i dont know exactly what im feeling. one minute im at home. getting drunk. again. one moment im in a car with an old friend. one moment im done with working. one moment its 5 in the morning. again.
sometimes you just want to walk down a misty road. you want to feel the swell of air a car leaves right as it flies by you. sometimes its the same. only with a person. that moment your hair moves with the wind. the smell. god that smell. someone else. someone going home or to a bar or to a another person.
there are times when you just want to be touched. on a dance floor, on a sidewalk, on a bed. those times. those passionate nothing times. its easy to regret those times. but hard to forget. people fuck, they kiss, they fight they die. people are alot of things. but they are never insignificant. no matter how hard you tell yourself they are.
we drive. its dark. its cold. maybe windy. first stoplight. close your eyes lean back and open them. gray of a car ceiling, black of a starry sky. red light green light. decisions are made in moments like these. a thousand thoughts and no time. second stoplight.you still feel the air but all the windows are closed. you decide... i better not. i better not. i cant. im weak. but the sky still says yes. over and over.
what to do.
who to call.
they cant possibly understand.
people fuck. people kiss. people lie. and they never ever have the decency to even look you in the eyes while they do any of it. its a game. too much fun. a thrill. a fleeting moment of existence.
who knows where it all ends up. the trash pile of filth that is memories.
fun fun fun. fun.
till then im still reeling.
ive just discovered something.
im one of them.