creepy

im in jons house waiting for him to get out of the shower hoping his dad doesnt come home right at this moment and wondering how much half price will give us for our pathetic attempts at books. [me and his dad would have nothing to talk about you see, spare henry rollins apparently] my stomach is killing me. not a scientifically explained pain but more of a im down to 4 cigarettes and i promised i would quit pain. i did it right this time. used the impending disappointment of my friends instead of the pride i would have in myself. i dont care much for pride anyway. [shit shit shit, why did i tell everyone i know i was doing it this time, really fucked myself here. and in the peak of cold smoking weather. fuck] ah well. and guilt trips ALWAYS work better and im sure this time, ill be doing my lungs a favor. they might appreciate it and let me live a little longer eh? i better stop thinking about this. the house im in is lived in, warm and the things hanging on the walls make me wonder if all the talk of broken homes isnt really just a myth we tell our kids to scare them. i wonder. when i walk back outside and the cold wraps around my fingers will i miss the mountains again. too much thought for this little blog. and i hear jonathan coming.

a letter

dear joey.

hey baby.
its me your big sister, writing you from here. from a place you may remember. what am i saying. you havent even been gone long.
the whole family is here sweetie. see us? your birthday is tomorrow after all. we even got you a cake. one of the ones i always said were too sweet, but you always used to love. i even made dip.
how are you?
are you ok?
i cant stop thinking about things we should be doing right now little brother.
you would have been 21 tomorrow.
i should be taking you to bars.
i should be showing you the ropes.
you should be laughing with me and my friends and being irresponsible with us.
i should be buying you cds and taking you to spurs games.

i shouldnt be holding rosary beads and trying not to cry in front of mom and dad.

god i miss you.

if you can hear me please know i love you joseph.

its really hard down here when my better half isnt available to make me smile and take me out of my dark places. you were always the only one who could. like me to you and your sickness.
its hard.

anyway.

just hug our mom and try to find the dog. theyll take care of you.

i love you baby.

-your big sister.