Me trying to get him good. him laughing at me. I think I just might hit like a pussy. Great.

-the lovesick couple with masochism and hesitance shadowing and kisses stolen in the room with the dimmest atmosphere. His arms around her, her heart away from him, if only for the moment, and him with that fact in his eyes.

-jon and the potato salad. Gross.

-the all the fucking CIGARETTES. im feeling it right now.

-dawnelles dream with her killing her fiancées lover. I wouldn't put it past her.

-Me and Brenda dancing to Interpol. All alone with everyone around us.

-abe in his usual drunk mood. Angry and away.

-tom. Actually drunk [its been weeks and weeks] and charming as usual.

-the ride to the chevron. I wasn't ever going to say it you know. And I shouldn't have then. I can be happy as the person/part assigned to me person I am. but I got it out. and there was pain sure. But not anywhere near enough for me to be anything but ok.

Last night the emotions I was witnessing and feeling were overwhelming. They crushed each other and fell on themselves. Slurred their speech and laughed too hard. They were up and near the ceiling, watching and smirking. They slapped our faces when we began to drift off in a direction not pertaining to pain or love. They kept us there. They kept us open eyed. Well me at least. The whole night was just me lost and useless amidst the flow of it all. I saw it all there, in the smoky rooms, it was love, jealousy, hatred, lust, ignorance, and carelessness. And there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it except feel human and expel said humanity on the nearest person, like everyone else. I had no choice in the matter, the transition was seamless. And we just drank away. Sang away.

Hmm….

Here I sigh and wonder what the meaning of it all was. What it was all for, what I was supposed to get from it.

Heres to being lost.

At least it wasn't a bad night. I may have gone to bed feeling like and ass, but I know the people in my life. And they aren't ones to hold grudges. Drunk talk was always more embarrassing that substantial anyway. This I know. This I believe.

I have to go get ready for work.

Hrm.