hatred in all shades [frustration too]

mix and match.

the other day i was downtown and i saw the most beautiful couple ive seen in a while. he held his hand and told him he loved him and they were clean and fresh in a gray city.

hen the man at the bus stop said, "hey faggots go suck dicks in hell"

and i wanted to cry, but couldnt, wanted to smile at them, but they were already gone around the corner.

hm.

otherwise:

theres nothing more exhausting than one sided conversations. the kind where you realize walking away should have taken place nearly two minutes ago or years ago and now its too late, you may as well keep talking. so you do. and it doesnt change the dead behind the eyes look they have they dont smile or cringe when you lay down the bad news three quarters in and they dont reach out and touch you like you want when you start to cry. they just stand there and look at your mouth move. im tired.

so tired.

also:

dear sweet god the holidays are here. people, well theyre swarming. this time of year they move in careful packs and bundle up for the measly degrees of winter texas allows. they laugh and reach for plastic and purses and children and they move and move and move. they make me dizzy with wonder at all the energy they can find around this time. and me im standing behind a counter between them and something they want. please and thank you nothing. i watch them and fight panic attacks. right now my heart is skipping.

put it outcha head, yo.

finally:

help me im out of good music and theres no one to see on friday nights.

what to do, this poor girl is getting tired of chasing cars.

everyone else is getting fucked and im dreaming of rome and people i dont know and dried flowers.


i must be tired.


ugh.