take me out of the coma doctor

last night i had a very strange dream.
im pretty sure i had a glimpse of hell.

i was in a group. we were huddled close together and there was a woman leading us. we were in a vast empty city. everything was gray. everything was silent. she told us we were about to get a heads up of sorts. our leader, dressed to match the bricks behind her.
she said.
this is where you might come after. this is one of two places where your always welcome. it just depends on how you choose.
she leads us into a building. its cold and damp and nothing moves. shower curtains hang from the walls. she moves them aside as she walks by them.

what i see in the holes cut into the walls is too horrible to write about.

some points worth remembering:
-the smell. the smell of people laying with medicine moving in them. the way it came to me in waves.
-the one person i never in my life could ever believe would go to hell.
-the look on the girl next to me when she found her mother.
-pulling the iv out of his arm, just hoping he would wake up. the black stuff that seeped out.


after the main part of the dream i went to a bar in purgatory. swear.

i woke up in a hurried daze. pulling at my arm, hoping i wasnt in one of those holes.

it was 8:00 pm.

i was almost asleep for 20 hours.


jeezus.

the past few days have been the most worrisome yet. an unhealthy dose of 151 and weird people from my apt complex hasnt helped. im pretty sure tom is concerned. but there isnt much anyone can do when the feeling gets to me. the other morning i was wasted beyond all repair and found my way into the woods near my apt complex with zach and some of his friends. seriously, people live in the trees out there. we found a litle city. it scared me and made me sad. i stole a bicycle wheel and a fire extinguisher. how perfect. i remember bits from the morning, most of it is me chasing them to keep up and getting cuts on my feet and fingers. ill never forget how ghetto swiss family robinson it all felt. the trash bags clinging to wood pieces and the wire ladder leading to someones idea of home. the swing, the cat grave, the path and the broom. strange. i then proceeded to go home and throw up while muttering "people in the trees" to tom as he tended to me. what a morning.

yep.

only certain folks have experiences like that. in a sick way im blessed.

hrm.

i just realized ive only been awake for 10 hours.

lovely.

ugh

bad things a foot.

cats getting bit by snakes. circumcision. migraines.

wonderful.

good thing it rained or my night would be a total loss.

sometimes

i dont know exactly what im feeling. one minute im at home. getting drunk. again. one moment im in a car with an old friend. one moment im done with working. one moment its 5 in the morning. again.

sometimes you just want to walk down a misty road. you want to feel the swell of air a car leaves right as it flies by you. sometimes its the same. only with a person. that moment your hair moves with the wind. the smell. god that smell. someone else. someone going home or to a bar or to a another person.

ay. thoughts.

there are times when you just want to be touched. on a dance floor, on a sidewalk, on a bed. those times. those passionate nothing times. its easy to regret those times. but hard to forget. people fuck, they kiss, they fight they die. people are alot of things. but they are never insignificant. no matter how hard you tell yourself they are.

we drive. its dark. its cold. maybe windy. first stoplight. close your eyes lean back and open them. gray of a car ceiling, black of a starry sky. red light green light. decisions are made in moments like these. a thousand thoughts and no time. second stoplight.you still feel the air but all the windows are closed. you decide... i better not. i better not. i cant. im weak. but the sky still says yes. over and over.

what to do.


who to call.

they cant possibly understand.

people fuck. people kiss. people lie. and they never ever have the decency to even look you in the eyes while they do any of it. its a game. too much fun. a thrill. a fleeting moment of existence.

who knows where it all ends up. the trash pile of filth that is memories.

fun fun fun. fun.


till then im still reeling.

ive just discovered something.


im one of them.