3.10.08

queen of apology

yea. not so much anymore.

theres nothing like teasing and drawing anger. like blood it sticks. i think i may have a problem. the masochism is trying to find another place to live since im denying it my skin. i think it may be coming to a head. im blowing things off, walking away and im stuck with this feeling. addicting and powerful.

lets move away from all this now. theres no time.

the world is moving and im stuck with the assholes. friends. is this what they are? [right]

i cant study now. how could you expect me to. im riding the manic part of the chemical imbalance that is my brain waves. im foaming at the mouth. antsy antsy antsy. god help me im ready for a fight, a beat, a clinical movement, a new pace. lts time, pick it up. runnnnn.

oh.

fuck.

what the hell is next. im moving forward but the earth counterbalances and im off kilter.

these thoughts arent coming together as seamlessly as i had hoped. and im stuck watching the debates and wondering what the rest of the nation is thinking. wondering how me and this man in the same room are still friends when every time i nod my head he growls and curses. his hands clench and i hate him a little more. its getting to where i cant stand these people anymore. maybe i just need to move to a cave and stay away. turn off the tv and turn up the music. am i the only girl left with a walkman and 300 wires? batteries.... what are those?
geezus fuck im losing breath.

slow down. the human connection is nothing. this cigarette. nothing. this fantastic anxiety i cant control. nothing. god help me. i may be regretting tonight.

lets see how bad i can make it.

chaos breeds happiness.

at least to me.

and right now, i need to be happy.

1 comment:

s.k.namanny said...

Happiness, says the [accurate] cliche, flees from you when you chase it, like the butterfly across the field. But when you achieve stillness, it lands on your shoulder.