20.6.08

stuck


the Sounds are on loud and my fingers need something to do. since im currently out of paint and my brushes have been destroyed by dumbass kittens ill settle here and get comfortable. today has a nice feeling to it. today i hung clothes out on a line, i was held hostage in the shower by a huge fucking roach, i created something for someone online, i heard the voice of an old friend, and i read read read my ass off. my eyes hurt actually.

and now im just sitting here.
wondering what else there is to do but wait for tomorrow and hope it rains money.

that would be awesome.

i wish i could talk to someone right now. get in the car and go to a place with coffee and have them waiting for me at the booth, eager and ready to respond with yes' and heres what i thinks and such. i would look at them from across the table and point out the fact that they twitch a little when they smile or they stutter on a certain word. and there would be a moment of lull which we would fill with stirring hands or the flicker of lighters.
and at the end of the conversation we would leave and the night would be different, we would still see the ghost images of each other in the centers of our vision like bright lights gone.
and im pretty sure our thought processes would have shifted. even slightly.

i wish for strange things.

ill probably just end up going home and playing the xbox, eating twin cherries and sketching dumb little things on scraps of paper i find while fending off kittens needy for cuddles.

i guess thats not too bad actually....

but lately ive been aching for the human connection. that im listening to you and yes i can understand and maybe ill touch your arm while i talk and maintain eye contact kind of connection. its been so long since ive sat with someone. next to someone and known nothing about them. i miss asking questions and not knowing the answers. i miss offending people. i miss them creeping me out and me letting them know it.

but you cant just walk up to anybody and say i like your shoes wanna grab something to eat and by the way im stephanie anymore.

too bad too.

[note: dont misconstrue these statements as me the little girl with stars in my eyes yearning for love. its nothing like that. im talking conversation, intellect and strong opinions.]

as i get older im sure ill have more chances but being a 22 year old stuck in the bar/clubs/star bucks stage of life im doubtful.

besides i hate screaming over music and love getting wasted at bars and im too busy dancing at clubs to care what you have to say and im only ever at starbucks on wed at 4 in the morning.

womp.

who knows maybe tomorrow is the day.

heres to hoping.
heres to you walking up to me and asking the time.
heres to birds scattering in the city.
and me short of breath and an overall felling of impressed.

3 comments:

Leviathan said...

This is pure poetry.

I know what that feeling is exactly.

I've got a bit of it now. I feel bored and trapped where I am, and just long for something different even though what I have is good.

.när'sĭ-sĭz'əm. said...

oh and thanks leviathan.
people will never be satisfied with what we have. so its a nice little circle we're running.

but its nice to feel out the unknown and take it as yours.

i need that more than anything right now.

maybe it will all work out who knows. survey says keep dreaming. heh.

pssst said...

I used to be surly and sarcastic when I was young. But now I am outgoing and friendly, almost perky. It sucks to lose one's judgemental idealism with age. On the other hand, I always have someone to go to coffee with.

By the way, I really love your writing.