12.9.08

simplified [a manic kind of blog]

right.

theres nothing easy here.


today was a hot mess.
almost hilarious.
i don't think i've ever been so angry before today. ready to slash throats and using the words of a good friend chew broken glass.
i let myself be talked out of things today.
today was me the walking talking stephanie balloon.
wipe your feet here please.
coward.
theres something stale and ugly about this city right now. driving on the highway and all i smell is gas and all i feel is my heart giving. struggling. burning.
theres something.
thats for sure.
me, here in my new found state of transition and im pussying out.
i call my friends and its the tone of yea hold on guys its my friend who cant get her shit together.
awesome.
today i woke up and the day was already ruined.
the all singing all dancing crap of san antonio was already waiting in the bathroom mirror ready and willing. underhanded and laughing, pointing and gesturing. and im putting on my makeup and trying not to shake.
today i missed an opportunity.
but who needs an art guild when i have this person waiting to guilt trip me and take me home to cry. but now theres no time, my day is speeding up, and im in a state of unaware. something shifts and my stomach twists.
here's me, waiting in the emergency room now listening to children scream and watching him sulk and flashbacks are coming in waves and that woman just threw up all over and suddenly i'm done. finished. topped off.
[when did we even get to the hospital?]
now i'm walking out and waiting in the dark for the shelter of soggy hurricane warning air mingling with the smoke and policemen are running by and have i seen a person in a gown with bandages up their arms? you should really go back inside ma'am. but now i'm in a car and now in waiting in a restaurant and the waitress is falling all over herself and i'm not eating anyway.
forget it sweetie, see this face? done.
empowerment is taken in doses far and few. but now heres me, your disabled friend, your weight on your ankles, your hopeless cause, asking the sleepy eyed barista could you please change this drink it tastes like shit.
and she blinks once, twice, three times and tells me ok. fucking starbucks.
with unfamiliar reserve i'm walking by tables. laughter and iphones. laptops and the smell of green tea shampoo.
the new company i'm with now, he smiles as he texts and in my head i'm screaming talk talk talk talk to me goddamnit.
then my coffee scorches.
then the lighter and cigarettes click and glow and im ok.
i think, maybe i'm just a crybaby, maybe i demand too much from those around me.
[you're exhausting them silly girl, it's too much]
maybe.
right now i don't care though.
this is me, done.


for the first time tonight i'm smiling. and typing and looking forward.

maybe the idea to do something finally has won, and i'm not approaching it as a silly notion.

i like the maybes, i like the bottom, and something in the wind tonight helped me believe all is not lost. like the salvaging was the learning part.

hmm. a nice thought. in an out.


in random news-
-i almost ran face first into the boy i thought for sure i'd never see again at work. i has almost forgotten we were even on the same planet. for some reason he said hey and i said ok then i ran to cafe to hyperventilate.
-my best friend might be preggers soon.
-my parents are wonderful.
-i miss joey.


time to sleep.

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